HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

Hi Cassa, yes I get the chest pain, but not all the time. I had no idea before that it was ever possible for it to hurt like this, I'm hoping that I'm at the lowest point...although there are small victories, i don't cry at work anymore!

I have my biggest work day so far coming up today. My boss has been amazing but this is the first time I'll actually see him and I hope I manage to hold it all together. I'll be thinking of your not-crying-at-work status sparkly!

Good luck today myturn - if you feel yourself going to cry -keep your head straight and look up, makes it impossible to cry!

Ooh, good tip, thank you. Got to work better than my current strategy of letting my bottom lip wobble and blinking fast.

Good luck Myturn hopefully work is pleasant for you.
Drifted - you seem like such a lovely man, I can't imagine what it is like for the male as there children also get taken from them on a far greater scale, although it wasn't me who had the affair I often think of my exes ow and the husband she left behind, he doted on their child and done much of the childcare it must be so very hard.

Does anyone else have these periods of calm?
Ever since my ex sent me that mysterious "accidental" voicemail a few weekends ago of him and the ow laughing and flirting for nearly ten minutes !!! He finally had to admit they were more than just friends, well you'd be an idiot to believe that was what it was the last six or seven months wouldn't you! But I feel calm.
I'm not anxious and I feel like what will be will be, I have my children and start a new job next week, a lovely new home and I do it all myself with very little help from him and for the last few days I have felt proud of myself.
Sunday he collected the children and usually he comes into the hallway sits himself down and chats to me and the children while I get the last of the things ready, I'll then help them to the car strap one child in and he'll continue the chat most days he's there for an hour or so. The same at drop offs he'll come in, tell me all about their day (more than needed) and anything else he'd forgot to say the previous day. He'll then offer to pop the shop if I need anything, prune my hanging baskets or just in general make idle.
This week though I was ready for his arrival bags in hand, opened the door handed over the children after hugs and a kiss and said I'd see them tomorrow. I then stepped back in and obviously waved to my Children as they drove off.
On their return I again took them in, took their stuff asked if they had had a good time etc and told them to hug their dad and tell him thank you and see you in a fortnight, he left looking defeated and really quite sad but for some reason it made me feel a bit powerful, it's something I have wanted to do for months, we don't need to be pally yet and in time I hope that will come. I feel that now I have confirmation Of what I always do there is nothing more to fight for and perhaps maybe now I'm ready to move on.
I do feel guilty that he probably did feel dejected, it would be nice for him to talk about the children and what they had been up to and how naughty they had been, or what fun they had had, for him to tell me about his business and his parents and ask me about mine - but I felt dejected for six months and go to bed feeling like that very often after a stressful day, I guess one day of dejection won't hurt him and it's given me a boost to believe that I am moving on at last.

So he feels dejected bambino so what? Boo hoo for him, he wants his new girlfriend and still have a good relationship with the mother of his children he treated so harshly , having cake and eating it comes to mind.

Well done for being cool and detached at handover, your children are your priority, not how he is feeling. As long as they are happy then that's all that matters. You are doing so well, proud of you my lovely.

Bambino - brilliant handling, so good to take control of the situation.

Shit, I feel as though I've taken three steps backwards. Got in from work tired and hungry and sad and trying to figure out what the fuck has happened in my life.
Been emailing ex and took it out on him. I am expecting him to have the kindness and wisdom (and patience and understanding) of DP but it's not there any more. I'm being unfair to expect it in him.

Fuck. Sometimes the pain is just too much to bear.

Thanks for being blunt bobs123, it's needed at times! And for the flowers myturn x

How are things as they stand now Not?

(Spent evening with friend and had a good chat and lots of laughs about all sorts of things. Feeling happy as I go to bed. What a roller coaster this experience is).

Hello all,

I hope everyone is doing ok. This experience really is full of good days and bad days. In some ways I am finding it easier as ex is so far from the person he once was that the person I fell in love with no longer exists although even that man was a liar unbeknownst to me. He's meant to have contact again tomorrow but I've heard nothing all week, what a surprise.
There's all these men out there fighting for contact with their children and yet ex really couldn't care less about seeing his dd.
7 weeks until new baby, I wonder how the land will lie then?!

Koko all you lovely people xx

So you think he will cancel contact with your little one?
He is a very low specimen isn't he, thinking of you my lovely, there's very little you can do is there if he doesn't turn up. He will probably use the excuse of no money again, as if you wouldn't move heaven and earth to see your little girl if you were a decent father.

How do you deal with the radio silence 2little?

I am so tired I feel like a zombie. I think I pretty much look like one too!

If he cancels contact with her again it will be his last chance, I will not be facilitating it again. It will be the 4th time since he left in February that he has stopped all contact with no notice or explanation for varying amounts of time from 2 weeks to 2 months.

I think ow doesn't like it and therefor makes it difficult and he's a weak pathetic excuse for a human and wants an easy life so he appeases her.
I just feel sad for my children. He might be a shit partner but there's no reason for him to turn into such a deadbeat dad, he used to be brilliant with dd. She'll never remember that now though x

My turn - I quite enjoy the radio silence. Most of what comes out of his mouth is lies and I struggle to want anything pleasant to come from mine so silence is better. We don't really have much to discuss, he pays maintenance, he doesn't ask about dd or the pregnancy. I used to call him if dd wanted to speak to him but he wouldn't pick up the phone so I just stopped bothering.

He has now emailed about plans for contact tomorrow. Better late than never I suppose although I feel like telling him to piss off and we have better plans but I know I can't because of dd. Another fun Saturday for us! x

Do you mind me asking how long you've been split up 2little? Sorry, I know you will have said before and probably recently.

Day 19 here. Ex came to borrow the car, collect the last of his stuff and move in to his new flat. He's then going to come back and I'm going to drop him back off at his flat. It was pretty bad when he was here. I am heartbroken. After he went I cleared out half of the cupboard-under-the-stairs to a bit of Adele at top volume.

Hi myturn, that's hard, hope you're ok

Well, I'm back home, tucked up in bed with Channel 4's Love at first sight, an entire sponge cake and 2 sleeping tablets. I'm feeling ok now.

Does anyone else find that they can be positive and calm and thirty minutes later they're on their knees in tears and then thirty minutes further still they're back to feeling good?

Good for you bambino ! That's the way to play it - as was said he wants his cake and eat - well no he can't !!

cake for them..

Hello again.

My turn - he left in February so coming up to 6 months. I've had a brilliant therapist and good friends although very little family support and my babies have got me through.

We had a huge row on the phone tonight. He wants to introduce ow, he wants to take dd alone and have her over night. This is the same man who saw his dd for 4 hours last Saturday after he had previously cut all contact with her for 2 months! He has also taken dd before and refuse to bring her back or allow her to see or speak to me before I tracked him down and demanded her back. He's cancelled several days of contact to be with ow rather than see dd. The list is endless but for now contact is supervised by me, he can take it or leave it. Arse hole

Hi all,

Just writing to say, I've not lost touch. It's just with the country move, and trying to manage two jobs and doing some voluntary work, means I mostly read but it doesn't mean I don't want to respond. Or don't think about Hobbit's posters often.

But, sometimes, I need to think before I type. And there are plenty of times when I still feel my own situation and try to deal with it (or not).

And also now is the time for me to try to get some equilibrium in my own life. Y'know "put the past behind me"...in my case, quite literally.

I still feel a long way away from being 'me'. I still have my (regained) compassion, my understanding, and my ability to communicate. It's occasionally punctured by my losses, my anger and my hatred of that dirty old man who lied and lied and lied. Oh, did I mention he lied?

I think, within the next few weeks, I'll have accustomed to the huge changes I'm coping with and gotten myself a new routine.

And then, hopefully, I can be there for women who have been abandoned after long marriages/relationships, dealing with the aftermath.

Until then, and despite otherwise, just KOKO.

WWK (Who is KOKOing just the best she can, with what she's got, with all she stands for).

All

To the ones with little ones, they are your special people & I hope so much they help you get through this. I am just trying to offer some comforting words , sometimes they don't help, but they're not empty, just thinking of you special people too.

KOKO xxx.

Yes, this divorce shit certainly is a rollercoaster ride of different emotions isn't itmyturn ?
It's only to be expected when your life as you know it has been turned upside down and shaken about violently.
You're doing very well in the circumstances, KOKO x