DH takes coke, can't cope with pressure of life, just flipped and walked out door

[chocolatedrops31]

No LTB please
We have 3 small children and are seriously in love. When we met I knew he wasn't your 'run of the mill' guy. He's very warm and passionate but occasionally gets mad. He is the sole earner at the moment and finds the pressure enormously difficult. He doesn't like living where we live. Most of the time he is a great father and husband but sometimes finds the stress of having a young family too much. For the last 2 years he's been dabbling in coke and this clearly affects his mood. He's just gone back to it after a lovely month long break during which our relationship has been wonderful. He's now back on it. Tonight he was working ..I dressed nice, made dinner, and made a sad face when he said he'd continue working after dinner..a sad face, that's it. He flipped, saying I didn't understand the pressure he was under, all I wanted was more, more sex, more attention. It makes him want to run away..stay late at work etc. he left the house without his phone and is gone. He knows that that will cause me immense stress. He doesn't recognise that the coke causes mood swings..and he won't handle an ultimatum well. I just don't know what to do..last night and today we were all lovey dovey..holding hands..flirting and then he flips. Any advice on how to deal with this situation welcome

If he loves you & the children he will get help for his addiction. He needs more positive coping mechanisms for his life stressors.

The use of coke is quite 'normal' in some circles, for example a high percentage of lawyers use it.

But that doesn't alter the fact that it is an addictive, personality changing substance that can take over your life.

I'm sorry but you have three young children one of whom probably conceived when you knew your husband was a drug user. Your husband takes, regularly class A drugs. He also purchases them funding an illegal drug industry. His actions are criminal and he is around your (his) children.

I'm sorry and I don't say this very often at all. You need to leave him. You don't need to leave him because is unkind, wicked, cruel, disloyal, feckless, unfaithful, abusive, etc.. You need to leave him because he is a criminal and his criminal behaviour has an impact on those outside your home as well as all of you within it.

I don't understand the excuses you are making for him. It's time to call it a day and live the rest of your life with people who are lawful.

OP I hope you get a good sleep. I hope you find the strength to have a serious chat. I hope you find the words. I hope he listens and gets the help he needs

a "high percentage" of lawyers are selfish, self obsessed individuals who put coke before their family

I do sympathise chocolate because this is not what anyone expects to have to go through, and it's easier to pretend it's controllable. It's hard for you as his spouse to change how you respond to his drug habit, and it's going to be a million times harder for him to overcome that habit. I just don't think it's possible for any couple going through what you are going through to succeed in beating a drug habit alone. Please don't forget about what we've all said tonight, hopefully one day maybe tomorrow, maybe in a month you will find the strength to change your lives and issue him an ultimatum.

I get absolutely what you are saying AnyFucker although I don't think that's how you or I meant the comment.

I have met and know of many lawyers who have been sucked into coke. They keep it going for a year or two but the deeper in they get, the less well they work and they are very very expendable. It is very very sad and wrecks their practice as well as their families. It is a very very high pressure job and Coke isn't the answer.

of course it isn't

and while they are doing it, they are selfish and self obsessed individuals who often ditch their family and their career along the way

it's such a cliche, and yet they do it anyway

but is op's H a lawyer ? Who cares ? The outcome is the same....

If I know anything about coke users, its that they lie.
He may have SAID he had given it up, but I bet he hadnt
As others say, there is NO WAY he didnt know where the stash was - he was just mad you found it, and now is taking it and punishing you for catching him out.

He may promise to give up, but he will just get sneakier about hiding and taking it.

You're talking about class A drugs and saying things like:

I told my brother once about it..he was v concerned but is v young..not one for sage advice.

So your brother's youth counts him out, apparently, and legality also doesn't count. What do you want to see happen next?

OP, do you want support re how to support him detoxing? Or support on how to manage his mood swings? Or support as in venting on here because you can't in RL?

How long has he been using? Is he in his 20's, 30's or 40's? Does he recreationally use other drugs? When he snaps at you what is his reaction to that when he has come down? What's his take on getting clean?

If he didn't spend his cash on coke he could take a less stressful job and you'd be no worse off....

Or that money could go towards childcare so you could focus on your career and this be less dependent - agin reducing his "stress" no?

Ergo it's a shit argument - he takes it because he wants to (selfish) or needs to (addicted).

He won't face up to that reality because you've fallen for the "woe is me" routine.

Time for tough love if you want this situation to change.

As a doctor I treat young men all the time with serious heart problems due to cocaine.

Never mind the devastating effect it is already having on your relationship, how would you cope if he dropped down dead tomorrow?! I can't understand why anyone would take risks line that with their health with a young family who depended on them unless they were incredibly selfish.

And a couple of lines is all it takes to cause life threatening arrhythmia so btw...

Apart from all the reasons already stated on this thread as to why your DH shouldn't be using coke don't forget that the coke trade is truely horrific and causes untold misery to thousands of people. It helps fund the most brutal criminal gangs. People who take coke are a disgrace.

You need to get help for yourselves.

Your DH won't stop using until he wants to, and it's no business of yours to be absolutely frank when that will be. His life, his decision.

Get your life together, and plan to have a life without him.

Get out now, there's NOTHING you can do to help until he decides to stop, and that's not your decision.

What you are in control of is your life, so make decisions that will benefit you and your children. So sorry you are on this path, but it's not a lonely one.

As a Xpartner of an alcoholic I left him to it, and now have a non addicted DH, it's so much better not to wonder what's coming through the door every evening.

anonymous [[http://ukna.org]]

"Families Anonymous
The NA Helpline gets a lot of calls from Friends & Family of addicts.
The first question we ask is "Do they admit they have a problem?"
Because until they do, there's nothing anyone can do.
They have to want it for themselves.

It's difficult to NOT try to save them, but often the kindest thing you can do is stop enabling them.
To find out more, and to get support for yourself, give this fellowship a call.

F.A. (FAMILIES ANONYMOUS) 0845 120 0660
Monday - Friday 1pm-4pm and then again 6pm-10pm. Saturday and Sunday 2-10pm

famanon.org.uk"

Give them a call and get some help for yourself and your kids NOW!

An acquaintance of mine is a widow with 4 young children after her 36 year old husband died last year due to using cocaine. This is the reality of drug abuse.

Narcotics Anonymous website is www.ukna.org

Agree with all responses
OP get support for yourself
You can't change him- please believe all of us who have similar experiences. If you take anything from this thread- take that.
You can only look after yourself - and you HAVE to make sure the kids are insulated.
It will affect them as it will put you on edge.
Try Narc Anon; it will help if you have support from those who have been where you are.
Put yourself first - please let him worry about himself; he is old enough to take that responsibility.

He has a mistress - it may not be human but a white powder - but its a mistress.

how do you feel about that?
He loves her (it) more than you.
Do you have any self-respect.

(And I'm not ranting about the disgusting environmental damage caused by this drug, which my DC would be surprised at.)

One selfish adult drug-user is more important to you than your three small children?

I can't be bothered speaking to you.

Social services will get involved with your family once your DH's addiction comes to light.

Choose between your marriage to this selfish man or your children. Choose wisely and choose quickly before he fucks their lives up completely.

Yes, you love him blah blah blah. What about your children? Don't you love them even more?

Ovid has a very good point.

you love him, but you love your children too and they are relying on you.

If you can't walk away from a junkie because you love him, despite the damage it will inevitable cause to your children then you dont deserve to call yourself a mother.