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Original poster

Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

910 replies

tomatoplantproject · 30/06/2015 22:14

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 21/07/2015 22:30

Sorry - I know I'm still going round in circles but I'm really unsure of myself still and it really helps to get it out.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 21/07/2015 22:32

We've no idea whether there was any likelihood seeing her in Milan, for all we know she's binned him. Iirc he implied he might see her - whether that was true or a bluff it's wretched either way.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 21/07/2015 22:37

When I asked him whether he would see her in Milan he said "we haven't made plans to". Because he didn't say "no" I took that as "yes if I can persuade her". I assumed that was how he has managed to conceal the truth without actually lying - iyswim.

OP posts:
AmIbeingTreasonable · 22/07/2015 02:09

You will probably find that once you stop him coming in to your home and keep those boundaries at all costs, he will probably change again and not for the better ('cos it won't be all about him).

Twinklestein · 22/07/2015 08:56

Oh that's right. 'We haven't made any plans to' implied that they were still in contact. The 'we' is particularly insulting. Whether she's actually ended it and it was a lie to hurt you, or he was trying to persuade her to see him, it's all equally arsehole-ish.

BathtimeFunkster · 22/07/2015 09:21

On what basis can he possibly claim to have "changed"?

A changed man wouldn't have been haring off to Milan the second his estranged wife said she was finished.

A man who was genuinely remorseful and regretful that he had brought such a painful end to his marriage and who still loved his wife would keep a respectful distance and focus on his daughter.

He's just chancing his arm with this "are you sure?" bullshit at this stage.

He just got back from visiting his mistress. He isn't even pretending to change.

He's just offering you the chance to stay with a man with a girlfriend in Italy.

FantasticButtocks · 22/07/2015 12:52

if he has really changed Hmm What makes you think he might have done? There seems to be no evidence of this whatsoever.

The Italian job has plainly given him the bums rush and he thought he might have you as a reserve option. Why would you want him even if he had changed? He slept with someone else while married to you - he is soiled goods now. It would disgust me to sleep with a man who'd done this while in a relationship with me. Still, each to their own Confused

Twinklestein · 22/07/2015 13:35

He's not even bothered to pretend he's changed, he's just carried on exactly the same. Contacting OW whenever he fancies, booking a holiday with her when you're in crisis talks, potentially seeing her in Milan, every now and then he says he wants to work things out, he shows or doesn't show his phone depending on whether he's deleted their texts or not, I see no sign of any change whatsoever.

I don't know why he's even bothering with that line tbh.

Christinayanglah · 22/07/2015 13:51

Just keep your distance tom, stay on the path you have chosen

I know it difficult and confusing but enforce your boundaries and don't engage with him on this, every time you do it sets you back

This man has lied to you for so long, he undermined and belittled you, he cheated on you whilst trying for a baby, he spent six months in therapy deciding whether he wanted to be with you, he booked a holiday with ow whilst supposedly trying to fix the marriage. He has shown you who he is...believe him

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 22/07/2015 13:56

I have been thinking long and hard. I actually don't want him back, changed or not. I need to make sure I stop being caught unawares and having these conversations with him. It is just a mechanism to keep my head in turmoil and stop me moving on.

When I've been talking to him I feel like my head is in a fog and it takes a while to shake myself out of it.

I've been wondering what the arguments are for taking him back and I haven't come up with one convincing one.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 22/07/2015 13:58

And thank you for keeping talking sense to me xx

OP posts:
BIWI · 22/07/2015 14:00

tom - I've been lurking for a long time, and I have been really moved by your story, but also impressed by your fortitude.

But I have to ask now - why are you continuing to engage with him? Deal with practicalities of handover, but do not talk to him beyond this. No need to have hour-long discussions with him - he's made it very clear what he thinks about you and your relationship.

Good luck.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 22/07/2015 14:12

Honestly? I think he's pushing my buttons still. He caught me unawares. I clearly am atrocious at boundaries with him - it feels like a massive learning curve.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 22/07/2015 14:18

That's why practical solutions are so helpful. Putting actual physical distance between you helps you to get towards emotional distance too. At least it did with me.

BloodontheTracks · 22/07/2015 14:41

Yes you need to orchestrate very strong boundaries, including your home being not his home. This is a pattern we've seen before. Of course you feel confused after emotionally intimate conversations with him, you would feel that with anyone, but especially someone you have a past with. It is like avoiding the biscuit aisle in the supermarket if you want to lose weight. At the moment you have someone bringing the biscuits into your house and sitting them opposite you and giving you a glass of wine! You know what you want to do, you need to arrange your life to help you. This includes finding more comfort and company in the evenings and someone with whom you can share this, not him.

And yes of course he went to Milan to see her. It just happened to be an Italian city, right now? And yes he said 'we haven't made plans to' or whatever because he's a weasel and he was waiting on her to agree or they just literally hadn't outlined when or where they were meeting practically. This way he could say he was 'telling the truth' whilst actually witholding any real, honest information and yet not shooting himself in the foot if he was discovered to have actually seen her. What coy, strategic, cowardly bollocks. Honestly, I despair.

And yes she's backing off, or at least only wants him as an occasional lover not as a proper relationship. Leaving him at a bit of a loose end the rest of the time.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 22/07/2015 14:52

Thank you. I like the biscuit analogy - I tactically never buy the buggers!

You are right - its when he's in the home that I am vulnerable to these conversations. He is taking dd to his parents this weekend and mum is coming next week for a few days which will help.

OP posts:
CateCadiz · 22/07/2015 14:59

Someone who was truly sorry for what they had done, and was desperate to make amends, would be bombarding you constantly with messages of undying love and regret. Not bringing it up on the odd occasion that you are together Tom. I think you know deep in your heart that this man can't give you what you need....and deserve.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 22/07/2015 16:54

There has been no bombarding.

He has been flip flopping between us for so long he still thinks he is the one to have a choice - that he just needs to have a couple of conversations and I will come round.

I feel like the least special person in the world when he is around. It's gone from feeling like his housewife/nanny to feeling devastated to now feeling like a bit of a bitch for saying no more.

Grrr.

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FantasticButtocks · 22/07/2015 18:33

Embrace your inner bitch then! Grin

BloodontheTracks · 22/07/2015 19:07

I think that's really true, tom. I don't think is a man who is used to people making decisions for him. Or to consequences. I think he does believe he could have you again if he just 'says the right things'. That's why I want you to be cautious about what circumstances you allow with him. You know you are vulnerable to it. And who can blame you. But the truth is the truth and the bottom line is the bottom line. You are not being a bitch, and if you are it is entirely justified. I think you need to draw a line for him in an impressive empowered way, you have nothing to apologise for. You are reacting to HIS actions. They have been deplorable. These are the consequences. Because you rate yourself as a human being.

Christinayanglah · 22/07/2015 20:01

Go back to your post on 21 July... What have you learned from it?

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 22/07/2015 20:25

I have a plan, blood. I'm going to start proper separation proceedings but I want to get the job stuff sorted first. I'm plugging away - there are a few jobs in the pipeline so it shouldn't be more than a month or two before I am sorted.

I feel really vulnerable in all sorts of ways and in complete limbo and getting a job represents the first step to independence. I want to have my own money coming in, and have a fresh start. I want to think about something other than home life.

I want to be able to have discussions about the finances and where dd and I live knowing actual numbers rather than talking hypothetically. I want to have discussions about contact knowing what my working pattern will be.

I want to feel stronger before I make the first big move because I need to be able to cope with his reaction, whatever that may be.

I've got a lot more time with my parents in the diary because I know I need the moral support right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 22/07/2015 20:28

Christina - xpost. He's still attempting to manipulate me. I need to create distance. That's what I've learnt I think.

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MsPavlichenko · 22/07/2015 21:26

The thing is, if you really go no contact, his reaction will not be something you need to cope with, observe certainly but not manage. I also think that you won't start to feel stronger until you are properly apart from him (though it may well be worse before it gets better)

BloodontheTracks · 22/07/2015 21:39

That's good about your parents. there's no reason in the meantime why you can't engage with him only over email if you like. good luck with the work stuff. A couple of months will feel like a really long time unless you protect yourself.

I sort of understand what you mean but if you find yourself stringing him along in the meantime, he will use that against you and you have described yourself as becoming weaker each time you engage with him, not stronger, so it's hard to see where that strength will come from in the period pre-work if you foster any hope in him and don't cut him out. I would be very wary of pretending anything. Often in the end we become what we pretend to be.