DH takes coke, can't cope with pressure of life, just flipped and walked out door

[chocolatedrops31]

No LTB please
We have 3 small children and are seriously in love. When we met I knew he wasn't your 'run of the mill' guy. He's very warm and passionate but occasionally gets mad. He is the sole earner at the moment and finds the pressure enormously difficult. He doesn't like living where we live. Most of the time he is a great father and husband but sometimes finds the stress of having a young family too much. For the last 2 years he's been dabbling in coke and this clearly affects his mood. He's just gone back to it after a lovely month long break during which our relationship has been wonderful. He's now back on it. Tonight he was working ..I dressed nice, made dinner, and made a sad face when he said he'd continue working after dinner..a sad face, that's it. He flipped, saying I didn't understand the pressure he was under, all I wanted was more, more sex, more attention. It makes him want to run away..stay late at work etc. he left the house without his phone and is gone. He knows that that will cause me immense stress. He doesn't recognise that the coke causes mood swings..and he won't handle an ultimatum well. I just don't know what to do..last night and today we were all lovey dovey..holding hands..flirting and then he flips. Any advice on how to deal with this situation welcome

And in the meantime your children will have to deal with his moods and him flipping out at you while you wait for him to start flipping out at them.

"But I love 'im!!!"

Cry me a fucking river.

Your children deserve better and if you put this coke head above them then you are a disgrace.

who bloody cares if he resents you? He is an illegal addict. What if your children had found his stash - it could have killed them. If you love this man you really are incredibly naive and silly. A spot of yoga will do the square root of sod all. If you aren't packing his bags yesterday then you are failing as a mother - sorry.

I find the way you describe your relationship quite odd. "We are seriously in love", you were "dressed up" with dinner on the table when he got home, you were "lovely dovey" and "flirting". It's just a really odd way to describe the relationship between two people who have been together a while, who are parents of multiple small children and who are under pressure. Are you trying to convince us of how wonderful your relationship is, or yourself?

Speaking as someone who used to take coke (although never daily; that is seriously addicted IMO) I also think it's highly unlikely he's restricting it to 1-2 lines per day. And of course, how big is the line..?? If he's addicted to the extent of needing it each day, I can't believe he's immune to the more immediate addictive effect of cocaine in that each line will only give a high of about 1/2 an hour. About 1/2 an hour in, he'll be wanting another line, and then another and another.

Totally agree with the other posters in that the main thing here is the way he treats you and that you are both complicit in making this acceptable, if you don't require that he stops taking the coke. IME thinking about the health consequences never works, unless you're at the stage where you're seriously compromising your health by not eating, not sleeping; etc.

Cocaine is a vile drug, and whatever benefit he thinks it confers is a complete illusion. Until he starts to see that it's the problem, and not the solution, the whole set up sounds miserable for all concerned.

Do you know what will reduce the financial pressure? Him giving up coke!

It's a LTB from me too, before your kids grow up thinking taking class A drugs is normal..

If you don't want to LTB then:

1. Make the children, not your husband, your priority when push comes to shove;

1. Start being a LOT more hard-headed about how to deal with this situation in general;

1. Stop keeping it a secret. If you want help and support from family and friends, tell them. Why should he have some false reputation as a non-coke taker while you suffer in silence?

1. Get clued-up about your financial situation. Separate your accounts if joint. Start stashing away savings, as much as you can. If there are things you've wanted to get rid of, sell them. Take your money and any money in trust for your children out of his reach.

1. Stop taking all the blame for the whole thing and for his every negative reaction (it comes across in your posts). Your husband has got himself into this mess, not you. Don't feel guilty about being a stay-at-home parent at present-presumably you and he jointly agreed this? His wayward emotions are his responsibility.

1. Talk seriously about him jacking in the job if he hates it so much. Discuss how you can change things.

1. Make sure you do go back to work in October.

No way in a million years would I have my children around that shit.

Tell him to fuck off and get clean.

Yoga. Jesus.

teapot is right in the the coke is the problem not the solution.

Clearly it hasnt occurred to him that the only reason he feels stressed is because he is addicted to coke and therefore will naturally feel stressed when hasnt taken any. Have you ever smoked? When you need a cigarette and cant have one you get antsy and stressed, you have one and the feeling goes away so you associate smoking with feeling calm when in fact if you didnt smoke then you wouldnt have those feelings in between cigarettes.

He doesnt take cocaine to get high anymore, he takes it to feel normal, because he is an addict. You know how you feel all the time? He has to take cocaine to feel like that now because his body and mind are dependent on it.

You are acting as his enabler in all this; that is your role here. I also think you are so deep in denial about how bad this is that you cannot see which way is up.

You will never make any progress with him because both of you are complicit in letting this continue. Did you grow up in a dysfunctional household as well, I am wondering why this is still acceptable to you?.

What do you get out of this relationship now with this person?. That is something you should be asking yourself, what needs of yours are being met here?.

"I'm going to sign us up to a yoga class so he has another way of dealing with problems..but I know that's very long term"

And that will achieve precisely nothing for either of you. Is that all you can think of seriously?.

He dealing with problems means examining why he needs to take cocaine in the first place; he does not want to do that (too painful) and besides which you are still there cushioning the blows for him. There is no incentive to change, not whilst you are still there and having any sort of relationship with him.

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships, it makes me wonder what you yourself learnt about same when growing up.

He's agreed to go to counselling although says I'm blowing it out of proportion. I agree with what most of you say but I'm not sure why I'm being attacked-I do love him so yes do want to work to overcome this-not just chuck him out. People do make bad decisions sometimes and do need help to get out of it. Currently it isn't affecting our children as they are tiny but we need to get a handle on it now

Do you have a mortgage and does he have life insurance? If, god forbid, he dies and is found to be a drug user there is a very real risk that the life insurance would not pay out and you and your dc left homeless. Just so he knows.

This whole scenario has seriously skewed your boundaries. None of this is remotely normal. Would you be as sanguine if this was one of your dc? As above, addicts are sneaky, liars and will tell the bare minimum of truth. He has you well trained but IMO YOU need to step up and issue ultimatums: get help, get clean or get out.

He just sent me a message saying that family is everything and that he will stop on july 1 'if I feel the same way'

I have never ever read a more blatant case of utter denial in my life. Wake up OP - yoga? If yoga could cure a class A drug addiction....seriously. I can't read this anymore, your poor kids (oh but they aren't affected are they?)

I'm not sure why I'm being attacked-I do love him so yes do want to work to overcome this-not just chuck him out.

Because most people can not understand wanting a cokehead anywhere near their children ffs.

that he will stop on july 1 'if I feel the same way'

What a load of shit. Tell him to leave and to come back on the 1st July when he's been to his first NA meeting with you.

Yes but people aren't allowed to change? Some people on mumsnet are so black and white about things..if I leave him you will applaud (let's not think about the horrendous consequences that may have) but if I work with him for him to drop the habit then I'm deluded

You think this can be solved with yoga? And what does that message he just sent you even mean? Is he high right now?

You can not drop his habit for him. He needs to want to change. Right now he's choosing the drugs over you and his children. So all the help you think you are providing (e.g. yoga) is merely enabling him.

Yes but people aren't allowed to change? They can change but they wouldn't be anywhere near my children until they'd shown me that they'd already changed.

Why is it so hard for you to put your children's well being before your love for this man?

I feel really bad for those kids. A junkie father and an insecure mother in denial who refuses to put them first.

I've experienced addiction in the family. It affects the kids. Even very young ones will pick up on the moods, the stress, mummy being treated badly.

This is one of the most frustrating post I've ever read. Most people who post here want help. You just wanted someone to tell you it's alright or that you can cure drug addiction with yoga.

No-we've been texting a lot over the last hour because I basically gave him an ultimatum and said he needed to stop -I said I'd sign us up for counselling and then he basically said he'd stop. I'm assuming he said july because it's too hard to actually stop 'now'. But it's not an option any more

I think people are getting a bit cross with you because they have hard earned and bitter experience of loving an addict and they can see how futile your approach is and how in denial you are.

This is bad OP, really bad.

You can't 'love' an addict better. There is absolutely nothing you can do to control the addict or their addiction.

The best thing is for you to leapfrog the part where you waste time and energy trying to fix them and skip to the part where you understand the only healthy course of action available to you is to remove yourself and your kids from the addict's influence.

Yoga, counselling, NA, blah blah blah. If this is all your initiative then it's meaningless.

That's the hardest part of dealing with an addict. You'll only know change is real when you've played absolutely no part in it.

chocolate

re your comment (that I have separated out for clarity):-

"He's agreed to go to counselling although says I'm blowing it out of proportion"

Counselling therefore is a complete waste of time. However, counselling solely for you is essential; you need to figure out for yourself why you are allowing yourself to act as his enabler.

"I agree with what most of you say but I'm not sure why I'm being attacked-I do love him so yes do want to work to overcome this-not just chuck him out".

Do you actually know what a mutually loving relationship is because this is surely not it. Your H is in a relationship with cocaine and values that far above you and his children. I mean this kindly but you are in no way qualified to help him and as his wife he does not want your help anyway. He does not want help full stop. What is stopping you from actually giving this man the push?.

HE has to be the one to drive forward the idea of recovery from his addiction, any and all attempts on your part to address his addiction without his wanting help are doomed to failure.

I would also read up on co-dependency within relationships and see how much of that actually resonates with your own behaviours. His actions to you are not loving ones at all. You cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want to be saved.

"People do make bad decisions sometimes and do need help to get out of it"

This makes you sound like you are responsible for him which you are not and is also a part of the overall enabler behaviour. You are playing a role in all this; infact multiple ones. You are also the provoker here (you never forget). You need to acknowledge your roles here.

"Currently it isn't affecting our children as they are tiny but we need to get a handle on it now"

There is no "we" here; its you driving this forward. This is already affecting them, they pick up on all the unspoken vibes and are too young to actually understand what is going on around them. They see you upset within the home and do not understand why this is, they are too young to articulate their feelings at all properly. You cannot fully protect them from the consequences of his addiction.

We are just talking about ways to deal with stress and yoga is one of them. It's not a cure. I think you all missed what I said about therapy