MOST AFFAIRS ARE WOMENS OWN FAULT!? WOULD YOU AGREE?

[kittylette]

I think that most men have affairs because something is missing at home,

if a womans a great cook in the kitchen, a shoulder to cry on, a whore in the bedroom, then there shouldnt be too much of a problem!

i really do think this is the case, and will probably get slated for thinking so,

but this morning on 'loose women' they were all laughing about how they all faked headaches and say they're too tired to avoid sex, and how they only do it once a month and think of england!!
well no wonder men go looking for sex if its being denied it at home??

i always try my best to look good for my DP, and cook nice meals, and we have sex most nights (and i have 2 babies under 2)

just a thought!

kitty

I have been absolutely shocked by the general mumsnet consensus that sex does not have to exist in marriage. It's a fundamental part of the marriage contract as far as I'm concerned (although I'm diuvorced so perhaps shouldn't post on marriage threads at all) and if you don't feel like it then you need to get that sorted out. Both partners owe it to the other. Obviously if you've just given birth or he's got cancer etc you make exceptions.

A lot of men and women do have affairs. I get a lot of married men emailing me who I reject and a lot of have talked to me about adultery and marriage.

Of course men and women are more likely to look elsewhere however wrong that is if they're not getting it at home or they are apart for periods. Most adultery is because of opportunity so I think avoiding things like one person living in the country and the other in the town or business trips away etc helps as do things like kitty says as does middleaged men avoiding the disgusting beer gut unfit bad clothes look - it all works both ways.

Thing is, a lot of people who are just downright lucky really do believe they must have done something to cause their good luck. Well-off? Must be because I was beaten at school and it never did me no harm/left school as soon as I could and built up my own business/studied hard and got loads of qualifications/ mum stayed at home/mum had a career/whatever. Happily married? Must be because I never let the sun go down on an argument/had very high standards and didn't settle for Mr Almost Perfect/chose someone Daddy would like/give blow jobs every night/whatever.

Fact is, often happiness or success are largely down to sheer luck. Such as meeting the right man for you at the right time when you were both available. You can't spin that into 'I caused this by taking logical steps x, y and z and if only everyone else would do exactly what I did they would be happy to.' It's confusing association with causation.

'too', obv.

I don't object to the idea of sex in a marriage. Good god no!
I do object to the idea that, for men, "if a womans a great cook in the kitchen, a shoulder to cry on, a whore in the bedroom, then there shouldnt be too much of a problem!"

Talk about the 1950s! Just been reading something about advice columns in women's magazines in the 50s (Yup, I have thrilling Friday nights, me! And where is dh? Fast asleep in bed...) and kitty's views are spot on. Women whose husbands are unfaithful are advised to try to make more of an effort, or failing that to put up and shut up. You're not really 22, kitty, are you? You're 93 and a faux-genteel 1950s advice columnist in disguise...

Let's face it, some people are ho's.

Nothing wrong w/that.

So long as, if they chose to be in what is supposed to be a monogamous relationship, they keep it in their thoughts.

I must be getting old, b/c I've come to the conclusion that the fantasy is usually far better than the reality for me these days.

And, yes, I once picked up a man on a Lothian bus.

No, i would not say your perception of the world is correct!, in fact i would say that you have made some exceptionally derogative comments.

If we are dealing in facts, i earn more than my husband.

I have no desire for my husband to dress up in certain way (ie. pvc underpants or make my dinner!)or for me to preceive him in different way,and i cant say that this would lead me to stray if he did not or to look at anyone who payed me me a commlementary remark as a catch!

I also have studies phycology which i can say have NOT led me do your final analasis !and i can only assume you have been led to believe that youre accusations have led to a behaviousr or assumption

Spot on, sittingbull!

My dad used to travel on business quite a bit.

People would ask my mother, 'Aren't you worried he'll cheat?'

Her reply was always, 'If a person wants to cheat, they don't have to go a thousand miles away to do it.'

As someone who has experienced infidelity, i would say that it;s the most heart-breaking experience. And children do make a difference. My girls were one (just) and three. And I'm sorry, age does make a difference as do massive amount of situations which, perhaps you experience when you're older and perhaps when you're younger. But age makes a difference, it's bound to.

I think the thing to elabolate on is that a person will cheat dependant on their own pychological needs and proforma. not on what their partner says.... It depends on their needs as as an idividual not on pvc underwear and a roast dinner. Love is love and lust is lust at the end of the day and your definition will come!!!!

I don't think you are sorry about your comments and you meant to cause offence.How could you not.Women who's partners cheat it is their fault and they are pathetic for posting on here about it.You are so so wronng and have a lot to learn about life.Hope it never happens to you.It is vile.Men do not go elsewhere for sex because they are not getting any at home sweetheart.Do your homework and then come back.

Exactly, im the opposite to your post !i am fully fulfilled within my role. Im aware of any proceedings against an employer that could be taken wrongly.

So are u saying if i dont ask my husband to act like a slut, and do everything its fine that he cheats?

If these are not in their system, please so let me know your concerns! as i would like to know where the cheat factor becomes into play

dont hink i btr read the whole thread! is this 1912 kit? sometimes men cheat beacuse they can, women r too good to them sumtimes, and sometimes vica versa, when women cheat!

they also get bored if u obey evreything they say, their is no excitement, u'll never win!

hmp ff, what to say!

I THINK KITTY HIT IT ON THE HEAD! 9PHYSCOLOGICAL ETC)

omg! 22! im 24, i dont/ wudnt want to have the energy to be a plastic person and pretend kiity? wtf! SO SYKES AGE DOESNT MAKE A DIFF, ITS A CHANGE OF SCENERY, AND THE EXCITEMENT OF IT ALL!

exactly, so a womens fault is not valid and get with the needs theOry!!

Most affairs happen because the underlying genetic imperative for males of any species is to procreate with as many females as possible in order to disseminate their genetic material as widely as possible.
Sorry to burst your bubble kittylette but in my experience, most men will take the opportunity to have sex when it looks like it's on offer - the smarter ones will only do so when they think they won't get caught. This does not preclude happily married men who have wives who love them sooo much and put out on a regular basis after a gourmet meal. Men are just able to separate sex from love in their heads - I will relate a story about a male collegue of mine who made a pass at me during a work training course. He was very happily married (I had witnessed him with his lovely family on many occasions)so after I refused him, I asked him why he had hit on me and this is what he said:
"It's like waiting for your wife in the glove department of Debenhams. You look at the gloves to pass the time and sometimes you try a pair on just to see how they feel but you know your wife is on her way to meet you and you never have any intention of buying any".

I'm just saying, we are all at risk of our husbands having an affair, not at fault

Gawd, means my hubby is well overdue then...I can cook but it's mainly the same stuff week in week out, nowhere near a whore in the bedroom (on the odd occasions that I feel up to it)

Still, he hasn't strayed, so I do think that your theory is absolutley flawed.

Love & respect stop a man from straying, to blame it on the wife is exactly what the mistress/cheating man would say to make themselves feel better.

Which are you?

Well thanks . Lovely thread to read as a woman who's wonderful (not) H has had an affair, sorry not read all the posts. Yep guess what it's all my fault. Did everything, let him do all he wanted never (apart from one time when severely tired) refused sex or feigned headache. Made an effort when he was around, although he'd probably differ. Hey you know I'm now past caring. He wants his new life and so off he goes, regardless of nine years together and two beautiful boys. It's an easy excuse to blame the wife. My theory. Men are too easily swayed by flirty attentive women. Some act on it and some don't. Mine did.

Please don't misunderstand, I'm happily married (I'm pretty sure my hubby is too) and don't want to be seen to condone adultery in any way but I was trying to point out to Kitty that it doesn't matter how much sex they're getting at home, men can't help the way their brains are wired.
Also, true affairs (rather than one-off sexual liasons) are nobody's fault, human emotions are very complex and there is no black or white and the blame cannot be laid squarely at anybody's feet in such cases.

Quick question though gmummy if you found out your dh had had an affair;then after you found out promised it was over and pledged to do everything to save what you had and it all turned out to be one big lie wouldn't you want to blame him and the mistress???? Since she knew she was helping to break up a marriage and take a father away from two small boys. I won't blame myself any more. My H has taken no responsibility for his actions and neither will she of course. Call me old-fashioned but my husband vowed to love and honour me, not run off at the slightest difficulty into someone else's arms. Sorry everyone, had a bad week, and these kind of threads get to me somewhat.

'you lot dont half talk a load of shit'

'he doesnt go for fat old women'

'when you grow up youll be old as well as fat'

'but i wont have any problems and if i did id talk to my friends, i wouldnt be so pathetic as to post about my very personal problems to strangers'

So, what happens if you have another child? Can't quite get the baby weight off, getting older, getting fatter will he 'go for' you then? Or trade you in for a younger slimmer model?

The reason people are telling you to grow up is because your first line of defence is to attack people, call names & swear, playground stuff! Stop it! If you are grown up, be a bit more mature in your posting.

When your df does stray (if & when, not saying he will) I will be surprised if you share it with your friends, especially if you have been so smug.

I have been with dh for 17 years, since I was 15. I had an affair when I was 19, why? Because I wanted to see if the grass was greener on the other side, before we got married, as he was my first, see it does happen. Luckily I told him & he forgave me.

"ive a 6 year relationship behind me, i have 2 children, i run a family home"

Sorry, but that doesn't mean you are mature! My sister is 21, 3 children and house & I have never met a more immature person...oh no, wait I have...my 36 year old "friend" on her 4 pregnancy (4 fathers) who has just convinced her eldest (16 yrs) to have the baby she has accindentally fallen pg with 'because it will be fun to wtach my child grow up with my grandchild, we can COMPARE them!! WTF!

Pride comes before a fall!

oh & the guy I messed about with was single...so I only risked my own relationship!