DH takes coke, can't cope with pressure of life, just flipped and walked out door

[chocolatedrops31]

No LTB please
We have 3 small children and are seriously in love. When we met I knew he wasn't your 'run of the mill' guy. He's very warm and passionate but occasionally gets mad. He is the sole earner at the moment and finds the pressure enormously difficult. He doesn't like living where we live. Most of the time he is a great father and husband but sometimes finds the stress of having a young family too much. For the last 2 years he's been dabbling in coke and this clearly affects his mood. He's just gone back to it after a lovely month long break during which our relationship has been wonderful. He's now back on it. Tonight he was working ..I dressed nice, made dinner, and made a sad face when he said he'd continue working after dinner..a sad face, that's it. He flipped, saying I didn't understand the pressure he was under, all I wanted was more, more sex, more attention. It makes him want to run away..stay late at work etc. he left the house without his phone and is gone. He knows that that will cause me immense stress. He doesn't recognise that the coke causes mood swings..and he won't handle an ultimatum well. I just don't know what to do..last night and today we were all lovey dovey..holding hands..flirting and then he flips. Any advice on how to deal with this situation welcome

He's doing coke at work. Don't you think his employees can spot the signs as well as you can? They're not likely to have never come across a cokehead before - we all have.

The awful thing is that if you asked him to choose the coke or his family his response would be pretty nasty. He'd verbally attack you and make it all your problem.

Whereas his correct response should be horror and abject apology, and a serious re-evaluation of his choices. That ain't gonna happen here.

He may love you and the kids, but you are all in a little compartment in his head. You are not his primary need anymore. The freedom to do coke is dearer to him than anything.

I can't forget about the coke anymore (which is what I've been trying to do since he started it) because I can't let him do that to himself anymore.

Two things, firstly you stop him doing it to himself, its his choice and if you try to force his hand then chances are he will simply go underground and keep it secret.

Secondly, it screams out at me that this is still all about you and him! What about your children? What about the ramifications of them growing up with a junkie father?

You are glossing over it in your selfish desire to stay with this man. Staying with him when its just you is your call, but when you are responsible for children then it isnt just about you anymore. When will you start to put them first for a change?

"firstly you CANT stop him....."

Yeah, its a bit........odd........that you never mention your children at all.

Its almost as if they don't exist.

OP- if in 20 years time your daughter comes to you and tells you that her husband is doing coke what will you tell her? As long as he's a good husband and father it's ok? It's fine for him to flip and have mood swings? It's fine to blow (at least) £150 a month that could go on their children's future?

Did you tell your father? I don't think there is much more we can do for you on here if you aren't going to speak to someone in RL or contact AA or NA. I also think that it is odd that you never seem to answer the questions about your children. Did they witness his behaviour yesterday? because if they did then they are not immune to this at all (and I doubt they ever were). They know daddy has no respect for mummy.

Both you and he are minimising.

He's taking drugs daily, he's not s recreational user he's using it as a prop and is addicted.

He's already shown he can't control his use otherwise he'd still be a 'recreational' user.

Please, wake up. He's an addict and there's no reason to doubt that his use won't continue to increase.

You and your kids deserve to live in a world where it's normal to see the damage that this is doing him, the kids and you. This isn't normal or what's best for your children.

I've read 14 pages of this thread . 45 minutes ofmy life I'll never get back and I'm so angry with you OP I'm screaming from the sidelines.

I just want to get my coat and drag you to the nearest al - anon, nar- anon or whatever the group is called because if you are not listening to the advice here you might listen to someone else.

I'm getting angry because that's how you shouldbe reacting...you should be fucking mental by now.

July 1 st! What sort of cods walloping , buggery bollox is that about.

For gods sake op ...grow a pair and start kicking some ass!

HIS!

You call the shots from now on?

Not buggerybollox July 1 st!

I'm not minimising-my last response was to someone who suggested judging him outside of coke. I'm serious about july 1 and he knows it-whatever the emotional black mail in the mean time. I am serious.
I don't mention the children much because as said previously they are tiny, spend 99% of their time with just me and no, don't witness arguments. I'm quite good at separating things in my head..so as soon as they're in bed I feel miserable and depressed but while I'm with them in the day I can be the cheerful mum.
I'm trying to set a time to meet my dad for lunch tomorrow (I need childcare) otherwise it'll have to be the weekend. I don't want to call him about this. I do appreciate all your advice

"I'm quite good at separating things in my head..so as soon as they're in bed I feel miserable and depressed but while I'm with them in the day I can be the cheerful mum".

Your H is also good at compartmentalising everything.

Your children may be very young but even at this tender age they can pick up on their mum's unhappiness and become stressed from seeing you like that as well. It will certainly become more apparent to them as they become older. You cannot protect or hide this fully from them, they will come to know and they already know something is not quite ok here.

I do not for one minute believe that he thinks you are at all serious about leaving him. You have not done so before now for your own (perhaps selfish) reasons. This July 1st date you and he have clung to is a red herring.

You need to meet your dad face to face and asap.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What does this person do for you emotionally, what needs of yours is he meeting?.

I also think that it is only when you have left your addict will you fully realise the whole extent of your inherent denial.

Addiction is a family disease and whilst you do not use, you are also badly affected by his addiction as well.

You need real life support too from the likes of Nar-anon.

OP - CAN YOU HEAR ME ?
Yesterday evening you posted - he has said he is not going to give up on 1st July, that you are castrating him.
Re-read your posts - all of them

I'm quite good at separating things in my head..so as soon as they're in bed I feel miserable and depressed but while I'm with them in the day I can be the cheerful mum

I'm sorry you are so unhappy, OP.

I feel for you OP because you know the situation is serious but you don't seem ready to end this relationship.

Btw if you have three children they can't all be tiny (unless they are baby triplets.)

Well they are all under 4..
He said he would not give up but then agreed he would in the same conversation but that I was castrating him in making him do so. That was clear from my post. He is committed to giving up and is continuing to keep distance because he is 'disappointed' that I am asking him to do this. He is taking it seriously..I've never asked him to quit before and he knows I've reached the limit. He is just so influenced by the addiction atm that he is in denial re the damage he's doing. If he keeps his promise and keeps off it then his head should clear and he will become the old rational him who doesn't want the drug. (This has happened when he's given up (out of free choice) before). I will speak to my dad tomorrow, primarily for advice as to what to do if he doesn't keep his promise or goes back to it.
I am not generally so unhappy..my terrible unhappiness about all of this coincides with my OP because then it all became real

Ok well please at least change your attitude from trying to see the best in him to looking for evidence that he's hiding it from you, because my money is on him lying again and hiding it again as he did when he started up again last time.

He sounds awful. No idea what anyone can say. Druggies are useless. He can't cope? With what? A job and a family? Those things are among life's good things. How would he cope if anything bad happened?

He says he will not give up but in the same post you state that he is committed to giving up. Which one is it?. You are contradicting yourself here and badly so; you do not know which way is up either.

What evidence do you have really apart from this date that he is going to get clean - and importantly stay clean. He has never managed to stay clean for very long; what is different now?. Nothing has really changed and you are both still locked in cycles of dependency (him) and co-dependency (you).

What if your dad says pretty much what we have; will you still not want to listen to his counsel either?.

Castrating him. What a wally. You may not see it now but one day you will be horrified that you listened to such shit. Just hurry up and get to that day.

He's attempting to fudge the whole issue by accusing you of castrating/controlling him. Classic diversion tactics.

"...because I can't let him do that to himself anymore.."

I reckon you should concentrate your concern on not letting him do this to YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN. He can look out for himself. You know, what with being a grown up and all.

He's not going to give up just because you want him to. That's not how it works. He would only do it if HE wanted to. Clearly he doesn't.
Sorry. He will just keep doing it but will lie to you about it instead.

do you understand that you may not even know the 'old him'?? who's to say he hasnt been using all this time, to a greater or lesser extent.

He thinks all your reasons are shit. If he does quit 'for you' he is going to resent you and hold it against you every time you have a disagreement - it will be his bargaining lever from now on.

But the most telling thing is his attitude that 'you are going to castrate him, just like all women' - he views himself as a wild and free spirit, and women as party poopers who ruin men's fun and try to domesticate them against their will.

That is not a family man, who wants the responsibility and real, deep intimacy of family life - that's a thrill seeking perpetual teenager, looking for quick shallow experiences

He is just so influenced by the addiction atm that he is in denial re the damage he's doing. If he keeps his promise and keeps off it then his head should clear and he will become the old rational him who doesn't want the drug.
This, my love, is bullshit.
Once an addict, always an addict. He may not use, but he will still be an addict, and the temptation to relapse will always be there, everytime an opportunity comes up, every time he feels stressed, or unhappy, or you have had an argument.
Being an addict is a lifelong thing, and until HE actually decides that HE doesnt want to take it, you are always just a bad day away from it all starting up again.
If and when he decides, he will need help to cope, to learn how to deal with the bad times, with the boring times, with the angry times. In the past you never set an ultimatum, so he was just stopping 'for now'. This is supposed to be final, and that in itself adds a huge pressure. Added in it is not his choice, you are getting a barrow full of resentment too.

Op the things is, that people here who've been through what you're going through, have seen and heard it all before

My ex was (is?) a alcoholic taking all the drugs he could get his hands on. I knew he had a serious problem. So, after many years of being upset and trying to deal with it with a tiny baby, I told him that I was opting out. He could do what he liked, I'd try to support him, but as his friend. His one and only remaining friend
When he got the chap from AA round, I discovered that he was drinking loads more than even I thought he was, which was a lot

So, he will be playing it down to you
Of course he is
I would bet money on that

Good luck OP

This thread , and its responses, must have been a bit of a shock to you.

But just think about what everyone says, instead of thinking "oh well, they don't know him".