HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

Green your alleged behaviour a YEAR ago???? Absolutely appalling. You mean a year ago when your world had been blown apart?

The reason it all gets to you is the way they twist things. I've had emails from the ex doing it. Lie after lie after lie twisting events. It's the unfairness,as well as the time either stewing on it or the hours concocting a reply to the sheer breathtaking audacity.

You accused the ex of being a liar? Oh dear, what the hell is wrong with some of these twunts? MAN UP!!!! Do they burst into tears when someone gets served at the bar before them? Are they traumatised at swear words? Is being called a fucker worse than committing adultery??

Of course it all gets to you. But WWK is right in all she says.

Oi Mr Green, grow a pair. And I don't mean pineapples. See you in court you twat

Oh Green sorry to hear you're still getting shit, when will it end, I think we all chant that, take care

Hi Deck, Pull up a chair... what happened? What is your court date for?

morning all - my X seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth - despite several emails to him have had no reply about todays meeting - I am actually wondering if it exists now - all very suspicious

i cant do this anymore - i am struggling - i cant put my thoughts down on here cos i think X is still reading - the kids are being caught in the middle - its a fucking mess - i have stuff to do but my head seems to have got caught in that place where I cant stop thinking about stuff - think this is delayed shock from court and realising that he will say & do anything to come out of this "ontop". the meeting today - is this real? what do I do - nothing for fear of getting my knuckles rapped or try and find out what the hell is going on - always the same - pushes me into a place where i feel damned if i do and damned if i dont - oh & the irony of it all - one of his issues is how do we maintain the house so that we can get maximum value - the garden needs doing today - it is not a small garden - i have asked him to contribute to the cost of this - guess what no reply - you know how you feel when you are so beaten down that you cant be bothered to get up anymore - thats how I feel - cant stop crying again - my DD is telling me stuff but she wont tell the X so this is adding to it all - just a mess!

Green really feel for you. I hope bobs or hobbit will be along shortly to support. I'm stuck at work but thinking and worrying about you xx

i thought it might be my ds that had problems with this but think it could be dd - or both - there have been issues before where she has wanted to tell the x stuff but hasn't felt confident too and I have had to back her up - is this him abusing her too - undermining her sense of self - she feels she cant say anything to him that he may not like to hear - what do I do?

Ds is currently on the receiving end of something straight out of the WA book

izzie please dont worry about me- this is me just getting my shit out on here - you have enough going onx

I'm fine. Xx

green my love, I know it's so hard for you atm, you feel battered and bruised from all sides I'm sure.
Can you get the garden done and send him the invoice? I think in the grand scheme of things it can wait though can't it? You and your children are more important than getting the house sorted.
I really don't know what it will take to get your ex to recognise the damage he is doing. He needs to acknowledge his responsibilties as a father, and provide a stable environment for his children to live and flourish.
Court can be a shock to the system, you're probably still suffering a bit from that. We are here to support you. Please take care of yourself.

Green Remember he's equally responsible for practical stuff like the garden don't take it all on your own shoulders. focus on what really matters, you and your children x

thanks hobbit the hedges need doing - this is what I do - I organise things I try and carry on - I ask him to cough up where he still has some responsibility but he wont - same with the kids school trip - still thinks its fine for me to pay half - except half no longer applies to dividends does it?so do I knock it off the end pot? - i want to give up but I cant - i have to keep moving forward - I can do nothing about the meeting so we will see what develops - but at least the garden will look cared for. he thinks its ok just to dump the shit he doesn't want to deal with - i dont work like this - so i guess i have to still pick up the slack caused by him - more or less what Ive been doing for years when I think about it!

braving sorry you have made me laugh - he wasn't equally responsible when he lived here - not the last years anyway - think thats why he buggered off - got fed up of his responsibilities and didnt like being reminded of them -but at least he contributed to the cost. Funny how he really loved the hedges when we moved here - novelty soon wore off though! perhaps this is still in store for OW

not that I really care about her - her chances of playing happy families are diminshing more and more the longer this goes on - they are never going to be part of a blended family so guess somewhere along the line X will still have a choice to make - her or kids - same decision I told him he had to make before he left - his stupidity - thinks he can still have it all!

oh Green I feel for you. You would never believe how similar are twunts are behaving.
Bravings right..focus on you and the children. i know it's hard because the bastards just get in our heads again.
I don't think they will ever ever realise the damage they have done to their children - we are endlessly picking up the pieces of their childrens smashed lives while trying to dealing with the horrors of divorce every day. There just look the other way as they ride into the land of no responsibilities.
Every morning I find it harder and harder to get out of bed - it's as if I'm paralysed - just how much more can they sling at us. I've got to go to the doctors now and then counselling but if you want to pm me anytime.
I haven't posted everything the weasel said/did at the weekend yet but it's beyond belief.
And by the way fuck the garden - it will still be there tomorrow. (The weasel also claims that he couldn't talk to me because of my foul mouth - well it wasn't foul before he shit all over me and my girls).
Take care xx

Green I know what you mean one thing that has perversely made this easier is that he did fuck all anyway so day to day I just carried on. The odd thing he did do like the garden and essential d&y (he only ever the basics) I've just got someone in to do.

However if you're looking to sell and he's concerned about maintenance to get a good price he needs to cough up.

DD is currently refusing to get involved with his new life, so his hope of her playing happy families with them aren't looking good. His parents equally don't want to get involved so he's isolated himself. It'll all bite them on the ass, might take them a while to realise it but it will.

green I know it's really difficult but try not to let him get to you. As I'm sure you've learnt by now, this is all a twisty game. All the not answering to emails etc is so classic. I tried it twice during mediation after he said we should contact each other directly. No reply. So all contact has been via sol or mediator. Of course I still get no reply to a lot of stuff and have come to expect it. He knows he will be winding you up by doing this. One of the reasons I was happy to sell the house was I knew I didn't have the money to maintain it and knew he wouldn't pay a penny.

If he doesn't want to help maintain the garden then fine. It isn't going anywhere and will survive. Perhaps you could make any communication (if you have to) more of a statement rather than a question? EG "I will do what I can to try to keep the house and garden presentable but am not able to do it all. Any contribution you make towards this is up to you" It could probably be said better but along those lines. This way you are showing him you do not need an answer and are leaving the ball in his court.

Re knocking stuff you have to pay for now off the end pot you'd have to ask your sol. I might be that a barrister could request an extra amount to cover this. I have paid for every school trip my DC have been on. In fact I have paid for everything except a couple of things for them. I do not expect to get that back, despite having the lower income.

Re the kids, it's so difficult to know what is going on in their heads and what they think of what is happening around them.

Green speaking as someone whose H left in the middle of a major decorating project, leaving me no choice but to continue, I feel very strongly that as the house is still jointly owned, they cannot expect the remaining joint owner to do all the necessary work improving and looking after their investment. This is particularly relevant if the house is up for sale. If they want it to look its best, then they should help to keep it that way. Maintaining a garden, keeping the house pristine, as well as dealing with the financial matters, viewing and clearing the house of God knows how many years of accumulated stuff, as w ell as dealing with the packing up for moving......no, it's not reasonable to expect one person to do it all.

Braving your earlier comment re DD rang bells with me. I'm wondering if that's why my ex is so controlling about everything else, because he can't control the fact that his sons will have nothing to do with her. I think when they have an affair and the wife doesn't chuck him out, as in my case, they feel in control of people. And then it all goes pear shaped when the wife finally wakes up and decides NO. Even if that stage isn't reached, in my case, until he had gone. In other words, the option of returning has gone, well past its sell by date.

A message to the poster who named changed specifically to leave an inaccurate and spiteful comment for me some time ago

I reported the matter to MN and the post has been removed, together with my reply.

I know who you are, it didn't take much working out.

Next time you have something to say, try posting under your own name, instead of hiding behind a false identity.

Better still, go deal with your own issues.