Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

It does not sound ridiculous at all to want your dad there, it's perfectly reasonable. Any normal person would agree I'm sure.
Is it necessary that you have to negotiate with him face to face?

I was out with my friend earlier and she said the same thing - why not have dad around if I need him. I just feel a bit pathetic as a 38 year old woman needing her dad around! I should be able to put my big girls pants on by now. The thing is, he is good with numbers and will want to help in any way possible to protect his two best girls, I think he's probably itching to get involved more!

I have a feeling I have got a little bit ahead of myself. I'm going to start the legal process end of August when SHL back and I'm not sure quite how the financial negotiations will work. I need to focus on my next step which is actually getting off to a good start with my new job.

Oh, and I mowed the lawn today. I haven't done it before - it was always his job. It was very long and I haven't done a neat job, but for a first attempt I was very proud of myself. It takes away his need to be around the house doing little jobs to be "helpful". Its also stamping my mark a little more - claiming my turf. As it were.

Tom I've meant to post for ages, just wanted to say many congratulations on your job. Really well done. Nice to see you in the Bar too, will catch up there when I get a chance.

Get all the support you need, nothing wrong with having your dad by your side with you.

Well done on mowing the lawn too. I am sure it looks lovely. KOKO.

I'm well into my 49's and need my parents. DH needs his parents but they are no longer with us. There's nowt wrong with leaning on people when we need it

I will want my dad there
Your STBEx may object (2 against 1, or even just for the hell of it). I would.

Tom you are doing so well. I think your 'H' is in for a surprise at your strength and competence which he has clearly underestimated.

Thanks everyone. I'm starting to find it really repulsive that he chooses to spend time with her than with dd. To me it shows how low down both dd and I are in his priorities.

I've just got a bit further with my homework for the solicitor. His behaviour proves that he has no intention of continuing to be married, so he won't be soon enough.

Having my dad there when it comes to talking about the finances would be great, but I don't think will be allowed. Dad has the ability to be rather intimidating, and is a mathematical whizz. I wouldn't allow it if I had the possibility of sitting on the other side. We shall see.

He has just picked up dd for the night and every fucking time I see him I come away wanting to cry. He asked whether I was ready for Thursday and rather than an easy breezy smile as I should have done I said no, that the tube strike is on and I have no help with dd. He offered there and then to sort out and pay for cabs both ways which actually would be really helpful. It just leaves me confused. I know its just his guilt talking because he'll be on a romantic weekend away but for fucks sake. Why can't anything ever be easy? I do the right things, try and get everything in order and every single time something comes along which means I'm reliant on someone else. I just want to be self sufficient. Is that too much to ask for?

Argh!!!!!

At least I have a pilates session now so I can legitimately get hot and bothered.

Don't engage with him! If he makes a conversational move, just find some way of brushing him off. Something vague like you don't know, and sorry but you need to get on, etc.

it's not even so much guilt as his view of himself. That's what most important to him, above and beyond anything. That's why he's choosing to spent time with OW, because the reflection of himself back is more appealing than the one you or your daughter offer. It's ego, pure and simple. If you can detach enough to see that, I personally would bleed him dry with no emotion towards him at all. But yeah, independence breeds strength and I can totally understand why you would want and deserve that rather than feed his ego and view of himself. He wants two things, 'to be seen as a good guy' and to do whatever the fuck he wants without anyone questioning it. When those things can't tally, he fucks off.

Blood - thank you for that. It helps to get my head around taking him up on the offer.

My plan is to get as much financially as I possibly can. Up until recently I had been thinking about what is fair to take out of the marriage but having spent time with my parents and then this weekend he is taking I'm going to surprise the fuck out of him when it comes to the financial settlement negotiations. I think that is why I want my dad for moral support because I'm going to be going against all my natural instincts to be fair.

Pilates was relaxing. I still have the desire to hit someone very hard. I once hit a policeman over - it was during a safety lesson and everyone had been a bit weedy when practising hitting an assailant so he told me to hit him with everything I had. So I did. I think both of us were a little taken aback by my strength!!

I need to use that strength against him when the time comes. Until then I am being very very nice.

I had a colleague who was very good at her job. She was brilliant fun, hugely feisty. When she started being really nice to someone the daggers were well and truly out. I have been channelling her recently.

I want to be free of all this headspace its taking up. I want to be free from the anger too. Grrr.

Yes you need to him metaphorically as hard as you hit the policeman.

To clarify an earlier exchange with you, I want to say that I didn't intend to imply he could control you. If there's anything he has or will learn from this is that he cannot.

But you asked why he didn't have the courage to be honest, and my point was that it was not a question of courage on his part but of self-interest.

In his mind he thought he was controlling the situation by limiting the information he gave to you and OW. If he was completely honest with both of you, you'd both have binned him. He wanted to be the master of his own choice between the two of you rather than you making it for him. for that he had to be dishonest with both of you.

He's about to learn he's stuffed everything up by operating like that, and he's massively underestimated you.

Thinking of you, tom.
I think you seem like a genuinely nice person. I Think a lot of your guilt and confusion comes from that and that's really lovely and a testament to you.

I think though it's worth bearing in mind that you are simply looking for the best life for you and your DD. you wanted to build that together, he didn't. He wanted to mess around. And I firmly believe he would have continued to do so with other people, OW or others. 'Fair' is a very difficult thing to decide in these circumstances. And certainly not something he has ever shown you in an emotional sense, not at all from what you've described.

Good for you. Think well of yourself and protect yourself, won't you.

Also why SHOULDN'T he pay for all the shit his fuckwittery has incurred? It's not as if you would need any of this if he hadn't done what he's done, and handled it so so poorly (and UNFAIRLY). He lied to you over an over and still tries to manipulate you and put his best face forward whilst getting what he wants elsewhere.

Twinkle - that honesty piece has been sinking in recently. He was only honest because I backed him into a corner and he was told by the counsellor his only choice was to be honest. So he was. But it backfired. And the way he then responded and his actions since then have shown he wasn't honest for my sake and because it was important to me to do the right thing, but that it was an act of self-interest.

Oops. He has just phoned to be nice and sort out practicalities of contact with dd. He said he wants me to keep talking to him and that he will always put dd and I first. Red rag meet bull. I ended the conversation saying that from now on we should only discuss the practicalities of dd and no cozy little chats.

Blood - don't worry - I know he has not been at all fair, and I know he tore my future from me, and I need to recreate a new one. I will get nasty over finances to secure our future. Because I can't ever trust him to do the right thing again and I won't allow a "fairness" argument to win through (even against myself as it were).

The poor man. He just dropped dd pff and cried as he hugged her goodbye. My heart bleeds. He luvs her soooooooooo much but not actually enough to take any time off work. Poor hard done by soul.

I told him last night that he put spending time with his Italian slut ahead of spending time with his daughter. He tried to defend himself and I cut him off. Poor lamb.

The only person this man loves is himself

He really should get an Oscar for Best Dramatic Performance

Definitely not! He would somehow twist it to be a compliment rather than an insult.

Oooh - I'm liking it that you're getting angry with him, tom!

It is not healthy him having these emotional outbursts in front of a little girl like that. He needs to grow up and control himself.

It is not healthy him having these emotional outbursts in front of a little girl like that. He needs to grow up and control himself.

Seriously.

What age is she? Nearly 3?

I have a recent 3 year old. They get very confused to see a parent upset.

You are their security.

MaybeDoctor

Fantastic - at no point has he considered the impact on her. Why should he start now?

Since taking a couple of long weekends I have just been furious towards him. I think its the confirmation that there is really no hope. Hence my anger.

Yes - she's nearly 3. There is enough emotional outpouring from her generally without rocking her world further. My absolute priority is keeping things stable for her. I need to point this out to him don't I.

MaybeDoctor

Fantastic - at no point has he considered the impact on her. Why should he start now?

Since taking a couple of long weekends I have just been furious towards him. I think its the confirmation that there is really no hope. I feel like I'm seeing him in a completely new light and its pretty repulsive. Hence my anger.

And finally the dopey estate agent has just cc'd him in on the response for an updated valuation. That should get him thinking and hopefully the fact I am looking at finances will ruin his weekend.