Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

Tom, its Weebirdie here but god knows how Im now managing to post as Mabroon. Something has gone wrong with my username and the site now insists I post as Ma Broon

Anyway this is just to let you know Im giving up the ghost on posting till the site issues are sorted out because even as a technical dinosaur I can see there is something seriously amiss. I disagreed with someone on a thread and the next thing I know Im a goner!!!!! So whilst MN are saying the problem is caused by xyz I believe other things are going on and there's a Trojans Horse amongst the members - and if you piss them off you're a goner!

So whilst I'll still be reading your updates I wont be replying - but I will be thinking of you and your wee girl every day. Oh and don't fret too much about the tantrums - how many times have you heard people saying god almighty just as we were almost on our way out the door all hell broke loose.

xxxxxx

Very strange Mabroon - hope it all get sorted

Right its me. Im back but as you can see with a different username.

What a palaver!

Tom are you ok?

Whose who?? I am totally lost

Christina - its me, weenbirdie

Ah right, the whole hacking thing has been too much for me

Am here still and ok. Have been feeling really flat for a couple of days. I think all the adrenaline of trying to hold things together has gone and I need to crash. However I have had dd today and she's been really hard work - super constipated but her system is now cleared thankfully. We went to a party this afternoon and I just felt a bit lost amongst all the happy families, although I have made a new friend whose little girl is at the same nursery and whose dh works weekends (I need more people around at weekends).

He is happy as larry at a stag do today. He's due to have her all day tomorrow but has now said he won't pick her up until midday. So a weekend which is supposed to be half and half and me needing down time is actually mostly me looking after dd again. Its all being logged.

If I get through all of this it will be a miracle. Its the hardest and loneliest thing I have ever done.

I'm going to have to remember your new name weebirdie!

It must be hard and lonely and yes the weekends can be the worst, remember though with all the " happy families" you never really know what is going on behind closed doors. I remember when Dh worked away I ended up making friends with a single mum and a mum whose husband was in the navy, it really helped as we would always have something planned for a sat or a Sunday, it takes times, but you will develop your own life

Ah, see his commitment is waning already, so much for father of the year

Couldn't reply last night as I was in a state of nervous exhaustion after being at Loch Lomond for the day with ds and his wee friend.....tree top climbing, canoeing, obstacle course, picnic...let's just say a large vino was consumed last night!

Your doing well Tom, there will be downs but you are getting there xx

Ah, see his commitment is waning already, so much for father of the year

Spot on!

Tom, I sometimes feel a bit lost on my holidays when Im sitting at dinner with middle aged couples who are doing a big trip just because they can. I also still feel a bit lost on the equivalent of our Sunday which was a day I didn't like even when I was a wee girl. So next month when Im away to Alaska Ive chosen a cruise line that doesn't really go in for formal dining, you just pitch up and sit where you want at every meal times, in order to make it a bit easier for me on days when Im struggling a tad.

And as for 'our Sunday' which is Friday, well my lot all work shifts and its hard for us to get weekends together, even my pal is a Dr so she's not around much either at the weekend, so now I just treat that day like another. I don't say things like ah well Im not doing that today because its the weekend so for eg if my wardrobe needs tidied/drawers need going through, it gets tidied, but I make a nice experience out of it by having music on, a tray in my room with nice things to eat, and quite often I have a couple of Gin and Tonics as well. It fits in with our family really well because it could be that the one day in the week we can all get together is a Wednesday afternoon so what would be looked upon as a school day becomes the day that particular week they all come to mums once the kids are home from school at 3. We have a nice time even if it means the wee ones are doing homework and having their bath here before they go home to bed. So for me and the family its really helped all round by not making the actual 'weekend' the days only certain things can be done. Would looking on it like that help you?

Your wee ones constipation - I was just talking to a friend about this and made her laugh when I said it can make a person really cranky because of the toxins inside the body. Its something I believe as daft as it may sound so here's hoping she's more comfortable now and the days are better for both of you.

Ive kind of made a friend this last few weeks. Someone Ive know for years but just to wave at etc. Anyway we've always said 'Oh we must meet up' and lo and behold this time she took me at my word and phoned me. So Im going to her house for dinner tonight, she's never married, and whilst I was all excited for the first few hours Im not feeling really blasé about going. I think Im just set in my ways and like my house and my comforts too much but my other friend and the children have given me a flea in my ear because this lady would like to travel but she doesn't have anyone to go with - so you see how it would work for both of us. She also like the Opera etc as I do so it would work that way as well not that it bothers me going alone if its something no one else wants to see. I really need my backside kicked. I can be so anti social at times but truth be told Im happy doing school runs and having my grandchildren for the weekend even it means that I have to take Brufen so I can move on the night they go home! Wine just doesn't work the older you get!

I always love your family tales both of you. One of my friends husbands quite often works weekends so we have been hanging out together and my new friend from yesterday could also be a good weekend pal.

I've been really tearful this morning too. I think seeing everyone yesterday in their happy family units with babies and pregnancies galore has brought home just what I've lost. Its not just him, and the loss of the person I thought he was but also being part of a team. Yesterday was tough because dd was feeling so awful. She's a different child today but its like I have a hangover from dealing with her yesterday.

Its also V festival weekend. We went last year and it was really magical. He started the affair a couple of weeks later. What is hurting right now is that I knew we were happy then. We weren't broken. We were full of plans for the future and I had no inkling this was on the horizon.

He texted last night and asked how dd was. I said it had been a tough day and I was struggling and he should be ashamed of himself. He called back and we ended up arguing again. He said he feels guilty every day and every day wishes he could reverse what he did.

I know I need to hold firm but right now its the closest I have come to seeing whether we can sort it all out. Living like this is tough and relentless and I can't see it getting easier.

Wee

Go for it, it's nice having some friends that aren't in a couple

Ah tom, all the energy has worn off now and the reality of daily life is kicking in. No one can tell you what to do, mrs, but I will say that no matter what, things will never be like the memories from the v festival. That man doesn't exist, he has let you down so completely and utterly that I think, even if you were with him, you will never get over it

It's the dream that you are grieving for, the life you had planned, the man that you thought he was, and it is painful tom and draining, only time will ease that for you.

He had chances Tom, he had opportunities to make this better, he chose not to, instead he kept lying to you, blaming you, seeing the other woman and now putting himself before his daughter. He has shown you that he is not a man that you can build dreams and a life with

I'm sorry lovely, I know it is hard xx

Tom it will get easier. Your wee girl will soon be over the terrible twos and threes and you'll come out the other side in one piece.

And I'm sorry you've been crying but please remember that if you were to go back now you would be going back for l the wrong reasons. You would be going back because you'd been defeated and that is no reason at all for a life with anyone let alone someone who isn't the person at the V Festival.

And yes, I believe you were happy and not broken but all the more reason for your husband to have not had an affair - he's an opportunist and in many ways that's the worst kind of cheat.

I'm really sorry and if it helps - I would be having a pj day today and letting the house and routine go right over my head.

Xxxx

You both are so kind. We've been at the park for a couple of hours now and a good hour and a half of that has been in the sandpit. I've also just sobbed over a friend of a friend who was at the party yesterday who made an appearance.

Once he comes to collect her I can have a quiet afternoon and I have yoga booked for later.

I know its not the right thing to take him back but its hard not to think about all the what ifs.

Oh Tom it is so hard. I remember after my h left me and our 3 children (and he left the country and has never been back) that the weekends were hell. Your post about seeing all the "happy families" has brought it all back, the despair, the loneliness, the grief of the loss of the family unit and your future as a family, for that is what this is that you are experiencing, grief for the loss of your family, your future (as you saw it with him). It is a death of sorts and you have to grieve it.
As hard as it is for you, it is not a reason to get back with him. Remember, nothing has changed except you are struggling a bit more at the moment, which will pass. He will never be the person you want and deserve him to be. You know you are doing the right thing and it is normal to doubt and wonder and want to glue it all back together but you are strong, you have family support and you will come out the other side stronger.

So another week has gone and I've got myself stable again. My good news for the week is that I have nursery sorted out which has been bothering me - mum was going to come down to cover the day I didn't have sorted but now doesn't have to, so has been relegated to stand by duty if dd gets poorly.

Its pretty much a year now since he started the affair. I've got rid of all the anger for now and I'm just left feeling a bit lost.

I know I need to give myself a bit of time and things will get better but I don't quite know how I get myself to the point where I stop feeling so hollow.

Shl is back from her holiday but I'm nowhere feeling strong enough to start proceedings right now. I have another 7 weeks in which to start proceedings for adultery so the clock is definitely ticking. I'm feeling that pressure too.

I'm glad you have nursery sorted, that will help enormously

Have you heard from him?

You don't seem able to take that final step, have you been able to identify why that is?

Funnily enough just after I posted he sent me a text saying how ashamed of himself he is and how much he misses me.

I always thought I would take the final step once I had work sorted and when the solicitor was back. Being so upset last weekend has completely thrown me, and I'm feeling very drained. His dad is in the midst of tests - its possible he could be very poorly. I will find out more when dd and I go visiting his parents in a couple of days.

There's a huge part of me hoping he has come to his senses and will realise how precious life is and what is really important.

I don't feel ready. I don't feel strong enough. I miss him. I'm plodding on but its a struggle.

What you're really saying is though that you're hoping he might change his personality.

With some cheats you get a sense that their personality is generally sound but for a really bad choice with devastating consequences. Those types are generally humble and penitent and will do anything to put things back together. (Whether that's possible is another matter).

But with your husband, it's not just his choices but his whole personality at fault. He's not that nice a person. I'm sure he can be charming, but he's selfish, entitled, arrogant, narcissistic, duplicitous and unfortunately now totally untrustworthy.

He's obviously going through stress over his dad, and misses a shoulder to cry on. It's still all about him. I think he's going through one of his periodic swings - sometimes they're towards you, sometimes towards OW.

He doesn't seem to have missed DD enough to prioritise his time with her over recovering from a stag do.

That rather reminded me of his behaviour while you were pregnant.
What if you had been counting on his taking her at the time originally agreed and had booked something for that time?

If he were to 'realise' what was 'precious' and 'important' in his life, it would inevitably be himself.

He doesn't show any signs of having developed a sense of responsibilty to other people, or an awareness of that their needs might not fit in with his own.

Its useful to think of it as a 'swing'. Thank you.

What. A. Head. Fuck.

You can file for adultery more than six months after the affair started / he left. I did this successfully. It was around 9 months to a year after he left. The six month rule is not about actually filing within six months. Can you check this with the SHL? That would take that pressure off you.

Tom, if you were facing an operation you'd be having doubts because of the what if etc so this really is all very normal though thats not to say you shouldn't be thinking or feeling how you are.

Re your husbands call - I suspect that he is as very much aware that you have 7 weeks left to divorce him for adultery and I don't for a minute think he's relishing it given what it could do to his public image - you know the one, the one he has made people think is the real him.

And whilst Im hoping his dad is Ok - how fortunate for your husband that he now has something else to whittle away at you with.

xxxxx

I think the important thing is to work out what you truly are feeling and about what. As an outsider, it feels like you are justifiably struggling emotionally and physically under the organisational and practical reality of a new parenting model, along with being single in the first time in years. This is very difficult and different from realising and believing that someone has changed and you want to spend the rest of your life with them.

don't forget that there is a practical hardship to taking someone back who lies and cheats so. The tension and anxiety of doubt, of suspicion. The sadness and anger that flares up all the time, impacting parenting, evenings, weekends, phone calls. The loneliness in a different way of feeling you 'gave up' or 'made do' as you stare at them trying to remember how you felt about them before. The lost opportunities of other lovers because you wanted to 'keep the family together' for someone who values it less.

There are practical and emotional pains in all directions, sadly. It's no surprise you feel lost and a bit broken. You have been a bit broken by someone and it's a long journey. thinking of you. x

Thank you all. If I could take the pressure off having to file in the next few weeks I think that would help. Its like I've got myself some space for a little while to get the practical stuff sorted - the job, nursery etc. I just know once I start the legal process there will end up being a huge ton of animosity and I need to build myself up again.

I don't know what I'm feeling about anything right now.

I've just done a dd handover with him. He was much calmer and it felt less forced than before. He has FINALLY said he won't give dd croissants again. He has also told a couple more people we have split up and the reasons why.

It's a huge change to your life and one that you didn't choose. I can understand the longing just to go back to the way life used to be, at the moment it must feel like every day is a battle and I imagine you must be emotionally, physically and mentally drained

Your grieving, and that process will take it's time, it's so hard because deep down you know that it can't ever go back to the way it was. Even if you decided to give it another go, the relationship and the people in it have changed irrevocably.

I'm sorry Tom, I really am, you have always came across as a very lovely person and youndontbdeserve this. In real life I would give you a hug and tell you, come on hen, let it all out xxxxx

Hi Tom,

I've changed names but have been posting on and off from the jingley jungle .

The text he sent you was disingenuous. He is sorry and he misses you. But presumably he's still seeing or is on contact with the Italian Job? So he's not really sorry is he. And is he missing you because he has a quiet moment between holidays or social engagements? Is he trying for more time with his DD? Not really.

His actions do not match his words. Whenever you start to doubt yourself think do the words match the actions? Behaviour is the best indicator of sincerity (or not).

Of course you are feeling wobbly. It's now getting very real which is scary. This is a big big change. But it's a change towards getting back your peace of mind and living an authentic life. I know that's a bit Oprah esq but it is true. It's a life where there are no skeletons in the cupboard waiting to jump out or that knot in the pit of your stomach when his phone beeps in the middle of the night wondering if it's her or some other woman. It's the place you deserve to be.

The medical issues with his dad are another form of manipulation. There's no reason why you can't communicate directly with your Mil to find out what's happening and offer her support. He doesn't deserve your support. Think of the pain he inflicted on you, now think of what he is asking of you if he tries to lean on you emotionally. Where was he when you were rock bottom? He has his family for support. This is just another tactic to hoover you back in and he knows it will work because you are a decent human being.

You don't have to stop bring a decent human being just be a wise one as well.

Chin up girl, you'll get there in the end