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Original poster

We're both still married and it's really complicated / stressing me out…

367 replies

nappyrat · 07/07/2015 15:26

I am separated (living apart for some time, but not yet divorced) from my husband and have a DS. I recently met a guy who I really like. He invited me out for a drink, and I was under the impression he was separated, but it became clear during the drink that he wasn't, and I told him that I wasn't interested unless that situation changed.

We kept talking, and went out a few more times, and to be honest, it genuinely seems that he has been waiting for years to separate from his wife. He has now finally done it. Partly I am sure, because he knew we had no future unless he did, but not totally because of this, I think he suddenly saw what life could be by meeting me.

He has 3 children who live with his wife in Los Angeles. He goes back there once a month or so (his job is UK based) to see them for around a week.

This guy has been incredibly honest with me so far, and he has now told his wife he wants to separate. But - and there is a big but here for me - he says he is planning to remain living in the martial home (in a separate, downstairs room, it's a v large house apparently) so that he can maximise his time with his children when he is back visiting them.

So, what is the issue!?!?
He has split up with her, and has no intention of backtracking - I believe this
It is completely understandable that he wants to spend as much time with his kids whilst he is there (and I would think less of a man who didn't want to do this)
But I have a really uncomfortable feeling about this. And I don't know why or how to articulate it or if it is even rational.

I would really appreciate some advice. Pls be kind, I am trying to do the right thing. It's just that the 'right thing' seems extremely complicated. The right thing in my mind is to be completely separated (i.e. moved out) before getting involved, but I can see his argument re. his kids, who he sees little enough of anyway.

OP posts:
molyholy · 08/07/2015 09:39

he doesn't fall into the classic stereotype

Sorry nappy, but he is a walking cliche. Affair bingo.

Affair while working abroad
Separated from wife but she doesn't know but living with her
Doing all this for his kids how noble
Currently on a 'journey' (ffs)
He wants to be with you but can't be right now

You are so much better off out of it. These are the same lies told in affairs the world over. All he has to say is 'my wife doesn't understand me' and it will be a full house.

Please look to the future and take some time for yourself.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 08/07/2015 09:41

Glad he finished it. Honestly, there is no way you can 100% trust he had finished with his wife. Someone who dates while married is not trustworthy! If he comes back stay away,imo.

In future,please do not date married or taken men,it's wrong and it causes devastation,it's a horrible thing to do. Don't tell them you're not interested 'until the situation changes/they become singer's either. 1. They will lie. 2. You're giving them a cue to temporarily walk away from their wife for a fling. That's not right.

Don't be so trusting of a married man,seriously. He had the perfect set up there!

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 08/07/2015 09:42

*single not singers!!!

BitOutOfPractice · 08/07/2015 09:43

Read this thread back in a year op. I think you'll be shocked at how trusting and naive (how the hell do you spell that?) you sound.

viridus · 08/07/2015 09:54

So he has been "waiting for years to separate" from his wife. So why is this such a shock to him now, he has to have "headspace"? He can't even be honest at the moment.
Another married man who preys on women. Unfortunately these men are also into harassment and stalking too. Of course they wouldnt admit this behaviour, because they are so adept at lying.
Beware that he won't be back, with emotional abuse tactics, these kind of men are experienced in causing emotional car crashes, and not taking responsibility for them.

bettysviolin · 08/07/2015 09:55

Not RTFT but ew. I'm sorry but this ticks every cliché. He has told his wife they are separated. She is fine about it. He isn't quite moving out just yet though, because of the kids and how sad they'd be.

Please. Keep your distance. The reality is, he is away from home for 3 weeks out of 4 and thinks it's about time he made the most of this opportunity to get some extra-marital shags in.

Generally, I think any man who can't face holding an OK marriage together for one week a month so that his children have a secure and happy childhood is scum anyway. (Very judgemental I know, but imho children come first unless the marriage is truly dysfunctional or abusive. If you just lose interest because there are other shiny people you want to take your clothes off with, then you need lessons in how to nurture your inner adult so that you are not destroying lives because you're ruled by your inner spoilt brat.)

Can you imagine walking out on your son just so you could date this man? No? What sort of callous, narcissistic person would you have to be to contemplate that? Still sure you want him? Ew.

wannaBe · 08/07/2015 10:00

op, let's say for the sake of argument that he is genuine and can't face leaving his children and therefore will stay in the family home for as long as it takes them to grow up. That still means that he is not free to pursue a relationship with you. After all, how long would you want to be someone's part time option who is a secret?

I suspect his walking away was a game and that he'll be back. But do yourself a favour, block his number, delete his messages and walk away now before you are persuaded to go back to him and are back posting here a year down the line when you are still playing second best to his man and possibly worse, pregnant with his child.....

And do yourself another favour. Go and look up his wife on fb and satisfy yourself that he is either A, telling the truth and his guilt won't let him leave thus meaning a relationship will never be yours to own, or B, that they are in fact still very much together and that he has been playing you all along. It's not enough to blindly accept what someone tells you after a few weeks because even if he's telling the truth he is still an emotional gameplayer. If he had any respect for you at all he would never have got involved because he knows he never plans to leave his children and is thus not free to pursue a relationship with you.

But there are ways to find out the truth without A, blindly accepting his words without question, or B, listening to the opinions of virtual strangers on the internet. Inform yourself op, and then go and allow yourself the time to get past all this before finding a real relationship, in which you can play an equal part.

Original poster
nappyrat · 08/07/2015 10:02

:( :( - mainly because this is all makign me question my original judgement here. Is it that wrong?!

PeppermintPasty - what is so bad about the word ' journey'? ;)

OP posts:
Original poster
nappyrat · 08/07/2015 10:04

wannabe - she doesnt really use FB.

I actually feel extraordinarily sad for his wife. I think he has treated her really badly (which always niggled at me cos I felt I could be treated as badly) - not just this with me, but previous stuff. I feel really sorry for her - and thta is said in a kind, not patronising way, if that's possible.

Anyway, I am already walking slightly taller I think.

Plenty more fish and all that I guess.

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 08/07/2015 10:05

Oh I'm sorry op. For me, he is ticking all the cliche boxes, and now he's on a 'journey', I mean, seriously? He needs to grow up.

He sounds utterly self absorbed, and using therapy-speak makes him sound like the ultimate twat.

tumbletumble · 08/07/2015 10:05

I don't think your original judgement was wrong. You said in your OP It is completely understandable that he wants to spend as much time with his kids whilst he is there... But I have a really uncomfortable feeling about this and we've all said that you were right to have an uncomfortable feeling. It's not right to be a relationship with a man who is still living in the family home (albeit 25% of the time) and whose wife and kids don't know about you.

wannaBe · 08/07/2015 10:11

Op most of us have been there in terms of having fallen for someone who is nice to us when we're vulnerable. And your judgement wasn't out, you knew it was wrong, but sometimes it's a case of heart rules head and it can take time for your head to overrule what your heart is trying to say.

Did he say that his wife hardly uses fb? Because I would still go and look tbh.

But if you had reservations anyway about how he would have treated you based on how you know he has treated his wife and other past instances, then you can look to the future and see that he wouldn't have fitted in it long-term even if there wasn't a wife and kids in the equation, and let that give you the strength to walk away anyway.

brusselsproutwarning · 08/07/2015 10:23

Op try and think of this as a positive thing because it really is. If he was able to treat his wife and kids like this then imagine how he'd treat you. Glad to hear you're walking taller. He did you a favour by breaking it off. I wouldn't be surprised if he rings you back again. Be ready for him because he'll be full of excuses to get back with you.

viridus · 08/07/2015 10:37

Don't doubt your questioning, and you said you are still in recovery from your marriage. You have had a lucky escape from this predator.
In my opinion, I would ring up his wife and tell her about his behaviour, she has a right to know what kind of person he is. She may know already.
I suppose other people would not approve of this action though.
This man is not worthy of any woman.

MadameJulienBaptiste · 08/07/2015 10:37

He's ended it because you aren't playing the game. Of being the work location girlfriend of a married man working away from home.
so you had to go.
I saw it so many times on construction sites with so many of the men working away.
wives turning up, having spent weeks/months trying nit to listen to their gut feeling. And finding their gut was right.
men moving their caravan off the usual site to one 10 miles away when the wife and kids were coming in the school hols.... telling the girlfriend he had to go home to mind the kids part of the holidays for his 'soon to be ex wife'.
Not to mention all the calls to the office, from the girls who'd been left behind at the last job (often abroad). Desperately tracking their 'boyfriend' or 'fiancee' down through the head office. And the men in the canteen irritated that these girls expect a relationship to carry on after they moved on. 'They know the score' was how one senior site manager put it....

holdonaminute · 08/07/2015 10:41

I second that brussels. 100% he will be back in touch before too long to see if he can bring you round to his way of thinking. I have been you OP - the analysing, the justifying, the defensiveness when questioned by friends - it is truly soul destroying. You got out - please make sure you stay out.

viridus · 08/07/2015 10:58

Unfortunately I got involved with someone like this. He harassed me for about eight months. These men seem to sense people who have low self esteem, or have had a lot of problems in their life, to squirm their way into your life.
He very nearly destroyed my life.
Be careful when he contacts you again.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/07/2015 11:40

Who told you she doesn't use fb? Let me guess!

Yes, he'll be back. All bereft no doubt. Be strong.

Hope you're ok op. I'm sure you're hurting now but console yourself with the fact that you're doing the right thing Thanks

cozietoesie · 08/07/2015 11:47

...previous stuff...?

Oh you're well out of this one.

AnyFucker · 08/07/2015 11:50

nappy, I am glad you feel some relief

the situation was clearly bothering you

no more contact with him now

let him get on with his marriage

my prediction is that if you keep your ear to the ground your position as "UK squeeze" will be filled before too long....with someone who asks fewer questions than you do

take care of you and your son now....there are better things out there for you Thanks

Dowser · 08/07/2015 11:50

And I know you'll think "God she's projecting" I can tell you that amongst men (and women to be fair) that work away from home, this kind of double life is depressingly common. I'd say of the people I know who work away for long periods, (and I know a lot because of the circles my exDP moved in) 70% are playing away as well as working away.

All of them "happily married" at home.

It's depressing, but it's true.

My cousin has worked many years on a cruise ship. He has seen it all the time with members of his crew.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/07/2015 12:04

Dowser my experience is puli dusty but same thing

Dowser · 08/07/2015 12:20

Finally read the whole thread OP. phew!

You've dodged a bullet there haven't you?

I've re read your post. You've known this guy just a few weeks and he's already pulled at your heart strings . Thank god you've got out before he'd ripped it apart into and danced onthe pieces.

What shouts out to me apart from all the other stuff is instead of dilly dallying around with you why isn't he putting his efforts into finding a job where he gets to see his kids whom he professes to care about for more than 12 weeks a year.

This does not make sense tome at all.

He's created three kids that he loves yet only gets to see them every three weeks. Very odd. Wonder how they feel about their part time dad when they are swanning around their big house.

He seems to like all the status and trappings of his high flying career more than really being a family man. His poor wife OP. I wonder what she makes of it all.

I'm just imagining her trying to keep it all together

I don't think you will have heard the last from yet. I think he may have one more go as he doesn't want to appear as the bad guy.

Stay strong. Delete his number. Take up an activity to fill the gap you created for him in your life.

Well done for walking away.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/07/2015 12:24

Puli dusty?! Wtaf?! Oil industry. Oil industry!!

wowfudge · 08/07/2015 12:26

I read your OP and there were so many alarm bells ringing. He was looking for an affair and you wouldn't be the other woman so then he lied to you about his circumstances. One week a month in LA? Yeah, right. It's bastards like him who have two families and bigamous marriages. You are well out of it.