HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

2 fucking hours trying to sort out the solicitors and missing mortgage offer and missing car insurance refund. 2 fucking hours. I feel so angry. Perhaps I want to run away from all of this and go and set myself up in a fucking bachelor pad and let someone else deal with this shit?

I could have a good cry about this but I'm so fucking fed up of crying.

myturn I at work but thought I would say been there .. Simple tasks are awful ... A hug from us all ( boss watching me so being careful ) KOKO all x

Myturn stay strong. Its all shit. It will all get better.

Whats that saying? It goes something like this. Everything will all be ok in the end. If its not ok, its not the end.

Thanks both, it meant a lot to read your messages. Sometimes it can feel so lonely.

Day took a turn for the up once I got off the phone and stuck my head in to some work. Treated myself to a takeaway lunch from a cafe too. Not long until the end of the working day now and this evening I am braving a new social activity.

And honestly, this rain is not helping!

Just a few words online , a few words in RL can make all the difference to someones day.

Amazing. I wish ExW had said a few words to me before she f*ed off. Might have saved our marriage.

But the reason for posting is to say we all need a little help some days.

I wondered today at work had I done enough , had I been too hasty ? Guess I will never know but she did me wrong so I guess I did the right thing by not being treated badly by her forever?

Just a thought going thru my mind today .

KOKO.x.

I have similar thoughts drift, but we have to set boundaries and say, "this is where my line is" don't we?

I wish I could muster up half of that dignity today

Myturn - I know exactly what you mean....I'm always struggling with whether to continue considering and discussing reconciliation, or whether to tell him to shove off for good and not see DH again...
But then each time I think I've reached the point of not wanting to wait any longer, or feeling hugely let down by any failure on his part to arrange time to talk or reach any agreement either way - I hit rock bottom, feel utterly bereft at not giving my DCs every possible chance to have a family life raised by two loving parents.

I don't understand why I was coping pretty well in the first 3 - 4 months, generally positive and determined to get on with life, starting to explore some casual dating, enjoying my evenings - and now with the possibility of reconciliation, and DH not wanting to give me trying to get back together - I feel really up and down, very aware of being on my own, missing him hugely.

I'm so frustrated at feeling so emotional and pathetic after having come this far - and especially when he keeps wanting to talk about a way to coming back, I don't understand why I'm not feeling strong and in control.

And I do want to see if there's a way to reconcile....

that should be 'DH not wanting to give UP trying to get back together'

I'm so frustrated at feeling so emotional and pathetic after...

Yes, I feel this too.

Every day feels like three. At the end of the day I feel glad just that I survived it.

Hey I feel like it too still, why am I still crying ? I wonder what the future holds.
I don't like it either. It is annoying.

I have survived thus far & that is good. I do my utmost to keep busy even if it means walking my dog for miles. I would never be where I am today without my dog, he has been a lifesaver.

And yet it was ExW who wanted a dog and cleared off without a look over shoulder.

Sorry slight moan.

Reconciliation. Goodness me such a tough call, do what you feel is right , not what you are being made to feel guilty about if you see what I mean ?

KOKO x

Drifted and Myturn - probably a bit late in the evening for you, but sending you both a hug, and it's comforting to know that there's someone who knows how you're feeling...

As you said earlier Drifted, there are times I just want to call it a day and not consider reconciling - it's a hard road, much to forgive - but then if I didn't, would I regret not having waited a bit longer, gone through the tough shit a bit longer. And it would be easy to write DH off as a cheating wanker, but there's a lot of people who fuck up in life - and I've walked away from other relationships for far less cause - but I love this fucker dearly, he's a complicated, difficult person - but a lot of good things that redeem his character too, and he's clearly not committing to his OW, and says that he's unable to because he loves me still, and he loves his children hugely, and misses family life.

I know the whole situation has caused him as much pain and torment as it has me, and he also has huge guilt and remorse over his behaviour.
But it's the uncertainty as to whether he has the commitment to repair all this damage that concerns me, and whether I would just resent him and mistrust him, or whether we do love each other and want the best for our children enough to move forward.

Got to just KOKO, and see what tomorrow brings, eh? x

Truly I haven't really been following the thread much recently, but your last post.....if I had got out of my marriage, called time a lot sooner, I would have saved myself a lot of stress and grief. And I would be probably through the whole process. BUT, what I have now is the knowledge that I did everything humanly possible to save my marriage. I may have wasted a number of precious years in the process. But I can look myself in the face. I didn't piss away 33 years, he did. Having said that, my ,overly sons got caught up in all of it. They are my thoughts.

Lovely, not overly

Whilst here, an update on my situation. My sons and I are happy. We have our own close unit. He hardly sees his sons. I knew that would happen. His fault. But he blames me. He is increasingly spiteful and bitter towards me. She is putting pressure on him to commit financially to her. He is resisting. Joint finances are still running. He buries his head at any mention of divorce, financial settlement etc. I haven't a clue what's going on in his mind. I no longer care. I have my plans for the future. I'm happy to take things as slowly as he wants. It suits me just fine. It will be 9 months at the end of the month. I now do certain things without a second thought. I tackle things I've never done before without any fear. I'm confident and proud to be a single woman. I would rather be separated or divorced than be in a bad relationship. It has been said on various threads to push for finances to be sorted asap whilst they feel guilty and before they turn nasty. The ex was never nasty before he left. Now I don't even recognise him. He is bullying and controlling. But he takes on Izzie at his peril. He can't provoke any reaction from me now, and he doesn't like it. He tries to control me, but it no longer works. The vile OW continues to try to push me into the gutter by suggesting cutting me off financially. And here I still am with his credit card, salary etc etc. And on the odd times he comes to the marital home, he sees more and more being done by me. He really thought I wouldn't be able to do it all. He underestimated me. I did too,,to be honest. imjace resolved and worked through a lot of the issues. He has worked through none. Only a few weeks ago he was still coming out with stuff that he should have resolved by now. And he could have done that with my help or through counselling. But he wasn't man enough he just cut and run. But as he has realised, you can run, but it still stays with you. I've faced all my stuff head on, gone through every emotion, each one graphically illustrated on the various Hobbit threads. And that's why I'm in a good place. I have my moments still, of course, that's natural. But I'm well on the way. And with the support of some very good friends I've met through MN we continue to support and laugh our way through this process. I lost a cheating arsehole husband and gained peace of mind and some wonderful friends. I'm more than happy with that.

And here's the lovely picture that in my mind will always be associated with Izzie. And it would seem that some of the old guard feel the same. I love that picture. I ordered a copy of it today. To me it's as much part of my story as the lovely Jess pics. So to all the lovely ladies, and the random Drifted, KOKO xx

Reconciliation - I think you'd have to be very clear on what it would take. I'm afraid in my case I just shouldn't take him back. As much as I want this to have never happened, and I dreamt about us being back together only last night, I just can't take him back. I don't want this new, selfish, cowardly version of him. If it were this new version I was meeting for the first time I wouldn't choose him and I'd rather be single.

Wow, I've surprised myself there. I wonder what my thoughts would be at 6am, or 7 or 8..!

I have resolved and worked through a lot of the issues. He has worked through none.

This strikes a chord with me Izzie, thank you for posting it.

Izzie, I love your pic, She's so wonderfully independent.
You sound like you have come such a long way in those 9 months. My H told me before he left that I was weak and a diminished version of what I used to be. Harsh words, but I'd like to think he was wrong, I held the family together all the time he was out drinking and partying and failing to come home and be a part of the family, the DC's aren't really aware how bad it got - obviously couldn't avoid them knowing when he was drunk as it was pretty blatant. I'm still holding them together as he is off having his summer of fun and they are beginning to struggle, but he doesn't see this. I'm pretty sure I've got more strength than he gives me credit for, just doesn't always feel like it.

Truly - sounds like a difficult decision when you've gone so far along the road particularly doing what's best for DC's. I don't think reconciliation is something I'll ever be offered - not sure how I'd feel about it. He'd certainly need to make it a pretty special offer now..
KOKO all xx

Good morning all,
Izzie595 - lovely to see a post recognising how strong you are. You will come out on top, it is the only way - keep climbing. Do you think his lack of financial commitments to the OW means he's not in fact that serious? I often wonder if these men just walk along that road until the fire fizzles out, never fully committed to the choice they made but rather than make them selves seem as fools they just stomp along in a destructive manner.

I was talking to my boss, who's husband was a serial cheat and in the end did leave for the OW as all of us have she found this difficult to accept and spent a long time with a woe is me attitude, it is only recently she said have spoken to him that she realised she"won" she has her own home, a new career and her sons hers - he well he's still with the other woman but just as unhappy as before.

Sometimes the grass isn't greener once the dust settles and the wives stop chasing and fighting for their exes, I'm sure once they no longer have a claim on family life it is when it hits them most. Relationships are new and exciting at the beginning and then we all get comfortable and they are much the same as before, except these new ones have guilt, financial strain and broken families waving in the background not such an easy path is it. We though can hold our heads high, no hurt was caused by us and we will be at peace with this much sooner they ever will be.

Paddlingduck, you got me thinking, is there someone you could ring or email about your day? I know it's not the same as cuddling up on the sofa and having a chat, but that sharing/debriefing is something I really miss. A friend suggested that I email her each evening and I've found that helpful, so long as she doesn't feel she has to reply.

And of course I'm still in touch with my ex by email each day.

It's so strange to call him that.

Hello, lovely Hobbiteers, sending out love and strength to you all, reconciliation is a hard road, and not one I could ever travel, < not that he's shown any sense of wanting to anyway> he's happily skipped off to his new life, on his fourth holiday in 8 months... Some Jess pics to lift the mood..

Yes, I still do that as well paddling my love, I just think, " huh? You actually did that to me? To us as a family? Boggles the mind doesn't it....

I have the boggled mind thing too Hobbit (love the photos).

an unofficial rota Paddling, I have an official rota called the Misery Rota, so that I'm spreading the misery out between friends. It's a bit tongue in cheek and isn't as miserable as it was in the early days.