HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

Bit late now, he's on his way round! It was all just too last minute for friends and family with other commitments.

I've spoken with my mum and feel a bit less anxious now. She thinks this is still the right decision. I think it's the least worst decision.

Wish me luck!

Oh blimey myturn....rather you than me! . I guess you should just please yourself, do your own thing. You're not sharing a room are you?

We had a break to London booked as well, 4 weeks before he left, he went with my youngest son instead, I just couldn't have done it.

We also had a trip to New York booked for the month after, I said why did you do that if you were planning to leave? He said it was because I wanted to go! I ended up going with my eldest son and had a fantastic time, much better than I would have have done with fuckface.

I think the OW had delivered an ultimatum in between him booking the holiday and him deciding to go. He made sure he made it impossible for him to remain in the marital home , he fucked my head up completely with his lies and deceit, but I was the one who said it was untenable for him to stay. That way he could say it was my choice, I asked him to go, not his fault, not his doing, blameless old fuckface....

Evening all...
Just popping in briefly, and for a catch up...

Hobbit - love the 'fuckface' reference.

2little - your post about your future was really positive - go girl!

myturn - I guess the break will show you whether you can get on and enjoy each other's company, or whether you end up ignoring each other the whole weekend!

I've pulled myself out of the doldrums - got some of that housework blitzed this morning, ignored the ironing (fuck it), dealt with a tricky work issue, and ponced off for a haircut while DH took the afternoon off work to look after toddler. We've agreed to go out for dinner one night next week to discuss reconciliation properly without the DCs being around - any proper discussion is impossible with them around. I've said I expect him to take holiday to assist with childcare over the school hols.

We've been invited as a 'family' at very short notice to a BBQ tomorrow afternoon by a couple that work with him and OW - and fuck me sideways, he says, yes we'll go. That will infuriate OW.

Sometimes, quite often, regardless of whether we reconcile or not, I'm ecstatic knowing that she hates him spending time in the family home, and being around me. It's not the pick me dance, it's satisfaction that she's not sitting all smug and secure in that shitty little flat that he's delaying decorating, and 4 months on they still don't even have a wardrobe.

Wishing everyone a good weekend!

Hello all,

Hats off to all the people who managed to share trips away or beds with exs. I think a part of me wanted to but I just couldn't, I had the holiday we'd planned and realised that it was him who missed out although had a couple of wobbles that he wasn't there.
Today I made the bedroom my own again and bought new sheets and curtains, I also built the cot - all by myself without instructions!! Who needs men! I treated myself to new make up and generally had a nice me day whilst dd was in nursery. Then to top it off bumped into handsome friend who's taking me for lunch in a couple of weeks :)
What - Thank you about teaching help offer, you've definitely made me decide that secondary is the way forward for me and I'm very grateful for your wise words :)
The baby situation is starting to feel a bit too real although I am excited and impatient to know if it's a boy or a girl now. I can't wait for newborn snuggles - much better than a man!
Sadly, I have to see ex tomorrow for contact although I'm pleased for dd. It might not happen though as the place he suggested I've discovered is 45 minutes from us and only 20 from him so I've messaged him asking to meet closer - he hasn't replied of course because he's with ow. Nothing has changed. Arse hole. I can't believe it's now going to start costing me money for him to see dd

I haven't posted here before, but I am just so unhappy.

Hey Rose. Do you want to tell us a little about what's making you so unhappy? No one in this bar is happy with the shit they are dealing with. Break-ups are bloody hard and divorce is no-one's idea of a good time.

But what we are good at is support and encouragement.

My lovely husband, out of the blue, announced in March that he wanted to leave me. We have been together ten years, and have a thirteen month old. I have been desperately trying to be everything that he wanted to try and fix it, but it is never enough. Today it was because the flowers had not been thrown out. That shows that I am not trying. Tonight he has said that he wants a divorce, and is only willing to pay basic csa. He will continue to look after dc whilst I work. How do people manage? The future - financial, emotional etc, looks utterly bleak at present. I have no family or close friends nearby, just one recent friend who has been amazing. What do I do? Do I give up and accept what he is offering?
I just don't want any of this to happen

His sole reason for going is because I make him unhappy. He says that I am horrible and selfish and I know he is just lashing out, but I feel like he is just eroding everything about myself. I won't be able to afford to stay in our home if he doesn't contribute more. I just feel utterly powerless

Hi Rose.

I'm another that was left "out of the blue" and to blame for everything. He completely destroyed my self-esteem (its the most valuable possession we have in life by the way).

First let me say that at four months (or so) you get the classic first absolutely shocking "dip" you're likely to ever experience - the first big depression that comes. So I'm not surprised you're feeling the way you do (we all did too!).

It does pass - but it's a shocking time. So well done for coming here.

One thing that I've noticed with women in our situation is the "He says" phenomena. We've lost all sense of selves, we doubt our opinions, so we rely on their 'judgements'.

Only they are self-serving. If you think about it, we'd hardly ask the school bully for a compliment back in our school days, but yet we do in our horrendous marriages!

We're terrified of the future and many of us remain anxious about that - so again, you're behaving perfectly normally and rationally when you think about it.

What you're doing, in my view, is constantly trying to determine 'why' this has happened to you and you're hoping he'll supply an answer that will satisfy you.

He won't.

I realise you don't want a divorce (I vomited at the very notion of it) but actually, I'm realising, that it's so common these days that those of us who have survived divorce are rather proud of it! Bizarre but true. I remember feeling like such a traitor for booking an appointment with a solicitor. The overwhelming guilt of doing that....

Many solicitors offer a free half hour or so and I'd suggest you take that option up. I know that you'll feel ashamed. I cried all the way there...all the way through the meeting...and all the way home (and through most of the divorce too!).

It does get easier. I promise you that.

And if you haven't already, can you contact your local Women's Aid for the freedom programme. I imagine you're already saying but...

...but you'll be amazed by how much they can help.

Hi Well

There have been some days when I have felt quite positive. Today is not one, and I have felt distraught all day. It is easy to say looking back that things were great, as there were lots of niggles, but we were talking about another baby and had a whole future planned. That has gone, and I feel like I am grieving for what was meant to happen, and for the past. He says (yes, I do do that, and why, like his view has more credence?) that he has been unhappy for the last nine years. I veer between concern that he is having a breakdown (nine years?!), and the pathetic unreasonableness of his behaviour. It is the isolation that I find hardest to deal with. I have cried all day, and doubt my judgment all the time. How long did this 'dip' last for you?

Hi Rose.

They were all unhappy. They probably were before we met them. We distracted them from their unhappiness for a while...but not for life. So now they say meeting us ruined their lives. We 'tricked' them into marriage/children/who we really were. Blah, blah, blah. We failed to meet their impossible expectations.

Yes, the 'breakdown' theory abounds. They've no idea what that means...because they run away for their 'happiness' - and you're left dealing with the endless consequences.

It's bloody tough. And yes, we do break down as a consequence.

To answer your question - to be honest I can't remember! My divorce was, without doubt, the most horrific experience of my life. I had long periods of coping, and long periods of not coping.

WA saved me. So did MN.

Welcome rose

I'm wondering if you're in the UK time zone and whether you were up in the small hours feeling like this? Just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

Meeting H in 15 mins for a conversation I don't want about finances and whose going to file for a divorce I don't want. But going to try to be strong. I will find out whether this split is going to be easy or hard today I think...

TheFormidibleMrs - by all means. :)

Rose - I'm sorry. This rings absolutely true with me: (from Well) - "One thing that I've noticed with women in our situation is the "He says" phenomena. We've lost all sense of selves, we doubt our opinions, so we rely on their 'judgements'."

God yes, it's a very hard habit to break, like most that are entrenched over years are. Even though I was the one who decided I'd had enough (though he threatened divorce at me many many times - think he was most shocked that it was me in the end who made the decision. Though actually he'd never have made it because he needed me too much, I was his cash cow, the one who was going to bail him out. He knew I wanted to avoid divorce at all costs be I think he felt pretty damned secure in being as cunty and vile to me as he was). So yes, even though I sought the split, as soon as he'd accepted it it was as though he had. Nasty, vile, insulting. The lot. And that's what I found the most hurtful. When he said - one week - I was a "fat bitch", I take it on board. Even though I am not, I've lost 3 stone in the last year (my choice, lost it all before I decided we were finished). Now - he screams at me that I'm a "skinny skinny skinny fucking anorexic bitch". THAT hurt. Yet not a couple of weeks before he was trying to get back into my bed. "NO. We are getting divorced. We hate each other". "We can still still get divorced and still hate each other". He's on another planet. Screaming insults and expecting me to open my legs, 4 months into divorce proceedings?

The hardest times for me are when he is so personally nasty, because it's against this I feel the most vulnerable, defenceless. Like I have no skin. Not even a thin skin. And it's this I have to be away from. Cut this shite out of my life.

I'm thinking about getting therapy. Has anyone done this - in the aftermath of a break up? It's just that I hate how I put up with it for so long. WHY? Why didn't I run at the first sign? It was way before marriage and kids were in the equation. I feel I have a lot to figure out and lay to rest before I could ever consider another relationship.

Welcome rose, I'm sorry that you're here. I had a 4 month dip which lasted about 2-3 weeks. I'm approaching 6 months now and feel quite positive most days and have accepted a lot of things that I never thought I would or could.

Mrs M R - I've had 6 months of therapy and it has been invaluable, I would never be where I am without it, I think even the security of knowing there was somewhere safe each week to go and download that weeks events was helpful. I have cut down and am going on Monday and I haven't been for 3 weeks, my therapist feels I've come such a long way and have a new found strength and no longer need to attend which is great.

In other news - contact today, I still feel very numb about him, no overriding feelings positive or negative. I pity the fact that he cannot see what a rubbish dad he's being. He was 20 minutes late. Didn't listen to me about lunch, and sat in the park texting whilst she played. He hasn't seen her for 2 months! Where is the effort?? There are moments when I see his guilt come through but others where I can see that the true him wishes he wasn't here and that's so sad for dd.

2little - that's great therapy has been useful. I've had quite a lot in the past, but mostly before I was with my stbx. Actually the last lot was weird - I was referred for proper psychotherapy, had an assessment, it was held back for a while, then by the time it was to start I was 7 months pregnant with DS1. Someone made the decision to make the therapy mother-child perinatal psychotherapy. Another assessment, then it began when he was 7 months old. I didn't have issues round my baby, bonding, PND, or any of that, really, but didn't feel I could argue so I had that. It meant I had to take DS1 with me, and play, etc, and I felt the focus always came back to that role rather than all the stuff that had led to the initial assessment way before I was ever pregnant.

However, if I remember this right, it was while I was in this therapy that stbx lost his job. Made redundant when the company he was working for closed. This wasn't unexpected. And then it was DS1's 1st birthday - the day after which I was informed stbx had gambled his redundancy (which he'd told me he was still waiting for) and his first months' wages in his new job. So I was in therapy while this went on, and I'm sure I spoke about it. But I was in no way a state of mind to consider leaving. And then I got pregnant with DS2. I was 10 weeks pg when the therapy came to an end. It was only going to be a year but it wasn't even that. My therapist changed jobs so it was cut at 11 months. I felt completely abandoned, actually. And it made me feel very wary of asking for help again. I'd felt ok when it started but was in a way worse place the the end.

I've never been too great at full disclosure/honesty in therapy. Something to work on.

I have a request to make, can anyone recommend any good reading for coping with the separation?. Inspired by how helpful I've found your insights here, I'm after blogs and books.

Truly pleased to hear you feel you are making a bit of progress.

MrsMR welcome and sorry you're going through this shit as well. If it's any consolation I met my now STBXH in my thirties and thought I was being discerning. I was really pleased I'd waited to settle down with a really lovely man and not settled for someone and he still turned out to be a lying, cheating arsehole who cheated on me throughout our 25 year marriage. So it still goes wrong and it's not you that's the idiot, it is them.

All the women in this bar are lovely, kind, funny and bright and there are some really big idiots on here to let these women go.

Tanito hello and sorry you're in this situation too. I didn't want to wait two years to get divorced, I knew there was no going back so I wanted it out of the way rather than hanging over me so I can't comment personally on the wisdom or not of leaving it. Things could get more acrimonious, especially if an OW gets involved (not clear if the one having the emotional affair with your H is still on the scene or not) but it doesn't have to be the case.

2little I think if your ex wanted to see your DD nothing would stop him and the suggestion to reduce maintenance so that he could afford to see your DD more is nonsense. Please don't agree to that on the basis that you think he will then step up and be the father that he should be. It is an excuse to reduce maintenance.

Family lovely to hear from you and great to read your positive update. A lot of wise words in your post "understanding the behaviour of these men would require being on a level with them, which we are not" is something I need to heed, thank you. Look after yourself and KOKO.

Myturn I spent a lot of my evenings during the winter on MN, anything to keep me occupied. Even posting about what a shit my husband was and is was better than being alone with my thoughts. Now when my daughter is busy/shut in her room, I do some gardening, go out for a walk. See or speak to friends, anything to keep busy. I love reading but find I'm still too distracted to concentrate too much but hopefully that will come back. Basically just keep occupied with doing something that means you're not just sat there watching tv.

Rosehip sorry you're so unhappy. Try not to think too far ahead as it's extremely daunting. Just try and get through a day at a time. I think most of us had a dip at the three/four month stage. I think it's sunk in a bit more by then, you've gone out of the shock/walking around like a zombie phase. Dips vary in timescale and do hit you when you don't expect them and think you have been dealing with it well. Just know that just as you went into the dip you will come out of it again.

Hello all I'll catch up with everyone's updates later. I seemed to have hit a lul this week, finally having it confirmed that my ex and OW are in a relationship after six months of fuckwittery left me feeling slightly better weirdly.
One of my friends said that perhaps it would help if I put myself out there, not for anything serious but dating and maybe this would help me push myself out of my grief ? Maybe she is right but I'm just not confident in myself to do it!
I'm trying to move on and I can't cling on to my hurt forever , I'm not a huge believer in karma but I do know that people really change and I doubt he will be happy with the choice he has made in the long term! Never make life changing decisions on temporary feelings don't they say !
Anyway I hope your all as well as can be. X

myturn I have read a lot of the baggage reclaim blog, this has opened my eyes to a lot of things, Natalie is a fantastic writer. Can't link it as I'm on the iPad atm but I'm sure it can be found via search engine.

myturn I really like chump lady.com, she's fantastic, and the Lundy Bancoft books are very popular.

• Bancroft sorry..

Thank you, I've actually tried both of those blogs in the last few days but they're not really clicking for me. Perhaps I'm not sure what I'm after?