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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH takes coke, can't cope with pressure of life, just flipped and walked out door

464 replies

chocolatedrops31 · 22/06/2015 20:36

No LTB please
We have 3 small children and are seriously in love. When we met I knew he wasn't your 'run of the mill' guy. He's very warm and passionate but occasionally gets mad. He is the sole earner at the moment and finds the pressure enormously difficult. He doesn't like living where we live. Most of the time he is a great father and husband but sometimes finds the stress of having a young family too much. For the last 2 years he's been dabbling in coke and this clearly affects his mood. He's just gone back to it after a lovely month long break during which our relationship has been wonderful. He's now back on it. Tonight he was working ..I dressed nice, made dinner, and made a sad face when he said he'd continue working after dinner..a sad face, that's it. He flipped, saying I didn't understand the pressure he was under, all I wanted was more, more sex, more attention. It makes him want to run away..stay late at work etc. he left the house without his phone and is gone. He knows that that will cause me immense stress. He doesn't recognise that the coke causes mood swings..and he won't handle an ultimatum well. I just don't know what to do..last night and today we were all lovey dovey..holding hands..flirting and then he flips. Any advice on how to deal with this situation welcome

OP posts:
Velociraptor · 22/06/2015 21:31

It will affect your children if they see or hear their Dad treating their Mum badly, and if it is happening when they are in the house they will be aware of it. It will certainly affect them if any of them get hold of his drugs and try to copy their Dad, as small children do.

goddessofsmallthings · 22/06/2015 21:32

Cross-posted... so he's back and the merry dance he's leading you goes on.

I'm relieved to hear he's 'only short-tempered with you' as that will no doubt be a great comfort to your dc Hmm

Whichseason · 22/06/2015 21:32

2 gram a month is about 20 lines, less lines for somebody who uses a lot. You said earlier that he was using 1 to 2 lines a day, that would be about 60 lines, so 6 grams a month. I am not doubting you but I am doubting he is telling the truth.

I suspect your instincts were correct when you found that coke, it was because he was still using it. Even if he was not still using it, it was NOT your fault he strated using it again unless you held him down and forced him to.

flatbellyfella · 22/06/2015 21:32

I take it he drives his car whilst high on Cocane, not only is he ruining your lives, but some poor souls out & about may get taken out by his behaviour .

captainproton · 22/06/2015 21:33

You do know if anyone who works in health and childcare become aware of your husbands habit, then this will be immediately flagged as a safeguarding issue.

You will never know btw what his true habit is, he is telling you what you want to hear because he wants you on side. You are deluding yourself.

kinkyfuckery · 22/06/2015 21:33

So he has it around the house, but obviously isn't policing it well, if he didn't realise he had any!!

Will you leave him once one of your kids gets hold of it?

butterflygirl15 · 22/06/2015 21:35

great dads don't take coke

you cannot control his use or make him give up

do you honestly think one sane person is going to tell you to stay with him and manage his addiction?

chairmeoh · 22/06/2015 21:35

do you want to spend all of your time living on tenterhooks waiting for the time it does affect the children? Because it will one day.

Original poster
chocolatedrops31 · 22/06/2015 21:35

Thanks all..I'm going to take everything you all said on board and have a serious chat. This definitely needs to change-I cannot do this any longer

OP posts:
paxtecum · 22/06/2015 21:36

Op it really isn't your fault he went back on it.
If he has said that then he is just blaming you for his failings.
He could have chucked it down the loo.

I did know someone who controlled how much coke he took, but most coke heads have to finish the packet.

How well does he sleep?
Coke usually has a detrimental effect on sleep?

Bogeyface · 22/06/2015 21:36

The reason he went back to it..is because I stupidly found some..assumed he was back on it and told him so. He wasn't..wasn't aware he had any..but then clearly couldn't resist it once he knew he had some. So he can stop but finds it irresistible if it's there.

Wow he has done a number on you if you believe that! Of course he knew he had it, no addict would "forget" they had a stash. He had it because he was using and was hoping you wouldnt find out.

chairmeoh · 22/06/2015 21:36

Good point kinky

captainproton · 22/06/2015 21:36

Does anyone else in RL know about the drugs. What about your in-laws, your own parents or are you expected to keep this a secret? Sometimes getting others aware of the problem can help towards a solution. Overcoming drug habit is not easy and if he genuinely wants help he's going to have to accept that opening up an being honest about the problem is part of the recovery process.

broomchickabroomchick · 22/06/2015 21:37

OP you say you found some, I assume in your house? What if it had been one of your children that found it instead?

paxtecum · 22/06/2015 21:39

Good luck with the chat.

He can give it up if he tries hard enough.

AnyFucker · 22/06/2015 21:40

love, he never had a "break"

he let you think that and was extra nice for a while to throw you off the scent

if you "found" his stash, then it's only a matter of time before one of your kids does too

Original poster
chocolatedrops31 · 22/06/2015 21:40

It was in a place they wouldn't be able to access. I told my brother once about it..he was v concerned but is v young..not one for sage advice. Haven't told anyone else because tbh I know they'll be appalled and think lesser of him..he will see it as a breach of confidence and im not sure itd help matters other than give me a source of support

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatedrops31 · 22/06/2015 21:41

Thanks paxtecum for your more measured responses-def helpful

OP posts:
AuntyHisthamine · 22/06/2015 21:44

His addiction is NOT YOUR FAULT.

You can't change him, it's his choice.

What you do have -in this situation - is the ability to respond and you have choices in the way in which you respond.

We will be here to hold your hand and to support you.

Think of your children and yourself.

AnyoneForTennis · 22/06/2015 21:44

He's not a great dad

But you don't care do you? You'll do whatever he wants

Bogeyface · 22/06/2015 21:44

He can give it up if he tries hard enough.

I would amend that to "He can give up if he wants to" and at the moment it doesnt sound like he does...

specialsubject · 22/06/2015 21:44

addiction is an illness and thus could be considered not his fault.
refusal to get help IS his fault.

this is horrific for you, and your kids ARE noticing.

the ultimatum is 'us or the drugs'.

and please; if he is driving under the influence call the police. It may not be just him that he kills.

good luck.

captainproton · 22/06/2015 21:46

But you do need support because it's you and your children's lives he is fucking up too, and you don't get a choice about it. Why should you have to keep his dirty little secret? Honestly tell you parents, you need people on your side, people who can be there to help practically. Don't go through this alone. As soon as you open up to someone in RL the journey to real change will begin.

Original poster
chocolatedrops31 · 22/06/2015 21:47

Thanks all-am going to try and sleep now

OP posts:
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 22/06/2015 21:48

I know someone who was married to a cokehead. She was also "in love" and had four small kids and found his stash in the house. and forgave him endless times. He never managed to give it up so she no option in the end but to divorce him after his behaviour spiralled out of control and DID start to affect the children . He died from a drugs related incident.

You have a stark choice. Children or drug addict husband.