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Original poster

Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

910 replies

tomatoplantproject · 30/06/2015 22:14

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/07/2015 20:01

Fuck him. If he wants to try and screw me over let him. Try I mean. It's not as if I will sign over anything at all just because he tries. I need to protect dd and for her I will be a tiger.

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 02/07/2015 20:06

Good for you. Don't forget it is best to take action when you feel strong. By which I mean to end things, or tell people how and why it is over. Like you know when you're on a diet? If you tell people they tend to support you, plus you don't order the burger when you're out with them. If you carry it all on your own you're more likely to feel lonely and to doubt yourself. No one can go through these things alone.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/07/2015 20:24

Thank you blood. I have to say I don't feel that strong yet. Although I only cried once today. I might wait another day or two to tell him when I am feeling less defenceless.

My parents know and 3 out of 4 of my team know.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 02/07/2015 21:03

also have to finally let go of my dreams for a big, noisy, happy home filled with my children and their friends, and instead it's going to be just me and dd

You can still have a big, noisy, happy home filled by you and DD and her friends and your friends! Grin You and Dd can be as sociable as you like, have the house how you want it, have as many friends over as often as you like! It sounds fun, and it sounds like a great dream which you can start straight away! It's going to be a lot easier to achieve your dream without the hideous headfuck of an unfaithful, entitled, arrogant tosser spoiling it. You and your DD can have a wonderful life together filled with friends in your sociable, noisy happy home. Thanks

Christinayanglah · 02/07/2015 21:59

The emptying of the accounts is him sending you another message, he is still all about power and control

You do have a bright future ahead of you and you will have a house full of dds friends, do you really think this would have happened with him in the house?

Keep your chin up mrs, get angry and get your legal advice ASAP

We are all here for you x

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/07/2015 22:07

I'm kind of done with anger. I'm going to treat him like I do work stuff. Just another item on a to-do list. See how long that lasts eh? It should help with the distancing and not playing power games.

I am going to start a wine-tasting book club. Venue chez moi. The founder members will be my little team and I am going to ask them to recruit a couple more people I don't know.

You have all inspired me to start bringing people in to our home (not that we don't already have play dates) but to start making it a hub.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 02/07/2015 22:10

By emptying the accounts he's trying to make you more dependent on him and waver your resolve.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/07/2015 22:12

Bugger that for a game of soldiers

OP posts:
Lacoba66 · 02/07/2015 22:48

Go girl, go! Grin

BloodontheTracks · 02/07/2015 22:59

Great idea, exactly. Start living the life you dreamt of now.
And it's a great sign that you're starting to think of him without emotion. That's a really successful approach.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 03/07/2015 09:06

Right. Today. Its 9am and dd is at nursery with her bestie.

I have set the wheels in motion for my wine tasting book club and there are 4 of us with a 5th invited. It might get a bit noisy!

I have a couple of SHL recommendations which I am being sent details for and will follow those up when they come in.

I am going to pop in to the estate agent to get some facts.

I have yoga in a bit followed by lunch with a friend.

So today is going to be a good day, regardless of what happens on the job front.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 03/07/2015 11:34

Good for you. Enjoy the weather too whilst it lasts. Smile

IcecreamHavoc · 03/07/2015 11:56

Great father there. Would it be wrong to say/text to him you've just tried to buy milk for his daughter and there is no money in the account.

CateCadiz · 03/07/2015 12:31

Well done you. Your head is very much in the right place Tom. Your heart will take longer to catch up, but it will.....I promise.x.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 03/07/2015 12:38

Thank you for your support. I'm not ready to think about my poor heart.

I am not engaging with him. If he wants to start playing games then he's playing them on his own. And that includes money.

Have spoken to a solicitor. I know my position a bit more. The estate agent is in a bit later so will see him after lunch.

OP posts:
GammonAndEgg · 03/07/2015 21:02

How did this afternoon go, Tom?

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 04/07/2015 09:02

The dance continues.

He put the money back in the account. Collected dd from nursery and did her bed time routine. And then wanted to chat.

So I told him I was done. I wanted to separate. That his telling me the truth was a gift because I could finally step off the merry go round. I couldn't stay with him knowing he was such a liar.

He burst into tears. Is devastated. Can't bear the thought of us not being a family. Is going to get help. Will do whatever it takes. Yada. Yada. Yada.

I saw his phone - he has deleted her texts, no recent phone calls, emails deleted.

If I get a full time job he will cut down to 4 days a week. This was what he wanted to talk to me about before I told him I wanted to separate.

Its 2 months too late.

It's really hard seeing him this broken and not feeling my natural reaction which would be to comfort him. I kept saying to him that he chose this. He actively fell in love - it took effort to do so. He actively continued the affair. He actively kept up contact after I found out and he actively planned a holiday with her to see if they had a long term future.

I have a feeling I knew I wasn't strong enough for the onslaught.

In the meantime I have properly set the wheels in motion for my wine tasting book club, and know a bit more about property prices around the area.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 04/07/2015 09:11

I'm sorry op, that must have been shit.

I still can't believe his arrogance though. He thought he could have both of you and then, slowly, make his choice.

He never saw you as an independent thinking human being at all.

Rozalia · 04/07/2015 09:13

Good for you, tom. I'm in a similar position, been separated for several months now. Same kind of thing with affair "it's all over"....months later "it's all over now".

I get STBXH sobbing down the phone and sending me loooong miserable texts. Well ain't that a shame? He didn't give a fuck about my feelings when he was gaslighting, lying, cheating, stringing us both along.

It was a nearly 20 year marriage and he'd been a controlling abusive bastard so I feel really liberated now. So do you from the sounds of it. Too bad your H is distraught now. What did he think? That you would put up with his shenanigans indefinitely? He was such a catch?

Your DD(?)will be fine, she has a strong mummy. It might not be ideal, whatever that is, but it's much more ideal than an unhappy mum who can't trust her husband and is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which it will

QuiteLikely5 · 04/07/2015 09:13

If he wants to prove no contact with OW ask for his phone bill!

MsPavlichenko · 04/07/2015 09:15

Is he really devastated, or he is he full of self pity as he realises the consequences of his actions? Hope you manage a reasonable weekend.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 04/07/2015 09:17

He didn't see me as independent at all. He has now decided that dd and I will come first and he will get help to work through his ego issues and why he can't be content with what he has.

I felt really liberated yesterday. Now I'm back to that head swirling mess just wondering what will be next.

OP posts:
magoria · 04/07/2015 09:18

Never forget.

He may have put the money back now (when coming to show you how upset he is coincidentally) but he deliberately took it out preventing you from buying basics for your (and his DD) to punish you in his anger.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 04/07/2015 09:19

I don't know if the devastation is really self-pity. It could well be.

Looking at his phone records is a good idea. I don't know what it would achieve though.

OP posts:
NeitherHereOrThere · 04/07/2015 09:25

Did he say why he took the money out?

Phone records are a good idea if you want to stay with him - but its a bit pointless now. You know he's a liar and that knowing how devastated you were, CHOSE to continue the affair in secret.