Ex partner telling me I should not be in contact

[Wideopenspace]

Long story short - my relationship with long term partner ended around a year ago, at my instigation. We have one child. I did not behave well towards the very end (last couple of months) - allowing a friendship to become an EA then making this physical, once, after I had ended things with partner but before I moved out.

Ex is very angry with me, understandably.

I'm not going to justify my actions with a bunch of reasons why I was desperately, desperately unhappy.

So. I will need to remain in amicable contact with ex because of DC, he says I should not have any contact with the OM as a way of making amends for my behaviour. He feels I owe him this, and will not budge from this position.

I just don't think that it how it works. Am I wrong?

Springy - actually my lack of further context was a) to not attempt to justify my affair (for which there is no justification) and b) to not talk about his shit, which I have no right to be discussing on an internet forum. Now a PP has mentioned it, it is also c) in case I am still being cyberstalked

Well actually it's your shit too so you have every right.

Is that somethjng else he's told you?

Twinkle - some of it is shared shit - so stuff that if I say it in the same sentence as 'and then I had a brief EA which then became physical' sounds as though I am trying to justify my behaviour, which I'm not. The shared shit would be a whole other post!

Then there is some stuff which ExP has had to deal with, since me leaving, that has nothing to do with me that has made him getting over me and my affair much more difficult. That's what I meant by 'his shit'.

I haven't told the op to not contact the om, I just don't think it's a good choice.My opinion is just as valid as anyone else's.

I think the ex can request this (because he is hurt) but agree the OP doesn't need to comply.I think it's in her interests however to move on from both men.

And my opinion that your opinion is not helpful is equally valid.

It's not your opinion that matters here but the OP's.

I can just imagine what the 'shared shit' involves OP, based on the details of his behaviour here.

Twinke - I think he and I would give very different accounts of the shared shit - everyone has their own perspective.

I am no angel. And my intention is not to denigrate the father of my child.

You seem immensely self aware and may be overly reasonable.

catmilk - overly reasonable? Can you expand on that? That is interesting - you aren't the first person to say that to me!

Sometimes it's ok to just say fuck it and go with what you want and what's easier for you instead of trying to consider every possible outcome and the effect it could have on absolutely everyone.

Haha..catmilk, are you my RL best friend?

That is (almost word for word) what she said

I don't think I'd personally waste so much reasonableness on someone who was quiet so unreasonable.

Twinkle - it sounds as though you think there might be a finite amount of reasonableness?! So best to save it for those who are deserving?

I think there should be infinite amount of reasonableness available for people who are open to reason.

With someone who is unreasonable, being overly accommodating is a waste of time.

If, when he told you to go no contact with this man, you told him to bugger off, you wouldn't have needed to bother with this thread.

Ultimately, it's about boundaries and judgement.

I think I probably have felt so guilty for letting things end the way they have that I have been much more reasonable than I have felt. Probably to an unhelpful degree, actually.

It's never a bad thing to try to be a good person, but just don't let him take the piss, that's all.

You know, sometimes when it's the partner of the person who had the affair who comes on here whining, it becomes very obvious that the affair was more than justified, because the poster is an arse.

I agree with twinklestein. If you open negotiations with a reasonable compromise, there's no acknowledgement that it is a compromise! and then, the negotiations seem to begin from the compromise and end up being a mid point between the compromise and exactly and wholly what they want.
So I've learned to be UNreasonable opening negotiations with my x. Even though I am very reasonable and that's what comes natural to me!

my x wasn't happy with the way i left/things ended, but he doesn't see that he had made it very, very hard to end the relationship. he wouldn't hear it. so when I escaped basically, he sounded like the injured party. But i'd been trying to tell him for years I was so unhappy.

obviously,two reasoanable people can both open negotiations with a compromise! that is different.