Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

You poor thing tomato. That's really hard. She will be fine and you know she will. Try not to worry about her today.

I know. She's always super happy all day when she's there and then it all comes out with me. We just need to settle into our new routine.

Have a good day y'all.

Whenever I'm not with my daughters and they are upset when I leave, I spend all day worrying about them only to find that they were fine after 30 secs

You have given her the security that she can lose it with you which is a good thing (but it doesn't feel like that for you)

Have a good day

Have a great weekend, Tom!

quietly loves the kalinda comparison

Happy weekend everyone. Dd and I are off to a party this afternoon for his best friend's little boy. We are both looking pretty, my emotions are in check, present bought and dd's nails are bright pink (which she is very happy with but he will hate ha ha ha ha).

Best foot forward, head held high.

The fact he is missing the party to see his italian whore won't go unnoticed.

Hope today went ok

Am exhausted. Dd has been hard work today - think tantrum in a busy cafe whilst waiting for lunch, negotiation to get her to do anything, her being a toddler generally. When other people are around she is good as gold but with me she needs constant attention. Hence I'm done in.

Party this afternoon went well. People were very kind and I think I have a new friend. I told him months ago that he should seek some wise counsel and I mentioned his friend's parents as possible candidates. I was right, they would have been good for him to speak with. It's very clear that he has lost the sympathy and respect of a fair number of people who have been and probably still are important to him.

Mum comes on Monday for a couple of days so I will get a break but I could really have done with some space this weekend. Hey ho, I've come this far and this is easy compared to a few months ago.

Hi Tom, sorry Ive been AWOL but I've been galavanting around the Uk for a fortnight and being with people I love has been the best medicine ever. Its amazing how things change the longer you are into this horrible situation and Ive loved turning up this time as 'the new me' instead of the old me which was someone who had needed masses of emotional support fom quite a few years as well as someone who could only talk about one thing. I liked me, quite a lot really, and I did laugh when I was with an older friend of 30 years who's rather posh and I noticed I was even using a different vocabulary. I didnt sound plummy like her but I realised/remembered I'm well spoken, well rounded, and intelligent! Im laughing at that bit but the fog has cleared and its obvious I've found myself again plus a bit more.

I even struck lucky with new clothes. And I say struck lucky because there's really not much out there for someone who's a size 22 compared to their previous size 16 which was great for someone of my height. Anyway I managed to rig myself out for going away to Alaska next month and the clothes were so nice its put me back on track to losing the weight Ive gained this last couple of years due to comfort eating. I felt excited about the clothes, the prospect of losing weight, and I can see now what my therapist said was right - when the time comes to lose weight it will happen and it will feel natural, it wont be a huge battle.

I know I go off on a tangent at times but I can only speak as things are happening to me in the hope others can get something out of it.

Its great that your mum is coming to stay, and that you had a nice time at the party even though your wee girl had been out of sorts beforehand. I look at my girls and they way they deal with my grandchildren and Im in total awe of them even though for the most part they don't think much of their mothering due to it all being so blooming complicated nowadays. I bet everyone around you thinks you're fab as well.

Your wee girls pink nails - she should come and visit my 4 year old granddaughter!!!!!!!!

xxxxxxxx

sorry, I forgot to say - I love where but when my marriage was going pear shaped I used to feel ill at the thought of coming home after time away. Not that I realised it as the dread of coming back to my situation, I actually put it down to a fear of flying . You know, dreading getting on the plane because I was scared when in fact I was just dreading getting on the plane.

Anyway Ive travelled quite extensively these last two years to far flung places in order to make new memories for myself and I realised today that I only had the briefest of scary twinges when I woke up yesterday morning. It was a milestone and I can honestly say I enjoyed yesterdays travelling home as much as I did other days of the holiday. I even had my tea in the Champagne and Caviar Bar in the airport! I used to see other people doing it and Id think nah I'll just go to the lounge but yesterday I perched myself on a bar stool and ordered a nice seafood meal and a couple of glasses of bubbly. Oh and I went handbag shopping and bought a nice bottle of gin as well after tasting a nice cocktail that had been made from it. It may not seem much but previously it would have been 100 pounds worth of Cadburys chocolate for the kids ;) and the same amount on magazines.

After that nice couple of hours it was into the lounge and a happy chat with some of my family/friends on FB - not the usual one of even 18 months ago.

I know it doesn't sound very much but it was actually something huge and I hope someone gets something out of it.

I love hearing all your stories of your trips and your family. Its really comforting to know that one day my head will be free from all this shit and I can go back to having my own adventures. You never know we might be sat next to each other sipping champagne in an airport lounge one day!! And off to alaska soon too - how amazing.

I am shattered. I came home from work and mum out dd to bed. I cooked and then have collapsed. The last few days have nearly broken me but I'm still here. The work is a massive challenge - I'm getting the feeling things are really quite broken and need sorting urgently. Its all quite daunting. Fortunately that means there will be a lot to occupy my brain. Unfortunately that means I will have less space for wayward husbands.

I also bumped into an old friend on the bus. I say "bumped" more like avoided him and then decided I was a big girl and it was time to start telling people, so I sat down next to him and told him. I was very wobbly afterwards and nearly cried. But he was very lovely and clearly didn't know what to say but in a supportive way iyswim.

He's also a gossip which might help me not having to repeat the story too many times. I knew I couldn't tell him until I was sure beyond sure we are separating and divorcing. Another little milestone.

So me, mum and Little Miss Pink-nails are off to story time tomorrow, followed by a nice lunch to say thank you to mum and a play in the kings cross fountains for LMPN. I finally get some space to relax.

Hi Tom, thinking of you and wish you all the best at work and lunch and fountains! I read this and thought of you, in terms of the long term future and I think it reflects something quite true about who suffers in the long run (hint, not you!)
www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/men-may-never-truly-get-over-a-relationship-breakup-says-study-10450413.html

Hi Tom,

I hope your wee girl enjoyed the fountains, and that you had a lovely lunch with your mum.

When I was in Nice recently there was a childrens park set one street back from the Corniche and it had these beautiful fountains for children to run under. I think they may have even been activated by the children running across the grass. I wanted to have a go as well but I reluctantly held myself back though Im not sure I will when I go back with my pal next year

Enjoy - you deserve it! Plenty of sun, red wine and cheese can solve many problems.

I don't think one should ever refrain from enjoying the simple pleasures of life - especially fountain related

Blood - thank you for the article. Comforting.

I'm starting to settle into my new "new" and I think I can make it work. We had the inaugural wine/book club last night and have a new date for the next. Early days but I think the job will work out. I've only upset one person so far. Its a relief to finally be busy - talking to people, starting to see the issues and knowing I can soon start untangling the problems and uncover the solutions.

He continues to anger me, possibly irrationally. He has put a couple of dates in the diary for his not having dd for a friends stag do and wedding. The sheer hypocrisy of celebrating an institution which he clearly does not believe in makes me so irate. We are sitting down sometime this weekend to go through contact for dd. Joy of joys.

I'm beginning to tell people too - as I see people I'm not going to pretend any longer that everything is fine but I'm going to start being honest.

One of the biggest problems now is my mum. She is so hurt on my behalf its really hard to get her to forget about him and not brood. I don't know how to help her because she sucks me down when we talk and I am really bored of talking about him and how low he has fallen.

Tom-there is probably nothing you can do to help your mum.

I'm the "mum" in a slightly similar scenario and she is going to feel how she feels for however long.

You are her baby and she is probably sad/angry/want to protect you/wants to kill him and various other things.

This I think is normal if my own experience is anything to go by.
You don't stop being a parent just because your baby is an adult.
She will have to come to terms with it in her own time.

So that's over and done with. I've had an hour of sorting out contact for dd for the next couple of months, him trying to blame me still for not allowing him back (!), me shouting at him, me crying and me telling him to leave me and that I would honestly be happier if I didn't have to speak to him again. He wants to be friends and yadda yadda yadda.

He has also said he doesn't want lawyers involved in sorting out the finances and I've told him I want to do everything properly and with the right support (and definitely through mediation). It is abundantly clear he hasn't been to see a lawyer and doesn't know anything about the mediation process. I haven't told him I have a lawyer and he didn't ask but he will soon be finding out. So I'm 2 steps ahead right now.

I'm feeling pretty shaken and teary but I have some breathing space from him for a few weeks. Onwards. Upwards.

Hi Tom sounds like you are doing great. It may not feel like it from where you are standing but just remember how far you've come in such a short space of time.

'He said he doesn't want lawyers involved' why does he think he gets the only vote on this??? You are your own person now, you get to make your own choices. He's still trying to control you but good on you for not letting him. What a tool!

Is he due to receive a letter from your SHL soon? Well done for being two steps ahead. I would start thinking about your next approach emotionally speaking when he realises you're taking the next step and formalising things. I would go all business like on him. Treat him like someone in your new office. Polite, firm and unemotional.

As for the friends thing, who would treat a friend like this? ?? What makes him think he is worthy of being your friend.

Why would I not get a lawyer? I'm not stupid. She's off for another couple of weeks and we have contact for dd sorted out for the few weeks following her sending out the first batch of paperwork. I can say simply that I think we should discuss it when emotions are not running so high.

And yes, the friends thing. My friends don't treat me the way he has. He won't want to be friends either once we start properly negotiating money.

Of course he doesn't want a lawyer because he thinks he still has you in the web he built around you over the last few years.

You're doing great. Really. And tears are ok.

You mean he won't want to be friends with you when he realises he can't emotionally manipulate you or get his own way.

Oh what a shame!

Isn't it just a shame.

I told him that my priorities right now are work and dd. That figuring out how we make things amicable for the long term is just not even on the radar right now.

Every time he tries to blame you just repeat that he is solely to blame for the affair and solely to blame for fucking up the fall out. He lied and lied until you could no longer trust or repsect him.

And no, you do not want to be friends with a liar.

Twinkle - yes, thats a good line to take thank you.

It has been niggling me since we met. He wants to sort finances and he wants to sort the house. I said i wanted to keep the house until dd starts school which is another 2 years. I said I don't want to keep moving and I can afford a better property in a "dead zone" out of catchment areas.

He said thats unrealistic and "we both want to move on don't we". I can't think quickly on my feet because actually I have enough going on without stressing about moving house and I'd rather put dd's education and stability before my own needs. Its also a nice house and I'm quite happy staying here for now thank you very much.

So now I feel a bit uneasy about it and I'm not sure why.

Anyway by the time we've finished the financials he may think he's lucky in getting any of the proceeds of the house sale. Let alone forcing a sale before I'm ready.

we both want to move on don't we

I think it may have been the above that unsettled you.

Its the sheer fucking effrontery of it. Its said and nothing else in the same conversation leaves you feeling ok.

It designed to knock the wind out of a person sails.

Stand firm and leave everything to your solicitor. Do not enter into any negotiations with this man at all.

You know the old saying, as rude as it sounds - don't buy a dog and bark yourself!

Chin Up

xxxxx