HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

My turn - I'm feeling that today, I didn't choose any of this! It seems that even though it wasn't our house we end up with the heavy end of the consequences. My ex tells me he's so angry, angry about what? Shouldn't I be angry that he was having an affair whilst trying for a baby and then left, then stopped all contact with dd and tried to force me to have a termination of our planned baby before turning physically abusive! But I'm not angry, I'm just meh because I wouldn't choose his life over mine, nor his conscience.

You are the better person xx

Thank you

I started writing an email to him... just habit really. The habit of keeping in touch during the day and letting the other one know we were thinking of them. I deleted. I realised that the whole reason he left is to escape this kind of mundane boringness and to Get Some Space.

I wish this had never happened. I don't understand why it happened

I think it is so much harder for those of us left 'doing the old life', so much easier for those who have taken off into a 'new life'. Be kind to yourselves, maybe even as kind as you would be to a friend. Two years later I still struggle, not divorced yet but husband and his girlfriend have a new baby. I need to have spousal joint lives, obviously he says no, I can't afford more sol fees trying so have just left it for now. But, I wish I had pushed the divorce through earlier, when he felt guilty and was willing to do anything he could to make things ok for me and our sons, before his life was complicated by a stay at home partner and baby. If I have any advice to give it would be to sort the finances asap.

Fuck it, I sent him an email. Why should I put a brave face on for him?

No reason in the world you should put a brave face on for him! Who cares what he thinks?

Ok, maybe care enough to sort finances while he is feeling guilty!

I don't mean to be lighthearted, this is the most horrible thing for everyone, just trying to get people to learn from my mistakes! Delaying things for whatever reason - most of our delay was caused by my twunt's failure to act/respond has majorly damaged the future for me and my boys.

I had a sad few hours just then, but then took a couple of work calls and a friend called too and made me laugh.

The highs and lows happen so fast and I find them exhausting.

fuckit you are absolutely right about the finances. For me it's about grabbing hold of a little bit of stability and security in a suddenly very shifting, unstable experience.

It's so difficult when this isn't what I want. I want him to move back in, but I know he won't. He emailed to tell me that he can move in to his new flat on Saturday if everything goes smoothly. I've offered him use of our my car and perhaps I'll ask him if he could take the rest of his stuff from here.

This is so fucked up. How did this happen?

myturnnow4 I have missed your story, are you far in from the split is their an Ow sorry if you think I'm nosed just trying to get some back story.

Well my twunt has been and gone. My one night of freedom and I spent it alone and the day in fact.
I feel a bit guilty. He collected them yesterday and I didn't engage in conversation was polite, I didn't offer to strap the children in the car and stayed in the house. When he dropped them off I did the same I didn't go out to greet them like usual, I let them in and I spoke to the children. He constantly asks to go to the loo when he drops them off, I let him as I don't want to be mean but then said our goodbyes, he seemed despondent and saddened that there was no conversation but although I feel guilty I feel better in myself.

He doesn't want me, he wants the OW. He doesn't want me to hate him though he wants us to be buddies, I guess so that he misses out on less of what the children are up to.

Ask away, I'm just pathetically grateful you're even a little bit interested Bambino.

15 days since he left. It was completely out of the blue. The only reason he will finally give is that he wasn't happy and needed space. I was convinced that there was an OW, but now less so, although I can see a relationship developing with a certain bitch of a colleague in time.

Just had another low and a sob/howl. I thought I was over them. I'm so fucking tired of this.

Why your new steely civility with him Bambino?

Myturnnow4

It's been six months for me.
My partner said he didn't love me anymore. A few days after I left I caught him with his colleague and the phone bills backed this up.. They're now In a relationship and he has lied and just about destroyed me.
He wants me to be his best friend, he wants me to be the wonderful mother to his children and keep him informed .. He doesn't want me he's made that clear but I don't think he wants me to stop wanting him.
I'm struggling to move on , last Sunday he accidentally rang me leaving a message of him and the ow having fun and laughing and it hurt me more than anything he has done. So this week I've gone silent and I'll continue because I need to move on and he can't keep reeling me in.

I remember reading about that voice mail earlier. Do you really think it was accidental?

I've just been reading chumplady's What Not To Dos.

Myturnnow4 don't know how you can send an accidental call these days when phones are so complicated....... Part of me thinks he wanted me to hear it and kick off, part of me thinks he doesn't really know what he wants and it's all gone a bit far !

You are so early on in this, do you have children?
I know everyone says it but it does get better.. January was the worst month of my life, and although I wanted my ex back I could never have forgiven him making me doubt myself. You will get past this and you'll be stronger for it :)

My dog once left a voice mail from my phone. We always presumed she'd done it accidentally but thinking back we never really actually got an admission from her.

No children, we never wanted children either of us (that's probably outed my name change).

Unlike two or three hours ago I'm feeling remarkably strong right now. I have had a bit of a mini-epiphany from ChumpLady, I've eaten an actual meal (from the pan - yay me) and I've tided out a cupboard. Some stuff to chuck, some stuff that belongs to him and then there's DVDs he'll have to go through. That's room #3 emptied of his stuff.

Not sure if the comment about the dog was sarcasm or me being dim hahaha
Well that's good you must always eat. Something I have struggled to remember and I very rarely fancy much but I try.
Keep going with the positive steps. Even if they are just small they'll make you feel a whole lot better.

Sorry, that's me, I'm just a bit dry . Yes, eating is important. Since when did swallowing food become a bit tricky?

Since you had your world stripped from beneath you?
Have you lots of support in RL ? I must bored my friends to death but I have a few good ones who will always listen and never grumble, they may be bored but would rather I spill my guts than keep it all in and make myself anxious

Yes, I lost half a stone. My sister said I looked gaunt. I didn't feel too clever either.

I have been overwhelmed with support, but also worry about leaning too much on people. Someone said she's so used to me being strong and positive that it's scary to see me like this. I do wonder how long people's patience will last.

The ones you least expect will be the most patient.
I have gone from a size 12 to a size 6, I saw my reflection in a shop mirror today and it finally hit home what the split has done to me.
I expect that is part of the reason I have got a bit more anger in me towards my ex which is something I have struggled with.

I hope you get some sleep tonight.

Thank you all for your welcome and kind words

Myturn, I'm not so far ahead of you, mine left 6 weeks ago and I'm still howling but less often now, and I can get through a whole day at work now without wanting to bawl my eyes out...ups and downs though

Bambino, mine also has told me that he wants to be friends and that I should call him if he wants a chat, but I think he's feeling guilty for dropping me and the kids right in it. He seems to have got 'parenthood lite' as a current lifestyle choice - comes in and sees the kids when it suits and then goes back to new life...

Fuckit, I will heed the advice too about dealing with finances quickly - I probably need to get on with it while he still feels guilty and helpful...
I hate the guilty helpfulness, it feels a bit like having my nose rubbed in it.

Cassa - I spend a lot of time walking round the park too, I did think it was just me. Personally I would like to sell up and get a house that's just mine and the kids and not 'our house' that's just an expensive unfinished project..

This is so bleak. He sits there with his financial spreadsheet being all 'reasonable and fair', and if I disagree or don't engage, threatens to pay less. The responsibility of all this is just unbearable. All his kindness and niceness has gone, and I left with everything to manage, and I just don't know what to do for the best.

Solicitor tomorrow. Hate hate hate that this is my life now

I hate the guilty helpfulness, it feels a bit like having my nose rubbed in it.

Yes, it's like "look how much I'll bend over backwards just to be free of you"

Rose I know what you mean. The solicitors' receptionist today was all, "Oh dear, having one of those days?" and I'm afraid she got the stare. Perhaps they have to protect themselves from our misery?

Myturn

I am sad to hear of your sorrow. It's been almost four months since he told me he wanted to leave, and I think it is only now that the reality is sinking in for me. I feel exactly how you are feeling, and I am so sorry, because it is so very painful.

Not sure who mentioned it, but it is really surprising who steps up and is amazing, and who you thought could count on who disappears. His 'side' are gone, my parents are mia, I thought that there would be some 'grown ups' to help and advise, but there aren't.

Rose, really feel for you..I hope it goes well at the solicitors and you can feel a bit more positive.
I haven't got to the solicitor's yet and he avoids any talk about dividing anything up - he's gone and we still have joint money, accounts, debts, house and he won't talk about sorting it out, tells me that 'we haven't got a plane to catch'.
Myturn - not only a look how much I want to be free of you, but there's the pity look as well - when he left on Saturday he gave me a kiss on the cheek with a frowny kind of smile, sort of 'there, there, there'..

Hi, I just wanted to drop by and say hello to all the newbies on here...it's lovely that the Bar is such a huge support and meeting place for everybody. For some of you, it's so early. It's been two years for me and while I still struggle, I can promise all of you that it does get better..it really does .

Cassa, please shout if you need any help. What I will say is that he is talking utter nonsense, he is not going to get what he wants out of this. I presume you have legal rep? If it's of any comfort, I managed to secure 100% of the marital assets and a joint lives nominal order...a similar situation to a case that was recently reported in the press shock horror, woman gets everything because man is a cunt. A lot less money involved in my case though, sadly.

Anyway, KOKO ladies (and RM)....