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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH takes coke, can't cope with pressure of life, just flipped and walked out door

464 replies

chocolatedrops31 · 22/06/2015 20:36

No LTB please
We have 3 small children and are seriously in love. When we met I knew he wasn't your 'run of the mill' guy. He's very warm and passionate but occasionally gets mad. He is the sole earner at the moment and finds the pressure enormously difficult. He doesn't like living where we live. Most of the time he is a great father and husband but sometimes finds the stress of having a young family too much. For the last 2 years he's been dabbling in coke and this clearly affects his mood. He's just gone back to it after a lovely month long break during which our relationship has been wonderful. He's now back on it. Tonight he was working ..I dressed nice, made dinner, and made a sad face when he said he'd continue working after dinner..a sad face, that's it. He flipped, saying I didn't understand the pressure he was under, all I wanted was more, more sex, more attention. It makes him want to run away..stay late at work etc. he left the house without his phone and is gone. He knows that that will cause me immense stress. He doesn't recognise that the coke causes mood swings..and he won't handle an ultimatum well. I just don't know what to do..last night and today we were all lovey dovey..holding hands..flirting and then he flips. Any advice on how to deal with this situation welcome

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatedrops31 · 26/06/2015 08:34

Thanks all-I am thinking of what you all said-really. I'm meeting up with my best friend tonight to talk it all through

OP posts:
redshoeblueshoe · 26/06/2015 08:44

So your not talking to your dad then ?

Original poster
chocolatedrops31 · 26/06/2015 08:58

I am-I'm seeing him tomorrow. I'm also talking to my friend tonight

OP posts:
Wannabestepfordwife · 26/06/2015 09:16

I'm glad your seeking RL support op.

Faithless · 26/06/2015 15:21

I'd like to suggest you keep a diary of coke related incidents and their effect on you and the family. It can be very helpful. Unfortunately crazy things start to become normal when you live with a addict. With a record, you can look back and see exactly what effect his drug taking choices have on you all when you begin to minimize or normalize it. You can also show him the catalogue of heartbreak he has caused. This may help to get him off the stuff for a while. But I'm afraid it's unlikely to be permanent.

I feel very very sorry for you op. As I said previously, I'm sure from your posts you won't ltb for a few years yet, and you've got a shit load of heartbreaking events ahead of you taking you to that inevitable decision.

captainproton · 26/06/2015 19:12

How did things go with your father? Hope it helped.

strong123 · 26/06/2015 20:52

OP - my ex has a serious coke problem. It is Friday night and I know he will be round his mates house getting out of his head. He is 41 years old and would rather spend his money on drugs than supporting his family. I am not quite sure how long he was doing it but it got to the stage last year where his behaviour was having a serious toll on his family (no matter how normal you try it make everything seem).

I am now at the stage where I feel sorry for him - the drugs are the most important thing in his life - certainly more important than his family. I tried my hardest to make things better but it was never enough because he doesn't want to change.

Original poster
chocolatedrops31 · 29/06/2015 07:49

Just wanted to update-he has given up. He is completely serious about it and looking at other life changes to facilitate it. Unfortunately he is responding to my ultimatum and saying that me threatening to leave (which I didn't do directly) has shaken him to core.,he can no longer take our love for granted ..he's v depressed about it, is withholding some intimacy and sex. I don't know if this is real, part of the coke come down or emotional black mail but I think it's a mix of all and he can't distinguish either. He has asked me to give him a bit of space so he can work through everything.
At least he's off the drug and I guess we will see how things go from here. I'm exhausted and down.,babies have started waking up at 5:30 and now I feel like I've lost my major source of support. Even if it all becomes good again, it's hard to see that at the moment!

OP posts:
clam · 29/06/2015 08:14

Hi chocolate. Thanks for updating - good luck with it all. Things WILL get better, sooner rather than later, let's hope.

Flowers Brew

StaceyAndTracey · 29/06/2015 08:28

I think it's him punishing you for daring to interfere with the most important thing in his life .

I hope you both get some RL help soon

Joysmum · 29/06/2015 08:32

He HAS given up = He will try to give up.

Sounds like a peach for seeing this as your problem not his and punishing you by withholding affection. Let's put it this way, if DH or I ever got to the stage of an ultimatum we'd be mortified that we'd hurt the other and try to make amends, not acting like a dick.

Please be on your guard. He's reverted to drugs secretly before when he was taking your love for granted, there's more at stake now which will mean he'll either continue the battle of giving up or he'll hide it better.

I truly hope it's the former if you honestly beehive that you're a and the kids lives are enriched by him even when he's using.

Expect him to lie to you so be aware to catch it happening sooner rather than later. Flowers

butterflygirl15 · 29/06/2015 09:07

I don't think he has or will give up. He may stop for a few days, blame it all on you and then that will justify him going back on the coke. It will be all your fault. Unless you are with him every waking moment you cannot trust him one jot. He took drugs at work - what is to say he isn't doing that right this minute at work now. He is hardly known for his trustworthiness is he?

redshoeblueshoe · 29/06/2015 09:15

Did you speak to your dad ? What does he think ? Sorry but he says he's very depressed about it - when he had previously said he would give up on the 1st. I honestly don't think you can trust a word he says at the moment. Please get yourself some RL help. I think thinks are going to get worse, he will be more secretive, he will blame you, he will carry on - as he just things your nagging him, and that there isn't an actual problem. Flowers

AnyFucker · 29/06/2015 09:23

if you really want to hold onto this man, you have to stick with it and take no responsibility for his poor life choices

Original poster
chocolatedrops31 · 29/06/2015 09:25

Guys you can believe me or not-you must trust that I know my DH. He has given up and he does mean it. He doesn't lie and never has-that's one thing in certain of. He did say he considered pretending to me that he'd give up-but knew that doing that would signal the end . I do trust him on this . That's why he's struggling so much with this-if he was simply not going to tell the truth then his reaction would be different. Also, he does seem to accept (deep down and when the addict's not talking)-that it was all getting too much and he needed his hand to be forced to make him stop.

OP posts:
redshoeblueshoe · 29/06/2015 09:47

chocolate - I believe that you believe him, but addicts lie. People responding to you are concerned about you and your DC.
You and your DH need professional help. I'm assuming that you haven't spoken to your dad yet. Please do that. His language is that of a bully not a loving DH.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/06/2015 09:51

It is very difficult to give up such an addiction without outside professional help.

People lie and addicts in particular do lie and are also adept at telling the enabler what they want to hear. You're both really lying to yourselves and each other now.

PoppyBlossom · 29/06/2015 11:33

He's made the decision to stop and informed you. He won't have given up until a minimum of 6/12 months without a lapse. Is he capable of that?

You cannot control what he does, what his choices are or what he tells you about. What you are in control of though is your reactions. Time for you to step up, put your big girl pants on and do what's best for you and your kids. What are you going to do op? If this isn't really the end, if the addiction resumes. Think about you and your actions from here on in.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 29/06/2015 13:31

I think the situation is much more serious than you're allowing yourself to believe OP. You're enabling him and minimising.

Guys you can believe me or not-you must trust that I know my DH. He has given up and he does mean it. He doesn't lie and never has-that's one thing in certain of

Possibly not pre-planned and considered lies, but from everything you've written I think he's lying to himself and you're accepting what he says because that version is what you want to believe is true. People here with experience can see through it though and are cautioning you for your own sakes. Please don't take any of the comments and advice as anything other than concern about the situation for you and your children and of course your DH too. He's already started blaming and punishing you for having his best interests at heart, that is not the sign of someone in a healthy place.

Rather than yoga I think you should spend some time on genuine and informed drugs education.

pocketsaviour · 29/06/2015 13:54

Please do encourage him to seek outside help OP. If he is now admitting that it was "getting too much" then perhaps he would be more amenable to this?

I also really strongly suggest you contact Narc-anon who should be able to help you through the next few weeks and months - because if he's serious about giving up, it's going to be a struggle.

redshoeblueshoe · 29/06/2015 13:57

Enrique - that's what I was trying to say - you have put it much better than I did. We are not against you - we are worried for you. If you really think he is telling the truth get him to read this thread.

Twinklestein · 29/06/2015 14:02

Saying you've given up an addiction and actually sticking to it are two completely different things.

I haven't the whole thread, but suspect you don't understand addiction if you think this is over in any way shape or form.

He may not be lying OP, but he may not be able to kick it.

He needs to be on a 12 step programme for a start.

Twinklestein · 29/06/2015 14:03

^ read

DeltaDaenerysWhite · 29/06/2015 14:08

Sorry OP.

In the space of two days you're saying that he's completely given up? On Friday it was not looking good and literally 2 days later you're convinced he's given it up? Wait like 2 months and see if he is still as devastated as he is telling you. Addicts are addicts and they lie through their teeth because they think they can get away with it.

I have heard of people giving up coke cold turkey with no outside help. But you have to REALLY want to. He doesn't really sound like he does. You would need to be with him 24 hours a day to make sure he isnt lying. That's no life to live is it!

Original poster
chocolatedrops31 · 29/06/2015 14:23

I will of course be checking whether he's lying but I don't think he will...I'm not stupid I know that it's not simple and so does he. He also knows that I'm serious and was prepared to leave -and that's what shook him up. I'm not a naive person, I can just hope that he'll stick to what he's said but he's aware of the repercussions if he doesn't. At the moment he says he won't seek counselling -but if he struggles maybe he will reconsider. Coke doesn't take long to leave the system so I think the first week-this week-will be the hardest.

OP posts: