Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

Do allow yourself to grieve - not so much him but your dreams and what you thought/hoped you had. And give yourself time.

It also will not do your DD any harm to see that her mother has a full range of emotions and is not "happy happy" all the time. Just ensure she knows she is not responsible for your emotions.

How are you today tom? X

Am ok thanks Christina. Sad, but ok. Still quite close to tears. Although a very silly 2 year old is helping.

I've been thinking about his promises to be gentle and compassionate. It's been a massive eye opener. I needed gentleness and compassion for a long while back. I was really struggling. He just stamped on me (metaphorically). The way he behaved was despicable after I found out too.

I wouldn't ever be able to be vulnerable with him. To be pregnant. To be ill. To be having a tough time at work.

So its the right decision.

I'm planning a gentle day with dd. we have our tuesday morning activity this morning and then lots of books and crafty stuff this afternoon. I think we both need a quiet day.

Good, it sounds as if you need to recharge. The gentleness and compassion should come naturally it shouldn't be something he has to plan to do

Yes, the offer of gentleness and compassion is really quite incredible.

Like that's a thing you turn on and off at will.

That you can actually offer to be nice to your own wife and expect it to be some kind of big deal.

100%. It just clicked when he said he would work at it.

It just IS. You are, or you aren't.

Tom, you are doing brilliantly my love. He has shown himself for what he is and this nonsense about being "gentle and compassionate", surely that's not something you act out?! Stupid man.

Thinking of you

Tom, in the cold light of day the realisations are pretty horrible and Im thinking of you and your wee one.

xxxxxx

One really wants to be with someone who is naturally gentle and compassionate. Not someone who uses the promise of making an effort to be those things as a negotiating tactic.

One is quite astounded that it has to even be thought about and articulated. One has always assumed that kindness and compassion came naturally. One's faber is glasted.

After everything that has happened one has the sense that this is in fact one's bottom line.

One must be ready to boot him up the arse

One is looking for a rather pointy pair of stilettos

Steel toe caps????

Obviously this should be done in a gentle and compassionate manner

Naturally. And very sharp heels just in case a little stamping needs to happen to make that message just a little clearer.

One is actually going to put aside one's natural tendencies and do it has hard as possible. With a little smirk. And maybe a head tilt.

Of course this may happen on a day that you have forgotten to be gentle and compassionate....

Or made a conscious decision not to be.

See I think its always better to stun/anaesthetise them with a Glaswegian kiss whilst pretending your making up with them before you go in for the kill with your heels.

One doesn't want to risk messing up one's makeup though weebirdie

Or end up with a mahoosive bruised forehead!

Needs must girls. Needs must!

How are you?

Very very sad. On the brink of tears most of the time. I didn't get the job I had set my heart on.

He has just done the bedtime routine with dd while I was at yoga. On the way out he said he is going to Milan on a trip he had initially invited me on. I asked if she was going to be there and he said they haven't planned anything yet. Which means he has asked her and she hasn't yet said yes. I shouldn't have asked him. I have to start putting more formal arrangements in place for him to see dd because I 100% need my space.

I thought I was at rock bottom before I had that little nugget. I am now.

I saw our dr earlier for dd and she asked how things were going with #2 so I promptly burst into tears. I'm going back to see her in a couple of weeks.

Dd and I are going away tomorrow with my parents for a few days. She is super excited and I can't wait to be looked after. It's my birthday over the weekend and I'm just hoping this can be the beginnings of a fresh start.

My friend has got her birthday cards muddled up and gave me the 40th by mistake. She sent me a note to warn me and I just thought "I wish. On my 40th all of this shit will be in the distant past and I'll be in a MUCH better place"