Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

He is so dismissive of what he has done to you. All that I love you and want to try has been swept up and shoved in the bin quicker than you can blink.

It makes you look back and doubt everything that ever happened.

You are amazing not to have wanted to just break his nose by now.

Keep going and doing what is best for you and your DD.

Unfortunately Tom, that unsettled feeling is something you will experience a lot now the legalities are about to start. Once the gloves are off, the lawyers really up the ante, and every little thing seems to require fighting over. Your lawyer sounds excellent, and you've said that you also have support from a knowledgeable friend. Listen to and be guided by them, and keep all contact with him to a minimum. I feel that you are already expecting him to behave badly, so that will help. Just make sure you stay those few steps ahead at all times.

Thank you both.

It has shown me I can't have a conversation with him about long term financials with just the two of us, so yes I'm going to have to use the solicitor and her advice. I've introduced the idea of a mediator and when he gets the divorce paperwork he gets to choose which one we go with (my solicitor has recommended a few).

It has just knocked me - this "moving on" because its been a big enough battle stabilising my emotions, finding a job, settling into a new routine, take in so much information with my new job. Oh and looking after a 2 year old mostly on my own. I'm proud of how far I have come. But it still feels like surviving.

No way am I thinking about meeting someone new, settling down, creating a new home and possibly a new family with then. Which is what "moving on" is for him.

There are all sorts of nasty things I would like to do to him. Breaking his nose is one of them. But its already driving him crazy me proving I don't need him in my life thank you very much.

Tom, I wish I could tell you about the wrath those very words have caused my husband these last 10 days but I cant so suffice to say - I think he must now regret ever learning the phrase.

And why cant I tell you? Well its because I was in the UK when my husband stupidly used the phrase and such was my children's disgust that my husband was quite literally run out of town after years of pent up emotion was let loose and my children had their say.

There was no place for him to run, and no place to hide. My children got him in a room and opened the flood gates. They outsmarted him and showed him that keeping quiet because their father would only ever meet them in a public place, or in a house where grandchildren were, didn't mean they were ok with a situation - It just meant they'd been very effectively gagged.

Well not anymore, and as much as it pains me to say it, my children have now disowned their father - and all because of those few bloody words being the final straw!

My kids have been through hell on earth this last week, and Ive had a fecking awful few days as their mum, and as someone who's learned things that its better I know but I wish I didn't. You cant make an omelette without breaking eggs and for sure you cant get over this malarky without meeting reality head on and dealing with it. You need to know it everything so you well understand what you are trying to get over - thats our breaking the eggs for the omelette.

Moving on - two very small words with the power to destroy.

Tom

I think this recent behaviour shows that he is further along in the process than you think. He's obviously started thinking about finances and his future so this is where it is going to get nasty, do not get involved in any further discussions with him

Wee

I'm sorry it sounds as if you have been through a horrendous time x

This is all so difficult.

Its like a permanent noise knowing its going to get horrible at some point. Unless I roll over and forfeit our future stability its going to get really messy. Unfortunately I have a fully formed and fortified backbone.

So I have one more week and then I start the legal process, and then it starts getting hard. Its the fact he knows what buttons to press which makes me scared. What manipulations are coming my way next?

I've just realised the irony. Weebirdie your family is in turmoil (and I'm so sorry) because of the phrase "moving on", I've spent the last 36 hours its been bugging me, and yet thats the phrase I used in my thread title.

Tom, I haven't been able to catch up with you for a while.

Good news about your job and I take my hat off to you as a Mum. Your love for your DD shines through everything you do and I admire your selflessness in giving her security and care through these last few months.

Your DM will be working through her own anger and hurt and once the legal wheels start turning and there is light at the end of the tunnel, she will get back into her groove and focus on tomorrow rather than yesterday.

I'm with everyone else who says let your lawyer take the stress out of this. Not the personal stress, but the negotiating, dealing with his tantrums, dealing with his lies. All those things which will bring you down. Yes, it will be tough but every penny spent on a SHL is money well spent.

He wants to move on? My God, he really takes the biscuit, doesn't he! He checked out long ago without much thought, but his guilt is all-consuming so he takes the coward's way out and blames you... that's all going to change when he gets the letter and realises that he's naïve beyond belief.
And at that stage, he can't touch you.

The fact that you know they are manipulations is a good start. I don't think it will be easy and I am glad that you have support

Just keep remembering how far you have come and what you are capable of and do not engage

How was work? Has dd settled into the change in routine? X

The 'moving on' in your thread title and his 'moving on' are entirely different. You HAD to move on, he made that choice. That's why his comments are so damaging.

Ok that all makes sense. I need to start building up to it from now. Once he realises I've taken control he's going to start getting angry.

Work is early days but potentially good.

Dd is tantrumming a lot before and after nursery. Our big battle is clothes and she's refusing to wear anything except one particular dress. She's also upset most days when I drop her off which is unusual.

I've just done a massive online order for autumn clothes and she has picked out the things she liked with the rest going back. We are off to mothercare in a couple of days to choose some new nursery clothes. Clothes for the next day will be chosen the night before. I have no idea what else to do.

I have told nursery what is going on at home and they're looking out for her. I'm sure in a couple of weeks she will have changed again. Its draining but I keep thinking its just a phase.

X-post never. Yes my moving on is literally surviving in the face of lies and cheating and manipulations.

The 'moving on' in your thread title and his 'moving on' are entirely different. You HAD to move on, he made that choice. That's why his comments are so damaging.

Absolutely!!!!!!

Tom, dont even go there with those thoughts about your thread title. Crikey I even say 'moving on' but its kind of different when 'we' say it.

Tom, what is it about your wee girls favourite dress that she likes? Is it anything specific? The colour, the fabric? Or is it just a 'comfort thing' for her? Like a silkie or teddy?

And Ive forgotten how old she is but my grandson who's 22 months is going through terrible separation anxiety right now even to the extent that my DIL cant go to the toilet without him?

Could it be something like this?

Tom-with your dd tantrums re the clothes. You could try offering two outfits (both suitable so it matters not to you) and say "which one would you like to wear dd". She will think she is making the decision and it might help.

I think a lot of it with dd is tiredness and having to adjust to a lot of change. She's been at nursery since Jan and is always happy when I collect her so I don't think she's struggling.

Her favourite dress is cotton, pretty and good for twirling. I'm trying to give her choice over clothes but I don't know what else I can do! She's going to be head to toe pink and flowery things for the next 6 months.

She's 3 in November.

AmI - I do that, it doesn't work unfortunately. It isn't just me either, she does it with my mum and she did it with him and his sister over the weekend too.

Tom don't underestimate the mental and emotional effort involved in starting a new job even if your domestic life was untroubled. You are dealing with new job, fall out from separation and parenting a small child- that is three mountains to climb every day. You are doing brilliantly.

I wouldn't even begin to stress about your DDs clothes. Just let her wear what she wants. My DD wore a tinker bell costume to nursery for about 3 weeks running. A cowboy hat constantly for about another 4 weeks. She's finding her independence don't worry about it. You've bigger fish to fry...

Much as I would love to let her wear what she wants she only wants to wear one dress. One. I cannot wash it every single evening. No other item of clothing is ever suitable. So tomorrow we go and choose some clothes for nursery which she had better wear.

Other news is that we sat and agreed contact for the next few weeks on saturday and he has just been in touch asking to change days. I have said no - I genuinely have plans.

You're doing fabulously.
Re the dress- why not let her wear it two days in a row? You don't have to wash it after every wear, surely? ( and it may lose its allure that way!)

Autumn/Winter style for toddlers in the Tom household is a riot of patterned pink. Self expression through clothes is to be encouraged, as long as it is pink. Everything goes with everything because its all pink. Theres a fair bit of sparkle too.

If this doesn't work and get us through the mornings of the next few weeks until we are properly in a new routine I think I will just sit and quietly weep.

Oh Tom I remember that age well, DS' favourite word was no! It's a constant battle of wills, even more difficult with what you are facing just now

Try not to worry too much, I bet as soon as you are gone, she is as happy as Larry at nursery

So he can't even stick to the arrangements re dd? Make sure all contact is through email and keep everything x

She is definitely getting easier as she gets more able to tell me what she wants. But its when we're in a rush and she has a tantrum my stress levels go through the roof and I need to change all of that, hence the new pink clothes.

I've got a calendar which I am religiously using to keep track of his contact with dd. It shows precisely how much he is bothered to see her.