HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

Hi WWK , glad to know you are now settled into your new role and enjoying it.

Your advice and good common sense are very much valued in the bar, your legal knowledge is second to none as well. Thank you for continuing to offer support.

Hi drifted pleased to hear from you, the problem is no one understands this horrible process until you've experienced it first hand. To have the person you thought cared so much for you deliberately treat you so badly is a real shock to the system , and even well meaning family and friends can't really fathom the depths of the pain and distress it causes. But we do, because we've lived it and got through it, or are still fighting our way back to some sort of normality. You are at the end now, and you're still standing, and offering advice to others, that shows you're a kind, decent man.
She is a very foolish woman, reap what you sow and all that malarkey .

Hello everyone

Some of you have posted on my threads - I have been overwhelmed by the support I have received. For those who don't know, I discovered my husband of 5 years had been having an affair, and since d-day had continued to be torn which one of us he wanted to be with. I have made the decision for him.

In 3 months I have kicked him out, carried on looking after my 2.5 year old dd, leant heavily on my amazing family, friends (and mn) and finally, finally have got a job which means financially I am no longer reliant on him too much.

I am still struggling to detach when we do handovers with dd. Quite frankly its an utter headfuck.

I've found myself a nice SHL and am going to start navigating this whole divorce malarky and separating finances etc. I'm sure it's going to get difficult and potentially nasty.

So there we go. I'm so sorry I'm not the only one in this situation - its a massive disappointment that there are so many of these despicable idiots out there. Can I join you please?

Tom xx

WWK (Who is KOKOing just the best she can, with what she's got, with all she stands for) You write beautifully

I still cry over her - he couldn't believe it - don't he said - I said I don't want to cry , I JUST DO

Drifted, my sister is the same. "Just don't" she tells me! If only it were that easy

Thanks hobbit I'm still taking life by the hour and every kind or encouraging word is needed.

Welcome tom. I'm sorry for the hard time you're having but I'm so pleased to see that you've made it here. You sound positive and determined this morning

Myturn - I've just seen you are day 19 - thats really early days still. I have been really emotional ever since I found out.

I have felt like I've had really bad luck for a long time and things are finally changing. Am feeling weightless with relief.

Hello all. Been standing outside the bar with my face pressed to the window for a long time, not wanting to admit (I suppose) that this was where I was supposed to be.

I'm about a year on from H saying he was utterly, utterly miserable and going to stay with a friend. Stayed away for a few days, came back. He's been escaping for a few days here and there ever since. He's been unhappy for some time. It's a fairly classic MLC and he's been signed off sick from work for a few months too (not that I blame him, it's been utterly toxic at his work, and that reeeeeaaaaallllly hasn't helped us). He's making a staged return to work from next week but I can't see any future for us now. I've tried hard to understand, read a shitload of books, cried, screamed, been angry, sad, accepting, and everything in between. We are still living in the same house. (It's a very stressful time re: housing for both of us for a number of reasons). We have not told the DCs - DD 17 and home from uni, DS 15 with 3 years of school left. They know something is up as we have not shared a bed for some time - he is often away for work but they notice things. We are trying to be polite and kind to each other. We've been married for 17 years and the past 7 of those have been incredibly stressful for one reason or another. For his part I can see why I have become more of a friend and fellow-coper with the tonnes of shit we've been wading through. We agree neither of us is who we are when we met. Having said that, lots of couples say that kind of thing brings them together and that has not been the case with us.

He has been to counseling and has opened up cans and cans of worms about his childhood. I can see why his early experiences would make him very conflicted about commitment and a lot of the books I have read about this explain it well; it's pretty clear that this is a huge issue with him and the reason that he has pulled away from me at every point where we became more committed. This has always confused me and upset me and played havoc with my self confidence, and though I do understand what is going on for him I cannot see how I can continue like this. Ultimately though, for me it has been a very long succession of lies that has broken the camel's back. Some of these have been about EAs that he has had - some of these I'm not sure I would even call EAs as they were not reciprocated - I call them fascinations. Most of them I can see are with people who had a spark of what I used to have about them that I have lost in the difficult years. Most of them are people he can "help" in some way. But in the last year I have said, ok, we'll separate, you can do what you need to do, but the only thing I have ever asked is honesty (I wrote it into our wedding vows) - and it is the only thing he just cannot seem to give me. Last week I found out that yet again he's been buying things for a woman who is undergoing a fairly traumatic break up - she paid him back the money and if he'd told me about it I would not have been happy but certainly wouldn't have argued about it. But he lied. And hid it. And I found out. And it's the end. I FINALLY realised that his desire to not have to be confronted with his own actions is greater than any respect or emotion he may have or have had for me. It is hard to realise that you come that low down the pecking order, and I have been a very(forgiving) slow learner, but I must begin to rebuild my self esteem now.

I know this might sound so wishy washy to some of you who truly have horror stories - and I am late to the table, having lurked for so long and done lots of my early grieving out of sight - but here I am, admitting this is where I am...and thanks for all the insights over my time in lurkville.

Hello tom and happy and welcome, this divorce shit is so hard isn't it?

I've read through your thread tom and think you're coping really well, I wish I could wave a magic wand and fast forward through the tough times that are coming, but you've had a lot of good advice given to you on your thread, the only difference here is that we are all or have been living this nightmare personally, and can empathise more with the gut wrenching pain it delivers.

happy your husband sounds like a classic " rescuer" type personality, he is attracted to damsels in distress, and sees himself as the hero who can save the day. But now he has put you in distress, by his own actions, so you, by being capable and strong have lost out as it were, he has failed to see that his own house was on fire and needed attention and he just failed to give you enough respect and genuine concern for your feelings that you deserve.

Well, that was a load of waffling wasn't it, heartfelt tho.

By the way, they're both complete cunts for treating you this way.
KOKO lovely ladies, x

Hi Happy I'm a fellow newbie here too, but one of the many supportive aspects of this thread is the uncompetitive nature of it. We're all wading through difficult times, it doesn't make it easier just because someone else is having a "harder" time.

I read something the other day which I felt was really trite at first, but I find it keeps coming back to me, "One door has to close for the next door to open".

Thanks both. Hobbit yes a classic, classic rescuer. So classic that the first time he asked me out I was recovering from a break up...couldn't get any more classic. But I think he's so aware of his own shortcomings that he can only do just so much saving before realising he's in no state to save anyone, and then he runs away. I've not spared him from any realisations about this - but then confronting someone like this with their own patterns makes the whole thing more open, but doesn't save a marriage.

Myturn thank you. I am looking for opportunities and in fact have an interview - a long way away - on Monday

It is in the MLC script to leave the family home and gad about with few responsibilities. If this interview comes off he will be in the family home with the responsibilities and I will not. That has been a bit of a shock, though once he got his head round it he was supportive.

I'm just posting this here and now in order to avoid emailing my ex. I'm just feeling lost and lonely and sad tonight.
I'm doing all of the right things, I think, but it's still painful isn't it?

Its really tough. I'm sat watching pitch perfect with my cat on my lap. I'm also feeling a bit blue. I don't know why I'm checking out mumsnet tonight because its just making me realise how many shit bags there are out there.

Stay strong my turn. He is not worth your words.

Dd is crying for her daddy and my heart is slowly breaking for her. Her whole world must feel so strange. All the things for the baby, her dad leaving, her mum growing the baby. She just needs normal and I don't know how to make that happen. I just want the baby to be here now so that we can make a new normal for the 3 of us x

I've been looking at all sorts of new social activities tonight (societies at uni, walking groups etc) but I'm just naturally one half of a couple I think. I wonder how long I can leave it before it would be ok/normal/healthy to be open to a new relationship?

I think it's unique for everyone my turn.

Obviously it's a bit different for me being pregnant!

I think sometimes it's nice to date for a while rather than be looking for anything serious too soon x

You don't need another man to complicate issues sweetheart. Enjoy your own stuff for a little while. Take strength from your friends and family.

Aw 2little that did make me smile - it would be tricky with a bump I guess. I don't think I'm in a good place for meeting potential boyfriends, but if someone not-a-friend asked me out for a coffee I think that would be good for me.

I haven't done "dating". I remember "going out" and "seeing" someone, but I can't remember anything that came before that. I guess it was, "my mate fancies you". Nowadays it's all texting and WhatsApping and Facebooking (which I'm not on) and before that you've got OKC, POF and Match.com. Is that what your average woman does?

Hmm. I'm going off the idea now.

Hi all

I like a comment earlier. This is by no means a competition . It doesn't matter if you are having a good day , bad day, shit day, horrendous day, worst day.

Because nobody knows what sort of day you are having . Except us in Hobbits Bar.

I have had a really nice day. I have been to see a sister. I have done some browsing in shops. I saw a friend who was chatty and made me feel good , we laughed. I then came home & instantly just didn't want to be on my own . I hate being on my own still. I am just not ready for it. Another friend invited me to a garden centre so I went. I don't care what I do to be out & about.

I have joined an evening class. I am planning ahead. When she first left I couldn't plan a meal .

But let me tell you something. I still think what if ? In the Daily Mail today there is a piece on giving up too easy in your marriage. You see that fricking comment made me think have I done the right thing ? Even now?

So I am saying to you all , this is going to be the hardest thing you are all going to have to do . Endure it. WE cannot do anything about it . WE just have to know that on the other side of it it will be better because it cannot be any worse than it is on day one. Day one was f*ing awful. HOw could she do this to me, when she took months to persuade me we could be good together, I told her please never hurt me - she hurt me so much I cried like I will never cry again. I never ever will because I don't think I will ever be able to give my whole heart to someone again . Thanks for doing that to me as well .

I want to sit here & PM every single one & just say hey I am a man & look there are decent ones about, lots of them . I am enjoying a bit of flirting if you like but I like having a giggle, I am not interested in sex at all , you know I just want that warmth of female friendship ? That is all.

I get more than that in Hobbits Bar. Thanks everyone.

When we say KOKO we mean it. xxx.

Hello all, I'm on a late shift...largely because I mucked around all morning instead of knuckling down and earning a living!

Drifted the worst thing you can ever do in life (slight exaggeration) is read the Daily Fail. That bloody newspaper has us all wanting to commit harakiri for daring to enter the divorce dual carriageway (as you call it)...because it presumes we chose that! It always seems to side with the 'other side' if you see what I mean?

I do acknowledge that you have a dangly bit...(albeit I'm not at all sure that releases you from DF's wrath). For those of us that don't, I can tell you we get a hard time (as well as have to cope with the absence of one/divorcing someone who gives us one...) as well.

I always remind myself when reading it: it could be worse - I could be 'forrin/working overseas/Scottish, Welsh, Irish or English; 'gay, bisexual, or heterosexual'; 'on benefits', 'a teacher/nurse/NHS doctor', 'working for a corporation/the civil service/be self employed/employed by a small-to-medium sized enterprise, or slave to a conglomerate. And, God forbid, a person of colour: white, black, Asian, Caribbean, African, mixed race, slightly tanned, slightly untanned, or something not depicted in Dulex's colour chart...

And you know what? I can just be okay. Just as you are.

I am delighted to read you've had a good day. I hope you have many more to come. I think you're brilliant. KOKO.

Welcome wannabe. I'm glad you smashed the window in order to get to the bar and say 'howdy' and make yourself at home. I can't help but note that you've brought a lot of 'him' in with you. When you're ready, why not talk about your feelings? But only when you're ready to. He can just fuck off as far as this bar is concerned. (not you Drifted though: I want you here!).

And likewise, Tomato, glad you've arrived too. The people in this bar are great for understanding the horror of divorce, cheating and fuckwittery.

May I take this opportunity to remind all posters that there's no need to compare yourselves to others, especially if you're doing so in a way that's adverse to yourself. THIS SHIT IS HARD. We don't need to put ourselves down nor make ourselves feel worse. There's someone 'out there' doing that to us already. This is the place to come to feel better about ourselves and kick shit into touch.

How is everyone doing this morning?

I'm feeling sad again and all, "This isn't fair, I didn't choose this". I think that this is going to be really shit in a few months when the weather's grey and wet and not even the sunshine to cheer us up.

Reckon I best get myself out to the gym to keep myself busy.

Yes Drifted I saw that article as well....

happywannabe the thing is that you have for a long time been drowned by your desire to help him and your own feelings have been flattened underneath it all.........you have tried to salvage your situation but slowly you have had the life and joy sucked out of you...sometimes we try to help people but they just don't want help or can't take it .It is out of our hands - sad as that is..it will slowly get better for you and you will be able to recognise that you have tried your best ! Are you still together?

Good morning all.
Well it's been a week now since twunt left dejected and I haven't heard off of him once, I'm not sure if he was expecting me to crack and apologise for not making chit chat last week or if he's not really bothered and just getting on.
I don't know why I'm worrying, I suppose I'm not really, I'm not anxious or checking my phone every minute, I guess it's like everything in this game your always second guessing them aren't you.

I also hadn't heard from his mum since the day he confirmed he was seeing the OW, I did email her last night to make sure was okay as it had been weeks since the last contact and was unusual, I think she was just trying to give me space.

I'm still feeling better though since he confirmed what I already knew, no fight left in me now I just rue the day of reality catching up to him.

Morning all and have a good strong day everyone x

Morning all

Bambino that's tough. At least now you know and can start focussing on yourself. My inlaws have found it really difficult to know what to do.

Myturn I'm a bit the opposite. I can't wait for the autumn. Its my favourite time of year for starters but more importantly it'll be another month away from the utter devastation of finding out. Life seems to be slowly getting better.

Happywannabe hugs to you.

Am grumpy this morning. I don't have dd here but still wake up early. I have developed a hot yoga habit and so am busy hydrating before my class in a bit. That should help my mood. I also have housework and packing to do - dd and I are staying with my folks for a few days - before I catch the train later.

I was going to say something about the Daily Fail. This splitting process is shit. I have guilt about dd, and I know the wider family have been rocked to the rafters too. Twunt is currently blaming me because I didn't beg him to come back (!) and there are moments when it would be much easier just to give up and get him back. I'm going to get a whole new barrage of "woe is me" off my elderly aunts when they are told. I could quite happily not have any additional pressure because I have to keep reminding myself that yes, it was that bad. It was that bad for me to strike out on my own with dd and face the full onslaught. I need support and people telling me that dd and I will thrive not some bitter wino journo who has probably had a ton of affairs telling me I have to work harder or whatever shit they are espousing now.

And breathe.

I can't wait for the autumn. Its my favourite time of year for starters but more importantly it'll be another month away from the utter devastation of finding out. Life seems to be slowly getting better.

That's a good sentiment, I'm glad you wrote it.