Oh he doesn't think it's too judgemental now, does he? Bloody hell. How interesting. How utterly predictable. This is a man willing to completely change his opinions, self and truths according to the circumstances and in order to not be left with nothing. I'd respect him more if he had a single solid fucking bone in his body.
It is only when you truly are ready to leave him that he magically truly is ready to get serious. What does this tell us? Yes, it's probably that the OW has finally had enough, but also that he is motivated only by the potential of his own loss, not by your pain or love for you and DD, which has been consistent since discovery.
It is sad to see you use words like trudge when you were previously using words like build and dream. It is hard to see you crash through your bottom line, which was very very clear. I would humbly suggest you think about a new bottom line, what it is, and why you are very quickly prepared to disregard the old one. What, if anything has changed.
I'm actually going to go against established wisdom here. I think you have all the information here. There's no more to get. I think your trudging on is a representation of limbo, rather like his, in which you are too weak and hurt right now to be able to make a choice. The difference being you have every right to be weak and hurt. He is a selfish, irresponsible liar. It is very very hard to close doors. Life is choice and choice is loss and loss is pain. I think that by not being able to face further pain you are going to keep both realities potentially available to you. But I believe this is no way to live and is more damaging in the long term.
His crying and noises are irrelevant. Different dances. Like a child who cries over having a toy taken away. Do you comfort the tantrum? Worse, do you return the toy?...What's being learnt here as a pattern?
So I'm going to suggest you should consider taking him back, since it has always seemed that's what you were going to do. It's pretty clear that when somebody says 'It's over if they do this' then they do that, and it's not over that something else is at play. Whenever you encounter him you get pulled into his orbit. What I find infuriating in regard to him is that it is very clear from your description that it is HE that wanted to talk. HE came into your house, HE put her to bed and then HE said you should talk. The power relation is utterly clear immediately. You were in no way ready to talk, but HE wanted to so it is assumed. So you did. This is in direct contrast to the advice you gave yourself only yesterday in this thread. This is not a healthy way you can either free yourself OR build a different relationship with him. You talk when YOU are ready to talk. And preferably, in the first example, get to a point where you aren't bothered about talking at all. You are part of this dance.
If you take him back you can move through the script faster, which will probably be something like a very positive first three months, adrenaline and honesty inspired. Then there will be a depression from one or both of you, you perhaps because the old familiar tropes of the relationship are raising their head again and you begin to think that you had a chance to get out and you didn't take it. If your life is going well outside of him you will begin to wonder why you stayed and if it going badly you will become very down and resent him. You will also have huge trust issues which he will become angered by and say you agreed to forget. He will be angry with you even if he does get back in contact with OW (when people fall in love they fall in love. It doesn't just disappear). Even if your trust issues are right, he will respond with anger because in his head what difference does it make, she doesn't actually know, and he decided to stay so, you know, Tom won. So you will have no way of knowing if you are paranoid or right. You will not want to cause problems because of DD and you can't put her through that again. It is, in most cases like yours, the harder path.
So I am actually going to suggest a few things, if you don't mind. I think you should consider reading a book called 'The Passion Trap' (sometimes called the Passion Paradox) which explains exactly why he is behaving as he is right now. I strongly think you need to continue with individual counselling, whether with the lady you saw together or someone new. I think you need to think about how his admission that he 'steers' you is actually quite a dark thing, and that it is going on now. And I actually think, against conventional wisdom that you should make a choice one way or the other and live through it. Half-hearted is no way to live. There's no more information to come. Nothing will 'become apparent'. If you finished with him it at least you could find your strength and meet someone else who could provide you all the things you will be missing right now, which you associate with HIM, but are actually just associated with a PARTNER. If you get back with him at least you will understand how you feel more quickly.
Ps. His phone was blank after HE came into your house and HE SUGGESTED that you talk? Not exactly a shocker.