Ex partner telling me I should not be in contact

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Long story short - my relationship with long term partner ended around a year ago, at my instigation. We have one child. I did not behave well towards the very end (last couple of months) - allowing a friendship to become an EA then making this physical, once, after I had ended things with partner but before I moved out.

Ex is very angry with me, understandably.

I'm not going to justify my actions with a bunch of reasons why I was desperately, desperately unhappy.

So. I will need to remain in amicable contact with ex because of DC, he says I should not have any contact with the OM as a way of making amends for my behaviour. He feels I owe him this, and will not budge from this position.

I just don't think that it how it works. Am I wrong?

Viv - so kind of an eye for eye sort of approach? And what would be the most helpful (to our long term co parenting relationship) response, from your point of view?

vivienne you weren't asked to make a judgment on the OPs EA.

Viv will not judge me as harshly as I judge myself Mrs. It was the catalyst to end my relationship.

you can see who you want to see - you do not require his approval or permission. If he asks you anything then surely the only response is it is none of his business?

I see. Man who has an emotional affair is given a roasting and is the very devil himself. Woman who does same gets pat on the head there there you did nothing wrong. It's all the man's fault.

I am concerned that he had been controlling during the relationship and he thinks he can continue to do so.

I'm another one saying he has no damn business dictating to you what you should our shouldnt do. He's an arse and you are well shot of him. Sounds like a total control freak. Distance yourself as much as you can from him. Only discuss matters to do with your son.

He's your ex and thank god he is. I don't care how the end came about, good people sometimes do things that aren't totally commendable in certain circumstances.

Viv, I am trying to engage with what you are saying reasonably, but you seem just intent on having a go.

Vivacia - I think there is something in what you say - although equally perhaps he is just very hurt and angry. There are other things that have made him getting over my actions more difficult (nothing to do with me, his stuff so I don't want to expand)

none of us are condoning an EA - nor are we condoning a controlling arse of a man. I too think he has prob controlled and bullied you for so long you can't see the wood for the trees.

In my book, yes, it usually is the mans fault Vivacia because a vast majority are, sadly, control freaks that think they have "ownership" of women.

He is hurting over your break up and is likely still in love with you. Although you were unhappy, it doesn't sound like he was doing anything especially 'wrong' in the relationship - more that the two of you were no longer compatible and you were no longer in love with him. And you can understand why he has particular resentment towards this man.

However, of course he has no right to ask you not to see this man now you have split up. You are not together anymore and he will have to suck it up and learn to deal with it, no matter how painful it is for him.

To deal with this I would just stick to communicating only about your child. If he tries to talk about anything else just say you are only prepared to discuss your child. Hopefully he will move on soon and you will be able to be co-parent your child together amicably. Good luck.

It sounds to me like he's hurt too and probably doesn't know the extent of the reasons why you ended your relationship.

From seeing it from the other side, he probably said that because he was hurt. In reality, he has no right but I do have some sympathy for him under the circumstances, especially as there is a child involved.

What you did was wrong but I'm not going to berate you for it.

However, there does seem to be some drip feeding going on in your posts.

If you sever ties with this man, your ex will only demand that you sever ties in future. Meet a new guy and he will be on your case, to show him how much you are sorry you should remain single and never be happy.

I'll try and be reasonable then! You have ended your relationship which of course you have the right to do. You've admitted you didn't behave well. Of course he hasn't the right to stop you from seeing other people but he has the right to be annoyed and feel hard done by. You'll just have to deal with it in a sensitive way unless he becomes abusive in which case that's a different story altogether.

No, she doesn't have to deal with it in a sensitive way. She is not his emotional support! All she has to do is communicate about the DC in a civil manner all the things necessary for the DCs welfare. That is all. No matter if she had shagged half the village that is all she should still be doing.

Drip feeding? I hate that expression. Her story is unfolding as many do when the OP has had to live with a controlling arsehole.

You carry on writing when things come to your mind.

The fact you are not in a relationship anymore should mean you don't need to wear the sack cloth and ashes you'd have to if you were staying together. Now is when you can do what you want.

Have you checked your computer for a keylogger? And do tell him that who you talk to now is quite frankly none of his business.

Some here are being very harsh on this man. He has no right to ask what he's asking but he's hurt and he's trying his luck, hoping to guilt OP into not seeing the man he no doubt blames for the end of his relationship. It's totally unreasonable but why does that make him deserving of such vitriol?! Haven't we all behaved in ways we're not proud of at least once in our lives when we've felt angry, hurt, sad, betrayed? We are human after all, not perfect beings that always make the right choices and do the right thing. Hacking into MN was bad but is it any worse than looking at someone's phone or logging into their email? Not really. Lots of people do stupid, desperate things when they feel their relationships breaking apart.

If the gender roles were reversed would the same comments be made?

This is not aimed at the OP - your relationship was floundering (and you've not indicated that it was for any reason other than you were no longer happy), you developed feelings for someone else, your long-term relationship ended and now you're trying to deal with a huge range of emotions including (no doubt) guilt and sadness as well as relief and excitement. It's hard.

I'm not sure I have been drip feeding, have I? I very much do not want to try and excuse my behaviour by claiming it was his fault I was open to an EA because I was unhappy.

I was open to it because I was unhappy, but what I should have done is ended things there and then. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

The general perspective seems to be that I am right in thinking and acting as I have (in terms of post split, I mean). That is comforting - in the face of such absolute conviction from him that I am entirely unreasonable thinking he is wrong, it can be hard to maintain a rational head.

doreen I found a keylogger software device on my PC. Bit freaky, that was.

Magical - I definitely did not start this in order to promote any vitriol, he is not perfect and there were alot of things very wrong, but nothing that is relevant to this thread.

In my experience women tend to have affairs for different reasons than men. A woman is usually pushed by lack of respect and love. A man is usually governed by lack of sex (especially during pregnancy and when the children/child is/are young and needing a lot of attention from the woman). He's no longer "king of the castle".

There are other things that have made him getting over my actions more difficult (nothing to do with me, his stuff so I don't want to expand)

How is that not drip feeding? Along with the information OP left out upthread.

I don't care if you hate that expression.

Half a story.

I know OP, you've just stated the relevant facts and asked for advice on that point. Fair play to you. That's why we need to be objective, see things from both sides and comment on what you tell us rather than inferring!

He may be an arse, he may not, we don't know.

As I said before, good luck with establishing a relationship that works for you both so you do the best for your child. It's still early days and I'm sure things will improve.

I was open to it because I felt utterly lonely, completely undesirable, unsupported and at sea.

That is still no excuse though.