Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

Blood you are so astute.

I have been thinking about his internal strength. I don't know what the label is, and I've only thought about it in a work context, but there are those people who are seasoned, senior, you go to them for advice or a decision, and they are absolutely consistent. So you would get the same decision with the same facts regardless. Its safe, you know where you stand. And there are others who make a decision according to their whims, and you almost have to treble check because their decision will have been baaed on something else entirely rather than their own code of morals and reasoning and whatever else makes someone be consistent.

I feel like his flipping back and forth is in the latter camp. He is flying in the wind rather than rooted in the ground. I need to extricate myself from his dramas for a long time, if only to start enjoying myself again.

So divorce and financial settlement or prenup and space for a long time is, I think, the only way I can be ok.

Post nup even.

I've been thinking about what I want for the next few months, and actually all I want is to think about something else. I want to read my book club book, do my yoga, pay attention to my lovely dd and think about work. I have had enough of this craziness.

I realised yesterday that every time all the craziness starts up again I end up losing days and days to making sense of it all.

Just in on my broomstick to say hello to everyone and wish you all well.

Im away on my holiday tonight - seattle, an alaskan cruise, vancouver, and I didnt want to go without saying cheerio for a few weeks.

xxxxxx

Wow. Sounds amazing - truly incredible. Hope you have an amazing time.

I'm still ticking along, but am utterly shattered. I hadn't appreciated how much I have to learn with the new job - and I feel like I have to prove myself for the next few months before I can relax. So I am being gentle to myself and taking it a day at a time. Dd and I are settling into our new routine but both of us struggling with tiredness. I have been seeing friends and making a couple of new ones.

Today has been my day off and we have spent it doing cozy inside things and the cat has been very well loved too.

I'm aiming for Christmas. I'm looking into yoga retreats somewhere warm and I'm going ti find a few days beforehand to rest, stretch and recuperate.

Hi tom

How are you doing? X

Thank you for asking! Hope all is well in your world xx

Good days and bad. Yesterday was good, today bad. Its an important date tomorrow so I've had a little sob about it in but its my first down day for a little while.

I'm finally ready to start the divorce process. Finances are a bit more stable now I have had a couple of pay checks and discussions so far have been more amicable than I had anticipated.

We have got our little routine going, and dd is very happy at nursery which is great. She has come out of her shell in recent weeks and I've just started her at ballet which is her most favourite thing in the world. She seems to be really blossoming at the moment and we have a lot more fun on our precious days together.

Yoga has been my sanctuary. I feel physically stronger and mentally more centred, and I am starting to feel the benefits of learning a new skill too. I did a pose successfully today for the first time which was a little victory. I honestly think yoga should be compulsory for anyone going through a tough time.

Work is ok - it feels like early days still but I have a big project which I am getting my teeth into and which is a good distraction.

He has changed beyond recognition in recent weeks. Back to the man I recognise from when we first met, but I now know his recklessness and impatience in particular will never make him a reliable partner when things get tough. I haven't closed the door completely but I am a lot more accepting that we don't have a future together, and not because he doesn't want it (he would come back in a flash if I asked) but because of me.

I haven't posted because I didn't really feel I had anything to post about. I've been struggling with how ambivalent I have felt, but I feel a bit more clear now.

Ah good, you seem a lot calmer and more pragmatic

I'm glad dd is happier, she has coped so well xx

Hi Tom

Saw you posting on binders thread and wanted to check in to see how you are doing?

Hope all is well.

Hi there, as above, I hope you are Ok.

Hello lovelies

Yes - I'm ok thanks. Still up and down but I guess thats to be expected. Work has been a bit of a baptism of fire but settling down I think. Its taken up headspace which is good.

Dd is her happy little soul and we love our days off together - she is becoming more confident and its lovely to see her blossoming. She has just started ballet which is her most favourite thing in the whole world.

I am finding it tough to do the whole routine day in day out - I'm in awe if those who do it with more than 1. But its very doable.

My book club has taken off. We have meeting 3 coming up. So far it has provided everything I wanted. Yoga is still my sanctuary.

Him. Hmm. He wants to return, has finished for good with ow. I am not having him back unless I feel love for him and I just don't any more. I keep wondering if its possible to rekindle the love but I am slowly coming to the conclusion it isn't. He isn't taking up my head as much any longer.

Finally I have a very rich life with my family, friends and dd. I have had so much incredible support and I am trying my best to start paying it forward in little ways.

Xx

How lovely to hear from you, tom. I am sending you love.

He wants to return, has finished for good with ow

Not again, he's like a broken record. How many times is it now?

Anyway, glad to hear you're surviving Tom, you sound really strong.

Not again, he's like a broken record. How many times is it now?

That was exactly my response.

Nice to hear you sounding more settled and positive, tom :)

Probably about 50 million

The record seems to have got stuck where it is (for now).

Am currently desperately trying to recover from a hangover so I'm able to face hot yoga later this morning. Why do I never learn that the last glass of wine is always a bad idea?!

So I have some news.

I didn't think I was able to still reel but clearly I am still shockable. I was doing a bit of inquisitive googling last night to see what the Italian bitch was up to. Quite a lot it seems... She has moved herself to London and has found a job in the same building as him. If this wasn't my life I would think the drama just hilarious for the sheer unbelievability and bonkersness.

I asked him when he was going to tell me, and I don't think he had intended to. He must think I am the most stupid person going for not clocking at some point I would make the discovery. I also think her behaviour is bordering on stalking but he has been complicit in what she has done and never told me so it stayed a secret. I have no intention of getting involved in the drama of the situation but it's just weird.

Needless to say the first thing I did this morning was to instruct my solicitor (although she doesn't seem to work at the weekend, strangely) and I have told various people I had been holding off telling. There is no going back now. I've been such an idiot thinking we could salvage a friendship and possibly rebuild out of all this. I had been dithering and dithering over the decision and thinking it would all become clear in time. Crystal clear now.

I'm seeing friends in a bit. I've been a mess all day. I have a dd free weekend so at least I can fall apart safely before getting up and carrying on.

Thank fuck I have everything in place now, I just have to come face to face with the fact I won't have any more children, and that somehow I'm going to have to share dd with that mad Italian bitch.

Not taking him back, while completely your decision, is definitely the right course of action from where I'm standing. I really, really doubt his 'relationship' with her will last, although I doubt that's much consolation at this point in time. You are worth so much more

The only reason is because he'll be lonely. I've had so much support from people, including his friends and family, whilst his support seems to have drifted away.

Hi tom, blimey that is so shocking and also not surprising at all somehow! I think you're right, he always seemed to be someone who could not BEAR losing anything and has lost a lot through his hedging, lying and cheating. He will have clung on to her, I suspect, simply through not being able to be alone or feel any loss of love. I'm afraid it was inevitable judging from all his past behaviour that he would lie and keep this from you. In a way his absolute consistency makes it easier, doesn't it. Every time you think he's changed absolutely and then every time he shows you exactly who he really is under the carefully charming veneer. Every time. The pattern repeats itself. She will probably have been spun a very different story.

No matter. It's great you have such good support networks and your goodness radiates from the page/screen!

All best, here for you if you need us.

Thank you, lovely.

Do you know what, I nearly wrote a wtf how do I deal with this post last night, but decided I didn't need any more handholding to take some decisive action and start burning various bridges.

I feel ridiculously emotional and am going to be in floods a bit later but having gone through this now several times I recognise the emotions and know it will all pass.

Of course you do. But as you say, unfortunately, you are used to being so disappointed by him. And yes, it will pass. Thoughts with you.

OP

Just caught up with your thread. to you. Sorry you've had to find out this way.
It sounds like such a roller coaster. You will get through it.

I cannot do rollercoaster any longer. I'm tired of it. Its completely callous the way he had carried on withholding the information but knowing I would eventually find out (because I would have done - its publicly out there).

He really must think I was born yesterday.

I'm annoyed I got suckered in this last time and didn't just dispatch him in August when I was ready to.

I also feel like I'm stuck in groundhog day repeating what I said months and months ago.

Don't be so tough on yourself OP

You trusted someone you loved. You had faith that that person you made a commitment to was somewhere in there still. Trusting someone and having faith is nothing to be ashamed of.

He is the one who should be ashamed of his actions.

But now you know his real modus operandi, focus on moving forward. Emotionally distance yourself from him. Put any walls up that you need to at this stage to protect yourself.

I promise you the roller coaster will get easier. OP.

I need to work really hard on those walls. He knows my routines and me weak spots. He's had me running around sorting stuff for her when she's been a bit poorly in his care. He seems to have a 6th sense for finding me at the bus stop when I'm on my way to work and can't easily escape. He pops in when he has dd to just get her scooter or bike.

I've told him to keep the fuck away but he knows how to get to me.

I can't change my routines - they are set by work and nursery hours and there is no wriggle room. And if dd is sick I can't see myself not being there for her. Hence they are weak spots.

I'm hoping the legals will get to him sufficiently. I've also set all of the jungle drums going which will also get him thoroughly riled. Other than that I don't know what to do.

Tom,

This is it. This is the moment you made your plans for and hoped would never come... but knew it would.

Your innate goodness hung on for something to be different, but far from you being the predictable one - he is!

Consider my hand stretched out to hold yours through the next bit, together with everyone else here. Not that you need it. You will find that now you are no longer covering for him, the support from others will overwhelm you and your life will begin again.

It won't be easy but by God it will be better. x