Am I wrong to be really upset? tmi!

[mrsvindiesel]

I can't sleep and fighting back tears
my partner is snoring beside me, today for once he was feeling horny it seems as was sending me messages at work about what we should do later
it was nice for once as he never does this! but in reality it was awful
his ideas sounded great, bit porn-y but he is a bloke and I got caught up in the thrill of it I guess
when we actually got to bed it was all about him, god I'm sorry if this is far tmi but I have to be frank unless it doesnt make sense!
he wanted to kneel infront of me and me give him head so he was in control apparently, I let him but he was getting too into it I guess and kept choking me making me heave and like I couldnt breathe I felt panicked and wasnt enjoying it at all
In the end I grabbed him and pushed him off and turned over quietly crying to myself.
he did keep asking if I was upset and I said no I'm fine but it was obvious I wasn't as he said I was making him feel guilty and to stop it.
I dont know what to think or say now, maybe what ive put on here doesnt paint the picture to the full and sounds petty but it was awful
I lay and silently cried till he went to sleep, ive never had a sexual experience especially with someone thats meant to love me like that
please someone say I'm not overreacting I dont even want to look at him at the moment I feel so hurt

Tell your friend what happened and listen to her response.

The reason why you wouldn't tell your friend? Because you want to minimise what has gone on (please don't)? Because you feel shame yourself (you haven't done anything wrong)? Because you don't want to face having to leave him? (it's that or more of last night to look forward to).

Tell her. See what she says. She knows him better than we do.

What other incidents? Maybe you should call Women's Aid too?

I agree - tell your friend. His behaviour is not your fault, nor is it your shame. It is purely his.

OP I have just read all of this thread and firstly I want to send you a big hug. All the posters on here are spot on, this guy is a selfish twat. I was married to someone like this and went through 6 years of his porn style abuse. Please get rid of him today, before things get worse I was young and naive and so wanted to please my bastard ex that I didn't see him as abusive until the DV started. Get out now your guy is selfish and abusive and dominating and for your sanity's sake run for the hills. That is what I should have done but had my courage and self esteem taken by an abusive fucktard. Result, I now find it impossible to form a relationship because as soon as a man touches me I run. This is your chance pack his bags and get rid. You deserve better,

I am embarrassed to tell her I dont know why?
she is so happy with her partner I dont want to admit mine is this bad I havent heard off him since earlier but havent contacted him either like I normally would
I dont even know what to say to my friend let alone him

I'm not surprised you were upset. That was beyond nasty of him.This is the sort of situation where it's not possible to be too quick to say LTB. He has no respect for you and couldn't give a shiny shit about how you feel or what you get out of the relationship.

Be honest with your friend. The fact that she's in a good relationship and doesn't sound likely to minimise your experience with this tosser will make her a good ally. She's going to sense that you're upset, anyhow, so you might as well get it out there.

Hi, I've just read the full thread. At first I thought it could be an isolated incident which could be talked about and more on from from your updates, it doesn't seem like he is a man who cares about your feelings or satisfaction at all. He doesn't seem to respect you. For me, it would be a deal breaker and I would tell him that last night was the final straw and you will not be with a man who doesn't respect you or women in general.
I'm so sorry that this is going on for you and I hope you can move on with someone who deserves you

*moved on from but from your updates ...

Try to tell your friend. Get her to read your OP. I'm sending you big hugs.

Could you show your friend this site? Or is that too much. However you tell her you just need to. She won't judge you. One day you will be in a relationship just as strong as she is. But if you don't do something about thisbasapnyou won't because you will be too damaged. Why don't you tell her a friend of a friend has had this done to her and then she will guess its really you ...

I will try and tell her tonight yeah as she will sense I'm upset anyway
theres alot more to the house move than just pulling out but I cant explain on here as dont want to say enough to out myself incase anyone he knows sees my thread
by other "incidents" I dont mean disastrous sexual experiences just some stuff hes done in general thats upset me that I told my friend about....and then he went mad that I told her

feel like I can type all the gory details on here but saying it out loud just makes me want to cry makes it more real somehow
I honestly thought id feel better about it today but without meaning to sound like a drama queen I feel a bit traumatised
maybe I could send her a message saying pls still come tonight but I need to tell you this 1st as im struggling to say it out loud?
she will go nuts I know that already ....

Ok, as long as its in your head that you know that your right. He's in the wrong. This has got to stop. You have support. Your better then him. Good luck. I'm so glad you have a friend to talk to, because some don't have that. I'll be allright you will x

U'll be all right *

you can get out of this now fairly easily. don't buy a house, don't have children, don't create ties that are more complicated to dissolve. Right now all you have to do is say 'I don't want to see you any more, goodbye' by text or phone and that's it. Done. You don't ever have to see him or speak to him again.

He is abusive. Just from that one instance it's obvious to everyone but you - and you are starting to see it. I hate to scream abuse over every little thing but this really really was. Rough sex is fine is both want and enjoy it. It is abuse if it's forced on one person by another. He knew perfectly well you were gagging and choking and panicking. He just didn't care. It's a big thing in porn right now. I've seen some and it's horrible, the pain and fear in the woman's eyes even though she's trying to fake enjoying it. There's no pleasure for her. It's for money only. It's acting. No one could possibly watch that and believe it was genuinely fun for the woman.

I've gagged a couple of times even though I stay in control and DP jumps away and makes sure I'm ok. This is how normal non-abusive men deal with it.

You don't have to be with this abusive creep.

I'm struggling to come to terms with people calling it that....but not minimising though
I guess naively I thought that wasnt something that happened with your partner or my partner I guess
he would NEVER in a million years see this as bad as people have said on here. he would say he got caught up in the moment, thought I wanted it, and then after I was overreacting/trying to make him feel bad/being oversensitive
not that any of this makes any difference
sorry if I'm rambling I'm just thinking out loud and trying to make sense in my spinning head
feel sick at the thought of telling my friend later

Don't allow yourself another minute to feel how your feeling. Switch it off before it gets worse. Look to your future. Use the money from the house sale (only abit like, you will be buying a house with another lovely man one day) to treat yourself. Stop playing last night around in tour mind. Press the pause button and laugh at the dirty bastad.

I will admit to occasionally enjoying deep throat - my partners know that it can be uncomfortable and they are watching for the first sign that their enjoyment is causing me too much distress. This is because they care about my pleasure and enjoyment too.

Do not believe him for a second if he says he got caught in the moment - if it was just that then he would have been apologising profusely and berating himself for being selfish/stupid. He would not be minimising your distress. Please do not let him minimise or suggest for a second that you are over-reacting.

I'm so sorry you're going through this my love. Take care of yourself and keep talking. You've done nothing wrong x

Even if he hadn't been so aggressive with you last night, were you really prepared to settle for a man who can hardly be arsed to have sex and when he does its entirely for his pleasure?

Please don't sell yourself so short.

Just tell your friend that he has crossed a line and you want out. Then take it from there.

End it, take care of yourself and talk to rape crisis about the details, if you do not want to go there - they will have heard it all.

You are a kind, loving person and you need someone who will be the same with you.

You sound lovely, you've done nothing wrong and you are worth better than this. Untangle yourself as soon as possible from the house arrangements however complex and fine the kind, loving man you deserve.