Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

Wow Tom that's absolutely fantastic news, well done! They are lucky to have you. Four days is perfect.

Have a fabulous evening!

You are dignity personified Tom. Your DD is one lucky girl with a mother like you. I don't usually post gushing stuff but have made an exception in your case I won't make a habit of it though

That new job will be your anchor, pivot point, jumping off point you can plan everything else around it - well done - what an achievement especially to succeed at the darkest hour - your life will accelerate from now on - and spin off into new, unexpected and magical paths - no stopping you - leave shit head in your dust go girl.....

Well done Tom.

A huge well done to you

We're all so excited for you. Really .

And on a different note. Are you going to name her in your divorce?
Being Italian she's probably Catholic and I suspect she'd have a fit if you named her.

Thanks for all the congrats. I'm still chuffed to pieces, although hungover. I told a couple more friends last night which was a relief. No more lying and pretending when I see people.

They asked how I could stop myself doing something vindictive and I said I want to get my revenge in the financials.

Very softly, very gently I want to extract as much as I can out of the marriage. The solicitor has advised to carry on keeping the calm as much as possible and not inflaming the situation because that will help negotiations tenfold.

As much as I would love to name her weebirdie I think that would definitely blow the situation up. I would rather write a letter to her family exposing her once I have security.

I feel like I'm definitely playing the long game. That doesn't stop my imagination running riot though!!! Xx

I wouldn't bother with the letter. Her family may not care what she does, I don't think it will achieve anything but making you look a bit sad.

The best revenge is to live well, be happy, and move on.

Yes - probably not a wise thing to do. Better stay enigmatic. I do write these letters and keep them for another day though. Its all very cathartic.

I like that image of living well being the best revenge. I feel like I've finally got through the worst of the storm now.

Another voice adding to the congrats here - really pleased for you. You'll get to be a great role model for your DD professionally now as well as personally.
I love how full your life sounds - friends, great parents, fitness classes.
I'm not seeing your ex's life in the same way. He's lost the whole package when he decided to stray, methinks.
More fool him

Warmest congratulations on the new job, Tomato - this is brilliant news

Apologies for not being much use to you on here recently - I'm away a lot - but just one point: your STBXH is not going to like this at all and will probably try to ramp up the mind games big time when he realises your future is getting more assured. You might want to be even more careful to keep him at arms' length during handover, etc ... ?

OP if you have let him come this weekend that's ok, keep posting. Keep using us as a sounding board. It's easy to say LTB when your not the one in the middle of getting your head sorted. Not so easy in real life.

Oops arm - wrong thread. And many congratulations on your job :)

Congrats on the job, he will not like it, but he does not matter

I do love it when a plan comes together!

How's you mrs? X

Am good thank you. Had a cracking night out on friday and have a couple more good friends in the loop. A bit hungover yesterday but managed a yoga class this morning before train trip to my folks. Am now holed up with dd asleep upstairs spending a few days here. Once I start working it will be a bit more tricky to come back regularly so making the most of it now.

Have spent a couple of hours bringing my parents up to speed on my game plan following the meeting with the SHL.

Am seeing my inlaws over the next couple of days.

Feeling much much more settled than I have for a while.

You ok? Xx

Sounds good

Yes, really busy with school hols! I'm basically just a supplier of snacks etc to the various friends that appear to play with ds, but I'm loving it

When do you start work? So excited for you, it will make a Huge difference x

I can just imagine trays of squash and flapjacks being descended on by hungry boys!

I start a week thursday. Lots of plans to spend time with family and friends over the next few days. I start 3 days a week for the first month and then 4 days in September.

Next step SHL for instigating procedures.

How do you feel about taking that next step?

I had 8 of them in my back garden on Friday, think I may, unknowingly, be running a holiday club

Very very nervous. At some point he will start talking to a lawyer himself. I have been manoeuvring myself into a reasonably strong position and at some stage either he or his lawyer will twig that it may not be an accident. Thats when the fight will really start.

I'm also really blue that it has come to this. Dd is being passed between families. I've lost the man I thought I would spend my life with and I still have to come to terms with losing my dreams.

And despite everyone telling me to the contrary I feel like an utter failure. I wasn't enough.

And despite everyone telling me to the contrary I feel like an utter failure. I wasn't enough.

I know that feeling well and some time down the line you'll realise it was good to not be enough for your husband. Not that it will be of any consolation right now.

And re your husband realising that you've been streets ahead of him in seeing a solicitor - remember that no matter what you do you wont make him happy so please forge on ahead doing whats best for you and your DD. You are more than likely in for a very hard time of it so at least make it be worthwhile to you.

xx

I wouldn't call yourself a failure when your STBXH is a selfish escapist who did you the disservice of committing adultery because he felt entitled to mess with your life.

I'm letting my head rule right now. My feelings haven't caught up and it could take a long time for them to. I know logically I haven't brought this on myself but logic doesn't always come into it.

I kind of think this is my one shot. I need to get as much contact with dd as I can, get her set up with school, and get enough money to be able to create a lovely little home for us.

Long term he has the ability to be a lot better off than me regardless of what deal I get.

So I am going to be as canny as can be to get the best possible deal. The consequence of that is going to be his nastiness. So be it.

No.

He wasn't enough.

He failed at marriage.

He failed at recognising and cherishing what he had.

He failed at being faithful and truthful and keeping his promises.

He failed at being respectful and kind and loving selflessly.

All he had to offer you was marriage to a faithless egotist, and that wasn't enough.

Massive congratulations on your new job Tom .

With regard to formalising your separation I think weebirdie is spot on with you being in for a hard time regardless so make it count. However also bear in mind the saying "lawyers love clients who fight on principle" i.e. make sure you don't cross over the line from not selling yourself short into making a battle last longer than it needs to driven more by moral motivations (whilst racking up associated costs) rather than by leaving as much money as you can in the marital pot so you ultimately obtain the best possible outcome for yourself and DD.

I personally know of a couple where the "wronged" wife racked up £500k of legal fees pursuing a judgement all the way up the higher courts because she didn't feel her original settlement was adequate. Although her financial needs were taken care of (clouded by the fact her ex could probably have offered her a bit more) she was primarily motivated by wanting to redress the emotional pain her ex had caused her by leaving her for OW. As a result the fees wiped out the majority of her settlement and she's unable to move on either physically or emotionally.

Not saying you shouldn't fight for what's rightfully yours but you need to judge carefully the point at which you've reached the best deal you can in the circumstances, even if it falls slightly short of what you feel you're morally owed by someone who, important to remember, has very few morals.