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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex partner telling me I should not be in contact

169 replies

Wideopenspace · 27/06/2015 19:25

Long story short - my relationship with long term partner ended around a year ago, at my instigation. We have one child. I did not behave well towards the very end (last couple of months) - allowing a friendship to become an EA then making this physical, once, after I had ended things with partner but before I moved out.

Ex is very angry with me, understandably.

I'm not going to justify my actions with a bunch of reasons why I was desperately, desperately unhappy.

So. I will need to remain in amicable contact with ex because of DC, he says I should not have any contact with the OM as a way of making amends for my behaviour. He feels I owe him this, and will not budge from this position.

I just don't think that it how it works. Am I wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wideopenspace · 28/06/2015 10:31

Boney - it would be extremely easy for me to lie to my ex in order to keep the peace - I could say 'Ok, I won't have any contact with X'. One of the reasons I have not done that is because my ex felt the dishonesty was one of the most difficult bits for him to deal with.

Are you saying it it reasonable for him to expect me to go no contact, despite being me ex?

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 28/06/2015 10:36

Wide
I did post that I believe that you are no longer seeing the OM, and thought that "no contact" was to do with the OM seeing the DC then he would have a point.

But he IBU to tell you to stop seeing the OM.

Icimoi · 28/06/2015 10:36

He says that it is about me taking responsibility for my actions and showing remorse.

Point out that he also needs to take responsibility and show remorse for shitty things like putting the key logger device on your PC, stalking you on MN and overall lack of support. And if he's not willing to do that, then he doesn't get to control what you do now.

Twinklestein · 28/06/2015 10:38

Posters are assuming that the keylogger was put in in response to his suspicions about OM.

However, given his attempt to control you post relationship and your confusion over boundaries, my hunch is that he was equally controlling within the relationship, and the key-logger may have been on for a long time.

GrumpleMe · 28/06/2015 10:41

Just be careful he's not still keeping tabs on you somehow.

Original poster
Wideopenspace · 28/06/2015 10:47

Grumpie - HOW?

I am relatively paranoid actually. I suppose it is possible he could be reading through MN and looking for posts he recognises. It would be interesting for him to read this actually, because in general he would take the message that he is being UR.

OP posts:
Icimoi · 28/06/2015 10:53

But op you seem determined to keep details close to your chest and are being indulged in that for some completely incomprehensible MN reason...

WTF? Springydaffs, what is this nonsense about "indulging" the OP? I'm very happy to say that I know of no rule that anyone has to post every gory detail that other posters might conceivably think to be relevant every time they raise an issue on here. It's completely up to her what details she wants to reveal; if anything, I find it quite admirable that she doesn't want to post a load of personal information about her ex that might justify why she was so miserable.

GrumpleMe · 28/06/2015 10:57

Has he ever had access to the computer or phone you use now? If so, and based on his history, he could have installed key loggers/apps/gps tracking etc. Or just the old fashioned way of asking other people what they know...

Hopefully it's not likely. Try not to be paranoid, just aware that it's possible.

Original poster
Wideopenspace · 28/06/2015 10:57

Thank you ici - I really appreciate that post.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wideopenspace · 28/06/2015 10:59

grumpie - No. I couldn't shake my paranoia about my old computer even after I moved out, so I rather flouncily took it to the local dump. Grin

Phone is also post move out.

OP posts:
Isetan · 28/06/2015 11:07

So your Ex wants you to stop being in contact with someone you're not in contact with, why is this even taking up headspace? Your relationship with this man is over and the only reason you're still in contact with this him is because you have children, he is not a friend.

Continue working on yourself and hopefully you will come to the conclusion that Ex's can't dictate who you can and can not contact.

Original poster
Wideopenspace · 28/06/2015 11:12

Isetan - I am in contact with OM, but not in a romantic way and I haven't seen him, we just talk sometimes.

I'm not sure why it is taking up headspace - I suppose he has been so unequivocal that I am unreasonable that I wanted to check if he had a point!

OP posts:
CatMilkMan · 28/06/2015 11:22

I can completely understand him being bitter/angry/jealous but that's his problem not yours and he can't tell you who you can be friends with.

newstart15 · 28/06/2015 11:36

I think it's often the case that partners who suspect an affair do take covert action, snooping on phones or PCs.Its often advised on MN to get evidence before confronting the partner as people who have affairs deny and minimise.My DH is a technie so would naturally take a technie route...women often used private detectives so can we really judge the method?

I don't think you can ever justify an affair, if you're unhappy work out why and try to change it.If you can't then leave.My dh's ex had an affair and remained in contact with the OM.DH didn't like it but accepted there was nothing he could do.Its unpleasant to think you ex is sharing details/photos etc of your children with someone who has contributed to the marriage ending and obviously has no regard for you.In dh's case the ex remarried but kept in contact with the OM and eventually restarted her affair.Her 2nd husband was not aware of the "friends" history. I can't see why she remained in contact, other than to keep him in reserve should she become 'unhappy' again which of course happened.

Op, it is extremely difficult to be amicable with an ex when you had an affair, you have not proven to be trustworthy and no doubt you lied to your ex husband on many occasions.If the OM isn't someone you will have a relationship with then I would recommend breaking contact as he could become your reserve.This is not a good choice as he's unlikely to be your ideal partner.Do this for you not your ex.

Start afresh, work out what sort of partner you want, learn why you couldn't leave the marriage without an OM in the wings and you will be in a better place.

butterflygirl15 · 28/06/2015 11:51

of course him being upset about infidelity is understandable - but keylogging and telling an ex who they can and can't see is not acceptable at all. I am astounded folk think that is ok!

Twinklestein · 28/06/2015 11:54

No-one has any idea how long the keylogger was on newstart. Given ex's behaviour post-split, I'd put money on him being controlling within the relationship, and the keylogging may have been part of it.

As for telling the OP she must stop seeing this man: it's as little business of yours as it is of her ex's.

Sigma33 · 28/06/2015 12:11

You've ended the relationship and apologised for your mistakes.

OM does not have any impact on DC.

It is none of ex's business whether you are/are not in contact/shagging like rabbits (see point about no impact on DC).

You could always acknowledge why he feels strongly about the situation, BUT the boundary is now that your only relationship with ex is as parents of DC. The rest of your life (love, work, elderly parents, political persuasions, whatever) is nothing to do with him.

Isetan · 28/06/2015 12:17

It appears the dysfunctional dynamic between you and your Ex continues. What's done is done and neither you or your Ex can temper the pain of your past actions, by setting and following such a condition. Your Ex has every reason to not trust you but your split has severed your responsibility to investing in regaing his trust.

Detach, detach, detach.

fedupbutfine · 28/06/2015 12:19

no it's not evidence he's an arsehole. It's evidence he didn't trust her, and, as it turns out, for good reason. He could be an arsehole but it's not indicative of it

I agree with this. I had no idea my ex was having an affair. Except there was a nagging voice at the back of the mind - for quite some time. My ex walked out and continued to lie about the existence of the other woman over a 6 month period. By that point, I literally thought I was going mad. I can understand how someone might see a key logger as a means by which to get answers. In those circumstances, it is not by any means evidence that a person is controlling. People who have affairs lie...and they lie a lot. Getting answers when you're the one being cheated on is important - if only to give you the freedom to get on with your own life. The suggestion that simply wanting to get on with your life is somehow 'controlling' is laughable.

handfulofcottonbuds · 28/06/2015 12:28

He "found" my MN account previously and C&P lots of my posts and emailed them to me after we had split

He found it because he'd put a keystroke device on my computer, I think

It's not definite that OP's ex used a keylogger. It's just her suspicion.

Original poster
Wideopenspace · 28/06/2015 12:35

No, handful - he definitely put a keylogger on my PC, I think that is how he found my MN account. He could have found that another way, I don't know.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 28/06/2015 13:19

He is allowed to be hurt, angry, hate you, whatever, but he has no right to try to stop you seeing a new man when you are he are no longer together. It's nothing to do with showing remorse, it's to do with trying to punish you forever and control what you do once you're no longer his concern. And he has no right to do that, whatever the situation and whatever you've done.

ShebaShimmyShake · 28/06/2015 13:20

Oh my. So he tries to stop you pursuing relationships when it's over between you and logs your computer? I have no doubt you had excellent reasons for doing what you did.

YesThisIsMe · 28/06/2015 15:51

Your ex appears to think you are in a Graham Greene novel.

I'm pretty sure that if a woman posted
"My DP was have an EA which then turned into an actual affair and we broke up permanently. I am devastated. AIBU to tell him never to see the OW again to demonstrate that he's truly remorseful?"
Then she'd get sympathy by the bucket load but would be told that her ex's sex life was no longer hers to control.

springydaffs · 28/06/2015 16:50

Ah, I see your general evasion is bcs you feel he may still be stalking you somehow. I get that and the reason for it.

He is being absurdly unreasonable but it's understandable. Wacking him with harsh boundaries may not be appropriate - but you know him, we don't. Boundaries, definitely, but you don't have to be harsh about it - if he is an abuser then harsh boundaries aren't wise (bcs abusers come back with bottomless revenge); if he is smashed up bcs of the betrayal/lies/loss then being harsh on top is only going to add to his pain. Boundaries can be firm and immoveable without being harsh.