DH takes coke, can't cope with pressure of life, just flipped and walked out door

[chocolatedrops31]

No LTB please
We have 3 small children and are seriously in love. When we met I knew he wasn't your 'run of the mill' guy. He's very warm and passionate but occasionally gets mad. He is the sole earner at the moment and finds the pressure enormously difficult. He doesn't like living where we live. Most of the time he is a great father and husband but sometimes finds the stress of having a young family too much. For the last 2 years he's been dabbling in coke and this clearly affects his mood. He's just gone back to it after a lovely month long break during which our relationship has been wonderful. He's now back on it. Tonight he was working ..I dressed nice, made dinner, and made a sad face when he said he'd continue working after dinner..a sad face, that's it. He flipped, saying I didn't understand the pressure he was under, all I wanted was more, more sex, more attention. It makes him want to run away..stay late at work etc. he left the house without his phone and is gone. He knows that that will cause me immense stress. He doesn't recognise that the coke causes mood swings..and he won't handle an ultimatum well. I just don't know what to do..last night and today we were all lovey dovey..holding hands..flirting and then he flips. Any advice on how to deal with this situation welcome

I apologise for being flippant, but recommending supplements supports the delusion that OP can control this in some way.

Treatment for cocaine addiction in a drug treatment centre does involve being given vitamin supplements.

Best wishes to you and you DH. I hope he succeeds.

chocolatedrops, good luck, I hope he does give up. Remember that actions speak louder than words, and please look after yourself and your DCs first.
He will do it when he's ready.
You will save yourself much heartache if you recognise it's his choice and there's not that much you can do to change his mind one way or the other.
You might think that sounds defeatist- it's not I hope, but it's the result of a number of years of experience of a very similar situation.

You sound deep in it all, enabling and excusing him and putting up with shitty treatment, and it's all about him isn't it, not what's best for you or your DC.

Yes, leaving until he's sober would still be your best course of action. You wouldn't be breaking up the family, his addiction is already doing that. You would be protecting the DC. If your H used this as an excuse to take drugs that would be his choice.

I see what you're saying Vivacia. Vits etc are good but I agree with you that the motivation would need to come from the addict and not their loved ones.

Have been reading through this thread and recognise so much of what you're going through OP; you're in a really tough place, we know that, becuase a lot of us have been there. Everything you have said about what he has said and done and behaved in all your updates are just following the classic addict script.

The dissembling. The manipulation. The delaying. The turning it all around on you. The fact he is now 'punishing' you for 'making him give up coke'. If he really accepted it was a good thing to do for himself to give up coke, then he wouldn't be resenting doing it would he? Let alone insisting on blaming you. The solid gold balls of the man actually daring to say - he, who has been jeopardising his marriage and the well-being of his wife and kids with his addiction - that your attempts to get him to stop the stuff in order to save the family are making him question your love for him. Incidentally, all this, the putting the whole thing on you, the blame etc is a very easy way of him to setting himself up to allow himself to fail. It's a classic addict maneouvre.

I really feel for you OP but the fact is, I fear he's going to make you and your kids learn the mantra for those involved with addicts that "you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it" the hard way.

Thanks those who gave support. And I'll get him to get those supplements. Just to clarify-he has given up, he's not saying he will. On Sunday night we had a huge discussion where I was more frank with him then I've ever been before..I took a lot of what I've read on this thread, about how we'd both been normalising the addiction, how wrong it was, how out of step with any kind of reality, how upset I was that he'd continued for years knowing full well what stress he was putting me through-even through my last pregnancy. I also said how I was not going to pushed to be that 'cool' wife anymore, who says nothing because she doesn't want to be the nag and wants to keep the peace etc. anyway I was really honest for the first time and amongst his denial and apparent horror at the ultimatum, there were moments where he seemed to understand and accept the truth in what im saying.

After the whole withdrawal of affection and cold shoulder for the last few days..last night he was more apologetic ..this morning he's taken my son out for the morning instead of going to work (coke seems to make him obsessed with work -and I guess that's also where he has been doing it).
These are all tiny steps and I know we have years to go, to see if any of this is real..but it's a start.
Re stress-we are making steps to reduce the stress, we are going to move in order to reduce living costs and me going back to work will help (a tiny bit). I still want to look at yoga -because however laughable it is to many of you-he needs more healthy mechanisms in order to deal with daily life

I don't think it's at all laughable. You do whatever you need to in order to cope with stress.
I'm glad things are looking more hopeful for you. Wishing you well.

OP, I think you misinterpreted the responses to your yoga idea. The negativity towards it was when it was mooted as some kind of first line solution.
It's not laughable in itself as a relaxing recreation, it was simply that people think it's something to be mentioned way down the ranking compared to professional help and education.

Good luck with it all, finally being totally honest and accepting that in the past you've played 'the cool wife' are very important steps to take and hopefully if you do move and reduce living costs etc. that will also help. Just stay on top of being highly vigilant and brutally honest with yourself.
Don't shy away from professional help and support.

Those of us who have disagreed with you are giving you support. Folk here are on your side, and just want you to take the blinkers off and be realistic.

Minimising his behaviour and blindly believing he has given up, when past behaviour suggests otherwise, is foolhardy. You do need to protect yourself and get support for you. To believe he has given up and is cured overnight is at best incredibly naive. For you to be able to trust an addict you need a lot more than him having a couple of conversations with you about his behaviour.

Yeah - like getting professional help

and telling your dad - at the minute its your little secret

I bet he doesn't want you to tell anyone.

Those who gave support is an insult - you mean those who have not challenged you.

And its not yet July - maybe he won't cope with the heat today
well it doesn't matter - you know he loves you, a few lines won't matter,
then technically he's not lied to you, as its not 1st July

I know people have said SS won't come snooping - well read some of the boards, so much advice on here is ring SS.

Do you want us to provide lists - people we know who have destroyed lives due to drugs - or people who thought coke was safe - but are no longer around to tell the tale.

Thanks those who gave support. That would be pretty much everyone on the thread from what I can see.

If you are going to live with an addict, even one in recovery, you need to learn that support can be hard, it can be tough, it can even seem nasty. Because it has to be honest, straight, clear.

For the 3rd time I suggest you go to Al Anon, OP, you really need the benefit of other people's experience in RL in this

I have just read the whole thread. It has been compelling reading because I am also an ex-coke user. When you are in the midst of regular coke use you really are in a complete fantasy world. You will tell yourself anything to justify your continued use and you'll also tell your family/loved ones anything to get them off your back.

I think you really need to accept the possibility that although he says he has given up now there is a strong chance he is either (a) telling you what you want to hear or (b) likely to go back to it sooner or later without some outside support.

I have known recreational cokeheads who can use on rare occasions and never miss it in between. I have also known heavy daily users whose septums have dropped out in the shower or when they went to wash their face. From what you have said about your husband, using daily, using at work (big red flag there), his habit is not recreational and not something to be treated lightly. Going cold turkey probably won't cut it.

If he doesn't want to go to a meeting (NA etc) or seek counselling support in person, do you think he would want to try an online meeting. Cocaine Anonymous offer these meetings. CA is a 12 step thing like NA but obvs focused only on cocaine use.

The meetings can be done by Skype or by email. He may find the latter preferable as it is that bit more anonymous.

www.ca-online.org/meetings/

Drug addiction is a family disease, you can get support for yourself from Families Anonymous. If he's serious about not using, he'll want you to get support for yourself

I wish you all the best OP. I too believe that you both need more support than just yourselves and that at the moment, he hasn't done anything to earn the trust that you have in him. In disagreeing with you throughout this thread, my intention has been to be supportive.

If you don't want us to tell you to get out of a relationship with a drug addict who neglects his wife and kids, precisely what are we supposed to tell you?

Thanks serene12 and fearand loathing. I'll look into both those support networks.
I was looking for constructive help through this forum and I've had a lot. That help has led me to be stronger than I've ever been and for him to agree to quit. Yes it'll be a struggle but My intention was never to walk away if he showed he would listen-and he has. Obviously if he goes back to it at a later stage, that'll be different. Thanks all

Sometimes constructive help is exactly what we least wish to hear - be careful what you wish for. With that said, this is of course your decision.

I hope it works out for you both and I hope you all stay safe.

If you leaving is his rock bottom then perhaps he can sustain this but I would hold at the front of your mind that it is 50/50 he will relapse.

My rock bottom was kicking a female paramedic in the stomach, she was trying to help me because I'd fallen down some stairs, split my head open and my heart trace was irregular. So my reaction after a gram to her helping me? I kicked her, hard. I assaulted her and the police were called. That's quite a typical rock bottom for addicts. Being told your spouse may leave you might not be the catalyst he needs. Be cynical OP because coke and those addicted to it need to be treated with cynicism because it really does make you not give a fuck about anything, anyone or yourself. Your H will have this mindset.

I get that you don't want to LTB. On paper it's kind of sensible advice. But you know we aren't all widgets off a production line. Every situation is unique. My mum was a functioning alcoholic and I'm so glad my dad didn't walk out on her.

I am not saying that you should stay with your husband if his behaviour is intolerable and damaging your children. I am just saying that sometimes it isn't the end of the road.

I sure though that my own addictive behaviour is rooted in my childhood experience. So, I guess OP you shouldn't get complacent. Just be aware.

Glad it's all liking positive at the moment op
The times you have to be careful about are the times he goes out, because a night out isn't going to be NEARLY as good without the coke. The whole process of getting some, etc are part of a night out

I think most of us giving a vaguely ltb answer didn't necessarily mean you have to leave and leave permanently. More that self-preservation means one is likely to end up threatening to leave in order to stop enabling the behaviour. And a threat has to be something you will followed through on otherwise an addict will take advantage of the failure as a weakness.

...amongst his denial and apparent horror at the ultimatum, there were moments where he seemed to understand and accept the truth in what im saying.

After the whole withdrawal of affection and cold shoulder for the last few days..last night he was more apologetic ..this morning he's taken my son out for the morning instead of going to work

If this is considered by you to be positive then I think your expectations have been drastically and damagingly lowered by living with an addict TBH. The best you can say is that you believe he seemed to understand, whilst stonewalling you he was a bit sorry and he's not gone to work today?

You are still trying to control his addiction with all the looking up support groups and yoga classes. The whole point with your OP was that he has to want to do it and he has to be the one doing it if it has even the slightest chance of working.

I wouldn't let my DC be around a coke addict or alone with a coke addict but you are letting him play happy families on the slimmest sliver of hope...

All you will likely be doing is pushing him to become better at keeping it from you. Forcing it underground. Because you are making yourself an enemy of something that he feels is more important than anything.

So now, if he really does believe you are serious in what you say, you'll probably find out he is using only when your child is injured in his care or when he assaults someone or has medical complications or something goes spectacularly wrong with his work.

I know you think that putting your family in opposition to his addiction will be the kick he needs, but really if he was in any way likely to agree with that sentiment then he wouldn't need to be told by you. He knows he has a family, he believes it should not impede his addiction.