Ex partner telling me I should not be in contact

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Long story short - my relationship with long term partner ended around a year ago, at my instigation. We have one child. I did not behave well towards the very end (last couple of months) - allowing a friendship to become an EA then making this physical, once, after I had ended things with partner but before I moved out.

Ex is very angry with me, understandably.

I'm not going to justify my actions with a bunch of reasons why I was desperately, desperately unhappy.

So. I will need to remain in amicable contact with ex because of DC, he says I should not have any contact with the OM as a way of making amends for my behaviour. He feels I owe him this, and will not budge from this position.

I just don't think that it how it works. Am I wrong?

Hand - who has crust insulted?

Are you even reading your own thread?

Yes thank you hand, I am reading it - it is giving me great perspective from a number of different angles, which is why I posted.

I just can't see an insult - which post are you referring to?

I'm with magical on this, although he can't dictate who you see or don't see, you will need to somehow acknowledge his hurt over your affair. Maybe his feelings weren't so easily switched off as yours? If you read any of the other threads here on the impact of affairs on the one being left you might understand his actions a little better.

OP, look at it this way, his behaviour justifies the fact that you met another man and dumped his sorry arse. People who try to throw their weight about when they've been dumped are people who were not much cop as partners in the first place. If he makes a nuisance of himself, it's OK to take legal action if necessary. It's better to keep things amicable (and your only contact with him to be about childcare and any finance issues not yet sorted) but there's no need to put yourself out to accomodate this loser's childish jealousy.

Dont worry about it OP, it is Friday

always - how though? I have openly told him I know it was wrong. I have apologised.

I ended the relationship, in part, because I recognised the enormity of my wrong doing.

None of this is about my feelings being easily switched off.

...and if this was a woman posting about the end of her relationship with a man who was being EA towards the end of there relationship. would you all be so 'its your life he doesn't have a right etc etc ..

It's Saturday crusts...

Eh? I don't understand your post patchwork?

Solis - that is definitely not a perspective that had occurred to me!

Solid not Solis

Impact of an affair? As stated previously men usually have affairs for much different reasons therefore sometimes it really isnt relevant to "repent". And in this case it isnt.

An arse is an arse, a dictator is a dictator. The OP got out and that's the best thing ever, how she did is neither here nor there.

Shit, so it is! Ive been so busy and dont work a monday to friday normal week

So should I worry about it, as it is Saturday?

op sorry I didn't realise you had already apologised about it, that's always good. You don't need to bend over backwards to try to make it up to him or give in to all his demands. I guess you will just have to give it some time to get over the emotional upheaval and then maybe it will be easier to be amicable.

I would

Always - no need to apologise! I only mentioned apology in response to your post.

Fuck.

This is the thing - I don't judge people who have affairs, they happen for a variety of reasons - not least coz we're probably not designed to be monogamous, but that's a discussion for another time! I try to see both sides of the story objectively and based on the facts.

However, frequently on mumsnet the predominant argument is that there's one rule and set of expectations for men who have affairs (all his fault, all about sex, woman a martyr who can do no wrong) and another for women who have affairs (all about emotions, husband obviously not treating her right, his behaviour drove her to it). It's just not as black and white as that. Both men and women do things for a variety of reasons. Human beings are complex, interesting creatures who sometimes behave badly but on the whole try to do the right thing.

It just surprises me the way assumptions are made by some posters about motivations and blame purely based on gender and not on the situation or facts in hand.

That's not to say that some people who have affairs don't behave abominably nor that some partners perhaps to 'drive' their other halves to affairs. But that's not attributable to gender.

crusts I'm sure there are millions of reasons behind affairs, for both men and women. And both men and women as well as arses and dictators can feel the impact just as strongly.

If you had told him it was over but you were still in the same house until you could sort something else, then it wasn't an affair at that point. Hopefully you didn't have noisy joyful sex in the room next to him, but you were single by then.

I think it would be OK for him to ask you not to talk about the other man, that is just being considerate. But you were single once you said it's over, and you are now.

Your ex does sound controlling. He doesn't sound like he listened when you said you wanted to break up, he put a key logger on your computer, he is insistent that you must see this other man. None of those are good things.

If you had come on here several months ago, and said you were desperately lonely and unhappy, your partner was watching your movements and cyberstalking you, and you had really fallen for another guy, do you know what you would have been told? Break up with partner, then see if you want a relationship with the new guy. Which is what you did.

Ye, you got emotionally involved before you made the break, but it sounds like you waited until it was over before anything physical happened. You probably should have ended things earlier, or kept distance from the other guy fir longer, but you don't owe your ex endless sackcloth and ashes. It's over, you both move on.

Magical I think you are right that assumptions can be made about all sorts of things based on gender - it is easy to fall in to the trap of stereotyping I think.

I have no sympathy with arses.

Men and women are different though and gender does play a role.

I think people are different rather than men are like this and women are like that.

Though, as a primary school teacher, I have heard myself making generalisations about boys and girls so I'm guilty too!

It's an interesting discussion - though apologies to OP for hijacking the thread!