DH takes coke, can't cope with pressure of life, just flipped and walked out door

[chocolatedrops31]

No LTB please
We have 3 small children and are seriously in love. When we met I knew he wasn't your 'run of the mill' guy. He's very warm and passionate but occasionally gets mad. He is the sole earner at the moment and finds the pressure enormously difficult. He doesn't like living where we live. Most of the time he is a great father and husband but sometimes finds the stress of having a young family too much. For the last 2 years he's been dabbling in coke and this clearly affects his mood. He's just gone back to it after a lovely month long break during which our relationship has been wonderful. He's now back on it. Tonight he was working ..I dressed nice, made dinner, and made a sad face when he said he'd continue working after dinner..a sad face, that's it. He flipped, saying I didn't understand the pressure he was under, all I wanted was more, more sex, more attention. It makes him want to run away..stay late at work etc. he left the house without his phone and is gone. He knows that that will cause me immense stress. He doesn't recognise that the coke causes mood swings..and he won't handle an ultimatum well. I just don't know what to do..last night and today we were all lovey dovey..holding hands..flirting and then he flips. Any advice on how to deal with this situation welcome

offred has hit the nail on the head there. Write her last two posts down OP and read them until you see it.

i think sometimes it's a step in the process for the partner to a drug taker is to look up support groups.

sometimes you do everything you can to help the person you committed to (pre-drugs) before checking out of your (post-drugs) marriage/ relationship.

I don't think that activity should be vilified, it's can be a way to feel like you did all you could before bailing.

Thanks weed.

I just think you have to get you and the DC off the addiction roller coaster. Whether that means LTB or not. With LTB it is easier to get off but I don't think anyone is saying it is required that you end your relationship to do it. Lots of us think it would be better and easier but really we are just trying to look out for you and DC. I think many agree you need physical separation and to start thinking about yourself and your needs again.

No-one thinks this is your fault, it is firmly down to him but many of us understand how boundaries can be pushed back and pushed back by living with an addict until your expectations are virtually nothing and you are not protecting or prioritising yourself.

And I agree that for the partner doing those things can feel productive for them but they just don't help their partner get off drugs IMO.

I think we all want your partner to get off the drugs too. Lots of people trying to point out that this course of action won't achieve that end and may just increase the risks and lead to you breaking up because you've had enough. This is one of those situations where leaving him to it may be the best chance of saving the relationship (if that's what you want).

(As well as reducing damage to the family)

Yep there is a partner process but what often screws up the family is that the adults forget that the dc's have to live with the adults turmoil without any voice or acknowledgment of their experience.

This thread has given me a real insight into some of the families on my case load. The dc's voices are just not heard because they are tiny and they have one protective parent. The OP is upset and stressed by his coke use, why are the dc's immune to that?

I think that's why alot if people in this thread have been quite forceful with the OP.

I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. I think the OP needs RL support - and a trip to Holland and Barrett and the local leisure centre just isn't going to do it.

OP - you said you would speak to your dad - So ? ? ?

Hello OP, I hope you and your childen are ok.

I've read the more recent posts, and just wanted to reiterate my suggestion that you and the children go away for a short while so you can rest and get some perspective. Face it, recently you have been living in a hypervigilant state, haven't you, wondering what your husband is doing? If you trust he has given up then rely on that, have a break and a think. I really really would tell someone in RL as well.

Hi OP , I hope you are accessing some RL support

I just wanted to check something from your earlier posts . You said that your DH was taking your son out . Is it actually your son rather than his child ? If so,does your sons father know that you partner is a drug user? Because if your ex finds out , he might not be happy with his child living there

Should have said 'our' son.
All still going fine thanks-he's completely off the drug (it's now been a week) and we are talking openly every day about the situation. The rl support is my best friend-as I've said, unless DH goes back on it, I'm not going to speak about it to my dad because I don't want to diminish dh's standing..particularly where he is making real efforts to be better

Well done op and good luck to you and your dh

chocolatedrops,

Are you acting now as his therapist as well; look at your overall roles (the plural is deliberate) in all this. You're both still going around in circles really.

Best friends are not always helpful in such situations either because they know you both and can also be over invested. Neither of you have also seemingly sought any real life support from drugs charities; that would be particularly helpful to you.

A week is nothing in the great scheme of things; I think he will simply become more clever at hiding his use from you.

I would examine your reasons for not speaking to your dad further.
Do you not want to speak to him because he really has the measure of your H and will say something along the lines of "I told you so".

Quite the opposite Attalia-my dad and DH get on very well..this would just cause a lot of heart ache for my dad -which I don't need to do unnecessarily

Thanks nilbyname

Just checking in to wish you well!

Thanks wolfiefan :)

How has it been a week, you had the talk on Sunday and it's only Thursday lunchtime now

Because the last time he did it was that Wednesday for the 'hangover'

As an ex addict, a week is a piece of piss.

Take care of yourself love x

Oh ok, I though he was still saying he'd give up on the 1st at that point and was doing 2 lines a days until 29th when you said he'd given up as he had been before. Apologies

No worries joys mum

I know a week is nothing-I was just updating as I was asked.

How's his mood bearing up OP? Is he starting to ease up on making you feel like you are forcing his hand over stopping? Hope he is starting to realise that he wants to stay clean for himself?

His mood is def more stable and he's more patient. On Monday I was v upset after Sunday's big chat and since then he seems to have made a decision to get over my 'betrayal' (in issuing the ultimatum) and he's back to normal niceness..we will see

Until he stops thinking of it as a 'betrayal', you can assume he's either not thinking rationally or he's just being a dick.
Don't you feel betrayed by him? I would feel incredibly betrayed and hurt if my husband's behaviour led me to have no option but to issue such an ultimatum.
I think the fact that he still thinks you have done something to him is very worrying actually. Keep your wits about you OP.