Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

I need to let that sink in I think. It makes sense.

I feel like I'm making excuses for not taking the next step. I might well be. What I do know is that I need to gather my strength again and bar the handover on sunday afternoon I have protection from another ambush.

I would compassionately remind you that each time you have talked about needing time to gather your strength you have then had an encounter with him that has left you feeling very exposed and confused and weak and upset.

It may be that you will never feel stronger UNTIL you take the next step. That you are caught in a vicious circle of taking tremulous steps and then him dragging you back until you break the cycle.

You're afraid, and that's totally natural. But only you know really what the core of you needs and wants. You cant fight the core.

What is it you're afraid of?

Xpost blood. I will take heed, thank you.

I have been clear that I want to separate with him. It's the being sucked into discussions about that decision which I have to avoid. When I'm thinking clearly I know this is the right decision for me.

that's good. Sending you hope and strength!

I'm afraid I'm going to look back and think I've made the most monumentous mistake. I'm afraid that life is going to get harder, not easier.

First step no contact
Second step job
Third step start formal proceedings

And fourth step thank your lucky stars ( I know you do but just saying for benefit of lurkers) that you have such supportive and emotionally intelligent parents, especially your mother.

Many people in your situation don't , largely because they have replicated in their own marriages their parents' disastrous choices to some degree.

What a diamond mine of strength you have there. Because of this - and aside from anything else, including money, you will be fine. Absolutely fine.

Yes you'll probably need to work again but that's good, why shouldn't you? you obviously have lots of contacts and an innate confidence in your abilities. I think you'll enjoy the challenge - I think you've relished the interviews you've had already - and you'll quickly regain self respect after several years of abject picking up after him.

Also you have one kid. Although this may be sad for you if you'd had some soft focussed dream of many - it's certainly for the best at the moment.

It's not like you're leaving him bearing only a few plastic bags and your child in a buggy to go to a hostel or rely on the diminishing and unreliable hand outs of the state. So it's scary yes, but not as scary as it could be. You can afford in every sense to be brave. So carry on doing what your doing and bloody well be brave!

Sounds like you're in a position to get a really 'good settlement'. You can afford a shit hot lawyer. Keep on keeping on.

And def keep on with the yoga!

Just re-read my last post and it sounds far harsher than I intended. So sorry Tom.

I also think he said 'we haven't made plans' in order to panic you I to saying - ok let's get back together. He wanted you to he afraid they were going to meet, that you'd have him back so they wouldn't. It was the same with the emails weeks ago.

You are doing the right thing with your separation and divorce and you'll be ok as long as you keep in mind that doubts and being frightened are a normal part of this.

I'm currently in Beirut at a family wedding and I cried most of the way here in the aircraft such was the emotion of coming to an emotionally charged situation without my husband. This is where my cousin was shit dead many years ago and I'm here for her granddaughters wedding, my cousins husband was my husband pal at college in the UK, and to be here without my husband has been hard. It just seems all wrong and that is 30 months after separating. But separating was the best thing for me and the point I'm trying to get across is that you can still have times of sadness even when the life you are living is the best one for you.

I also wanted to say thank you for the lovely eid greetings some of you sent me. We had a fabulous day except my son and son in law thought my palazzo trousers and sleeveless waterfall front blouse were pyjamas. And there I was feeling like an exotic bird of paradise

Words - thank you for your words, and you are right I have a huge amount to be very grateful for. I know I will create a nice life for dd and I, my parents are fantastic and I have the skills to navigate the practicalities.

Its just the emotional side which has to catch up.

You know, one of the things which used to drive me mad was why he was constantly striving for more and better. What I want is a secure roof over our head, bills paid, food on the table, good friends and the odd adventure. This is achievable.

And the yoga? I'm not giving that up soon. Am just out of a class with more classes lined up to help fill my dd free weekend (aswell as a couple of nights out).

Thank you weebirdie - we xposted.

I think you're right that he is trying various tactics to get me back - to get me to do the pick me dance. He's criticised me a couple of times for not begging him to come back.

I'm so sorry about your cousin. You had so many years with your husband and your lives were so intertwined there must be so many bits which just feel wrong.

We used to tease my granny mercilessly. We adored her and it was one way of paying attention to her and making her the centre. She had us clocked good and proper though. I bet you looked gorgeous and it was their way of showing you their admiration (as it were).

I've read through your thread, and bits of it are very familiar to me. The thing about affairs, is once they are out in the open the illicit thrill is gone, it all seems a bit sordid. The gloss goes off the affair partner as well, especially when the option of returning home is cut off. I'd bet any money that the Spain holiday was booked by her, but he had gone off the idea of going as he was hoping you'd take him back. This exact scenario happened with my DH.

In your shoes I'd go ahead with the divorce, as if you strike while the guilt is fresh you get a much better settlement. You don't have to go through with it if you don't want to, but definitely get the ball rolling.

I don't know about the whole no contact thing myself. I personally didn't go down that route. Separation/divorce proceedings were made much easier by the fact we became good friends again. If he is abusive, or communication is angry or upsetting, then of course nc is sensible.

He's criticised me a couple of times for not begging him to come back.

This is really the essence of him.

Twinkle - I am 100% not going to beg. I have done nothing wrong. I will not be married to man who, when he has trampled over everything I hold dear, been caught, lied and lied and lied, then wants ME to beg HIM to return. He's skewing it so that I come out of this the bad guy.

Worse - maybe she did book the holiday. I'm sure he isn't looking so shiny to her any longer.

I don't want to go no contact completely because of dd. Unless things get worse. I want to stay amicable long term for her, so low contact is what I am aiming for. Yesterday was a much better day, and today all I have to do is hand over her stuff to him and I am now prepared a bit more.

On a very wet and damp day my luck has finally taken a change for the better. I have been offered a job - 4 days a week, nice company, nice people. What a relief!! I am so pleased.

I can start moving forwards positively. I have a weekend free and dd and I will then spend a few days with my folks and then start work the following week. I've been in touch with my SHL already to say I want to start getting things moving separation wise.

Fantastic news. The best thing about hitting rock bottom is the only way is up. New job, new life, it's all waiting for you.

Hurray! Congratulations, that's great news.

Criticising you for not begging doesn't make you the bad guy it just makes him a twat.

To me he has a slight disconnect with reality, that's quite typical of people who are very self-absorbed.

Congratulations

That is wonderful news, I'm so pleased for you. :)

I'm absolutely chuffed. I have felt in limbo for a really long time and that has now come to an end.

He's just trying to make me take the blame for his inadequacies. He hasn't done a single thing since I found out to convince me that staying together is the right thing to do. I wouldn't have begged him, but there was also never a reason to ask him to come home.

I think he may well be genuinely surprised that you haven't begged him. It sounds like that's how he thought it was going to go in his head, and you're not doing what he expected.

Yes I think that's right. I was always very open about how much I loved him and was very loving with my gestures. The minute I found out about the affair that closed down and I think that has shocked him. He took my love for granted and assumed he could pick it up when he wanted.

However I am not wired that way.

De-lurking to say congratulations on your new job! Wonderful news.

Having been through a divorce myself, looking back I can see how everything along that journey (the good bits and the bad bits) all happened just when they were meant to, to give me time to grieve I think and get stronger slowly but surely.

Well done, so pleased for you.

That fab news, well done x

I'm so pleased. Have a girls night out which I am all dressed up for. I have a feeling bubbles will be involved!

Thank you everyone sooooooo much for your support so far. It has meant so much xx

yaaaaaaay! they are lucky people.

A job 4 days a week. That's brilliant. I work 4 days and l love the extra day off. You should be able to get the work/ life / time with DD balance just right.
Things are on the way up Tom this is just the start and have plenty of tonight. Cheers