Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

My view, His absolute dream, as it always has been, is to lose nothing and to keep two women in love with him and have them both hold up attractive mirrors. You need to detach. Cold, formal communication, possibly only over email with a special email address / mobile phone that you check only when you want to and feel strong. No access to the house. No approaching you in public places and any effort to do so will be seen as manipulative and abusive. You must see now that he cannot bear feeling like a bad guy because of his ego. He is incredibly manipulative, shockingly so. This is also why he has not told you about the Italian Job at work. The man is unbearably vain and cowardly. A personality like his cares a LOT what other people think. More than about most other things. If he approaches you, you can make a scene. i suspect the charm will drop instantly. Personally, I would also begin a relationship with OW. I know that is not a good idea for the majority and seems crazy. But That will DeSTROY someone that controlling.

I would also suggest you start dating, if only for fun and stories. To begin with you'll probably meet a lot of not rights. But if you do it just for the adventure and the tales, that will help.

Tom - have followed your threads from the beginning. It sounds to me like it's not stalkerish on the Italian job's part. I don't think he ever ended it with her. Why would you move from your own country to a new country to be with someone who had told you it was over? It doesn't make sense. He's clearly been stringing the both of you along. He's obviously fed her a complete load of bullshit which she has bought into and has moved closer to him in order to continue and strengthen their relationship. No one would move to a new country and to the same building as someone who didn't want to be with them any longer, not unless she was nuts anyway.

I'm really sorry you found out this way but it looks like he's never going to tell you the truth, goodness knows you've given him enough chances.

If I was you I'd be very tempted to get in touch with the OW and put her straight on a few things. That's just me though. You sound like a very tough lady who puts your DD first. You'll get through this, it will be tough but you've proved already you can do this .

The way he is so disrespectful to you is dreadful Tom. Stay strong.

Thank you all for your messages. My lovely friends were there for me again last night, and I got a good sleep in which has helped.

I have set some stuff in motion which is going to infuriate him very soon. I've also updated his sister so his family are aware of what he has been doing. I have built relationships with pretty much everyone who is important to him and there is no way that she will be welcomed with warmth by them.

I had always thought I would stay away from OW. However I now know her work address and its possible I could write a carefully worded letter to her. In a way though I think they deserve each other and can rot in their filth. Shes either nuts or utterly naive but she knew he was married with a small child.

Dating... Hmmm. Maybe in 2016. I am going to need some little adventures at some stage but there is no way I feel ready right now!!

I do feel as if I am putting my carefully constructed plan into action. My friends last night were basically saying what a fool he is, and how much he has underestimated me. I'm still beyond furious with him and doing as much as I can when I have this anger so I can't weaken and go back. Burning those bridges once and for all.

Ah Tom I dreaded something like this

I know it hurts, I know that you have held on to your dreams and this is a sore one, but tom it is time for letting go. Please don't think of everything you may not have, you just don't know what is around the corner. For now you need to focus on one small step at a time, use your energy to get through each stage

Allow yourself your grief and then box it up and put it away, that life is done and I can promise you my lovely, one day you will look back and feel nothing

2015 has been hell for you, an emotional ride, with a new nightmare at every turn, but 2016 will be different, you are free Tom, next year you will control your own happiness...what an adventure

Always here for you mrs xxxxx

Like my mum says, I tried my very best and can look back and know there are no "if onlys".

You've got me in floods of tears again Christina. I think 2015 has been my year of crying.

I'm sorry mrs xxx

I have dd back in the house which is wonderful but she's been in an odd mood all evening and really hungry - and now struggling to go to sleep.

I've tried to keep really busy all day and thought I was doing ok but I'm now crashing. I'm so disappointed that he allowed this situation to happen. If she was coming to London to be with him why beg me to take him back? And if he wanted me back so badly why let me stumble across some information which would inevitably lead to such a catastrophic fallout? I was always going to find out, it was just timing.

I'm appalled by his cowardice.

Up until the day he met the Italian he said that I made him the happiest he had ever been. I couldn't believe he could have cheated and then been so cruel towards me again and again.

Because he doesn't want to be left in the lurch. If you won't take him back he wants a fallback position. If things fizzle out with Italian Job he wants you to be waiting in the wings.

He has manipulated both of you for his own ends from the get go.

It was only 3 weeks ago that you said that he had said he'd cut with her for good and I asked how many times we'd heard that one. I didn't believe he had broken with her then, although I didn't expect her to have hot-footed to London so fast.

Tbh I think he probably thought you wouldn't find out that she was here until he'd made his 'final' decision which of you he wanted.

He really is an appalling little man, which is so devastating given that you once thought the world of him.

Hi tom.

You give him way to much thought time!
At the back of your mind you still want to see the best in him to prove to yourself the same man you loved and married is there.
Every single time he let's you down again and again. You've got to let him go. You've got to stop thinking about the man you thought he was and the future you thought you had.
Don't write that tramp a letter, don't waste your time or energy on her. She will never give a shit about how you feel. It won't do you any good.
You do need to detach from him for your own sanity and peace of mind.
You are a very good, kind person, but you are also a very strong person. Put all your focus and energy into your self and your dd.
I have to say he is one of the most deceitful persons I have come across on this site. He pretends it's all about repairing the damage with you and dd and all the time he knew the ow was coming to live in London. He still thinks he can have it all.
Stop letting his actions upset you. You need to detach from him asuch as possible

I'm so sorry, Tom. The only thing I can say is that your compassion shines through. In his awful split between words and actions he has been horrifically consistent in his personal inconsistency. I think actions are the only thing to trust, not words, especially with someone like this. What he says, begs, talks about, these are meaningless. He seems so intent on preserving his version of himself that no one else's reality can impinge.

My guess is that, like many cheaters, he has simply been balancing both possibilities and passively waiting for whoever fights most for him to 'win'. I'm afraid there is no 'win.' We see it all the time here, wives returning to post who have stayed with an unfaithful partner who they have 'fought for' (the pick me dance) or trusted again even, men who never really returned and understood what was necessary to rebuild their marriage because they could not accept themselves as in need of real, wholesale change and accept the pain they have caused.

He cannot let go of his view of himself as a prize. And he knows that the easiest life for him, and the one that rewards his appearance of himself as a family man, would be to get back with you. But he was prepared to do no real reality work or actions to do that. He would have expected you to. Without this huge shift (and it comes in actions not words), he was always going to just end up where he felt the most loved and affection. That is OW simply because he has not yet betrayed her (that she knows of) so he gets to be shiny in her eyes. He will have been stringing along both of you, but waiting for someone to win him. This is how some people keep themselves from feeling responsible for any loss. It is shamefully cowardly and half-hearted. It is rarely fully conscious and this is why it is so easy to be taken in by (as George Costanza said, 'it's not a lie if YOU believe it'!)

Since the beginning of this his words have not matched his actions at all. From the witholding of the mobile phone all the way through to claming it was over with OW over and over. He has consistently lied and withheld truth from you. The sounds from his mouth, I'm afraid, are irrelevant and I do not believe he is capable of change, only of changing what he says. He would probably have come back if you had asked him. And he would have made your life a repeated hell of lies and appearance driven narcissism until you again broke down and discovered something, after your confidence and faith being knocked diabolically. At least you have your heart, ego and social life intact. You've had a lucky escape in many ways. In his mind he is allowed to be the victim of you not wanting him back, and has been playing her along on the side, hedging. It's no way to be as a person in the world.

I know other wiser people will say that OW is not worth your time, and she isn't, I'm a big advocate for detaching to a point of not caring. My concern is him and his constant under-appreciation for you and your attributes. You are clearly a very bright, kind, funny woman here and yet he has throughout treated you like you were born yesterday. For my part, when I think about you getting in touch with OW, I am only doing it because I think it is the LAST thing he expects of you. Truthfully, it makes me rather angry how completely he has always expected your obedience and respect for his 'truths' and how tightly he has wound his own life around him without including you. I think he thinks of you as smaller, in some way, as no real threat or challenge to his intelligence and goings on. I think he expects you to stay in your box. And he uses charm and emotional manipulation to achieve that. And also the carrot (i his mind) of your relationship with him. I think you may need to break that, for yourself and for him, and finally get him to understand that you are not an accessory to his life, to be toyed with as he likes, that you exist. That you fucking exist.

All love.

Agree with blood.

From your very first posts it was clear he was not worthy of you. And yet he thinks he is the big I-am!

I'm glad you are not with him because he never respected you- he never even knew you at all.

Re. The Italian- meh, she's just another pawn in his game - I would however delight in whispering to her 'he's been asking me back all this time- thank goodness you took him off my hands"

Thanks all. I know I need to focus on myself again. I just need him out of my life once and for all.

The reason I would get in touch with the italian bitch is to piss him off so utterly and completely that he never darkens my doorstep again.

I've started telling various people (actually telling the gossips) about what had happened so that his reputation is getting shot to pieces with those who have mattered to him.

Spot on Blood. Its as though he stomped off in a huff when you didn't plead to have him back. In his mind he was worth fighting for (albeit a small mind... )

He has foolishly always thought he was a step ahead and could stick his fingers in his ears to avoid hearing anything remotely negative. After all, he is successful, attractive, irresistible... oh, and deluded.

Deluded is the one he will realise when the papers arrive from your solicitor. That's going to be the deal breaker for him. He hasn't sanctioned that part of the story.

Tom, I have no fears for you. I respect that this is incredibly difficult and hurtful and in instructing your lawyer it is a realisation that it is over. You have indeed done everything to keep the door open, to remain dignified and what is he doing? Laughing behind your back. Be kind to yourself and let the professionals deal with him. Your time for negotiating with him is over. In summary: he's an arse

Thats being kind to arses isn't it?

I have thought this evening that he must have been laughing at me throughout. Thinking I was so stupid not to figure the truth out.

He did actually once say that I was making it very difficult for him to pick me.

Haha! you have a point!

The description of the moment (Teenage DD) seems to be: he's a douche

I think the thing thats the most hurtful is that he never ever actually finished with her, he kept telling you differently., but he never stopped having the affair.
He is really disgusting

Yes I think thats right. And like an idiot I believed him.

What confuses me though is that I had finished it. Why keep begging me to have him back if he was still with her? Thats been the complete headfuck.

Ugh. 'You are making if very difficult to pick you'. Ugh ugh ugh. Such a lucky escape. Such an awful awful mindset. Someone who believes other people are options.

I did go ballistic and that was one of the times I ended it before he reeled me back in.

I imagine he still wanted you as an option, and don't get me wrong, you may well have been the preferred option. (Also he needs the narrative of being the victim, the one who has tried everything but you have rejected him. The romantic hero. He needs to tell himself and others that.) His ideal is both of you wanting him (and maybe more) his nightmare is no one wanting him. He was never going to stop hedging with her because he wasn't going to end up alone. Even if you had taken him back, he likely would have continued contact with her, in case it didn't work out. This happens a lot.

He just wanted to prove to himself that he could have you back if he wanted to. His ego is such that he couldn't cope with you rejecting him under any circumstances. And you have proved to him that you can reject him. Well done.
You WILL be much happier without him in the long run.

All power to you.

I have just instructed my solicitor to start the divorce process and she is issuing the paperwork to him. I can still do it on the grounds of his adultery because I had never allowed him back to the family home. He is going to be furious.

I keep composing a letter in my head to ow. It might help my sanity if I get it down on paper, even if I decide not to send it. If I do send it I think I will hear the explosion from miles away. It could be fun!!