HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

Morning everyone, good to see you have arrived here safely Tom I followed your threads from the start, rare poster under a different username back then.

/waves at drifted, afraid I agree with WWK re; that excuse of a newspaper. Ironically within a week of finding out I had left her son, my mil posted a similar meme on to her FB.. Very obviously aimed at "fickle ole me" it irks me that I know she would not hear the truth about her son even if I did attempt to explain why I could no live with his oppressive moods, no sex life, gas lighting and other general EA he loved to dish out to me on a daily basis.

Haven't had an awful lot my end to report recently really, he is away on holiday with DD so I am guaranteed a week free of fuckwittery at least.

KOKO all

The Daily Mail can just fuck off, as if we would choose to walk this path unless we were forced too...

I didn't choose to be cheated on and lied to by people I thought cared about me. KOKO everyone, virtually burning every copy of the DM in existence......

Hi all

Goodness me the Daily Fail certainly sparks some conversation ! I am glad you are all my friends. It shows me that I have along way to go . This morning there was a song on the radio that reminds me of my son & ExW instantly I cried despite my good day yesterday. It brings it back immediately what we had as a family.

So to those who think you're not doing well , you are . I am too.

BY the way I don't buy the Fail, my neighbour reads it then me & I recycle it quickly ! I think I may recycle next time before reading it !

If it helps anyone out there, I am looking at any evening class I can attend in the autumn, yoga too , anything that will help me break up the weeks , I too love Autumn , all the seasons but just saying to everyone, all the evening class guides will be online now so it is worth looking now before courses fill up, if you can attend any , as I know some of us are juggling a lot more than me. Just something to consider really, but I will be here throughout the Autumn & Winter to help too .

I want to post my journey & let you all know how we are doing because we are a group, as I approach several very important dates in my life , I want to let you know how I am doing & what it does to me & if there is anything I learn that may help you all cope too , if it makes sense ?

Reading others posts always gives me strength.

I am sorry that there are so many I cannot list all our names. But each post is important . It is important to the poster to get it off their chest and it is important that the poster knows that someone will read it . Then you know that you are never alone in Hobbits Bar.

THIS SHIT IS HARD but we can get through together. KOKO> xxx.

I will be recycling the DM without reading it.
Please don't throw me out of the bar.
Going for a walk with the dog, might use DM to poop scoop !
KOKO x.

(I totally missed the Daily Mail thing - I just blank any references to that paper. Bit surprised by the reaction here though, I find many MNers fairly tolerant or even supportive of it. Yay for Hobbit's Bar Clientèle!).

Keep posting drift, we'll all get there.

I am proud to have got through the sad morning with a few emails from ex and not mentioning my sadness to him once.

Hi all, I have been lurking since forever and have lurked on numerous threads for at least four years. I rarely post because I'm in Australia and feel like everyone else says it better, anyway!

It's 10 days off a year for me. I called time on the marriage although things had been awful for 3-4 years prior. Our financials were finalised ("sealed by the court") fairly quickly really, within five months, because my ex hasn't really worked since we moved to Australia, for various reasons, so he couldn't afford to move out until we settled that. He still has a flat in London and despite me being the primary carer of our nearly 5yo DD walked away with more than 75% of our joint assets. But it meant I kept our house here and given I'd been paying for everything for 4 years anyway, I'm in the rare positron of being far better off financially by separating anyway.

What I find so difficult is the constant projection of his own failings onto me. I have his emails go into a separate folder so I have to physically choose to read them and I don't respond to things that are not about our daughter but it's so exhausting. Equally exhausting is that he blames me for everything and takes no responsibility for the marriage ending. We went to counseling a couple of times but when it became obvious even to the counselor that he was using it to pick at me and not look at his own behaviour at all we stopped.

Anyway I guess I am in a slightly different position because I actively ended things so it wasn't a shock, or unwelcome. That's another reason I haven't posted before now. But the fuckwittery continues. I will share more.but wanted to just say hi and thank you for helping me through the past year even though you've not been aware of it!

I've taken up hot yoga when I have a dd free day/evening. It helps a lot in all sorts of ways. I have discovered this morning that your ear can sweat. Weird huh?

I've rediscovered my love of reading too and am starting a wine-drinking-book-club with a handful of close friends and a couple of their friends too. Spurred on by the lovely posters on my thread I realised I have to create opportunities to see people and have a laugh, and a regular evening chatting about books over a nice glass of wine ticks the box for me. The other benefit is that if I can't get a babysitter or he is being difficult over contact with dd I can always bring the party to my home.

I absolutely refuse to allow this shit I am going through to break my spirit and define who I am.

I'm glad you've decloaked Genevieve help us on our way to Meh!

Well, I've just booked tickets for two separate events (blowing my Now I'm Single Budgeting Spreadsheet) and I've joined a dating site.

Or two.

I absolutely refuse to allow this shit I am going through to break my spirit and define who I am.

I'm going to print that out.

Genevieve lovely post and thanks for sharing

Even though I too, actively chose to walk away it does not mean this shit doesn't hurt. I am nearly five months seperated now. Have moments of meh interspersed with sadness and anger. Its a roller coaster indeed, but I chose to ride it.

Drifted thanks for the heads up re; evening classes. Im going to go and have a look around

Welcome Genevieve, I got a lot of support from this thread too before finally posting.
Tomato, I completely agree with your sentiments, I'm hurting now, but I want to be happier when all that's done.

I had just got the cancer all clear before this all blew up and I felt so lucky that the surgeon gave me my life back and I'm not intending to waste it just because he doesn't want to share it with me..

Had a fab afternoon with friends and am now home to lovely, friendly emails from ex

Welcome Genevieve

SparklyDMs I agree that life is short and precious to waste. Well done and congratulations for overcoming cancer.

Myturn Can you redirect those emails to a separate folder you only read once a week so you don't have to have them spoil your day? Maybe get someone else to read them for you and help take the edge off?

I'd only have to ask and he'd stop emailing. I've asked if we can stay in touch each day. I miss him so very, very much.

I'm having another spell of "I want everything to go back to normal now". This hurts so bad and I feel so pathetic. He's happy now and I'm so miserable.

Hi everyone

Myturn I mentioned earlier about music .. so don't think it is a bad thing about wanting the clock to go back , I wish I could turn it back , but probably not as much as ExW would .

BUt we cannot. Because they have damaged us and our relationships. Whether that can be repaired I don't know for you. That is your choice if that arose because I had a chance & I just couldn't do it, she never really gave our marriage a chance after the affair, I don't even know if it is still going on , I don't care about that .

I do know how much you miss him though . I missed her, I still do but I miss the old pre-lies her. Not the liar who let me beg for her not to leave me. She watched me plead and still walked out she could have just walked out and left a note , so I don't really want to be with someone like that who can be so cold.

You are not pathetic. Don't think about his "happiness" . Think about YOUR future.

That is what is important to you. It is so early I think for you so just post if you're feeling shit. Nobody cares what you post but when people mention you, it is because we in the bar care about you ( and everyone else who is in the same shit boat ).

WE are a good bunch here. Despite my Daily Fail ramblings even I am still welcome in the bar !

KOKO all. Shit weather today. Tomorrow is going to be slightly better.

xxx.

My turn - I felt very similar at your stags. I would've forgiven anything to give things another shot. Now I know I would never and could never go back to someone who did what he has. Slowly you will become you instead of one half of something you become whole and you realise that although they gave you things as a person they also took far too much and it is that which I now hold dear and will not give up again for anyone. I will always be me and a whole person.

I do however still have moments like today where I question if I tried hard enough, did I not do the right things, should I have pleaded and kept fighting for the sake of my children who now have this fractured life ahead of them. I don't know those answers but I cannot change the past. I can just keep doing my very best for my babies and me xx

I don't want him back, I know that I couldn't get back what we had. So I just fall back in to a state of denial and wishing none of this had happened.
Hoping for a calmer morning.

Hi Genevieve, just because you were the one that decided to call time on your marriage doesn't lessen your pain and distress. We are not in competition for who has the worst divorce here, we all know that it takes a great deal of courage to leave an abusive partner, whether that abuse is physical or emotional.

You've done what you believed to be the best for you and your daughter, and it certainly sounds like the right decision to me. Your ex sounds a total nightmare tbh, but now you're free to make your own future happier.
Make sure he doesn't have any more influence or impact on your lives, he's already done enough damage . KOKO x

I love that post whatyousee!

I'm thinking of quitting Match.com before the 14 days runs out.

Go you whatyousee! Enjoy the sun, sea, sand and anything else you might fancy.

I feel so exhausted. I think ex being back in our lives exhausts me as he then takes up head space again. When he's not in our lives the thoughts are more seldom and fleeting.
Only 6 weeks until baby now, where is the time going??!! I feel ready - ish. I have no idea how ex will be at all x

Hi everyone. Good to see you ladies diving into match.com ... I had a toe in ( ooer missus ) & then bottled it ... can't be doing with it presently.

But good to see you ladies are having a go.

Got a holiday in 2 weeks time just in the UK, but being outdoors is my hobby as you know so as long as away from work , home & divorcing shit I don't really care ! Cycling walking running & my dog and some family it will be good.

I hope we are feeling a little brighter today , I think we all seem to have a little weekend syndrome ? Where our thoughts drift to what we used to do as families and now we have to build again and it is shit.

But build we must I guess we cannot look back too much we cannot change the past but we can build something in the future. Slowly but surely. * months on for me. Progress is being made.

KOKO x

Drifted - thank you for mentioning weekend syndrome - I noticed that I always feel so much worse on a Sunday, that may well explain it!
Hopefully will help to KOKO next Sunday..

Thinking of you all this morning

Ups and downs here.