Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

Well done Tom, you sound very cool and calm today.

Mr Shard excels in being all talk and no action in many aspects of life doesn't he? Your eyes are opening to more and more of the real him now that you are gradually stepping further away from him. I feel sorry for your DD but at least she has an amazing mother to show her how it's done.

Hope you have a lovely weekend

I feel much more like my normal self to be honest.

I'm sure if I can be bothered looking I will find a ton more promises which he hasn't kept - "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" I think is quite an apt quote. I think he has this self image of himself as the good guy and its pretty unshakeable. He isn't though, and very publicly people now know it.

I'm sure at some stage I will be painted as the bad guy. That's ok - the people who know and love me know the truth.

The thing is, he's not getting up with dd at 5 in the morning. He's not comforting her when she's distressed. He's not cuddling and reading to her every night as she falls asleep. He's not playing with her, disciplining her, isn't tuned in to her moods. I haven't stopped him seeing her at all - the level of contact has been driven by him.

Observing all of this, the way he treats my precious girl, is the thing which keeps the cold anger burning. Going through the money today has been a simple exercise which has set what I will and will not accept from him - he is not to ruin out lives any longer.

Strangely its less the contact which I am worried about - the patterns and the precedent he is currently setting won't stand him in good stead.

Dad of the year he is not!

I'm glad to hear that you sound much more determined and positive today.

Absent parents can still be good parents, but he is starting to sound more and more like a 'trophy dad'.

As others have said, once you really start the ball rolling, expect his mood to change.

Have an enjoyable weekend with your DD.

P.s definitely more pictures-especially the ones that your DD does

Pleased to hear you seem more positive in your updates, you should be proud of yourself.

I'm sorry he's not choosing to see more of your daughter, he's missing out on so much. But, she has a brilliant mum who more than makes up for his shortcomings.

I understand what you mean when you say you felt cross that posters were saying things about your husband that you didn't think could be true. I didn't post for a while on your thread, although continued to read, because I sensed that you maybe didn't want to hear what I thought as I didn't think your husband was capable of doing what you needed him to do.

When you've got lots of people telling you something that you don't want to hear and something that still feels alien to your perception of your husband it's really difficult to accept they are right. Sadly, being a bit further down this road than you are, I'm now fully aware that a lot of these men seem to have a pattern to their behaviour and your husband's attitude, like that of my ex, was in the sorry he got caught out and hedging his bets camp.

I don't know if you are aware of it but there's a thread on here called Hobbit's Bar which is a group of us women going through the shit of a marriage breakdown. There's a lot of support and advice on there and we do have a lot of giggles too if you ever want to pop over. Hope you and DD have a nice weekend.

so excited for you and you sound so capable, tom. You don't need someone else to validate you, like he does. You know who you are and what you're giving.

Thankyou for your kind words. I always have been capable, although I think he tried to undermine all of that.

We've had a fab day - a bit of crafting (we made our own set of paper dolls to go with the book) then the cinema and then we had a playdate in the park. My normally reticent little girl kept running away and was clearly the ringleader in all naughtiness which was delightful. It feels like she's coming on leaps and bounds right now - and definitely in the mischief stakes.

It's not great this weekend though. He's away in Italy this weekend and I'm positive he is seeing her. It's the first time they will have seen each other in person since I found out. I felt really lonely last night and when I stop and think it's not a nice feeling.

I'm seeing friends again for brunch tomorrow so have people around. Adjusting to my new life is hard though and I never imagined by life would pan out this way.

I might meander over to Hobbits iwas. I might lurk for a little while first though. Xx

Well their bubble will have burst in Italy anyway. Nasty, sordid little liaisons never seem as shiny and attractive once they're found out.

Ooh I hope so. Hopefully she has kicked his sorry arse so far he's currently completely dazed and confused. He's probably gone on a total charm offensive though and she's too stupid to see the desperation.

I wrote her a letter last night. I won't send it but it felt good to get the words out.

This detaching business isn't very easy.

Tom you know we know, your friends and family know and probably OW know's that she is his second choice--his reserve- his only option. You don't want him so he has had to "pick" her.
If she falls for his charm, she is bloody stupid and deserves evreything that will certainly come her way. He is a liar and a cheat.
When a man " marries" his mistress he creates a vacancy !!! (whither they get marries or not)
You are doing so well, your DD is lucky to have such a strong mummy.
KOKO

That means a lot. Thank you.

I just wish with everything I have that he wasn't the kind of man that could do this, that he had never looked elsewhere, that he had the ability to be a good husband and father. I also just want my friend back.

And this trip of his just confirms he's not what I thought he was. Each time he says something stupid and now he's done this and I'm getting further and further away from wanting to reconcile. It doesn't make me feel strong or capable, just sad.

The practicalities I can deal with but this heartache is far leas easy.

Tom it is all so raw and recent. It has only been a few days that you have definitely said it is all over. It is going to take you a time to recover from the shock, disappointment and heartache that he really is not who you thought he was.

You are grieving for what might have been and what actually was. It's going to take time. Imagine you are your best friend sitting next to you, they'd probably give you a hug and say be kind to yourself, don't expect too much too soon. Small steps, be patient with yourself. Keep your best friend in your inner dialogue, think what advice would you be giving someone else going through this.

You are doing great Tom, even though it doesn't feel like it. You are making big steps forward in creating a lovely stable environment for your daughter.

He isn't the man you thought he was. That is a big shock to the system and is likely to make you feel like you doubt your own judgement but it really shouldn't. You got the best part of him in your daughter, the rest is of no use.

Tom

He really is a narcissistic little twerp isn't he. I think he loves your dd as much as anyone like him can, but having a child is just another thing on his tick list of must haves, it's another image he has created for himself but when you scratch the surface his only real love is for himself

He no doubt will be with ow this weekend, he needs someone that believes his shit, you have saw him for who he really is and he can't handle that

He will be off playing another role now and creating a new image, probably saying he went back to you because he loved dd so much but he just couldn't make it work as he couldn't get her out of his mind....good luck to her if she believes it

Keep going mrs, I know it is tough and you are thinking why you, but remember you could have wasted a lifetime with this man xxx

Its the evenings I'm struggling with. On days like today everything looks possible. I have been out to a belated birthday lunch with 2 girlfriends and we have been busy plotting a big birthday trip to NY for one, alcoholic sleepovers, book club stuff and generally talking about all sorts of nice things.

My friend's dh looked after dd aswell as their 2 and she is happy, sticky and exhausted. My friend's dh got given a bottle of the precious wine collection for his troubles.

Christina - word for word I told my friends that was the line he would have spun her. It is incredibly tempting to send her an email saying "you do know you were second choice don't you?" However, I would rather remain an enigmatic mystery to her and let him focus his attention on her rather than bothering me.

Am lawyered up. We are going to run rings around him. What a complete shame.

I hope you are being sarcastic Tomato A complete shame is how he has behaved and treated you. A complete shame is how he should be hanging his head.

What a complete shame = What the twat deserves

I am, yes.

Wouldn't it be a travesty if somehow I managed to get enough to provide a stable and secure future for us. My SHL's bottom line is enough for us to be ok and we are gunning for more.

Iron fist, velvet glove. We are going to be cunning and do it in such a lovely, nice way he won't figure out he's been stitched up until it's far too late.

Take him to the blood cleaners..get as much from him by fair or foul means--take no prisoners.... l like cunning

Such a travesty -you should be aSHAMEd of yourself

KOKO

He's trying to keep up the dance.

He is still seeing dd in our home the one evening a week he has her, while I go out to yoga. I want to put an end to this. I told him I want him to start having dd overnight once a week during the week rather than seeing her here.

He then asked if I was sure that I wanted to separate. We ended up with another hour long discussion. The upshot is that my decision to separate still stands.

So. His romantic trip to Milan didn't work out, right? And these doubts I'm having? Its just a continuation of the dance - his attempts to suck me in and get my head all turmoiled up again?

If he has honestly changed (as he claims to have done) then the really fucked up thing is that the only test I have is now how he behaves during the separation process. If there is any chance of reconciliation I will only know at the point that I am ready to sign the divorce papers.

So me going ahead with the separation is the only way I get to "win". I either win a nice fresh start to the rest of my life or I win back a humbled version of my husband.

He buggered off to Milan to see OW...and it didn't work out. Shame. Not.

I would move to minimal contact - no more discussions, communication to be only about DC/contact and all contact to take place away from your home.

Yes I think thats right. I'm pissed off that I've been getting more positive and he's come along and buggered me up again.

I told him he had been manipulating me for nearly a year now to get his own way and I was tired of the whole headfuck.

He's changed since planning his week away with ow, whilst telling you he wanted to be with you?

I've seen no evidence of this change. In the middle of crisis talks, just as you were thinking of giving him a second chance he booked a holiday & would be out of email contact. Either intending to go on his own in which case he was prioritising chillaxing over saving his marriage, or with OW in which case I needn't say more.

Then he buggered off to Milan with the info that he was intending to see her.

If anything he's got worse rather than better.

According to him yes.

Do you know what? This is why I've given up and said no more. I can't get my head around the fact he can change so quickly. Either its another manipulation or he's actually changed.

The thing is, I can't take the risk. I can't get manipulated and sucked back in just as I'm tasting a new life. The only way I will know if he's actually changed is through his behaviour from now on and the way he behaves towards me as we separate everything.

Twinkle - yes I think so. I don't know whether or not he did see her in Milan but I suspect the intention on his part was there and if it didn't happen that was her doing.