DH takes coke, can't cope with pressure of life, just flipped and walked out door

[chocolatedrops31]

No LTB please
We have 3 small children and are seriously in love. When we met I knew he wasn't your 'run of the mill' guy. He's very warm and passionate but occasionally gets mad. He is the sole earner at the moment and finds the pressure enormously difficult. He doesn't like living where we live. Most of the time he is a great father and husband but sometimes finds the stress of having a young family too much. For the last 2 years he's been dabbling in coke and this clearly affects his mood. He's just gone back to it after a lovely month long break during which our relationship has been wonderful. He's now back on it. Tonight he was working ..I dressed nice, made dinner, and made a sad face when he said he'd continue working after dinner..a sad face, that's it. He flipped, saying I didn't understand the pressure he was under, all I wanted was more, more sex, more attention. It makes him want to run away..stay late at work etc. he left the house without his phone and is gone. He knows that that will cause me immense stress. He doesn't recognise that the coke causes mood swings..and he won't handle an ultimatum well. I just don't know what to do..last night and today we were all lovey dovey..holding hands..flirting and then he flips. Any advice on how to deal with this situation welcome

He's just gone back to it after a lovely month long break during which our relationship has been wonderful.

You could not ask for more proof that he prioritises his relationship with coke above his relationship with you and the kids.

He is the sole earner at the moment and finds the pressure enormously difficult. He doesn't like living where we live.

As Richard Pryor (I think) once said, "Cocaine is God's way of telling you you've got too much money." If he stopped blowing half his salary up his nose, you'd have a lot more disposable income and could perhaps afford to move.

He is an addict. Addicts are inherently selfish. You cannot persuade, guilt trip him or logic him into giving it up. He will only stop when he is ready, which may be when he's reached rock bottom.

All you can do is put yourself and your DC's safety and well-being first. To me that would mean asking him to leave until he's sorted himself out - and that means at least 6 months sober.

I know it's not what you want to hear. But nobody here is going to have the magic words that will suddenly wake him up to what's going on.

You might find it helpful to give Narc-Anon a call or find a local group.

I think you need to get strong and give him an ultimatum.

You can't make it come off though. HE will have to do that.
You can't take the pressure off him, noot the pressure coming from having a young family at least.
You could take off the pressure of being the onlyerner but at what cost? do you think he will be less sressed out when he will have to deal with dropping the dcs at CM/nursery, having to deal with ilness and taking time off weork etc?

The stress he is experiencing is 'normal' stress. If he can't cope with it, he needs to find another way than one that is making him so moody.
But he is the only one to be able to do that. :(

the only way to "persuade" him to choose his family over coke is for him to face losing it

until then, you have no chance

at the moment, you are both subjecting your children to his moods and teaching them that women subjugate themselves to the whims of loser blokes

and please don't try to insult our, theirs or your own intelligence by saying they don't see anything

He is selfish

He loves drugs more than you

He spends alot of family money on drugs

He walked away from you & your children

Change locks & make it clear that he cleans up & acts like a responsible parent

Find yourself a job

He currently has no incentive to change

And he probably manufactured that row so he could go and snort more blow. You know, like addicts do.

Sweetheart you can't change him - if having a family isn't the incentive to change then it isn't going to happen I'm afraid.

But what you can do is change how you respond. To be clear, I mean that I think you need to have more than a frank chat. You need to be prepared to take action, not just talk.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to get him to change. It will probably take you months or maybe years to realise that. Your children are growing up witnessing his behaviour and viewing it as normal. You need to protect your children, they should come first no matter how tough it is for both of you. He needs to leave and sort himself out.

I have a job and am going back in October (after mat leave) but it won't make a huge difference financially because of the cost of childcare.

If he is worried about finances stopping the coke would make a huge difference to that. This problem is not stress or financial worries or anything else other than an addiction.

You don't need to tolerate these circumstances OP

He wants to give it up..he frequently says it, but doesn't want it enough to do that. The reason he went back to it..is because I stupidly found some..assumed he was back on it and told him so. He wasn't..wasn't aware he had any..but then clearly couldn't resist it once he knew he had some. So he can stop but finds it irresistible if it's there. You don't have to believe me but he really is v controlled about how much he takes-about 1-2 grams a month. He didn't go off just now to snort more..as I said it doesn't dramatically alter his mood because the amounts are quite minimal..but it does have a subtle affect on his mood and this affects his behaviour towards me and tolerance for me-and he can't see this. I do need to have more of a frank chat because as you say-it's causing problems and I handle it because most of the time it doesn't..but I don't want to deal with this even 5% of the time. And of course I'm scared of the affect on his health

make a choice, do you want your three children growing up in the house with a drug addict or not?
I agree with others, please don't ever leave the children alone with him or drive the car with you and them in it.

The only thing you can do is protect your children. They do not deserve to be subjected to his behaviour.

What would your advice be to your children, when they're no longer small? Or your best friend?

It won't be only 1-2 lines a day either. It doesn't work like that.

It's not affecting our children-it's merely affecting how he treats me. But yes that too is unacceptable

where do the children think he is now ?

He came back..but the children are all under 4-have been asleep for a while

I would not subject my children to that. I think it is a shame you are willing to.

How is it not affecting your children??

Because it's not-he's a great dad and he is only short tempered with me, not them

I doubt he'll be gone long but while he's out pack a small bag containing all he'll need for a night away, leave it by the front door, and when he returns tell him to take it and stay elsewhere while you consider whether you want to stay married to a man who is unable to place the wellbeing of his dw and dc above his need for cocaine.

You're back-tracking op. In your op you write about his anger and mood swings due to the coke. Now you are saying it only has a 'subtle' effect. He's just stormed out and you don't know where he is. I don't call that 'subtle!'

He needs a reality check and you need to be honest with yourself.

So it's ok for them to have a dad to takes illegal substances so risks being arrested and who flips out at their mum? Small people have big ears. Growing up I could hear every argument my parents had, if you ask them they will tell you we never heard it as they waited until we were asleep.

are they all deaf and blind ?