Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

Dd and I have arrived with my folks for a few days and over dinner we have made a plan.

I'm going to talk to the solicitor on tuesday to talk through timings and options. I don't want to be pushed into an arbitrary timescale when I'm not ready.

I am going to visit my in-laws in a couple of days with dd, and will do whatever I can to support them.

I am also going to get in touch with the counsellor we were seeing before - for me though. I feel completely vulnerable right now and not able to make good decisions. If his dad is very sick there will be a huge new complication. I need to talk to someone impartial I think to help clear my head.

I'm quite devastated that its only taken a couple of texts for him to get into my head again. I wouldn't be surprised if his relationship with the Italian Job is on the rocks yet again and he's focussing his efforts back on me.

His actions have not been supportive at all to date. I haven't asked for help from him though, partly because I don't want to jeopardise any future claims to not being her sole carer.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom yesterday. I'm feeling much more balanced again this morning. I don't think I had ever thought as much as anything that the emotional side would be so hard.

So I'm KOKO for now.

He was your husband, the man you thought you were building a life with, it's okay to feel pain and confusion, it would be unnatural not too

The only advice I can give you is to take it one day at a time, of course you want resolution, but sometimes things can only happen when you are ready for them. Focus on getting through each day and finding happiness in that day, it will soon become a pattern xx

Glad to hear you're feeling better. It is terrifying when something so small can make the ground fall out from under us isn't it? I know what you mean about texts.

It makes me think of years ago, when I left a boyfriend, I was young and stupid, and though I loved him massively, I didn't think he was 'the one'.

Every so often afterwards I would email him to say that I loved him and missed him, because I did, it was true, and I would think of him being in pain and want to ease it - with assurances that it wasn't all a dream, we had been in love and it was painful for me too. I'm sure on another level I was unhappy about someone in the world out there thinking badly of me, who was angry with me, hated me even. So I was selfishly trying to make him think kindly of me so I could get on with my life. So I could not be disliked.

Now I'm older I look back on that shamefully but with understanding. I didn't want to get back together with him, though of course it would probably have seemed like that. I just felt like I felt, and wasn't kind enough to keep it to myself. And also, more unfairly, I wasn't happy thinking of someone out there who I cared about who thought I was a shit. I wanted him to think well of me. Even thought that was harder for him.

I thought of this when you said you ex had texted to say how ashamed he was and how much he missed you. Sad, yes. Facts, yes. But knowing how incredibly concerned he is with self-presentation and ego I'm not sure how moving or different they are from what we've seen before. Both entirely about his feelings, his loss (of his self-respect and his family).
I think that's great news about the counsellor.

He has finished with her for good. He wants to make things right again and he is deeply sorry for all of the hurt. He has never regretted anything in his life before but he wishes with everything he had that He had not had the affair. He listened - properly listened - when I told him how hurt I had been and how tough things had been. He wants to change the dynamics - he had too much control, success at work had gone to his head, he has been too materialistic and took my completely for granted. He will do whatever it takes and give me whatever time I need. He now knows I am ready to post the divorce papers. He wants to help much more with dd during the week and will take her to the dentist (dentists are my biggest hangup). I haven't recognised him for the last year, but today it felt like the old him has returned.

I'm damned aren't I? Damned if I do, damned if I don't. If he had said all of this to me 4 months ago I would have thought we had a chance. But now? After all this?

I'm going to talk to my shl tomorrow. Talk about divorce timings, talk about a post-nup.

I'm going to sort out an appointment with the counsellor.

My parents are no help. They are as lost as I am.

He did a 6 hour round trip to have lunch with me and like a fool I agreed to go.

I feel trapped. Because what if this is real? What if he has finally learnt? Does this mean we could have our family unit back together and share the hard stuff as well as the good stuff again? What if I can't ever trust him again? What if I waste more time and energy when I could have got out?

Is a watertight post nup the answer to me feeling security and testing him to the maximum?

All I have said is that I need a lot of time and space to think, but I have no idea. I just want to stare at a blank wall and make it all just go away for a few hours.

Tom, only you can decide but he has only just finished with her after all this time when he has known what it had done to you.
When you were grieving for your marriage, he was planning a holiday with her. That to me is the biggest indication ever of someone being completely and utterly selfish and unreliable. If you can think about that situation without wanting to scream at the arrogance, duplicity and cruelty then maybe you can start to mend it.
When you don't deal with him your posts are positive, empowered and all about KOKO, any discussion or contact with H and you are pulling at the threads and doubting yourself.
If nothing else, he is not your friend and is not yet worthy of you trusting in what he says or thinks about what he is or might be capable of.
Take care

The biggest thing for me is, he shouldn't have had to 'learn' to be honest, loving and faithful to you at this stage of the marriage. You either are or you aren't, did you have to almost lose everything to manage it? I don't think so.

You will never get over his massive betrayal. Things will never be the same again. It will always be at the back of your mind.

He won't play the humble penitent for long - his ego is just too big. It usually takes 2-3 years for the betrayed spouse to get over an affair but that is where the guilty partner does everything to fix things. He did not even try didn't he? I suspect he wants things back to the way these were with you bending over backwards to make things work now that the novelty of the Italian job has worn off.

So now he has said all the words you've been waiting to hear and it's thrown your world up in the air again. Gosh does he ever stop? It's non stop drama with him. I bet your stress levels are through the roof. When I read your posts I feel so angry that he is doing this to you.

I can understand your reasoning for maybe wanting to try again. You want the safety net of the lovely family unit the three of you once had and all the joy, warmth and security that brings. The thing is, that cosy picture is gone now, or at least for a very long time. If you take him back now you need to be prepared for a whole different relationship. It will be nothing like it was. To start with you'll probably have the honeymoon period all over again but once that wears off you'll be wondering who it is he's texting, where he really is when away on business or out with his friends, is he looking at other women when you're out and about with him? Could you handle a relationship that might be so fraught with insecurity? Is it indeed worth it?

Also it will take such a long time for you to get over what he has done to you. There may be countless times you'll need to talk about what he has done. Do you think he'd be ok with this? Or even honest enough to answer your questions? Or have the patience to sit through it time and time again?

You have to do what is best for you and your dd. Give yourself plenty of time and don't feel rushed into any rash decisions.

Tom, no one can tell you what to do but when making your decision can you please keep in mind that women here who have been through this saw through your husband from the start.

I do believe a marriage can get over an affair and it took me a long time to call it a day but there is nothing I read about your husband that makes me think - they could have a chance.

Ive said from the start I dont believe he's your common garden gnome kind of cheat and I still believe it.

You're finding it hard going and I think its this thats causing you to consider taking him back.

Please don't take him back. My husband cheated in 2000) I thought I got over it) and again in 2003 (with a Filipina escort girl in Japan). I had a little part time job and couldn't see how I could survive on my own. He left me 3 years ago for his PA. We have had a very acrimonious divorce but have just settled. I'm getting 90% of house + a very generous pension share, I'm happy. And I'm seeing a very lovely man for drinks/dinners/days out and sex! - at the ripe old age of 54. Don't waste your life like I did.

Wow. He finished with the Italian? After all this time when he er hasn't been with her, no, no.
Slow hand clap for him.

How long has it been tom? Since you found out and he said he'd dumped her and this latest dumping?

Tom,

Go back and read your thread/s from the beginning. Look at his behaviour in response to your pain. Can you live with him knowing that's how he responded to you and your daughter when you needed him the most. Can you honestly 100% trust him again? Only you can answer that question. But remember that you deserve to be in a relationship that has a foundation of trust. No piece of paper saying what assets you might get will guarantee that.

I would be questioning the timing of this epifany. He knows you are moving to divorce him. He has lost control. Now he is begging, pleading, anything to regain control over the situation.

Look at his behaviour when he had control. He was taunting you with the OW, going on holiday with her when you were literally on the floor with grief and pain.

My guess is the Italian job has chucked him, his family are not impressed with him and he is no longer the golden boy. He thinks a little bit of begging and press the right emotional buttons with you and he's right back in there.

I'm sorry to say I suspect he's also been making life hard on you (not being reliable with DD) to make your life difficult so you get ground down and start wanting him to come back. He's probably thinking give her a taste of being a single parent and she'll see the grass isn't greener.

A 6 hour round trip for lunch with his wife and daughter is nothing. He was going to fly all the way to Italy and back for a weekend with his mistress.

I'm not saying this to hurt you Tom. Just that he's notched it up a gear as predicted. And what's really made me angry for you is that you are the one being put in the horrible position where you have to make the decision to take the next big step. He's manipulated it so that if you divorce him then he can put the sob story around that he tried and begged. But he hasn't really tried has he. He hasn't fought for you at all.

And as for blaming work. ....Oh please! Yes I was so successful at work it was terrible. It literally made me stick my dick in another women I had no control! Poor me.

It's your decision to make Tom but don't make that decision on a few hours of emotional manipulation.

He has finished with her for good. He wants to make things right again and he is deeply sorry for all of the hurt.

We've heard all this before Tom. He's already said this, and you were working on the marriage, and then he buggered off on holiday with OW.

When he says he's finished with her for good - it sounds like a recent occurrence. And that's why he's back on your doorstep again. Or perhaps she finish with him. And his dad's ill and he's got no-one to lean on and he's feeling sorry for himself.

This is not about lessons that he can 'finally' learn, it's about his personality. He can change his mind (he has done several times) but he can't change his character.

When you say you wish things could go back to how they were, they were never how you thought they were because you didn't know him as well as you do now. And of course things can never be the same again.

If he had cheated and then been totally upfront and transparent and had genuinely cut OW, it would be a long road, but it would be possible. But what all this has thrown up is that he is an inveterate liar. He's lied continually through the whole process to the point that you can't trust a word he says and never will be able to ever again.

You don't even know if he has genuinely split with her, even now.

Can a relationship be mended in this context? Can a relationship work when one party feels they need therapy to come to terms with being in it and 'compromising'.

It's all very well to promise to change, but it's not realistic. He is who he is.

I've always had a gut feeling that you may get back together and then split again.

How many times has he now supposedly finished with her and not been in contact while being really sorry and wanting to do anything to make it work?

How many of those times were bullshit planning holidays etc with her?

The only way this will happen is because she has finally had enough and dumped his sorry arse. Not because he has chosen you.

Don't do it Tom..just don't

Oh and
He has finished with her for good or was it the other way round !!!

If you are seriously considering taking him back the other question to ask is can you and your daughter go through all this pain again? Because let's be honest if you do take him back its not just your emotional wellbeing you're risking but your daughters as well. If he does it again and you split again she would have to go through all the emotional upheaval again. Whilst she may have had her moments recently she is getting used to the new life. Is he worth the risk? If you were on the outside looking in would you bet on him?

See you're saying you'd like the family unit back for stability etc but I think you've got that now. What you want is to go back to the dream of a family life. But that's gone now forever. You will never get back what you had before. It would be an entirely new reality that you'd have to accept.

Thank you all. I have been feeling really vulnerable and then this cones along. I'm making no decisions for a while. I feel like this is just sucking me back in when I'd accepted being on my own and was coming to terms with it.

I don't have any energy left. I can't think clearly any longer.

He said he was prepared to wait so maybe I should tell him to back off for a month or more so I can clear my head amd focus on dd and work.

He is prepared to wait? Ah, that will be after for the last six months/one year of haranguing you to work on the marriage while still romancing his gf.

Sorry but every word you've ever written about him reveals him to be a tosser.

I'm also very aware that I need to not make a bad decision for dd.

I feel like this is just sucking me back in when I'd accepted being on my own and was coming to terms with it

And that's why he's doing it, because he can feel you moving on and he's losing control of you.

He has been absolutely ruthless and remorseless about pulling you in and spitting you out whenever he feels like it. Again, no consideration of your feelings, your needs.

Even now OP, when he's supposedly pouring his heart out - you still haven't the remotest idea of what has been going on behind the scenes.

I'm taking some chocolate and going to bed for a while. I'm going to speak to the solicitor and then I think I'm going to tell him to back off for a couple of months so I can get my head straight.

Make it a big bar of chocolate, you deserve it