HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

I'm KOKOing here. Been to the gym, been for a walk and met friends on the park, done a bit of housework and had a shower... Will be ready to hit the work laptop at 9.

This morning I feel numb and am just going through the motions.

I think I have a bit of a low after dinner when I start to run out of drive and the end of the working day seems a long way off.

I know that after lunch lull - all the worse for not sleeping well at the moment..
How are you feeling now myturn?

Went to the theatre with the ex, dropped him off at his bedsit half an hour ago. I feel tired and deflated and a bit more tired. Thank you for asking sparkly, it still feels so strange coming home alone.

How's everyone else doing?

Can I just ask why you're still doing such a lot of things with your exmyturn ?
You've just been away for a break with him, you've gone to the theatre with him, he's living with the ow in the flat isn't he?

Why would you want to do this after what he's done to you and your family? He's left you for her, have I missed something here? Is there relationship now over?

Good question.

I think partly because it's only been 17 days since all of this happened and it's taking me some adjustment!!
Partly it's because these big events are legacy arrangements that I was looking forward to for months and I didn't want to miss out on them, so I was determined to go anyway.
Partly it's because I'm now 95% certain that there is was no OW nor any girlfriend now. He's certainly not moving in with anyone (he's asked me if I want to be involved with his moving in day).

So, I sense that some might understandably feel frustrated with my slow pace, but I suppose I am where I am.

I want to be friends with him. But it's getting to the stage where I look at him and I no longer see my best friend of 14 years but some stranger of 14 days who has treated me so casually and cruelly.

Hi myturn it's early days - may be easier to avoid his moving day and go out.
I do end up seeing H more than I'd like too as contact with the kids is based at our house (long and boring explanation mainly due to his drinking). H promised the kids that he would come on holiday with us when he left. Can't dispute it as they're so happy about it, which is the main thing.

Clung on to my husband when he moved out. He had been my best friend for thirty plus years. I also still loved him and thought he would come back. I think with hindsight that made things harder but totally understand doing it.

I wish I hadn't though, I even think now that if I had played harder to get he might have come back. Oh I don't know. In a bit of a muddle. He moved out just over two years ago and now thinks we should get a move on with the divorce. I agree although was not in a rush as when the divorce goes through I am unlikely to be able to live here with my boys. Unlikely to be able to live anywhere with my boys. His priorities have changed. It is going to be a fight I have little stomach for.

may be easier to avoid his moving day and go out

He has most of his stuff at his interim room, so I could easily not see him at all. Part of me would like the rest of his stuff from the house though. I've been moving it to the hallway so that it's a quick process. There's some shared stuff we'll have to go through together.
He's borrowing the car to move in to his flat. Or perhaps I'll do the driving and get the car back quick?

It is going to be a fight I have little stomach for.

That sounds so difficult fuckit, I don't know how you lot with children manage all of this. But you do. And I take courage from your strength.

Do you know what fuckit when I found his emails telling another woman how unhappy he was in the relationship I told him to pack his bags immediately and was very cold. I sometimes wonder if I'd cried and begged (which I did plenty of times in the next few days) whether he would have stayed and fixed the relationship.

I must have got you mixed up with another poster myturn , I thought you said he was living with OW in a flat in an earlier comment.
If it makes it easier for you then obviously you do whatever you feel you need to, we all have different coping mechanisms.

What, I would be inclined to speak to them about it. Nip this in the bud while you can. I think it is inevitable that wider family relationships are going to be deeply affected, sadly, the twunts don't think about that when they do these things or the ripple effects on everybody else. Speak to them is my advice x

Hobbit I have certainly believe he'll likely have a new woman in his life (and flat) soon. My work took me to his workplace this morning. I could have easily avoided it, but I thought best show my face sooner rather than later. I kept out of the way and let him know my movements. He came and chatted to me for five minutes and seemed very pleased to see me. Perhaps we can stay friends.

What, no helpful advice from me - I can't ever figure in-laws out - but wanted you to know someone else had read your post and was sympathising.

Evening all. I'm back for some of your wisdom! Quick backstory, DH left at NY telling me he was unhappy. He has never returned home (to live) since although we did go to counselling. It transpires it's all my fault as I never considered him enough etc.. etc.. 2 months ago he finally told me we're over for good. 2 year DS and I'm a SAHM.
There's a few things you might all be able to help me with in order to get some order in my head.
I spent this whole time digesting everything he told me in our sessions about how I made him so unhappy and why he doesn't want to be a people pleaser anymore. Although he admitted to me a couple of months ago he's 'seeing' someone, I still thought all I had to do was get him to see I've changed (sad I know). He went on holiday at the end of last month and on his return told me it was with the OW. Even then, it took me until last week to realise this breakup is probably all about him and the OW rather than every argument we ever had. Now I'm obsessing about this relationship. Who she is, when they started this relationship and all the rest of it. He won't tell me anything as its none of my business.
So, am I better off knowing or not knowing?
Secondly. I'm a SAHM, still in the family home with DS and the one car we own. We've had one very brief argument over contact because I had been moving out of the house nearly every other Saturday/Sunday, without the car, so that he can have time with DS. I got to the point where I said it wasn't ideal and his retaliation was to simply sell the house. Because I got upset, it wasn't a full on discussion and we haven't discussed it since. Therefore, all household bills are in his name, paid direct from his account and he still transfers me the same pot of money he always has done since I gave up work. Because of this, he's not got any extra money left in order to move out of his mates spare room or get his own car.
So, do we both continue to ignore any formal discussions and carry on as we are. My view has always been, he needs to approach me as I'm the one in the 'better' position as it stands. Do I need to pull my finger out and go get some legal advice as shit could hit the fan and I won't be expecting it?
I guess under all of it, I'm still telling myself there could be some hope of a reconciliation so it's easier to keep my head down?
Any words of wisdom greatly appreciated x

Oh dear what with hindsight probably not a good idea. I once asked my Mum (years ago) to leave anything she might be considering leaving to me to my DDs instead, because I could see what might potentially happen when I got divorced. She replied "you can't tell me what to do with my money" and got really indignant. It doesn't matter what you try to do to protect your DC, a lot of people resent suggestions about what to do with their money.

not I would say go see a sol for a free 1st appointment. See more than one if you like. Ask around discretely for recommendations. He cannot just sell the house. You could continue like this indefinitely like this - some do, or decide o make things more formal. He left at NY? He has an OW? He has told you you're over for good? to be blunt (sorry) it says it all really and you need now to find out where you stand.

not that sounds like a very prolonged difficult time you're having. What's the harm in seeing a solicitor and just gathering information? You don't need to act on any of it, but information is power and all that.

I'm finding it helpful to read around (this thread, blogs and books) and jotting down the odd sentiment that really strikes a chord with my current perspectives and emotions. One thing that is helping this week is along the lines of not making him a priority for me when I'm only an option for him.

Today's lesson hard learned is I Need A Good Night's Sleep To Get Through These Days.

Hi . It seems every time I read & catch up we have more & more friends joining us. I am not complaining that we have more friends , I wish we had none at all , the more friends we have , the more relationships have imploded & that is very sad.

I say sad but to those who are very new to the bar , it is devastating which we all know. I have been there since last year . I have come a long way really , I am pleased with my progress. I can measure my progress because I can offer support now when at the beginning I was clinging to anyone who would listen . That was in RL & especially in the depths of winter on MN.

I lost 20 pounds in 6 weeks and I wasn't even overweight so I know that the divorce diet is a fantastic weight shedder. I started to recover in the Spring say 12 weeks after she fucked off. It has been rollercoaster to now.

To those who are new, I want to emphasise & reiterate what many of us older members already know from our painful experiences. This is the hardest time of my life & I think that applies to every single one of us. This has been harder than the loss of my parents within weeks of each other ten years ago nearly. The one person I always expected to be on my side walked out on me for a shag. It has gone pear shaped & I don't really care. I say really because despite the pain and torture her selfish actions have put me through I do still care about her as she is the mummy of lovely son . We talked about reconciliation , we met , we talked, I cried but she didn't and now when I look back I do realise that takes some kind of person who cannot cry at what she had done. I think that shows me that she really wouldn't have been committed to getting it back on . To be honest when I saw her I didn't have that sick feeling of excitement , more a coldness . She didn't make my heart race.

To anyone who is thinking of reconciliation , you do what you feel is right . But I would say this - it would be very hard because trust has gone & I just couldn't trust her. You know maybe now I could because she has seen a different side to me , she thought I would roll over & I didn't. Just my thoughts.

If you are going for divorce do what I did . Do it quick - she felt terrible & agreed to everything & I am satisfied with the outcome. Financially yes, emotionally no . I never wanted a divorce because I loved her so much I was getting happier every week . It was the best feeling in the world .

I know that the newbies will be reading this & at least this will distract you temporarily from the shit , but also let me remind you again , this will get better for you. It has got better for me . I still think about her, pray for her, care about her , wish her well , but hate what she did to me , but I do not hate her.

So please KOKO, we aqre all here to help each other , until the time comes that maybe we forget them or don't let them take up headspace ?

Happy sleeping everyone. xxx.

That was a big post. Hope it makes interesting reading. KOKO xxx.

Thanks for your post Drifted, I need to keep hearing that it gets better.
I have such massive ups and downs, tonight I went out with some friends while H came round and stayed with the kids. When I got back I found he'd used the time to have a big clear out of his stuff from 'our' room. I know it had to happen, but bloody hell it hurts so much all over again. Just when you think that you're having a good day, it can get you all over again...

SparklyDMs hey , it still gets me now so don't think it is going to be easy , just that when it is shit , post and we'll help. KOKO x.

Just when you think that you're having a good day, it can get you all over again.

I know what you mean sparkly but it has to get better. I keep thinking that it's impossible for humans to live too long with this kind of raw pain, so it will lessen.

I have found that giving in to a good cry, rather than trying to fight it off, really helps. Sometimes I just need a three second sob and it no longer leads to an extended screaming, howling snot fest.

Hi myturn 11 months on and unfortunately the pain is a raw as ever for me I'm trying CBT but I can't get my head around being kind to me. I'm just sad and still feel to blame and if only I had done / said ........ I could have stopped this happening. Does anyone else have a constant pain in their chest - literally heartbroken? And he's not coming back so this is it for me.

I'm so sorry to read about your pain cassa.

We couldn't prevent this from happening, we are not omnipotent and other people will feel as they will feel no matter what we wanted