Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

You poor thing, no wonder you're on the brink of tears.

Im sorry you didn't get the job, but at the same time I think it might be a good thing that you have some more time to lick your wounds and gather some strength. So much has happened in such a short time and it does take its toll physically as well as emotionally.

And its very normal to have asked if the OW was going to be on the trip, and normal to wish you hadn't asked, so next time you wont. You'll remember how bad today left you feeling and you'll fake not being interested until you are in fact totally not interested.

I dont know anything about access arrangements so what way can formal arrangements be put in place? Do you have anyone living close by who can help you with it regularly? And though this may seem extreme is it possible that you move back home closer to family? You parents seem so supportive of you.

I know you think your birthday will be crapola but I think it might just turn out to be anything but. Your going home to your mum and dad, you'll be looked after, and you never know - you may just enjoy your birthday a whole lot more because it is actually better without your husband. You wouldn't be the first to come to that realisation and you certainly wont be the last.

Im very big on birthdays and I wish there was some way we could all give you a big cuddle, a big drink, and an even bigger bit of cake. But we cant so here's to loads of cuddles with your mum and dad, and you never know you might even get tucked in as well.

xxxxx

Tom, I've been lurking on your thread for a while now and been expecting this latest turn of events. He's now switching into inflicting pain and punishment on you because in his eyes you have rejected him. Another part of the playbook I'm afraid. He put the worm on the hook 'I'm off to Milan' knowing it would push a button, you took the bait and asked the question he wanted you to and then pow, right between the eyes. He has scored a direct hit. You sleep walked into that one I'm afraid, but the good news is by seeing what game he is now playing you can put your armour on and be ready next time. In your shoes I would have a selection of go to phrases to avoid being sucked in. Practice, 'really, that's nice', 'okay, thanks for letting me know', then change the subject (have one up your sleeve), if he tries to steer the conversation back then you know what he is trying to do. Rinse and repeat the same phase and then change the subject. Keep doing this until he either gets bored and gives up or gets annoyed in which case you really know what he is up to!

You got played tonight. You reacted exactly how he wanted you to.

Not beating you up but seeing the situation clearly will helped you deal with it.

You must stop letting him into the house to put DD to bed or make sure you aren't hanging around. You are opening yourself up to these emotional guerrilla tactics that he is going to punish you with.

Sorry about the job by the way. I was watching one of those Oprah Winfrey life interviews and they had Susan Sarandon on. I think she is a lovely, wise lady (one of my fantasy BFFs!). Anyway, they asked her how she dealt with so much rejection in her career, she said that she took the view to celebrate rejection because in her eyes it was creating a vacancy for more opportunities to emerge. She said if I was busy doing the job I originally wanted this other opportunity would have passed me by. So you don't know what is around the corner. Be ready and open to possibilities. Something will always come along, it always does. Just be ready to grab it with both hands.

You are due a change of luck and its coming.

Thank you both. I totally walked into that one. Note to self - not again.

I'm going to suggest he just picks up dd one evening (say a Wednesday) after work and then she stays at his overnight before he drops her at nursery the next day. He then has her every other weekend Saturday morning to Sunday evening. Once I get a job I may need to rethink that one based on my hours.

There will be a good job around the corner. I just keep thinking my luck is due to change, and is this it? Is this my break?

I've thought long and hard about moving back. Good schools, family on tap and property is so cheap I could easily buy something nice outright and be mortgage free. I hated growing up there though - it's very rural, I would need to retrain, and I don't have that many friends still there and when mum talks about all the local politics it does my head in. I love living where I do - I have a strong network of friends here, there is a strong sense of community and interesting, stimulating work (if I can just find it).

I think my mum and dad will be taking care of my birthday. There will definitely be cake and bubbly and because of dd we are going to have candles and probably balloons. What more could a girl ask for?

And RaaRaa I now have a horrendous ear worm from your name. Dd loves a bit of time in the jingly jangly jungle!

One last thing. What really hurts is that this is up there in terms of worst times of my life. Definitely top 3 and is a proper contender for #1. I'm at rock bottom. Meanwhile he's moved on already and is planning romantic weekends in Italy.

Tomato even after everything I seriously cannot believe he's planning on going away with her still. Genuinely, I can't get over it. He can't be human.

I don't have much to say I'm afraid other than I'm sorry to hear about the job. And I hope you're okay.

Once again (dearest) Tom, he has shown you who he really is!

A few days ago he wanted to show you his "compassionate side" and yet now, he has other plans, which may, or may not involve OW?

He's not really fighting for you or DD for that matter, is he? It's all about him! I think you were right in asking the question, as it may give you clarification as to his priorities.

You come across as a stunning woman & a fab mum, so from me- have a wonderful birthday, as you deserve it! X

Fearless - I'm really glad you've had that reaction too. She's very clearly a total fool although I don't know if she has agreed. I hope not.

I'm ok. I have dd, family, friends. I'm actually quite resourceful. I just feel very battered and bruised by it all and I wasn't expecting the tears to have become a flood over the last few days.

He's gentle and compassionate because he's feeling guilty.

By choosing to go away the week after us he is not going to have quality time with dd for 19 days. Not that I have counted. So much for daddy of the year.

I'm sorry, tom.

It's worth knowing there is a really common timeframe to an affair break up. The betrayed is traumatised and lost at the same time the cheater is cock of the walk and newly excited. But it very often happens that this reverses itself in the timeframe of about 18mths, two years, the betrayed is just recovering properly and the cheater has all the consequences sunk in at the same time that the new relationship is becoming a LOT like the old one, except much much worse cos of circumstance. This is often when the betrayed meets someone new and the whole thing comes full circle, with them ready to commit to someone kinder and better and the cheater looking to leave their no longer shiny new nightmare.

That makes me feel a lot better thanks Blood. 2 years it is. I'll be having a lovely big birthday party in 2 years and you are all invited.

haha! look forward to it.

I wish you a lovely birthday Tom, surrounded by people who truly love you.

When you get back, please do stick to your plan regarding contact. You absolutely must.

The right job for you is out there, you'll see. Always remember the old saying "what is for you, won't go by you".

Be a little girl again for a few days and let your mum and dad do what only loving parents can. Then come back stronger than ever, and start to plan the life you want for you and DD.x.

Sorry you are so low, and that you didn't get the job.

About him being away and your DD. I've banged on about this before elsewhere. I know your DD loves her Dad, and I don't doubt he adores her. That is not the same thing as being a great, or even good Dad however. A good Dad would not have made the selfish choices he has, or behaved so appallingly towards the mother of his DC. Worth thinking about.

Have as good a Birthday as you can, and look forward to many better ones to come.

Ah Tom he really is an arrogant, narcissistic little man

The right job will come Tom, when you are ready for it, you are going through a lot just now so a little more time to get yourself together won't do any harm

The birthday can be a turning point for you, you can decide that your new age is going to be the start of your new life...without him in it

Let it all out this weekend, be looked after, rest but then enough is enough you need to come back with a different outlook. It's done, he is a selfish, cheating little bastard who doesn't love anyone...you need to treat him as such. Formal separation, limited contact, do not ask about his personal life, only handovers in your home

It's done Tom, it's over and I know the pain of losing the life you had planned is overwhelming but you honestly don't know what is around the corner for you, but you won't ever find it if you are constantly looking back xxxx

Don't think about moving back to the rural area at the moment as that would be yet another upheaval for you and your DD. You are better to stay put and concentrate on being able to see past all your stbx' rubbish. His plans do not matter to you as your marriage is over. You need to start pretending that he is DDs father and nothing more to you, so his little mind games won't work. You will soon find that you won't care about what he is doing as you will see him for the weak, lying, cheating scumbag that the rest of us on MN can see.

Have you seen a lawyer yet? Sorry if I've missed it if you have. I think when you get back from your parents you should make an appointment with a solicitor to start formalising your future financial and contact arrangements so that you both know the marriage is truly finished and you can be free to move on properly.

You are doing brilliantly, Tom.

I was a similar age to you when I divorced my cheating ex. My 40th birthday was brilliant as I had a fancy dress party for all my friends, close family and their DC with loads of cake, wine and cheesy music. Best of all I was single and carefree! I am now in my fifties and very happily married to a wonderful man.

I know your future looks very different to the one you had planned Tom, but you are an intelligent, resourceful woman. You will be fine, whereas he will always be a pathetic, dishonest twit.

I've been thinking about this Tom and I want to link the Milan trip to what I experienced given our circumstances are quite similar in that they involved business trips away from home and someone in a foreign land.

You said that you know his reply to you meant your husband and the OW will probably be together in Milan, but Im not so sure. I assumed my husband was jetting off to the Philippines see the OW and his child every chance he got but I was very wrong. I now know for a fact he didn't see his child in the flesh till he was about 4, and that he only started going to the Philippines around 18 months after our separation. I know this because he had to give my son his passport for something and my son had a look. I also know the other woman wasn't in Dubai because I had copies of all the bank statements detailing her maintenance that was being paid through our office.

You know there's a shadowy figure in the background but that really is all you know and any wrong conclusions you come to are only going to hurt you very badly. And It really doesn't matter now what he does because the very worst of what has happened is over. Yes the future will hurt for quite some time but let your hurt be based on what you know and not based on your mind running riot with you.

I know its easier said than done but it will be much better for you if you can try. When I think of the states I used to get in I really do wish I had saved myself the heartache.

I hope this makes some sense.

xxxx

Thank you everyone. I'm going to be spending a lot of time talking over the weekend with my wonderful parents and I know for my own sake I then need to draw a line and stop ruminating.

Even if he does continue to see her I honestly don't see a long term future for them.

Someone asked about solicitors. I have spoken with one, and I have a recommendation for another who I am speaking with on Monday. I had wanted to get a job sorted before sorting out the financials but I think I need to get some kind of financial agreement sorted out sooner rather than later

I woke up this morning feeling a lot better. Not so close to tears. I have managed to load up the buggy and am in the midst of a journey involving buses, tubes, trains, boats and cars. Dd is busy watching the ipad and I've got a mag to read. When we have our trips like this it feels like a proper adventure.

I'm also reminded how kind strangers are. When dd was tiny I was really nervous about using the tube. I thought I would struggle with the buggy. I started braving the tube when she was about 6 months and not once have I met a set of steps without some kind stranger running over to help. Every time it just reaffirms my faith in human nature.

Thank you everyone. I'm going to be spending a lot of time talking over the weekend with my wonderful parents and I know for my own sake I then need to draw a line and stop ruminating.

Even if he does continue to see her I honestly don't see a long term future for them.

Someone asked about solicitors. I have spoken with one, and I have a recommendation for another who I am speaking with on Monday. I had wanted to get a job sorted before sorting out the financials but I think I need to get some kind of financial agreement sorted out sooner rather than later

I woke up this morning feeling a lot better. Not so close to tears. I have managed to load up the buggy and am in the midst of a journey involving buses, tubes, trains, boats and cars. Dd is busy watching the ipad and I've got a mag to read. When we have our trips like this it feels like a proper adventure.

I'm also reminded how kind strangers are. When dd was tiny I was really nervous about using the tube. I thought I would struggle with the buggy. I started braving the tube when she was about 6 months and not once have I met a set of steps without some kind stranger running over to help. Every time it just reaffirms my faith in human nature.

Thank you everyone. I'm going to be spending a lot of time talking over the weekend with my wonderful parents and I know for my own sake I then need to draw a line and stop ruminating.

Even if he does continue to see her I honestly don't see a long term future for them.

Someone asked about solicitors. I have spoken with one, and I have a recommendation for another who I am speaking with on Monday. I had wanted to get a job sorted before sorting out the financials but I think I need to get some kind of financial agreement sorted out sooner rather than later

I woke up this morning feeling a lot better. Not so close to tears. I have managed to load up the buggy and am in the midst of a journey involving buses, tubes, trains, boats and cars. Dd is busy watching the ipad and I've got a mag to read. When we have our trips like this it feels like a proper adventure.

I'm also reminded how kind strangers are. When dd was tiny I was really nervous about using the tube. I thought I would struggle with the buggy. I started braving the tube when she was about 6 months and not once have I met a set of steps without some kind stranger running over to help. Every time it just reaffirms my faith in human nature.

Does he not realise that by indicating he's still in touch with OW, after having sworn blind for the second time that he couldn't bear to split, showing you his phone etc, proves him to be a fool as well as a lying arsehole?

A fool because you can't take anything he says seriously ever again.

He seems to have no self-respect. How could you possibly not despise him after all this?

For someone who believes himself to have high aesthetic standards over concrete floors and picture frames; he has zero standards in the things that really matter.

His warped sense of pride means he had to imply he would see the OW even if its not true.

My husband used to get himself into pickles like this all the time. He would tell lies so that he didn't look bad/his pride wasn't dented then the lies would make him look even worse. And sometimes you'd see it written all over his face - oh god what say I just do there????

He wants to make it look like well she wants me even if you don't. Bet she doesn't want him though.