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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I wrong to be really upset? tmi!

321 replies

mrsvindiesel · 25/06/2015 01:08

I can't sleep and fighting back tears
my partner is snoring beside me, today for once he was feeling horny it seems as was sending me messages at work about what we should do later
it was nice for once as he never does this! but in reality it was awful
his ideas sounded great, bit porn-y but he is a bloke and I got caught up in the thrill of it I guess
when we actually got to bed it was all about him, god I'm sorry if this is far tmi but I have to be frank unless it doesnt make sense!
he wanted to kneel infront of me and me give him head so he was in control apparently, I let him but he was getting too into it I guess and kept choking me making me heave and like I couldnt breathe I felt panicked and wasnt enjoying it at all
In the end I grabbed him and pushed him off and turned over quietly crying to myself.
he did keep asking if I was upset and I said no I'm fine but it was obvious I wasn't as he said I was making him feel guilty and to stop it.
I dont know what to think or say now, maybe what ive put on here doesnt paint the picture to the full and sounds petty but it was awful
I lay and silently cried till he went to sleep, ive never had a sexual experience especially with someone thats meant to love me like that
please someone say I'm not overreacting I dont even want to look at him at the moment I feel so hurt

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 25/06/2015 13:12

This is your wake up call to get out of this in satisfying relationship. Don't make excuses for him. The past three years have been crap- don't sign up for more of it. You Will be miserable with this man.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 25/06/2015 13:12

Unsatisfying!

Original poster
mrsvindiesel · 25/06/2015 13:14

I do lack confidence being assertive and he knows this.
The "I'm not talking about this" line is not a new one its one he uses whenever I'm upset, he's always too tired, stressed with work or his mum or such like and he can't cope with talking about it now.
seems like there's never a right time for me to have any feeling but adoration for him

OP posts:
VinoTime · 25/06/2015 13:16

I haven't told very many people this but as a teenager, a boyfriend of mine did something similar with me - but didn't stop. I was naive, young and very inexperienced and he had watched some porn and had "an idea". I won't go into the details as I don't like remembering it at all, but when he eventually let go of my head (after I had been thumping his legs for ages to try and make him stop) I vomited badly. And when I asked him why he didn't stop straight away, why he had been so forceful and why he had let me get into such a state, he just casually said, "You were supposed to. That was the whole point." Sad I'm guessing it all played out exactly as it had in whatever porn movie/clip he had seen. He seemed to think that it was perfectly acceptable and that I would enjoy it because the porn star had Hmm When I told him he had forced that on me despite me obviously trying to make him stop and how that constituted a form a rape, he was genuinely confused. His attitude was very much: But you were supposed to like it. You were supposed to find it a turn on.

I ended things immediately but I have had so many issues throughout my adult life when it comes to oral sex, and all because of that one time over 10 years ago. For a long time the thought of performing oral sex on a man was enough to make me break out in sweaty panic. I found it an incredibly traumatic experience and it has affected past relationships because previous bf's haven't been able to understand my reluctance. I have worked through it to an extent, but it's still something I will not do unless I know and trust a man implicitly.

OP, you need to lay down the law with your partner. You need to explain exactly how it made you feel and how it is not an acceptable thing to do unless both parties and fully aware of what is going to happen and have agreed to it. Ask him how he would feel if you had an inclination to surprise him by ramming a dildo down his throat repeatedly so that he was choking, gagging and unable to voice the word "STOP". If he cannot understand, he's not worth wiping your boots on and you need to seriously reconsider the relationship. I'm really sorry this happened to you. I hope you're feeling a little better Flowers

magoria · 25/06/2015 13:17

Phone the solicitor now, today while this is all fresh and before this is minimised and you end up stuck with this bloke.

The more you post the more awful he sounds.

TigerWhoCameForGin · 25/06/2015 13:27

Lay down the law

Explain

Would anyone want a partner that needed it explained to them that oral rape is wrong Confused

InnocentWhenYouDream · 25/06/2015 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Momagain1 · 25/06/2015 13:38

turned over quietly crying to myself. he did keep asking if I was upset and I said no I'm fine but it was obvious I wasn't as he said I was making him feel guilty and to stop it

Pausing and redirecting would be the normal and healthy thing to do when exploring new sex games. Stopping altogether and saying why would also be normal. Only on film do couples not stop to edit as they go along.

You already thought he doesnt treat you great. in this situation you didnt feel safe discussing the scene with him, or speaking up when you took the risk of stopping altogether. he was and remains angry at you for not doing as he directed/was forcing you. This relationship is bad, and isnt going to improve.

I hope this buying a house plan is not past the househunting stage. dump him and get some counseling.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 25/06/2015 13:42

Please don't bother trying to talk to him or fix this unless you want a crap and violent sex life for the rest of your life.
Just get out.

foolonthehill · 25/06/2015 13:45

You deserve better.
he deserves nothing until he learns to treat women as people and not as objects.

Please stay away from him .

there are nice men out there...but I doubt he's ever going to be one of them and if he does this now what will it escalate to once he feels he has you trapped?

CrispyFern · 25/06/2015 13:47

When you are on your deathbed, will you look back and be happy thinking about spending your life with this shitty excuse for a man?

butterflygirl15 · 25/06/2015 13:57

Well reading abut your sex life alone, before last night, makes me wonder why you ever stayed with him. I hope this gives you the impetus to get rid. And I hope you can see that you deserve so much more than this. He sounds utter hell.

Original poster
mrsvindiesel · 25/06/2015 13:58

to innocentwhenidream....
yes you are pretty much spot on there Sad

alot of the time we don't even have sex I give him oral and get nothing back myself. He always says he will give me something back later but NEVER does he's always too tired or fell asleep.
like I said I guess my enjoyment doesn't matter to him Sad

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 25/06/2015 14:00

no it doesn't. don't waste any more of your precious life on him

rumred · 25/06/2015 14:02

Sex needs to be mutually pleasurable or what is the point? You have every right to be cherished and sexually satisfied. He has no more right to this than you.
I'm sorry but he sounds like a selfish man who doesn't love you. I hope you have the strength at some point to get rid

Lweji · 25/06/2015 14:05

You don't matter to him. Sad

InnocentWhenYouDream · 25/06/2015 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BaronessBomburst · 25/06/2015 14:11

Please don't set yourself up with a man that doesn't care about you or your needs.
As you get older and the relationship settles it will only get worse. Be single and be happy. And presumably you won't be single for long. Flowers

FredaMayor · 25/06/2015 14:16

for once he was feeling horny....a bit porn-y

This man has very likely been viewing role play porn to try and get it up. What happened was all about him, not you. A normal, reasonably caring sex partner asks 'are you ok?' during sex of this kind.

It's a shitty way to be be treated and things will not get better for you in that relationship, I fear. That man's sexuality is a dark place and I really do think you would be well out of it.

Original poster
mrsvindiesel · 25/06/2015 14:21

thank you for chatting to me and for all the advice
I keep replaying last night over and over in my head and get the feeling of panic wash over me like I did then Sad
my friend is coming over for dinner tonight I cant tell her she doesnt like him anyway due to other "incidents" so I will just keep reading and re reading on here

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 25/06/2015 14:23

So your friends don't like him?
What about your family?

TigerWhoCameForGin · 25/06/2015 14:27

Tell her. She doesn't like him already, quite wisely it seems.

What he did was HORRENDOUS. You need support. Get your friends onboard, and try to speak to rape crisis. They are amazing.

Fallout4 · 25/06/2015 14:33

Welcome to dumpsville, population you...
Would be the next & final text I ever sent to him if I was you.

Finola1step · 25/06/2015 14:39

Why doesn't your friend like him?

Jo4040 · 25/06/2015 14:46

It's all well and good talking to people on here, but do you have anyone at home you can talk to? Friends, family members, because you need to put a plan into action about your next step and you will need people around you whilst doing that. I know you may feel embarrassed but you don't need to tell this trusted person everything you have said on here, just be selective. (I'm not empliying that you have got anything to be embarrassed about BTW). Keep writing to us all because we can help you through this xx