Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

We're both still married and it's really complicated / stressing me out…

367 replies

nappyrat · 07/07/2015 15:26

I am separated (living apart for some time, but not yet divorced) from my husband and have a DS. I recently met a guy who I really like. He invited me out for a drink, and I was under the impression he was separated, but it became clear during the drink that he wasn't, and I told him that I wasn't interested unless that situation changed.

We kept talking, and went out a few more times, and to be honest, it genuinely seems that he has been waiting for years to separate from his wife. He has now finally done it. Partly I am sure, because he knew we had no future unless he did, but not totally because of this, I think he suddenly saw what life could be by meeting me.

He has 3 children who live with his wife in Los Angeles. He goes back there once a month or so (his job is UK based) to see them for around a week.

This guy has been incredibly honest with me so far, and he has now told his wife he wants to separate. But - and there is a big but here for me - he says he is planning to remain living in the martial home (in a separate, downstairs room, it's a v large house apparently) so that he can maximise his time with his children when he is back visiting them.

So, what is the issue!?!?
He has split up with her, and has no intention of backtracking - I believe this
It is completely understandable that he wants to spend as much time with his kids whilst he is there (and I would think less of a man who didn't want to do this)
But I have a really uncomfortable feeling about this. And I don't know why or how to articulate it or if it is even rational.

I would really appreciate some advice. Pls be kind, I am trying to do the right thing. It's just that the 'right thing' seems extremely complicated. The right thing in my mind is to be completely separated (i.e. moved out) before getting involved, but I can see his argument re. his kids, who he sees little enough of anyway.

OP posts:
Annarose2014 · 08/07/2015 15:48

Yes but MF may be fairly gullible and believe everything this guy says. Just like you did!

Plainly this guy has a massively trustworthy looking face. I imagine he is the type who is always believed. By everyone.

But please try to unravel the thread of information that has come directly from the guys mouth. The MF may have met the wife but so what? The friendship is clearly based in the UK. How the hell does the MF know what happens in the LA house? Just from what your guy has told him? Therefore: discard.

Same with the FB thing. If the only way you know this is from your guys mouth then discard. Unless MF is friends with her on FB and himself sees her daily activity, then discard.

Discard absolutely every thing that has no verifiable evidence other than his word, whether to you or to MF.

brusselsproutwarning · 08/07/2015 16:28

OK so this mutual friend knows this guy for a decade. How long have you known this friend?

Original poster
nappyrat · 08/07/2015 16:42

Known him for 2 yrs, but his fiancé has been a good friend for 15yrs

OP posts:
Original poster
nappyrat · 08/07/2015 16:51

I really think this whole thing is more about sadness than anything else - such as manipulation, intentional deceit etc.

Not saying it makes it any better.

If there's one thing I've learnt more on the past few hours than ever before in my life it's the fact that life Is not black & white but every shade of grey. There are pieces of cliche here - unhappy marriage, affair etc, but it's not all a big cliche. And I think he has really fallen into trouble along his life / made done crap decisions and just got himself (& wife) into an awful mess.

I actually feel really sorry for them both, but partic her.

OP posts:
Sloughcooker · 08/07/2015 17:06

nappyrat the man I saw for years on and off is/was a really great, trustworthy, straight up guy too. In every other respect than he couldn't make up his mind whether his marriage was a living hell of mutual resentment or actually good enough to conceive a couple of kids in. In the end, I told him that if he ever did follow through with his plan to leave, he should ring me, and then deleted his number from my phone. When I believed he was genuinely unhappy, I felt bad for him; when I realised he wasn't unhappy enough to do a single thing to change his situation, I felt terrible about his wife. I didn't want to be That Woman, and you sound like you don't either.

You're right, there are lots of shades of grey in relationships. Nice people are just as capable of making questionable choices as total arseholes. But there are plenty of properly single men out there who won't start off your relationship with behaviour that'd leave a bad taste lingering in your mouth further down the line. Look at it this way - you've just saved yourself years of being dangled...

Snoozybird · 08/07/2015 18:14

nappyrat you spoke earlier about options - when my DH split with his ex they did something for the first year called "nesting" where they rented a flat and basically it was the adults who moved between two homes whilst the DC stayed put i.e DH would live in the flat during the week then go back to the family home for his contact weekends whilst his ex stayed with her new DP.

I'm sure if your BF's wife had genuinely agreed to a split then she'd prefer to have a nice apartment to stay in during his contact weeks rather than have him invading her spare room once a month (and what would happen during his access week - how would she stay out of the way so that he can be properly hands on with the DC without them looking to her/asking for mum etc). Tbh I can't understand why she's agreed to this set up unless she's hoping for a reconciliation, in which case it's even more important that he sets some boundaries and keeps his distance by getting his own place. The fact that he hasn't made any effort to explore options other than him continuing to live in the former marital home is selfish at best the wife still thinks she's happliy married

Tbh even if we take what your BF said at face value, what he proposes is unworkable in the long term so he will need to get something sorted regardless. In DH's case nesting worked as a transition period for a few months, but it wasn't long before both he and his ex needed entirely separate spaces to reflect their separate lives.

I'm sorry you're hurting but you're well off out of this huge mess.

no73 · 08/07/2015 18:26

you are knowingly having an affair with a married man......

AlisonBlunderland · 08/07/2015 18:28

One reason that he might prefer to stay in the marital home when in the US was that not only could he see his children, but also so he didn't have to be their sole carer on "contact weekends". Handy to have another live-in parent to share the load...

Everythinghaschanged · 08/07/2015 18:38

I have been chatting to a guy online for several weeks. We set a date to meet tomorrow during the day in a hotel bar (his suggestion, 5* hotel.) I am thinking quick coffee.

He messaged me last night to say he works in my city but lives 100 miles away ..... with his wife and family. He said they had separated and he left but he is now back in the family home 'for complicated reasons.'

I asked, 'so you are back with your wife?' He said, 'we are like brother and sister.' (What does that mean?)

He tried to persuade me to meet up anyway, it could be the perfect set-up, he can escape from the office during the day as he is the boss. All put very nicely, hope you understand etc.

I read this thread last night and thought that could have been me if I trust his word. I only have this guy's version of events. I am not clear if he is separated or not. His wife probably doesn't think so.

I am thinking of her - her husband does a long commute in a professional job. He is meeting women from Internet dating sites during the daytime in hotel bars. Very nice, professional guy, very plausible. They're all at it. I'm quite shocked,

You're well out of it op,

wannaBe · 08/07/2015 18:51

"you are knowingly having an affair with a married man......" Well, while he might still be "happily" married, he might be genuine however doubtful that possibility.

I lived in the marital home for eight months after me and xh separated. I didn't seek new relationships at that time and to the best of my knowledge neither did xh. but if either of us had, we could legitimately have said that we were separated, and anyone who became involved wouldn't have been "knowingly having an affair."

Life is more than black and white sometimes, and often when we form relationships we want to see the best in people. Op took this man at face value, she isn't the first to take someone at their word (and fwiw just as many women cheat as men) and she won't be the last.

And while I personally doubt his story, even if it were true, the situation all round is far to messy for anyone to want to get involved.

The op isn't "knowingly having an affair with a married man," she is (or was) in a situation which means she would have been second best and which could never have worked out in the long-term. The advice should be based on the op's wellbeing and the fact she deserves better, rather than judgement for something she wouldn't be responsible for.

If he has lied to his wife and to the op the responsibility for that is his. It's not the op's responsibility to decide whether he is telling the truth or not, she may decide he isn't and that's fine, but equally she may believe that he was, and that's ok also. He's the one with the marriage vows, if he says he's not with his wife then the responsibility for that is his and his alone to bear.

LovelyFriend · 08/07/2015 18:53

Chances are the good friend has been spun the same version you have though. Unless he is also friend with and in direct contact with the wife?

brusselsproutwarning · 08/07/2015 19:22

Sounds like he's lied to mutual friend too,unless mutual friend was in on it. Either way, you feel relief and that's a huge sign in my opinion that he wasn't right for you or anyone else

BitOutOfPractice · 08/07/2015 19:46

No73. RTFT

findingherfeet · 08/07/2015 20:05

Why is this a problem for you if you trust him and believe what he's telling you? A gentle separation/best for the kids/practical blah blah blah...

Cos it's bullshit.

AnyFucker · 08/07/2015 20:08

RTFT

gah

brusselsproutwarning · 08/07/2015 20:16

What's rtft....

AnyFucker · 08/07/2015 20:23

read the fucking thread Smile

in other words, at least look for updates from the op before you answer a question posed pages and pages ago

brusselsproutwarning · 08/07/2015 20:29

Ah I see . good to know. That will come in handy ,Smile

PeppermintPasty · 08/07/2015 20:43

I think you've travelled quite a long way these last few hours. I hope things get easier for you. You are right to focus on his wife I think. And to be glad that you are out/getting out of this mess. You deserve more.

Dowser · 08/07/2015 21:45

Really pleased with the way you've taken all the advice on board after first listening to your gut instincts.

How ate you doing?

DarkNavyBlue · 08/07/2015 22:06

OK, I admit I haven't 'read the fucking thread' beyond the first few pages Grin

But am I only one having some sympathy for this guy? Yes, being in the same home as his ex isn't a long term solution. But surely it would be a logistical nightmare to maintain two homes, one of them 'child ready' across two continents? Unless he's very rich?

I can see why this would be an attractive solution.

AnyFucker · 08/07/2015 22:20

it honestly does pay to read the thread

Original poster
nappyrat · 09/07/2015 00:17

I'm doing ok thanks guys. Had a lovely evening & nice few days ahead so lots to take my mind off things.

Out of interest, what would the consensus be amongst you lot if he did actually move out & did actually (proof!) press ahead with 'doing the right thing'?

OP posts:
Whipnaenae · 09/07/2015 00:33

When is he back in the UK? I suspect that is when he will actually have moved out and be ready to start a new life with you. or maybe that is all part of the script

Zucker · 09/07/2015 00:49

I just knew the mutual friend was going to be a man. He's a stand up guy to mutual friend because he doesn't need to pull any of the relationship/get women into bed shit with him.

The only proof I would take from this guy would be to stand in his kitchen in the ex marital home and have the wife tell me to my face they were done and for them to produce actual divorce papers.

He's just looking for a handy stand in while he's away from the wife. You've dodged a wrong one there OP.