If I don't contact him then I have walked away with my head held high
Sorry one more: I WISH I had done this. I feel like shit now he dumped me and apparently doesnt want contact.
I have a whole theory about this - I think it basically applies to interactions between narcissist types (people with NPD, sociopaths or people with just strong narcissistic types) and those who become limerent or obsessed with them (often people with borderline traits).
Namely that the interaction becomes a kind of game where the stakes get higher and higher.
Eg.
Round 1
N (the narcissistic type) chases X. X gets limerent. N then is cruel and cold. X chases. N withdraws. X chases more. Becomes very hurt by Ns behaviour and then backs off (causes Pain Round 1). There is a break in communiction (days/weeks/months as applicable)
Round 2
N (having a gap in his schedule) contacts X. X is thrilled at first and euphoric. If X has the will power to play the game and not fall into his arms straight away, N may chase a bit - but it's an easy prey. All is fine. Then N devalues X and disappears. This time X remembers Pain Round 1 so has Pain Round 1 + Pain Round 2. But also has a dash of hope on the side (he got in touch before).
Round 3
N (once more has a gap - being dumped by a more sensible woman!) contacts X. This time round, X is more cautious having been through this cycle before. X needs N to make more effort and prove himself more - so he needs to do a little bit more hoop jumping to secure the attention and sex. All is fine for a brief moment. Then N gets bored/devalues/finds someone new. This time X remembers Pain Round 1 + Pain Round 2 and also has Pain Round 3. X resolves no contact.
Round 4
X is set on no contact as a method of self protection. She may weaken and contact N or she may tough it out until he gets in touch. But whatever the position is, she feels in order to save face she needs to make more of a "you can't treat me like this" statement. (It's all rubbish because N knows full well X is on the hook or can be tickled back on to it easily). So X will try to do something "different" to make it "different" this time - it could be prolonged no contact (4 weeks instead of 2) or it could be demanding he jumps through more hoops. This time, same result but cummulative pain.
etc etc etc.
in other words, on each fresh cycle the stakes get higher because X suffers more cummulative pain and has the trauma of realising that they are stuck in a cycle; N has to go to a bit more effort each time as X frantically tries to save face and so his devaluations become more and more extreme.
It's like doubling up every round in poker. Eventually someone will end up emotionally bankrupt - but it won't be N.