DH takes coke, can't cope with pressure of life, just flipped and walked out door

[chocolatedrops31]

No LTB please
We have 3 small children and are seriously in love. When we met I knew he wasn't your 'run of the mill' guy. He's very warm and passionate but occasionally gets mad. He is the sole earner at the moment and finds the pressure enormously difficult. He doesn't like living where we live. Most of the time he is a great father and husband but sometimes finds the stress of having a young family too much. For the last 2 years he's been dabbling in coke and this clearly affects his mood. He's just gone back to it after a lovely month long break during which our relationship has been wonderful. He's now back on it. Tonight he was working ..I dressed nice, made dinner, and made a sad face when he said he'd continue working after dinner..a sad face, that's it. He flipped, saying I didn't understand the pressure he was under, all I wanted was more, more sex, more attention. It makes him want to run away..stay late at work etc. he left the house without his phone and is gone. He knows that that will cause me immense stress. He doesn't recognise that the coke causes mood swings..and he won't handle an ultimatum well. I just don't know what to do..last night and today we were all lovey dovey..holding hands..flirting and then he flips. Any advice on how to deal with this situation welcome

From what you have said he seems to be aware that he has a problem, that is the first step. He managed to stop for a month which is another. I think you should sit down and have a serious conversation about what he needs to do to stay in the relationship and see what help he needs/wants to be able to quit. If he can't do this then you may well have to ltb but it sound like there is acknowledgement from him that there is something wrong so you may be able to save this. In not saying it will be easy but it may be possible. You need to be strong and put your foot down. You also need to follow through with leaving him if he doesn't quit.

sorry to point out the obvious but you are deluded if you think he would tell you the actual amount he's taking. Addicts are liars. So multiply that amount by at least five.

He may well stop but then again he might not,

It could take a week, a year, 10 years or never

What you have to sit down and decide are you prepared to wait and if so for how long.

If you will wait set yourself a time limits and if he is not clean by then you should leave.

You cannot put your life on hold forever while he battles his addiction.

You know the only way to support an addict is to stop enabling him. You're right in the middle of the craziness at the moment so you can't see it but you need to detach. Can you contact something like Al-anon for drugs? I don't know what there is but there must be something

You poor thing. He's done quite a number on you where you are sort of blaming yourself for him starting again as you found his stash. That would make me very angry in your position and feel he thinks very little of me.

suggest read this www.gov.uk/drug-driving-law

You need to be cruel to him to be kind

As you can see other people have had experience of living with an addict

The lies
The money spending
The erratic behaviour
Being selfish
Putting drugs before anything or anyone else
Mood swings

That about he forgot he had some until you found it is the most total bullshit, you know. There is no way an addict doesn't know exactly how much is in the house and where they put it. "Ah, you found it, I have to take it now" is... well, I already used that word, shall we say extremely unlikely. You are being led down the garden path in precisely the same way that spouses of addicts have been since the first mind-altering substance was discovered. This really is not a unique situation, sadly.

(I say addict because his behaviour as described and the type of excuses he is employing are stereotypical. I have no idea whether he is genuinely addicted, but taking a month off doesn't prove he isn't. Even alcoholics can take a break sometimes... doesn't mean they're not alcoholics. It means they're non-drinking alcoholics.)

Unfortunately I am unable to offer advice as your OP pre-empted the only rational response.

A lot of people use drugs because they are honestly miserable and cannot cope. All of his reactions suggest that he sees both work and home as a series of pressures that he has neither time nor energy to fulfil. So he constantly feels like he's failing - and he can't see a way out. The drugs are a temporary outlet that takes him away from all that, just for a bit - that makes him feel great and capable again. Of course, it's just pharmaceutical, though, so it's not a real solution - and likely to cause him significant damage in the long term.

The question is: why does he feel trapped? Some people can't see a way out because they are really poor, and that limits their options considerably. You are fortunate in that this isn't the case for your family, by the sounds of things. So chances are what's trapping him is a weight of expectation.

I would suggest that you have a serious think about your priorities as a couple here, particularly at a financial level. What would he enjoy doing in life? Can you find a way of making it happen, even if that means living in a much cheaper place, and taking up a very different lifestyle? Can he go back to uni and qualify in another discipline to take up a new career?

Honestly, the trappings of wealth are worse than a load of useless shit if you are miserable. Don't make your own hell.

he's got plenty of ways out of this 'pressure'. He lives in a safe country with a welfare system where his children will be educated for free. He has a roof over his head, a job that pays enough to stuff it up his nose and even a loving wife.

all the help he could need is there. If he won't accept it - there's nothing to be done.

I'm a man with young children and wife who is currently at home looking after the children whilst they are small. Yes, of course there is pressure: pressure to keep my job, pressure to pay the mortgage, pressure to ensure that the kids get what they need etc.

Men like the one you describe, OP, make my blood boil. He is either making a choice to snort family money up his nose or he's addicted in which case, as a father, he has an obligation to get help so that his children don't suffer because of his addiction.

The idea that he can strop about whining about how much pressure he's under and how hard it all is for him. Opt out of family life when "it all gets too much" and leave you carrying the can just doesn't wash with me. I'd tell him to grow up and man up or fuck off. He's no example as a father or husband at the moment.

Honest answer to your question about how you deal with this situation: stop enabling him. Give him a hard ultimatum and mean it. It's only by him seeing what he risks losing that he might be jolted into pulling his finger out.

Sorry OP, but agree with other posters. There is no way somebody would have 1 line of coke. It doesn't work that way. He must be addicted because he is already lying to you and has something to hide. I feel really sorry for you as your original post was worded much more strongly than your following posts. Not only is your partner lying to you, you are now lying to yourself to minimise his behaviour. What is this achieving? What you actually have is a husband who will drive under the influence of drugs and who I'm assuming, you could not trust to leave on his own with your children. It's no kind of life for you or your kids.

Again..this has been said...but unless you are with him when he buys the stuff, and every time he takes his 1-2 lines there is no way you can know how much he is really taking.

There is no way you accidentally leave a stash of good coke lying around and 'forget' you have it. That's (possibly only part of) his 'house stash'. He'll probably have other stashes elsewhere. Work for example. Not to mention when with friends and so on.

Also 1-2 lines for a seasoned user is nothing, you can do a lot more than that and appear fairly 'together'.

How can you love him?

You must love an idea of him, not the actual person who is sniffing away your and your kids money and getting aggressive while doing it.

Agree with Norest, but you are also extremely naive if you think that he's using daily and only spending £150 a month. He is spending multiples of that out of your household income on it.
Unfortunately, one of the major side effects that goes with even casual coke use is the development of a stunning ability to lie through your teeth. That feeling of invincibility? you'll say absobloodyloutely anything to anyone at that point.
Do not trust a word he is saying about this.

If you are determined not to LTB, minimise the risk to yourself and your children. Keep your finances entirely separate. Ensure that there is no way he can increase borrowing on your house without you being notified. Ensure that there is no way the children can find any drugs in the home / car, or witness its use or the effects of its use.
Once you've appreciated that is entirely impossible, reconsider the LTB element.

I don't know, probably £150 a month at a guess but we are not cash strapped..he does work hard and earns well and materially gives us whatever we need but I think that all adds to the pressure on him

god

I can't read this thread anymore

I am married to the most lovely bloke who struggles everyday to earn enough money to support us.

My dh doesn't even drink because he is so serious about saving money

He has a huge amount of pressure on him and he doesn't run away to get off his head. He would be made up if he had an extra £150 a month to buy more stuff for the children.

I feel sorry for you and I really hope the scales fall from your eyes and you get past this.

If you fancy being snide, you could agree with him, so draw up a budget of ways the family can save money so he doesn't need to work as much, obv his £150 coke will be in the savings

If you aren't prepared to leave him, at least stop pretending that everything is mostly great and his problem is small and you are all lovey dovey. you are in denial.

Tell your parents. Tell his parents. You need the support and keeping his secret is enabling him.
Protect your money. Take over paying bills. Make sure he cannot access funds that you need for the mortgage or food.
Acknowledge his habit, get numbers for narc-anon.
Ask him to stay with family for some time apart, he could take leave from work. Have a break, see his GP, talk to narc-anon. If stress is his excuse, give him a chance to be away from that stress for a week. (clue: it's more than that).

You can't keep pretending this isn't happening.

It's very difficult to read this and to think of your children living with a junkie.

surely if someone finds out your children are living among drugs you risk losing them?

2 years isn't dabbling.. all addictions escalate and if he started off snorting 1-2 lines, i'd be willing to bet that it's waaaay more now. the longer he uses, the more risk he is at. not just physically, but mentally too. Incidences of cocaine induced psychosis are high as are cocaine induced violent outbursts. his adrenalin levels will be high, as cocaine releases a neurotransmitter involved in the fight or flight response. tonight he thought you were verbally attacking him... in this instance he chose the flight option.... be careful. arm yourself with knowledge of the effects of this drug on his mental state and above all take care of you and your babies x

Yes, he obviously needs help with regards to the coke use.
Unfortunately he needs to make that decision himself, like you say he just flips out if you even make a sad face.
I think you need to give him a major ultimatum.
Say you understand the pressure he is under, bla bla, give his ego a bit of stroke it may help him not flip out and he might listen, but it has to stop and now!
it is very easy to say just leave him but maybe him leaving may give him the jolt he needs to realise what he stands to loose.
Using drugs while having such a young family would be a deal breaker for me as they need to be protected from that kind of lifestyle.
I think all you can do is tell him how it is, tell him he either needs to sort out this coke use or leave.
I am sorry you are going through this, you can't carry on with this monkey on his back it will just end very badly. x

The thread brought to mind a quote I heard somewhere which paraphrased as best as I remember was "Coke enables you to speak 100% bullshit with 100% conviction. The problem is it only works on those taking coke ie you. So whilst you feel like Einstein and super confident everyone else sees a blathering idiot".

Spot on Yellow! x

He managed to stop for a month which is another

You're an idiot if you think he stopped for a month. And a bigger idiot if you believe it's 'only' 1-2 lines a day.

The first thing you need to clue yourself up on is that addicts lie. They lie about everything. Assume that nothing they tell you now true. You cannot trust him.

Taking class A drugs every day is so fucking far away from what's normal. I mean really, that is very, very dysfunctional.

You cannot let your children grow up in this environment. It's so toxic and damaging.

I grew up with an addict parent and it totally messed me up.

Thanks all. I do believe he stopped for a month because his moods were very stable (and good) during that time period. He was also v open about it then and said that he needs to stay away from it. I seriously believe he didn't know about the stash because he was delighted and excited upon finding it and his moods have been indicative of being on coke since.
We had a big chat today but made no real head way-we are taking steps to reduce the financial pressure but that'll take months to achieve. I'm going to sign us up to a yoga class so he has another way of dealing with problems..but I know that's very long term. I told him to take the coke out the house and that I couldn't deal with him taking it. He did. But he's not going to change unless-as others have said-he is forced to (probably by a health consequence). The problem is that he doesn't take the health consequences seriously because he doesn't take a lot and thinks that those consequences only happen to those who binge. He's never seriously cared about his health anyway. I may give an ultimatum but I'm worried that he will then either lie or change for me and then resent me for it. I'm tempted to tell him that I'm going to sign us up for a joint session of therapy to discuss it..if he agrees to go then an outside voice might give him some perspective