Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

How can he be furious? It doesn't make sense!!

Good for you, Tom.

Letter-writing can be super-cathartic. Do it. But don't send it. YET.

Sounds great!

Whether he has a right to be furious or not, he just will be.

He's a tosser.

Dear Tom,

I am so sorry about the latest developments. From the outside - and you know this yourself - it is more of the same - predictable even.

You really need to emotionally protect yourself going forward as this is when it will get even tougher - a cornered rat - he will attack you.

You know that you have tried and tried and tried - you have no regrets.

But you are strong. See each of his fuckwittery actions as a wave - it is knock you off balance - maybe even pull you under for a day or so - but you will come out the otherside. You have all of your practical ducks in a row - yuo have all the emotional support around you - make sure you use it.

But be prepared for further assaults - they are predicable so imagine them ahead - he will move in with her, she will have car of yoru child, they will marry and they will have a child.....all of that will cut you to the core.

Do not engage with OW - do not write to her - that will be circulated and you will be cast as the "mad ex-wife".

He is a deluded narcisist - dont feed the monster - engagement is their oxygen - put up your barriers and cut off all communication - that will torment him - ensure all of your F&F are briefed not to give him any info.

Be clear on your boundaries - he cannot drop in - he cannot approach you at the bus stop - this is controlling and stalkerish - I would ask you solicitor about this - maybe you need to instruct him once not to approach you etc.

Watch how he manipulates and reels you in with sick child, picking up bits. Dont respond - block - your daughter will be fine in his care and her scooter is not urgent - he is only trying to get to you.

It is like putting your hand in the fire - he is a dangerous man and he will burn you time and time again.

Thats really helpful thank you. I can already see how he reeled me in before using dd.

I didn't feel strong enough before which I think was one of the reasons I was prevaricating but am now much more stable and ready. I have told the wider family which also helps so there is a stronger support system for me and dd.

The reason for a very carefully worded letter to the ow may stop their relationship in its tracks. And infuriate him so much he won't want to come up to me for a cozy chat at the bus stop.

Hopefully she won't want him soon. He is drinking too much, his clothes smell, he has put weight on and his breath stinks.

I still have most of his clothes and I haven't bagged them up and ditched them is because it is far too satisfying knowing they are getting eaten by moths (and my stuff has been painstakingly protected).

If you do write, keep it brief but powerful.

I'd say something about the songs he used being yours first as well.

When the shit hits the fan - will will jump to doing something permanent with her for show - to prove to try to himself and his disaprovong family and friends that it was/is serious and worth the devastation it has caused --- we see it time and time again - so please try to protect yourself from any mad stunts he will pull. What do you think that you can say to ow that she doesn't already know and wil disrupt their relationship?

Dear God.

Tom, read and believe every word written since you posted your update because these ladies have it in a nutshell. In fact there is so much truth in whats written here there is just no point in cutting and pasting the relevant bits because everything is relevant.

The OW is not a stalker. She's in London because he wanted her in London so please pay particular attention to this because never a truer word was spoken.

When the shit hits the fan - will will jump to doing something permanent with her for show - to prove to try to himself and his disaprovong family and friends that it was/is serious and worth the devastation it has caused --

Please stop googling. I know its hard but you really don't need to know anything more than you already do and the things you read will forever be burned into your eyeballs if not your heart. You will never be able to 'unsee' things.

I read your posts and I get palpitations such is my sense of been there, done that, got the fecking awful t-shirt.

Im just so sorry you are going through this.

I always learn a huge amount from BloodontheTracks but I disagree that any contact with OW is in your interest.

Thus far you have the moral high ground & you haven't put a foot wrong with him or his family or anyone.

But there is no way you can contact OW without looking mad and bitter - or at least being characterised as such.

I would write a long letter and burn it - ceremoniously if you like.

If she chooses to believe a liar, a cheat and a narcissist, if she chooses to uproot her life for him - that's her problem.

If she stays around in his life, you can create a relationship with her that will piss him off in the long run if you like - but she may not last.

Right now, the ink is not yet dry, hell the blood isn't even dry - so lick your wounds, focus on yourself and DD, and get even with mofo of a divorce. Forget about OW - if it hadn't been her it would have been someone else.

Leave the ow for now, you need to focus on protecting yourself, his carefully constructed mask is really going to slip now, he just won't be able to comprehend how you could possible have rejected him

Cut all contact unless it is about dd and Ensure this is done through email

There will be more pain to come as you really start to see what a Monster he actually is, but you will be fine, there is an end in sight now and you are taking control. You should be proud of yourself, it would have been so much easier to take him back, but you have decided what you want from life and what you deserve and you have decided that it's not a lying , cheating scum bag...well done xxxx

Tom however carefully you word a letter to OW, if you send it you will only paint yourself as "The Crazy Ex". You are judging the impact of your letter by the reasoning/standards that you yourself hold but you are not dealing with people who have the same moral compass as you.

Look at it this way, many of us have seen right through your ex's lies and manipulation from early on and predicted with accuracy how things might pan out. However (and this is absolutely NO criticism or reflection on you whatsoever) it took you a long time to see for yourself what was really going on after several months of repeated advice, theorising etc, coupled with him acting ever more like a complete shit. Despite this you had to be ready in yourself before you could absorb what people were telling you.

It's therefore highly improbable that one letter to the OW, no matter how you word it, will cause the ructions you anticipate or make her see the light because she will believe who she wants to believe. She knew your H had a wife and young child - you are not going to change the opinion of someone like that and if anything you will simply reinforce in her mind that she has rescued this poor hard done by man from the clutches of his cold, uncaring and unappreciative ex wife. You won't be there to defend your point of view against any explanations that your ex will give to OW if she does bring any of your points up with him.

I would also caution against infuriating your ex any more than you need to before your financial settlement is done and dusted - yes the divorce petition will piss him off royally but deep down once the dust has settled he'll know it's not something done out of spite. A shit-stirring letter on the other hand is a different kettle of fish altogether. Not that he doesn't deserve it but you need to play smart until this whole nasty business is over.

I know this is tough but stay strong

Yes, for what it's worth, I'm supportive of the writing of the letter, not necessarily the sending. I think one-way stuff like that will just be denied or deliberately misrepresented. Tom is way wise enough to decide what's best for herself. I just feel irrationally kind of angry about how Tom's Ex seems to completely preserve and sell his carefully protected, controlled 'truths'. (Like remember all that bullshit about being uncontactable on the holiday so he could really 'think?!' when it's clear in hindsight he was worried about OW seeing Tom's communciation) The thing is, I've known a few situations like this in my life which have festered and brutalised for YEARS, and frankly a 5 minute conversation between the wife and the OW would have brought everything crumbling down for the hedging man immediately. That's why it's so annoying. But really it's sadistic in my part, not necessarily in tom's best interest. And I can definitely see the 'clean hands' argument. Hope you feel better tonight, Tom.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.....

let their relationship grow deep, let them become entwined...

.....it will either falter on its own

......or a couple of years down the line you will have the opportunity to drop in clear bombs that will implode it.....

keep your powder dry - say anything/do now and you will be seen as the mad crazy xW - save it for later and you can just drop things in cooly and do a lot more damage....

I actually agree that in certain circumstances direct communication between wife & OW can be helpful. But that's usually when wife thinks husband is lying but not sure and can't prove it, or she wants to believe he's telling the truth and needs to check. A quick chat with the OW can sort a few things out.

But in this case - Tom knows for sure he's cheated and he's lied so I can't see what is in it for her. OW knows he's married with a kid, so there's nothing she's going to learn from it either.

If OW believes his spiel as much as Tom has done - and she must if she's uprooted to London - nothing Tom can say will sink in.

Yes, I think that's true, you're right. He's clearly very very persuasive and having made such a big move it'd be too much cognitive dissonance for her to reframe the choice as foolish. They're right, I think maybe, Tom, I would still write it though for therapeutic reasons.

I hate to say this, but can you be even sure the ow hasn't met your dd yet?
I honestly believe he has absolutely no morals.
Mulranna is correct in stating, expect the worst from him now, it will protect you and how you deal with the coming months on getting over him.

Thank you all. Lots of food for thought.

I am really nervous about what he will do next and what he will do to hurt me because the gloves are now well and truly off (even if I don't shit stir any more).

I have written a very cathartic letter but won't send it for now.

In the meantime my lovely sil has introduced dd to Let it Go and its now playing for the fifth and final time before bed. Some of the words seem to be resonating...

The thing is, I've known a few situations like this in my life which have festered and brutalised for YEARS, and frankly a 5 minute conversation between the wife and the OW would have brought everything crumbling down for the hedging man immediately.

Yes. I agree with this. And whilst Ive had no contact with the OW my husband is with now apart from when she phoned me and called me a bitch on my wedding anniversary. I thought it was a wrong number . I take great delight in knowing that when my children had her and their father cornered in a hotel room 3 months ago it was obvious much of what she was hearing was news to her and a complete and utter shock.

Im sorry my children went through it even though they take great satisfaction in the shock on her face when she was looking at my husband as if to say "tell me this is not true" and all he could do was tell their maid to pack their belongings up as it was time to leave.

I would love to have my 5 mins with her even though I know I'd hear things that would hurt a lot but as much as I'd like it Im afraid at almost 60 there's no way I want to see the very much younger woman that my husband has taken up with - even though my children (and a shocked friend of my husband) have assured me there's no competition because its obvious what she is and no amount of my husbands money has been able to disguise it. There are some things that money just cannot buy.

And I think thats the thing about meeting up with these women - you really do have to be pretty confident about yourself and if you're not I think you could very easily end up feeling worse.

I hate admitting all of that because it makes me feel very sad amongst other things but I think it should be kept in mind if you want to have your 5 minutes with the OW in order to have all your husbands chickens come home to roost at once.

Tom, I think you are correct to expect the worst now that you're thwarting him even more but there's no point in living afraid so can you perhaps tell us what you fear the most?

What is the worst thing this man can do to you? Because once you've worked that out you can stop being scared of so many other things.

I completely cross posted.

I like the idea of keeping my powder dry. There's absolutely no point in antagonising him further until I get money and contact sorted.

Other women (in particular) in his life will be saying things to her if their relationship lasts the distance. I might wait for her to come to me. I'm not sure but not a decision for now.

I don't think she will have met dd - she's a very chatty little thing and always tells me what they've been doing. Up until now he won't have dared let our two worlds cross.

Oh Sansoora, you're fab, what a lot to go through and what a heartfelt, generous post. Yeah, I think there's a point after which it's not worth it. I think it's early on, when a cheater is trying to keep all plates spinning desperately in the wake of discovery or something, when ironically everyone is in too much shock to be strong and brave enough to demand things, that meeting can be decisively useful. Also, as you say, how much does one WANT to know.

He has already been hurting you in a very primal way, reeling you in and then deceiving you over and over. The heart creaks open a little each time with that and it must be awful. I wonder if actually from here on no matter what he does, you will be strong enough to withstand it. You've been ever so strong so far.

Sorry that last bit was for Tom, but could maybe apply to Sansoora too!

Sorry I'm multi tasking and not keeping up.

I'm scared about losing dd somehow and what she'll learn about morals.

I'm terrified she will get pregnant.

Thank you Blood