Does anyone know much about limerence or ever experienced it?

[OneOutOneIn]

It's something I've been reading about recently as I suspect I'm experiencing it with a particular evasive ex but I wonder if the truth is just to get a grip?

Oh broken it's awful. I do hope you can haul yourself out of this horrible situation soon.

If I could only get him. Even though I know he cheats and lies

I know how that feels.

I even think that my LO is a fucking bastard. I still want him......

Anyone here have an absent (or largely absent) parent in early childhood?

Yes , I did. I really do believe children who are abandoned are susceptible to becoming limerent later on. By fixating on these unavailable lovers we are playing out a very old script of trying to prove we are worthy. It's almost as if we believe that if we by make this person love us we can somehow correct what happen to us in early life. It's very sad. If you have never experienced the true unconditional love that a parent should give then you really have no frame of reference for adult relationships. Instability feels normal to me. I'm working very hard on myself to try to love myself and not be fixated on my LO but it's like it's ingrained in me. I can't wait for this feeling to end. It surely has to burn itself out soon. I never ever want to go through this ever again.

In my case, my father was absent most of the year (work) and my mother raised us almost single-handedly. My brother was an extremely difficult child/teen/young adult and when my dad did come home, the stress levels in the house went through the roof as they struggled to cope with him and the stresses on their own marriage. I felt invisible. I left home as soon as I could and never went back. I'm pretty sure all that has something to do with why this relationship has gotten so deep under my skin. My very first real love relationship was limerent too. My relationship with my dh is paternalistic.

It's all so fucked up

I had a stable childhood with both parents. They were married for over 40 years until my father died

I don't know why I am susceptible to becoming limerant. I have had two back to back limerant relationships

Maybe I am needy, or like the attention too much

Mine is as slippery as a fish. Due to the nature of our relationship, I've never spent an extended period of time with him - the longest being ten days. So I never really know how much is smoke and mirrors, and how much is the truth.

When he's with me, he's with me eleventy zillion percent. It's intoxicating. Then when we separate, he vanishes and I'm utterly crushed. Until the next time...

He says he has to recalibrate into his own life again but wtf do I know

This time has been a bit unusual in that he's around. For now

After not hearing from my LO for well over a week, I got a text when he realised I'd blocked him on whatsapp this morning

Which is why you need to block his number on your phone. Make it impossible for him to contact you.

When you replied, did you tell him never to contact you again?

The relationship sucked away my self-respect, dignity and mental health

Please take step one in getting those back. You say you would not leave your children for him. How exciting for him to have an attractive, intelligent women be so mesmerised by him she would even contemplate it. But you know the reality is he doesn't want a real relationship with you and vanishes when you show signs that you're that far gone you're really going to do it.

He has you on a hook and will reel you in when he needs servicing and then cast you aside when he's done. But he won't set you free. You have to do that for yourself. YOU have the power to do this.

He says he has to recalibrate into his own life again

FFS!

I never really know how much is smoke and mirrors, and how much is the truth

I'd wager that very, very little of it is the truth and you actually know fuck all about his life, wife, girlfriends, children...

He has no wife, kids laurie

I've been to his home. Met his friends. Met his family. He's had a few relationships yes. I know about them. It's the silences I cannot stand

We were going to do it once - about ten years ago. Make the break and be together. I told my parents. He came to my home-town and met them. I told my husband.

My husband told me I'd never get the child and that he'd fight tooth and nail. I chose my child. Of course.

We crashed and burned not long after that and no contact for 6 years

What do his friends and family think of your relationship?

It's many years now since I met his family. They probably all believe it's history. They were very kind when I did meet them, as there was already backstory then and he'd left his partner of four years for me.

His friends - some of them are sad for him that he didn't meet someone else and settle down. The rest accept it for what it is.

Seahorse I admire you in your battle with this.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things.

Counselling has helped me in the past, as has being careful about my health, exercise and not drinking too much. I too have an addictive personality. Again, go me

Gonna go for a run now and try and shake some of this off for a while

to all and thank you for replies/insights

I've been involved via long distance with an emotionally unavailable man on and off for the best part of 14 fourteen!! years

The relationship sucked away my self-respect, dignity and mental health

he vanishes and I'm utterly crushed

You are doing yourself, your children and your husband a huge disservice by staying in your marriage and carrying on with this.

My husband told me I'd never get the child and that he'd fight tooth and nail

Why would you not have shared contact?

If you want to be with this man… go.

If you don't want to go, then end this for good because it is incredibly damaging for everyone. Please don't kid yourself that it's not affecting people you care about in ways you don't realise.

Good luck - I really wish you the best.

It's not that simple right now Laurie

Different countries. I have a decent job that I'd never have a hope of replicating in his country not to mind language barriers.

My income is required to run our home/family

There's a possibility my husband would agree to an open marriage - he's not a conventional guy. On the other hand, he might leave me when the children are older. He's not keen to stay where we are forever anyway but it's my home country.

broken we've had weeks, days, 10 days once together.

Longest time no contact at all was a couple of years of no emails/texts. When I saw him again in 2012 it had been best part of 7 years since we'd actually seen each other. After an hour or two it was though I'd seen him the day before.

I think we are both limerent.

Who knows what the hell will happen.

Anyway, I'll bow out - thanks again so much for your thoughts. This thread has been amazing for me.