DH takes coke, can't cope with pressure of life, just flipped and walked out door

[chocolatedrops31]

No LTB please
We have 3 small children and are seriously in love. When we met I knew he wasn't your 'run of the mill' guy. He's very warm and passionate but occasionally gets mad. He is the sole earner at the moment and finds the pressure enormously difficult. He doesn't like living where we live. Most of the time he is a great father and husband but sometimes finds the stress of having a young family too much. For the last 2 years he's been dabbling in coke and this clearly affects his mood. He's just gone back to it after a lovely month long break during which our relationship has been wonderful. He's now back on it. Tonight he was working ..I dressed nice, made dinner, and made a sad face when he said he'd continue working after dinner..a sad face, that's it. He flipped, saying I didn't understand the pressure he was under, all I wanted was more, more sex, more attention. It makes him want to run away..stay late at work etc. he left the house without his phone and is gone. He knows that that will cause me immense stress. He doesn't recognise that the coke causes mood swings..and he won't handle an ultimatum well. I just don't know what to do..last night and today we were all lovey dovey..holding hands..flirting and then he flips. Any advice on how to deal with this situation welcome

If he takes cocaine again, will you leave?

what if he carries on taking it but hides his tracks better? How can you trust him now?

Maybe you do believe him, but I really don't see how you possibly can. He can promise you the moon on a stick but his words mean nothing without actions to back them up. He hasn't shown you in any way that he is serious. He won't seek outside help or support - if he was committed to giving up then he should at the very least be doing that don't you think? I am sorry but I think you are minimising.

"Coke doesn't take long to leave the system so I think the first week-this week-will be the hardest." That's not quite how addiction works, who was it who said - giving up smoking is easy I've done it a dozen times?

Every time your partner has a bad day, is bored, is stressed, unhappy, angry, wants to have fun etc his brain is going to be jumping to automatically wanting the drug - these feelings and any kind of situation where he would normally take it he's going to want to take it. Dealing with the mental cravings / habits over the next few months are going to be really difficult especially without any kind of professional support. Not saying it's impossible but I think it's a lot harder than perhaps you think it might be.

What would you all have me do..say 'I'm sorry darling, I know you've agreed to give up but I don't believe you so I'm leaving anyway' 'I know we are married and have three children but you've messed up and there are no second chances so let's break up our family?'

I think he needs to earn your trust - not presume it is a given. I also don't think he can just stop overnight with no repercussions. If he could why didn't he do it before?

Why are you blaming yourself for this? If you leave him due to drugs the fault is clearly his. I don't understand why you are shouldering all this alone.

Have you found any support for yourself? There are groups you can contact. And what about your family and friends, have you told any of them?

Everyone just wants you to be careful. He might not lie but he is manipulative so you have to be on your guard for that. And relapse is VERY common, particularly when someone is giving up cold turkey and doing it 'for someone else'. Just be aware.

OP, don't be so defensive, it will not help nyou

The questions you are asked o0n this thread are valid ones. No one expects you to have the perfect answer....but you should actually be asking yourself them and planning for the worst I am afraid

I'm only asking what your plans are, what your actions will be in reaction to his.

If he takes coke again, and tells you or you find out he's concealed it, what do you plan to do? That's the stuff you can control, you can decide upon.

Ok thanks-it'd just be nice if people were vaguely positive -no one has even said that him saying he will give up is a positive first step.
I've talked to my best friend but not my dad yet-I want to give DH a chance before telling close family members because telling them will of course lower their opinion of him and I don't want that-in case he does show that he's capable of change. I am skeptical but at the moment I don't think there's much more that I can do, other than give him the benefit of the doubt but have my eyes open in case he goes back to it. It is a major first step-we've been arguing about this since he began doing it, there have been numerous occasions when I've cried, pleaded etc but this is the first time he's said he will stop. That's what I'm trying to get across..giving up may be harder than he realises but he's not the sort of person who will just agree to something for a quite life -otherwise he'd have done that several years ago

nobody is "vaguely positive" because the situation as evidenced by what you tell us he has said and done is not remotely positive at all

You are minimising

you both need professional help

Did you speak to your dad yet ? I guess that's a no then - would that make it real
I've not said LTB - but you are not listening
Addicts lie

Addicts lie

Then they lie some more that includes your DH

...and still you are keeping his secrets for him

love, behaviour like this thrives on secrecy

you are not listening

OP What would you all have me do
Come on, you brought this problem here, people are reacting to what you have told us.

Of course something like this isn't easy and it wouldn't be solved if you just locked him out of the house or you left right now. You have children, you have lives, a business and a marriage. Everyone gets that.

I always think this kind of thread is primarily for support of the person who posts but also to share experiences, offer information and advice and to help promote thought processes that someone in isolation may not be able to access.

You may not be either stupid or naive, but what comes across in your posts is that your DH has promised you an easy fix it answer and you are choosing to accept that. If it was as simple as 'stop or I'll leave you' and his horrified realization that you mean it, then that would be fantastic but you're being warned that it's never that simple and there is also lots of advice here about how to prepare yourself so that you're better placed to cope with the challenges ahead.

I hope you turn to the thread for the support you need rather than feeling negative towards what you're offered.

Thanks Shoes

Him agreeing with your demand that he give it up is not a positive first step because addicts will say and do anything to be able to carry on taking the drug. They need family members around them as a support structure to keep them from losing everything and help them maintain their addiction. When on drugs they are not capable of feeling love you give them or love towards you, they are only capable of manipulation IMO. If you try to love them better and believe them when they agree with your rules they will suck out your soul until you are an empty hollow husk. That is why no-one is vaguely positive. You cannot do anything to help him, he has to do it entirely himself completely away from you.

And everyone has to know and think badly of him otherwise he will keep doing it.

Even if they do he will probably keep doing it.

Never trust an addict and never give them the benefit of the doubt. Crying and pleading are irrelevant to them. It is wasted emotion for you. The only thing that is relevant to them is their addiction and keeping it going; keeping it secret, supporting it and not confronting the consequences of it for as long as they can possibly get away with it. Of course one day he will start saying he will give it up for you, when he thinks you will leave and stop supporting him. But you are not supporting him and you must not see it that way, you are supporting his addiction, which is more important to him than anything; you, work, DC... That's how being physically and psychologically addicted to drugs works.

I think some of the perceived cynicism comes from experience. I know people who have changed, grown, worked on themselves, are twenty years clean. IME the ones who do are:

1. Doing it for themselves
2. Honest with friends and family about it
3. Get good quality help; treatment, drug counseling or 12 step
4. Stopping their minimising, stopping manipulating, understanding that their families need support, reaching rock bottom.

Has your DH done any of those things?

And another thing. My good friend who is twenty years clean accepted form the beginning and still accepts, that his wife is really angry. He always says, "I put her through a lot, she gets to be annoyed about that". When someone enters healthy recovery you, the partner, gets to be angry, sad and act that out. You don't have to to all positive, happy, 'aren't you doing great, honey'.

Because this is real life. He is hurting you and your children with his drug use; you aren't hurting him asking him to give up. So all this guilt and boo hoo stuff, pass it right back to him. Otherwise you get yourself into a situation where you have to be grateful to him for stopping doing something wrong and potentially saving his life. I don't thank someone for stopping punching me in the face. They should be begging forgiveness.

You said right at the beginning that he told you he took cocaine to cope with stress and to function better; that he doesn't like living where you do; that he's under a lot of pressure at work. None of that's going to change overnight if he gives up cocaine: he's still going to have to deal with whatever it is. While you're having these difficult conversations about his drug use, you might as well get to the bottom of why he needs to take it to cope with daily life - are there problems with the business that he's keeping from you? What's actually going on there? Or is that a useful cover for his habit?

If he was doing a few lines for fun at weekends, then maybe yes, he could decide to give up a party lifestyle because you put your foot down. But if it's his crutch to get through the working day, as soon as things are stressful again, he's going to turn straight back to it - and I'd bet he'll then try to 'blame' you again, because he's only working so hard to protect you/his family from the burdens he's shouldering, etc, etc, etc.

Sorry to be gloomy, OP, but looking at this from an outside point of view, I suspect there's maybe a bigger picture here that he's not sharing with you, and you deserve to know exactly what's going on.

I think people are worried that you see a big change in him. He's given up this time, when in the past you've begged and cried and he hasn't. But he's telling you how sincere he is, and how so very difficult this is for him. So, what will you do when he has just a little, little bit? Surely we wouldn't have you leave him just for one tiny slip?

What would I have you say? "I have three children, I'm not staying in a relationship with a junkie for their sake".

And this withholding of affection? And making out what a big deal it is to do this for his wife and kids? Manipulative.

Him saying that he will give up is not a positive first step. It's a delaying technique.
Him actually giving up would be a positive first step.

Just another thing, Vitamin B complex is very good for nerves. If your DP is struggling with stress and on top of that giving up coke, I recommend he start taking Vitamin B complex, even injected for quick effect if there is anywhere he can get that done.

And perhaps some Rescue Remedy

Actually I reckon Attenco made a reasonable suggestion there, Vivacia. When I attended an addiction recovery group, B Vitamins were one of things the group counsellors suggested we try (along with good diet, exercise and a variety of other things). Abstinence is hard; trying to get your general health as good as it can be is a big help.