Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

You are enough Tom, please don't doubt that. He isn't a whole person, there is a piece missing inside him that he is trying to fill with excitement but never will.

Your daughter thinks you are the world, how can she be wrong?

Thank you bathtime. I think I need to print that out and have it somewhere important.

My lawyer has said we need to keep clear of the courts. We have agreed a bottom line which I can work with and will go for as much more as we can. She said that I have to do the negotiations myself with a mediator, although with her full support in the background and with tactics carefully worked through.

That's good to hear Tom, your SHL is obviously very SH!

Bear in mind though that even if you want to keep clear of the courts, your ex may not.

If we end up there, so be it. I will have to deal with that when the time comes. Hopefully not though.

So happy for you Tom re the job. This will be the start of you revaluing yourself, and becoming "you" again. You are stronger than you know.

I hope for your sake that things can be settled without court appearances. However, I find that if it does go to those lengths, that's when you start the process of seeing the person you have loved and admired really show their true colours. Hurtful, but very insightful, and necessary to move forward.

Tom

It wasn't you that wasn't enough, it's that he is so flawed he couldn't see what he had

Just checking in. Its finance Friday and my day for admin. So I have signed my letter engaging the solicitor. I still have a bit more homework in preparation for the Form E stage which I need to get underway though.

Next week she goes on holiday and I start my new job so I think I will start issuing proceedings when she returns and after I've settled in.

Operation detachment has been going well. I haven't actually seen him for over a week (he collected dd from nursery yesterday and dropped her back this morning). Am feeling much more settled as a result.

Have lots of nice things planned for my final free days and hopefully will be starting my new job all glossy and full of beans!!

I have a long way to go to reach meh. He's decided to go away for a long weekend next weekend. I can only assume that is to meet her. Which also means that he did also meet her the other weekend in Milan despite indicating otherwise. The twisting and lies have continued and I HATE being lied to.

It just hardens my resolve to finish my homework for the solicitor and get ready to start divorce proceedings and then to get whatever I possibly can out of the marriage.

I've been feeling like I've become really calculating, thinking about money, charting his contact with dd, thinking how I can engineer things my own way. I need to rethink how I can make myself feel ok about this, and him continuing to lie is a big step in the right direction.

The twisting and lies have continued because they never stopped in the first place.

Yes you have a long way to go but I think you forget sometimes how very early on in the separation process you still are - you're doing just fine.

Have a good weekend and good luck for Monday

I'm finding it difficult how every time I realise he is seeing her still it is like a physical jolt. I then get angry.

I'm going to arrange a much more structured arrangement this weekend for contact so I don't have to hear these things.

Slightly bizarre - I start work on Thursday. V excited about that!

Tom. It's very early in the proceedings to be at ease with what he does and the reality is he now knows you are your own woman and I wholeheartedly believe anything he has going on with the OW is primarily a finger in the air to you.

And yes to more structured contact but until that happens you must practice saying 'have a great time'.

I found that gave more satisfaction than I'm not interested.

Xxxx

I can think of much better ways to do the proverbial finger in the air. Money. Relationships with his family and friends. Long term happiness. Eventually being with someone who doesn't have the morals of an alley cat.

It is important to feel your emotions, recognise them, understand them - let them out.

Be real that is how you heal --- but choose when to express them and what actions/behaviours (if any) you take in response to them

Have a "fake it to make it" calm bland persona that you have practiced and can strategically deploy for the times that you need to interact with him - these will be infrequent and transient - and will become more so over time.

Just think I am calm in your company because I have my eyes on the prize - a lovely financially secure life for me and my DD.

When the interaction with him is over -- kick, scream, holler, cry to your hearts content - that is allowed and is healthy.

Thank you 13. I actually came on here to have a rant.

He has just picked up dd and I had everything by the door ready to go. He tries to be all nice and helpful and I tell him I am already late going out and need to get going.

What makes me so furious is that he is just adding insult to injury. He must think I am just a complete mug. He must think I was born yesterday. And all of this daddy of the year stunt he tries pulling when he sees dd but yet he doesn't make spending time with her a priority when he has time off. It makes my blood boil.

Anyway. I'm off to choose myself a new bag to start my new job with. I have some birthday money burning a hole in my pocket.

And breathe.

One of the most damning things for me about your husband in all this, was the fact that he was happy to go away for a week and not be in email contact. Which makes him not just a crap husband but a crad dad.

Whether it was because he wanted total time out when he should have been working to save your marriage, or because he was going to be with OW and he'd told her you were out of the picture; the fact is he was happy to be difficult to get hold of for a week was clearly not giving the slightest thought to your daughter. She didn't seem to factor in his life for that week.

When our kids were your daughter's age, if my husband went away even for a night he would ring and Skype and want to talk to them. He was contactable at all times.

When your husband has time off, it's all about him and he seems to forget he has a kid.

Twinkle - absolutely - thats it.

When it first happened I let him set the amount of he saw her during the week, and I went through my texts and emails the other day to put it all into a calendar I had printed out.

He sees her once a week. And then he sees her most weekends.

I am not challenging any of this because he's digging his own hole. When we formalise contact (as we will) I won't give up any extra time, because this is the arrangement he can commit to, and any more is too much trouble for him. And of course that will have an impact on maintenance.

One day he is going to wake up and realise exactly what he has lost. I am no longer waiting for him to come to his senses. I have a vision of a lovely peaceful life for dd and I. He will be just a bit player, and if he ends up disappearing altogether I will make sure dd has such a strong base she will be ok.

Right. I now have some food in me and have ranted away the edge of the anger.

Ugh. And let's not forget the real motivation for being out of email contact for that time was so he could be with the OW uninterrupted and sealed without judgement or bit of contact lying around that revealed how much of the other sort of lying he was doing all round. His construction of deception more important than contact with his daughter. And so it continues with these 'revelations' about him seeing OW for these long weekends.

It's very predictable behaviour from someone like this that they will work very hard to be nice to 'someone's face' because they fear being disliked so much, it hurts their ego. Paradoxically, this makes them far more likely to cheat and lie. It still saddens me to think of that response 'we haven't planned to'. The level of weak evasion to avoid being disliked over someone else's mental health and clarity is so damning. It's the difference between actions and words that we used to talk about so long ago. He honestly can't understand why he would be judged on his actions rather than his words and manner, which he's worked for so long to perfect as a means of manipulation and self=presentation.

Congratulations on your new job Tom, and best wishes for Thursday.

BathtimeFunkster's post below is spot on; you are not the failure in your marriage - your husband was unable to meet even the most basic requirements.

Bathtime - it disgusts me. Its this charming persona that he has created that he hides behind and he doesn't even have the guts to be honest. I can deal with the truth even though it hurts far better than this web of half truths.

Because the series of revelations just fuels the anger, and mapping out in black and white how little he is bothered about seeing our precious little girl makes the rage turn to steel.

Urgh.

It's not in his interest to be honest, he is (he thinks) controlling the situation by holding all the cards. He's manipulated both you & OW & his disclosure is based on what he can get away with admitting to, and which relationship he wants to save at that moment. It seems to flip one way then the other.

Ironically, it's that very behaviour that has lost him one of his options.

He isn't controlling me though Twinkle, and if he stops to think (or consults a lawyer) he will know that actually I already hold a good hand and am building it to be a strong hand.

He's going to get one almighty shock when he realises, and because of all of these lies and manipulations I will be far more resistant to his pleas for leniency or "fairness".

And yes, his lies have driven me away far more quickly than upfront honesty would have done.

Tom, ive spent a good hour this afternoon reading your thread and the replies.

I just want to say that your horrible husband sounds like my dad, and you sound like my mum!
He ran off with a Swedish woman he met at the gym. My mum was horrified and angry as you are but she was also focused and decided to put all her energy into us. We had a great childhood as a result, and my dad just slinked off with the ow, eventually moving to Sweden with her, where they wasted years together in a toxic relationship. When they finally broke up, she needed intense therapy to get her life on track.

Meanwhile my mum got herself a new job, a new house, then met my wonderful step father who we love so much. We hardly ever see my dad now, he's too busy chasing women and living a lie, he knows what he has missed out on. He never walked me down the aisle, he never gave a father of the bride speech, he was never there for any of my achievements because I didn't want him to be. I hope your husband can put his daughter before his own selfishness for his sake, or your dd will go the same way I did.

She will always have you, a mum who, when wronged intensely and lied too, refused to shrink.
I'll keep following your updates, it will get better for you, just keep going!

Thank you ollie - thats really reassuring that it is possible to give dd a wonderful childhood despite this period of complete shit.

Have just sweated and stretched my way through a yoga class so less angry now. The resolve remains though.

Tom-don't worry about being calculating, you have to be otherwise you will get shafted.
This is for yours and dd future, do not let any thoughts of being calculating etc deter you.
He will undoubtedly wail about "fairness" and lots of other bollocks when he wakes up to what will happen, just be serene about it and bat away any attempts from him to talk about it.
He will likely start to mess with your head again when he realises that it's not all about him and that he won't get everything, no matter, just keep your end goal in mind,

I think I have surprised both myself and my parents with this side of me. We won't start negotiations for a while but I am nervous - of his anger but also what other tactics he will employ.

It sounds ridiculous but when we do the actual negotiating I will want my dad there - as a voice that I can listen to telling me to go for it. I somehow need to internalise that voice.

I thought I had shut the cat out last night but clearly didn't. I woke up this morning with him cuddled in looking very pleased with himself. He might end up being an indoor cat at nighttime at this rate.