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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

We're both still married and it's really complicated / stressing me out…

367 replies

nappyrat · 07/07/2015 15:26

I am separated (living apart for some time, but not yet divorced) from my husband and have a DS. I recently met a guy who I really like. He invited me out for a drink, and I was under the impression he was separated, but it became clear during the drink that he wasn't, and I told him that I wasn't interested unless that situation changed.

We kept talking, and went out a few more times, and to be honest, it genuinely seems that he has been waiting for years to separate from his wife. He has now finally done it. Partly I am sure, because he knew we had no future unless he did, but not totally because of this, I think he suddenly saw what life could be by meeting me.

He has 3 children who live with his wife in Los Angeles. He goes back there once a month or so (his job is UK based) to see them for around a week.

This guy has been incredibly honest with me so far, and he has now told his wife he wants to separate. But - and there is a big but here for me - he says he is planning to remain living in the martial home (in a separate, downstairs room, it's a v large house apparently) so that he can maximise his time with his children when he is back visiting them.

So, what is the issue!?!?
He has split up with her, and has no intention of backtracking - I believe this
It is completely understandable that he wants to spend as much time with his kids whilst he is there (and I would think less of a man who didn't want to do this)
But I have a really uncomfortable feeling about this. And I don't know why or how to articulate it or if it is even rational.

I would really appreciate some advice. Pls be kind, I am trying to do the right thing. It's just that the 'right thing' seems extremely complicated. The right thing in my mind is to be completely separated (i.e. moved out) before getting involved, but I can see his argument re. his kids, who he sees little enough of anyway.

OP posts:

aderynlas · 08/07/2015 12:42

I can guess that his journey will soon lead to lots more women Op. You are well out of this. Best of luck to you. Dont fall for his next call which will be about him changing living arrangements etc .

Dowser · 08/07/2015 12:45

;-)BOOP!

Sloughcooker · 08/07/2015 12:48

nappyrat I know it's hard when the guy involved seems like the decent type who is wracked with the 'need to do right by everyone' including the kids BUT... They're the worst, because they actually manage to convince themselves first, and only then move on to you.

I saw someone very like your bf for (shame on me) much longer than you, on and off. His marriage was apparently over, he was bitterly unhappy, he just needed the 'right time' to leave. And yet, strangely enough, his wife managed to have a couple of babies during this terrible period when they had nothing to say to each other, slept in different rooms, all that. I was a total idiot, but because he looked so genuinely tormented and mutual friends backed up his tales of woe, I ignored my own inner 'wtf?' voice.

Five years on, he's still 'trapped' in his 'dead marriage' and I'm with a man who loves me, puts me first and makes me utterly ashamed of the time I wasted, and the way I behaved. If he wanted to be with you, he'd make a public gesture that made it clear, like filing for divorce. This will seem like a very lucky escape to you in about six months' time. Honestly. Why not focus on getting your own divorce finalised, and treat this as the start of a new phase in your life?

juneau · 08/07/2015 12:56

Please base your responses on the above being fact. It is not helpful to me to have people constantly questioning what is true / not. I know what is true.

Okay, fine. I don't happen to believe that he's giving you the full story, but you're determined that he is.

The fact remains though that his kids are 10,000 miles away in LA and he does, at least sound committed to them. You are here with your DS, who is not his DC. When push comes to shove which do you think he'll choose? Do you really want to get yourself and your DS involved in this messy, long-distance situation?

cozietoesie · 08/07/2015 12:59

Er.....shame on him rather, Slough.

juneau · 08/07/2015 13:02

I actually feel extraordinarily sad for his wife. I think he has treated her really badly

Yup - and who do you think is next in line to be treated badly by him? Oh, that would be you!

Please OP wake up and smell the coffee. You're so desperate for this to work that you're ignoring all the glaring red flags. Everyone posting responses is in agreement - and we're a bunch of strangers with nothing whatsoever to gain. Just think about that for a minute.

iwashappy · 08/07/2015 13:13

I think you've had a very lucky escape. Even if everything he has told you is true he is a man who was prepared to cheat on his wife and lie to her when he was seeing you. You say his wife wants them to work it out and she has that hope because he chose not to tell her about you and the real reason he wanted to separate. Can you imagine how you would feel in his wife's shoes if she'd been desperately trying to convince him to stay with her and later on she found out he left because of you. That would have reflected very badly on you too.

Please don't view him as the love of your life and the one that got away, he is the one you have escaped from.

You say the hardest thing is that your mutual friend thinks he's great. Please don't base anything on your friend's opinion. My family and friends all thought my STBXH was wonderful and a really decent man. He turned out to be a serial cheat who cheated on me throughout our 25 year marriage, he managed to deceive me, my family and friends for all that time that he was a decent man. Liars and cheats get away with a lot because they are capable of such deception. You already know he has lied to his wife and cheated on her, he is very capable of doing the same to you.

I am sorry you have had such a bad time recently and that you were vulnerable to this man. I hope things improve for you and that you stay strong if he attempts to contact you again. You can do so much better.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 08/07/2015 13:28

sadly (I wish he did right now!) he doesn't fall into the classic stereotype

and yet, so many just on this thread have heard it all before and could predict what was going to happen next.

I feel for his wife too and I'm glad he's taken things out of your hands because you sound so desperate to believe him and make things work out that you'd be constantly compromising yourself and always have the niggling thoughts in the back of your mind.

That's no way to live.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/07/2015 13:54

nappy what "previous stuff" has he done?

ChilliAndMint · 08/07/2015 14:04

OP no one is that naïve surely?
Wake up from this dream..it's all smoke and mirrors..can't you see that?

ChilliAndMint · 08/07/2015 14:08

Sorry, missed most of the thread..lucky escape.
There are probably more tricks up that man's sleeves .

Duckdeamon · 08/07/2015 14:16

Why are you defending him and saying MNetters are man bashing? No man bashing here, just transatlantic twunt spotting!

If losers were all obviously bad with no apparent good qualities fewer people would get sucked in.

Hope you are cutting all contact.

viridus · 08/07/2015 14:21

This man may have ended this relationship, because he has another woman lined up here, who "is not asking as much questions" as the op.
Or, he is pretending he is the "good guy" and will pop back with more excuses. It's difficult to know what is going on in his head.
It's a pity that these men cannot be put on an "adulterers register", because their behaviour is unstoppable, and they never pay for their crimes.

IrianofWay · 08/07/2015 14:28

He has shown you his true colours as soon as you started to question him. That was not in his plans. Good riddance op!

LovelyFriend · 08/07/2015 14:29

I don't believe this guys is telling you the truth Op and I don't think you believe him either as much as you WANT to believe him.

You deserve better - but you won't be available to find better while you are tangled up in the web this man has woven.

ChilliAndMint · 08/07/2015 14:41

Take A Break is full of stories about men like him.
Just out of curiosity OP, how did you meet him?

QuiteLikely5 · 08/07/2015 14:41

There are good things about most guys.

He suspected you were onto him more like and ran a mile incase you told his wife.

Please wake up.

Original poster

nappyrat · 08/07/2015 14:46

Thanks guys. Spoke to my best friend this morning and she agrees with a lot of this.

I think I'm even moving towards (already...?!) thinking I had a lucky escape.

The mutual friend thing is tricky because I really trust them / value their opinion and they think he is so great, trustworthy, straight up, honest. In fact, they reassured me I'd be ok visiting him in his house less than 4 weeks after meeting him - something I didn't initially feel v comfortable doing - said he was trustworthy etc & id be fine. Just wondering now how stupid I was (?) and how badly wrong that could have gone.

I am expecting him to come back with something...but then again maybe not. I actually hope the latter.

OP posts:

Dowser · 08/07/2015 14:46

I suspect ....mutual friend but may be wrong.

murphys · 08/07/2015 14:56

Glad to read your latest post Nappy. I wouldn't just go on the word of mutual friend though, there is a chance he asked them to keep quiet about his home life.

Good luck with everything OP.

brusselsproutwarning · 08/07/2015 14:57

Op, can I ask you how do you know this mutual friend? Was this friend ,friends with you or him first?

MaryGorddon · 08/07/2015 15:01

I am so relieved for you OP.

That doesn't mean you don't need to do some work on yourself over the coming months. Please visit Baggage Reclaim.

In the meantime, the best thing you can do for yourself is to have absolutely no contact with him.

I have learnt the hard way that friends' opinions cannot cover the insights you will get as someone's romantic partner.

Norest · 08/07/2015 15:09

Just because your mutual friend believes him to be a straight up guy, doesn't make it true. The mutual friend will have been fed exactly the same stuff you have been right? Unless this mutual friend knows his wife too and actual details of his life in America (not just stuff they have been told) then the friend is just as much in the dark as you are.

ChilliAndMint · 08/07/2015 15:13

Mutual friend? I take it they were of the male species, surely they would have known he was married.
Could be a scam..a hustler?

Original poster

nappyrat · 08/07/2015 15:17

No, they've known each other for a decade. Work together but also good friends. Met his wife etc.

OP posts:

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