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Original poster

Ex partner telling me I should not be in contact

169 replies

Wideopenspace · 27/06/2015 19:25

Long story short - my relationship with long term partner ended around a year ago, at my instigation. We have one child. I did not behave well towards the very end (last couple of months) - allowing a friendship to become an EA then making this physical, once, after I had ended things with partner but before I moved out.

Ex is very angry with me, understandably.

I'm not going to justify my actions with a bunch of reasons why I was desperately, desperately unhappy.

So. I will need to remain in amicable contact with ex because of DC, he says I should not have any contact with the OM as a way of making amends for my behaviour. He feels I owe him this, and will not budge from this position.

I just don't think that it how it works. Am I wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wideopenspace · 27/06/2015 22:50

Nah, hijack away. Grin

I have taken what I need from this.

OP posts:
TRexingInAsda · 27/06/2015 22:55

You don't need to make amends - you're not together anymore so it's none of his business who you're seeing and he should not have any control or say on your personal life at all. You have done the right thing to maintain communication focussed on child issues only - anything else is not his business. Even if this makes him a bit frosty now, it's worth it to have the position clear when it comes to what he can and cannot tell you to do.

newstart15 · 27/06/2015 23:10

Is your ex asking you to not continue with OM as he feels it will impact your joint parenting? If this is the case then I can see how he may need time to ensure you are not introducing your dc to OM.He can't demand it however.It is undoutably harder to co parent if the OM/OW appears to be on the scene and in a 'step- parenting' role.

In these situations it's often advised that the OM does not meet the children for at least 6 months.

I advise anyone who has ended a marriage to stay single for a considerable period of time as it really should be a time of healing.Its unlikely the OM was 'the one' he was more likely your exit strategy.For your sake I would advise taking a break from any relationship as you need to relearn who you are.A new relationship is often a bandage and a few years down the line problems will appear again.

Original poster
Wideopenspace · 27/06/2015 23:14

newstart - no, it has nothing to do with that. I'm not IN a relationship with OM. I have contact with him, but have not actually seen him since the one off physical thing.

I am single.

I absolutely would not e introducing another person into DC's life. And I would happily work with ExP when/if that happens in the future.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 27/06/2015 23:42

I can quite see how he could make completely unreasonable demands in his grief.

I don't see evidence he is controlling. Or an arse. He has been cheated on and lied to and his marriage is over as a result. Im not surprised he's off his head.

But op you seem determined to keep details close to your chest and are being indulged in that for some completely incomprehensible MN reason...

springydaffs · 27/06/2015 23:45

And please don't ask me what I mean op. It's clear what I mean. You have a number of times asked detractors what they mean when they have been quite clear.

Original poster
Wideopenspace · 27/06/2015 23:47

Which details do you need, springy, to better assess the situation?

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 28/06/2015 00:35

The fact that this man installed a keylogger is evidence enough that he's an arsehole.

I am quite often in favour of affairs - as a way of gathering the strength and confidence to dump an abusive partner (if you live with a bully, you often begin to believe that you are ugly, worthless, unlovable, and it's only when someone else demonstrates an interest in you that you begin to rebuild yourself). They can also be a catalyst for breaking up a dull, stale relationship that hasn't previously been 'bad enough (no violence or spite, just endless niggling and tedium)' to end.

And the more aggressive, demanding and punitive the other partner becomes, the more justification there was for the affair in the first place. Yes, it hurts when a partner prefers someone else, and it's not wrong to feel hurt and anger, but human beings are not property and if you get dumped you basically have to suck it up.

sykadelic · 28/06/2015 06:08

SGB no it's not evidence he's an arsehole. It's evidence he didn't trust her, and, as it turns out, for good reason. He could be an arsehole but it's not indicative of it.

OP To go all the way back to your OP, yes I do sort of understand where your ex is coming from with the OM/no contact thing. It does feel hugely insulting that you would continue to contact/have a relationship with someone who assisted in hurting your ex/breaking up your family.

It doesn't mean it's rational, it doesn't mean it's fair, but he feels that if you stopped contacting the OM you would be showing him that you really are sorry that things ended the way they did and you are sorry for causing so much pain and hurt. You would show that his feelings about the OM matter, and you don't want to hurt him.

Not sure I agree that it would help. Rationally what you do doesn't affect him and if you really do want to continue to contact OM that's your business. But if you're not fussed about it either way, I'd just step back contact a bit. BUT if he is a controlling arse then I would just ignore his opinion about it. It's been a year, it's about time he moved on.

GrumpleMe · 28/06/2015 06:32

How would he know whether you were/were not still in contact with this other man?

Unless you are rubbing it in his face, then you ARE being respectful of his feelings. Keep being discreet and he never needs to know. And nor should he.

Isetan · 28/06/2015 07:47

You've split up and he therefore your Ex has no right to make this demand of you but I can understand how your Ex feels because being cheated on and having the object of that deceit still on the scene, is very painful.

The fact you're confused and asking the question, suggests you have a lot more work to do on yourself. The thing about using a new relationship as the exit to an existing one, is there is no time to reflect. I learnt so much about myself during the postmortem of my last relationship and although DV forced my hand in ending the relationship, it was very important for me to understand why I stayed and fought to stay, in a dead relationship for so bloody long.

Have ever looked back and examined your unhappiness in your relationship with your Ex. I understand the instant gratification of a new relationship, especially when your current one is unfulfilling but I don't understand the internal dialogue with oneself where 'being unhappy' is a legitimate excuse.

Your Ex is misguided enough to believe he still wields influence in your sexual relationships, he doesn't but he's not only one who is misguided in this regard. Detach from your Ex and both of you will have to accept that your exit affair, will probably have a lasting effect on your future relationship.

PushingThru · 28/06/2015 07:56

The OP has asked for views on a specific quandary she has, but it's being derailed by judgements about affairs & generalisations about women vs men which are offering no insights at all! Your ex can't control who you can & cannot have relationships with as a condition of co-operative parenting. It basically amounts to blackmail, with a child being the collateral damage. Yes, you behaved badly & you should proceed with sensitivity but you would be setting a really regrettable precedent if you were to allow him, an ex, to control you in this way.

GrumpleMe · 28/06/2015 08:09

He's just trying it on, OP. He knows as well as you do he has no say in whether you stay in contact with the other guy.

I'm sure he'd be shocked if you said 'OK, out of respect for your feelings I will have nothing more to do with him.'

And then he will come up with another demand request.

Because in his eyes (and the eyes of some people on this thread), you will always be in the wrong and he will always have the moral high ground.

DoreenLethal · 28/06/2015 08:23

SGB no it's not evidence he's an arsehole. It's evidence he didn't trust her, and, as it turns out, for good reason. He could be an arsehole but it's not indicative of it.

Installing a keylogger is not the way to go about it. It really isn't. And anyway - the relationship is well and truly over and she has no reason to pacify him about who she does and doesn't talk to.

Garlick · 28/06/2015 08:30

I don't see evidence he is controlling. Or an arse. - You don't? I do. Here's some:

~ I felt utterly lonely, completely undesirable, unsupported and at sea.
~ I found a keylogger on my PC.
~ He says I should not have any contact with the OM as a way of making amends.

You don't owe him any 'amends', Wide. Proving remorse is for when you're trying to rebuild a relationship, not when that relationship's over.

The alternative to rebuilding, with remorse et al, is setting the partner free. You have done this.

No-one who causes their partner to feel completely undesirable & unsupported deserves the kind of support he's demanding.

His feelings are hurt. You've understood that and been as sorry as all get-out. You've done enough. Keep going with the minimum contact, refuse to discuss his feelings or yours, and march forward with confidence!

GammonAndEgg · 28/06/2015 09:09

I just think that no matter how a relationship ends, once it's ended, it's ended.
And then you need offer/expect civility and communication about DCs.
That's it!

mummytime · 28/06/2015 09:31

In circumstances where a H has an affair which leads to a split. The W is advised here regularly that she can ask for the DC not to meet the OW for at least 6 months but that she can't for the H to comply.

The OP on this thread has stated no intention of the DC meeting the OM. Her EX has no right to ask more of her, what she does with her private life is no longer of any concern to him as long as it doesn't affect the children.

It doesn't really matter if he is a controlling arse or a loving committed husband. He is now an EX.
The key logger would tend to indicate the former. But whatever this was a relationship breaking down, and both parties behaved badly towards the end. But they have now split and need to get on with building their own separate lives.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/06/2015 09:33

Garlick
"~ I felt utterly lonely, completely undesirable, unsupported and at sea."

Could mean a lot of things, not necessarily an arse or controlling

"~ I found a keylogger on my PC."

Isn't this just following the MN rules about following your gut, looking at/hacking partners phones and being told (as some posters have been) to install a keylogger?

"~ He says I should not have any contact with the OM as a way of making amends"

No different from the posters on here that don't want their exes not to introduce the new/other woman in to their children's lives. (although the answers have been the same on this thread).

GrumpleMe · 28/06/2015 09:40

Completely different to those who don't want the OW to be around their kids.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/06/2015 09:54

Grumple

Why is it completely different?

tribpot · 28/06/2015 09:59

Yes, it is different. OP's ex is demanding she have no contact with the OM, not that she does not introduce her children to him. He would be quite right to ask for the latter, he has no right to ask for the former.

Original poster
Wideopenspace · 28/06/2015 10:05

Isetan - I am not in a relationship with the OM, other than friendly contact, (and were I still with my ex, I would completely agree that this would be inappropriate and would go non contact) I haven't seen him since the one occasion I referred to at the start of this thread. I agree I have more work to do on myself, but I have been more reflective than just 'I was unhappy' - I just don't think my reasons for wanting out or my reasons for a like such a complete arse at the end are necessarily relevant to the situation I wanted perspectives about on this thread.

And I think if I catalogued then now I would be deafened by shouts of 'DRIP FEED' Grin

I certainly am not introducing anyone to my DC - he is my absolute priority. Followed by me.

I'm gobsmacked that anyone thinks the keylogger thing is ok - fwiw the ONLY thing he 'found out' about me from that, which he then emailed me, were some MN threads, one about him, one about a very difficult situation with my parents when I was little. I have no idea how long it had been there for and I found it accidentally I had told him I wanted it to end, but before I moved out.

OP posts:
GrumpleMe · 28/06/2015 10:09

Because we are talking about kids, rather than a grown woman who is now single.

Can you imagine a woman expecting her Ex to stay away from the OW to spare her feelings? And him thinking that was a reasonable request, and complying? He'd be more likely to laugh in her face. Or just lie.

tribpot · 28/06/2015 10:10

We aren't talking about kids. The OP has stated several times she is not in a relationship with the OM and has no intention of introducing any new partner to her children even if she had one.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/06/2015 10:26

"Can you imagine a woman expecting her Ex to stay away from the OW to spare her feelings? And him thinking that was a reasonable request, and complying? He'd be more likely to laugh in her face. Or just lie."

Yes I can, and why would the OP's ex be under the impression that she was telling the truth? Her record isn't great (I do believe that the OP is being honest about not seeing the OM)

I also took no contact to mean with the children. my bad.