HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

Hi cassawoof my love, nice to hear from you again, I hope you are ok, be prepared for all kinds of manipulative behaviour from your ex, we will help you if you need support, x

Coming to the end of my (shortened) weekend break with ex. My thoughts are with all of you going through separations.

How did it go myturn? Hope you are ok...

Phrrgh, I dunno. I'm feeling bored of the whole thing now. I'm bored of crying over it. I'm bored of thinking about it. I'm bored of talking about it. I'm bored of trying to figure him out. I'm exhausted.

I read something this morning that was helpful (I'm in the Amazon Chump phase I think). It said something like, "your partner left you because he wasn't happy. You don't have it in your power to make someone happy". It helped because I realised that I'd advise anyone, "Don't stay if you're not happy, life is too short". So much as I wish this had never happened and my lovely life was as it was and that he'd at least tried to give us a chance... I can come to some kind of acceptance. I would never want him to be unhappy.

Tonight my mind is on going back to work tomorrow. I've still got tonnes to do around the house, with solicitors and utilities and stuff but I'm going to sit down to Dragons' Den and tune out.

And be on MN all night

Hi Cassa good to see you back again. I hope the meeting was okay.

Have a jolly good evening Myturn - yes divorce is head-wrecking. We all wish we had a 'fast-forward' button but I suppose the processing shit is all part of making us stronger, more discerning people. I know I'm more likely to challenge shit behaviour these days rather than 'nod and smile'.

Anyway, first night in my new home. All unpacked. I'm focusing on the positives now:

I didn't set fire to the place despite nearly doing so!
It has a wine store right across the road!
I'm in it!

Night all.

Haha, my love, is it a Tesco or a Sainsburys ? Chosen well, WWK

Evening all

Just popping in to say hi. To more new friends I am a man who was left by my wife late 2014. It is a horrible shit process and today I cried seeing a picture of a wedding ? I was happily married until she had an affair.

Even now typing that it is like crazy . I think I am going crazy some days.
I am booking an evening class to begin in September. I need to make plans for the Autumn , I am fearful of being on my own in the evenings. I am a happy person despite her fucking me about. I have considered an evening job just to be busy but also got my dog to consider.

I just sort of wanted to say to every single one of you , when RL support is not there we all know Hobbits Bar is open . It is a lifesaver.

I want to be happy again like I was eight months ago before she left. Why ?

I am now reading Rebuilding by Bruce Fisher so if anyone wants a recommended book , worth a try ? I am not saying it is for everyone but I am just sort of offering some help to the new peeps who might want to look. So far it is OK - see even 8 months on still need help but as you all know happy to admit that & stick my hand up & say I do need help.

Anyway going to try & sleep. KOKO you lovely ladies , I mean it sincerely. The nicest bunch of ladies I have come across .

XXXX ( PS Evening all is not any relation to being a police officer - I am not !)

Hobbits It's independent. It's got its own name and everyfink! It's very popular with the down and outs as well...I've just checked. It's going to take time adjusting from country living to city living that's for sure!

Hi Drifted Good to see you again. I know what you mean about happiness being elusive. I'm sure it does come back but when is not known yet. Whilst I wouldn't be without my pets, It would be so much easier on rare occasions that we didn't have them. But only 1% of the time. Also thinking about what to do now I've moved. Rebuilding is not always easy despite yearning for a 'fresh start'.

I still wake up every day and have to remind myself that this really is it - I have to make it on my own and deal with everything on my own and it's daunting some days. Still one foot in front of t'other...

Hello Everyone
Do you mind if I join you? I've been lurking for a few weeks and largely deterred from writing because it's all just a bit of a shock being in this situation. My H (guess I can't really call him DH anymore) left 6 weeks ago. We'd been together just over 24 years (married 14 yrs) and we have 3 DC (11 yr old DD and 10 yr old DTS).
He's always been a bit of a drinker, but over the last 18 months or so has become really quite a heavy drinker I thought it was due to a lot of pressure at work (partner in a small business)and that we struggle to make ends meet. He also started going out nearly all weekend - you know staying out until the next day (often quite late on in the day), but would be uncontactable while he was out and on many occasions messed up weekend plans he is just so unreliable.. You may be thinking that I should have left him, but I still love him and was busy misreading all the signals, I thought that lack of libido was down to excessive drinking, same with contempt that crept into conversation at times...I was just hoping that work would improve and with it the stretched finances and we may be able to sort things out, so I was waiting. What I didn't realise was that his endless socialising meant that emotionally he'd left me months and months ago. He was held back as I had a ruptured fallopian tube in December that turned out to be caused by ovarian cancer and I had a hysterectomy in April. He told me he wanted to leave 5 days after the all clear. He was gone within 2 weeks as a 'friend' offered to let him stay at her house. He swears blind that there's nothing going on, but he's there rent free, so who knows. Not that it's particularly relevant anyway, he's told other people that he can 'breathe' now for the first time in two years, fairly telling that it's all over whatever the situation. When I'm being logical he's probably done me a favour because it is hard living with an alcoholic.

I wasn't expecting it to be harder without him though. I'd covered up for him and managed with the kids through all the absenteeism, I'm was really surprised that I'm emotionally and physically exhausted, the kids are being great, but they are feeling it, they are confused and get fearful and anxious at times.

I know that most of you are going through much worse situations than I am, but I can really relate to some of the things you've talked about - I also never knew I was actually capable of howling and was once an avid reader but my concentration span is so small now I can't read, watch TV and I have to play 'calming nature noises' on You Tube now to go to sleep. I just feel like I'm lost in the wilderness.
Sorry for the very long post, just really needed to get it out. Some advice would be gratefully received along the way, I really don't know what to do next.

Hi drifted my love, glad you've popped in. You are doing so well, it's still a very quick process for you I think, much shorter than any of our experiences on here. I think you are almost at absolute. Quite a few of us have had a bad week this week, even the old guard, this shit is hard, the hardest thing I have ever had to cope with. KOKO honey, x

Hi sparkly you've made the first step, you've got it all out, you're not lurking any longer, the first post is the hardest to write, from now on just say what you need to.

We will help if we can, x

Hello Sparkly you are most welcome to join in here.

Can't speak for anyone else but I'm in the habit of reading DH as DickHead 'round these parts (not you *Drifted, she's Dreadful Wench in my head).

You must be utterly shocked. After 24 years, you are in the habit of weathering the storms of marriage, so naturally, you didn't see this coming. Please don't feel like a fool - you were remaining loyal to your vows.

I'm sorry to read (but glad to read) that you've just overcome a serious illness as well. It's a cliche but true: don't dare get ill, because they can't cope with it.

A couple of things - don't apologise for posting here or asking for attention, time, patience, advice, or people just to rant at. Everyone's shit is the same: hard! The details may differ but the emotions are all the same.

My advice in the first few months is cry frequently. As Rose has found that when the depression hits (around month 4 - 6), you realise just how bloody much you've had to cope with. It's a shocking process the early months but I can promise you it gets easier.

What other advice can I give you? Keep posting here. No one judges or compares situations. When you start having little successes or just cope with a mammoth challenge, you'll find a queue of people saying 'well done' - and I bet you've not had a compliment in quite some time. We might be strangers, but we all find ourselves getting emotionally involved in one another (see family's post above).

KOKO.

What you do now sparkly is gather your troops around you, your RL family and friends, you'll definately need all the support you can muster.

See a solicitor , you have young children, they need to be financially supported, you need advice going forward.

You are right, it's not easy living with an alcoholic, now you don't have to, he's a callous pos, treating you and your children in this way, good riddance.
You deserve better, let his 'friend' have her 'prize' , you are worth ten of him.

Sparkly....my God what a story...however, I am blunt and say it like it is...and this is not the time. Sending you love and ...we will all hand hold on this journey x

Hi Everyone

Dreadful, awful few days. Have cried my way through everything, and as Sparkly mentioned, have been howling in a way previously unknown.

He is really going. The pressure to sell the house has stepped up, and he is opening his own bank account, is busy cutting up anything joint, and has got his own cupboard and shelf in the fridge.

Meanwhile our beautiful daughter is trying to walk, and is so full of joy. I just can't understand why she wouldn't be more important than how he is feeling. I feel like such a failure - her Father bailing before she even turned one. You have an idea of how you will raise your child, and the life she will have. I find it devastating that I'll always be a different Mother now, and she'll grow up in this silent house. Feeling sorry for myself I know, and in some moments I think it could be for the best, and am then felled at the smallest thing.

for drift and sparkly and congratulations to Well on the new home.

I think it's ok to have times we feel sorry for ourselves Rose. Surely your house won't remain Silent forever? Hope you're in a good way this morning.

Morning everyone. I am so sorry that there are new people here, all going through the same thing. It is utterly awful, when the person who you were closest too and had children with can be so selfish.

I think I will be calling on MrsC and WWK for their advice soon. we are now talking finances, and he is offering me the bare minimum 50:50 assets, CSA child support. And he wants to see the kids for longer. He is suggesting he keeps an interest in the house, I suppose to ensure he gets his 50:50. I won't go into too much detail here, but he is an extremely high-earner earning 5 x what I do and has got to the point in his career where he can earn more and more.

But he is entirely convinced that this is a reasonable settlement and expects to get it, and will make me feel like I am being unreasonable. He is not used to not getting his own way and will be furious that I am not agreeing to it. Ever since he left EVERYTHING has been on his terms with me an emotional wreck and desperate to have him back. He has done what he wants at every turn with no regard for me or fairness. I can just see that this going to get nasty. There is no hint of any level of generosity to keep things amicable between us, or recognise we've been together 20 years and I'm the mother of his children. He talks about this being amicable, but clearly he expects me to be nice and roll over. Doesn't help that I do still love him, and I fear I always will.

I'm afraid I don't have any wisdom to offer cassa but just wanted you to know that someone had read and heard your words.

He sounds very much like my stbxh cassa my love, just because he says something or wants a certain outcome doesn't make it happen.

I'm sorry to be blunt here, but he's not coming back, so you don't have to fall in line with whatever he says. He's not going to play fair and you need to toughen up and fight for what's best for your and your children's future.

It's not 50/50 when his earning capacity is fives times yours, I got 70/30 on the house equity and joint lives maintenance, although I know that is rare now. It won't be amicable, how can it be, that is only when it is a joint decision , and yours is certainly not that. So you need to be strong, you need to be contrary and unreasonable because that's the way he's acting.
I know it's hard, but it's happened and nothing you can do or say will change that, he's made his decision to leave, the very least he can do is make sure you are all ok. See your solicitor, cut all but essential contact, keep everything formal and polite, but don't back down, he doesn't get to control you any longer. Let him rant and rave, he's caused this, it's not your fault.
Recognise they all do this when you don't fall in line as they expected you to do, we probably did when married to keep the peace, that's not going to happen now.
You can do this, you wouldn't have chosen this, but you have to see it through.

Thank you myturn and hobbit
Yes, I have realised that I need to be unemotional about all this now. I will get 'lawyered up' and take him on.

He is offering I stay in the FMH. The DCs want to (friends, school etc.) and it would be less upheaval for them and convenient for him to see them easily. And the thought of moving is horrendous. BUT I struggle to be here on my own when he has the DCs. I run away every other weekend when I don't have them, to friends, family, I sit in the park, just so as not to be in this house. I can't bear it. So I don't know what to do. I do know that if we sold the house I would move away, for a completely fresh start. But the DCs would be devastated, and it would be me doing that to them not him.

How does anyone else cope staying in the old home when their H's have left?

sparkly cheeky bastards , aren't they? First time he gets to "breathe" ???

I know how bad it is when you are talking long term - for me 30years ...it is the whole of your life, it seems. My advice for you is - make sure any joint accounts are frozen where possible - set up separate accounts for now ..are you working? Is he still paying household bills?

Other than that , there are no rules of play - you do what you feel like on a day to day even hour by hour basis. You are only 6 weeks in and you are still hoping that he will come back even if it was shit.... You have been traumatised by this bastard who has shown no decency or respect. Yes you do lose the capacity to do much - it comes into your mind hundreds of times a day - on waking, if you forget for even a second, it hits again after that second...it is just bloody horrendous ! I will say though that it will get better - and I didn't believe this myself but it does. You have your young children so you are having to " go on with the show" for them - I never know whether that is a blessing or not - can't imagine having to do that but at least you are not alone.

Best of luck and as the others said, just keep posting. Sometimes it helps just to write to down!

I sit in the park, just so as not to be in this house. Oh my god, I do this too cassa. I sit there thinking that there's only so long I can spend on a park bench without being a weirdo. Perhaps I should start taking a plastic bag with some cans scattered about me so that I stand out less?

People kept telling me, "you can get the house just as you want it" and I'd think, but it is just how I want it. Or they'd tell me to get new bed linen and I'd think, but this is nice and new bed linen. I found it all so confusing - why would I live in a house for all these years and not make it as I wanted it?
Saying that, some things that have helped me:

1. To buy The First Thing - the first thing brought in to the house that was my choice alone.
2. I also spend a lot of time cleaning and have now moved on to tidying and sorting out (see my thread over in Credit Crunch). I'll be glad when my ex has moved in to his new flat and can start to take some of his belongings.
3. Keeping very busy and out of the house as much as possible so that it's a relief to have some time alone here.

Shitty morning here after wasting an hour and a half driving in to the solicitors to pay them and prove ID etc. I had to do the round trip twice because I forgot one set of papers the first time. Ex got the blame for that too. I just wanted to scream, "I didn't fucking choose any of this".