HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

What - it's incredibly difficult to do the co-parenting thing. On the one hand it minimises the effect of separation on the DCs, and tries to maintain some normal routine and regular contact with Dad, and at least they're wanting to be involved fathers, but you have to take the pain of being reminded how things should be - being raised in a normal family environment.

I find bedtimes the most upsetting time. Seeing the DCs having snuggles from a dad that they adore, not knowing that he's a cheating shitbag.

2little I agree with general consensus that you could agree to reduce financial support, and your ex could still have minimal contact. His priority should be providing as much as possible for his DC so she has the best standard of living possible.

Well - you've reminded me how I need to pick myself up, stand up for myself and take control again. I need to make very clear what is and isn't acceptable to me. I am mulling over what I need to say, as he's coming over tomorrow for the afternoon. And I have just had a text from him saying he wants to agree how to work things out between us. So I need to really clarify my terms - crystal clear...

Here's a few pics of our bar mascot, quite a few of us having a tough time at the moment, and need a little light relief....

Hello everyone. I haven’t posted in a long time as felt I needed some space from MN. The fake thread about the woman / husband affair / wedding dress was the nail in the coffin I think. I became more worried about that person than my own emotional well-being and realised that it wasn’t healthy!!

This thread moves so quickly and though I have sometimes had a quick catch up, there never seemed a good time to post. I even feel bad posting now as haven’t acknowledged anything that has happened recently. Bambino, Truly, Myturn, MrsMartin, Ailurophile, Tanito, 2little2late - you have my sympathy and I know you probably hear it a lot but I’m going to say it anyway - things do get better.

I still think of you all often. Hobbit, Izzie, WWK, green, iwas, drifting, whyme, paddling, font, tabby and roz to name a few (and sorry to those I have missed). I'll be doing the hoovering or something and think ‘I wonder how Hobbit is’ or 'I hope WWK is enjoying her freedom from MrSW’ or ‘I hope Izzie is happy with her latest home-improvements.’ It’s strange that I have never met any of you but you have a place in my thoughts. You all helped me so much and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to express my gratitude. I really do hope you are all ok.

Things for me are still difficult but the biggest change I have noticed is the time it takes me to get over his fuckwittery. 6-12 months ago I would be in bed for days, then endlessly talking about it to anyone who would listen. I would obsess about it and question why for sometimes weeks on end. Now I deal with it and move on. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes his cruelty will take me by surprise and I end up a jibbering mess like the days of old BUT it might last for an afternoon, a day at most and I never go to bed, I get on with things with the anger / sadness there. I no longer need my Mum (or MN) to talk me down, I can do it myself (ok ok, with a little help).

The divorce is almost final and I am looking forward to closing this chapter and starting a new one. There is a saddest to it of course as to what I thought my life would be but I am mostly just excited about the future and what it holds. I can see that the potential I have now is more than I ever would have had if I had stayed married to that poor excuse of a man. I am confident and assertive (traits I think he would hate) and I am determined to be happy and provide a loving home for my children (who are both so lovely, I am SO lucky to have them).

For those just starting out in this. Firstly be kind to yourselves. This experience has been like nothing I have ever known and, fingers crossed, nothing I will ever know again. Dealing with the betrayal of someone you loved / thought loved you in often cruel and frankly evil ways is something I will never be able to understand. And that is no bad thing - understanding the behaviour of these men would require being on a level with them, which we are not. You will never reason with them, make them see what they have done or what they have lost. You can’t control what or how they think. They won’t come begging for forgiveness (or at least won’t mean it) and accepting all of that, though hard, is the only way to find peace.

Saying that the thing I find difficult is that I still want retribution. Karma or whatever. I want him to be miserable. But this does me more damage than him and it links my happiness to his happiness. I can't be happy when he's sad or sad when he's happy. I don’t want any link to him whatsoever and the process of detachment / indifference is a long one which I am determined to complete (the Mecca of ‘meh’). Advice I recently received is that I should imagine he is blissfully happy and has not once looked back. What am I going to do, just give up on my life because he's moved on with his?? There is no point putting my life on hold until he has the epiphany that he left an honest, loving wife and that his life is now a mess. I know it, my friends and family know it, even his family know it. That should be enough.

There was nothing any of us could have done to prevent our husbands from abandoning us and our children. That is on them and something they will have to live with. The fact that they show no remorse and carry on regardless shows the kind of unreality they live in - we have to leave them to it.

I am sending all of you my best wishes and hope today is a good day for you all. The future really is brighter without these vile men in it.

KOKO.

Hi family my love, great to hear from you and you sound so much more positive and upbeat.

I, like you am nearly at the end of this horrible process, just need the consent order signed off, and then I can apply for the absolute , mixed emotions of course, a 27 year marriage ended in 10 months, but I'll take on board your comment about living life , and not looking to punish the ex, as you said it won't matter any way. KOKO , x

Hi family - very good advice, re imagining them happy and never looking back. When I can think that, honestly, I know I'll have moved into a much better place. I still fantasise about revenge, mostly involving informing his family, friends and - obviously - new woman of the exact nature of the issues that led to me divorcing him. Because I have zero contact with his family, not from the day I told him I wanted to finish it, and we have no mutual friends - never did - I have no idea what he's told them. Going on his form as an out-and-out liar, I strongly doubt it's a version of the truth I'd recognise. It wouldn't surprise me if he claims he's divorced me. He was very very stressed about the "unreasonable behaviour" thing, and wanted to counter-petition with examples of my own unreasonable behaviour (and he did write to my solicitor trashing me, you know, just making sure this woman he'd never met didn't think he was the only bad person in our marriage - she never mentioned it. He didn't have a solicitor, tight arse didn't want to pay, though he is liable for half my costs). Anyway, he only calmed the hell down and agreed not to contest my petition once he realised the contents of the petition wouldn't become public knowledge.

But I've had to let it go. So there are going to be people out there who a) probably think badly of me and b) think he's been hard done by, badly treated by his moody cow ex. So what. They aren't in my life. But how I'd like to humiliate him. How I'd like to expose him. Publicly. I could - but I won't. It's not because I'm a nice person, because I'm really not that nice :) but because I worry what crap he'd spread about me. And also - if he thought I was wasting a second of my time plotting, scheming or enacting revenge, he'd know he still has power over me. Maybe he does, but the power I have right now is that he has NO idea how much. If any.

Re the 6 months unreasonable behaviour - to the best of my understanding, if you continue to live together for more than 6 months after the last incident you're relying on as an example, then - basically you can't, it's null and void. So because we had to live together (no alternative for either of us), I had to make sure I petitioned within the 6 months. But as Ailurophile has moved out - it's not relevant. :) I know now I'd have been able to use UB on my stbx anyway, because so much of his behaviour was unreasonable. But in the beginning I was stressed because I didn't know if the 6 months referred to the actual behaviour (the actual gambling) and I have no idea when he did that. 18 months previously, he claimed, but along with most of what came out of his mouth, that's probably a lie.

I know I'm still in early days - hell, the man is still living under the same roof as me - but honestly - it was such a shockingly awful marriage and relationship that the love faded and died a long time ago. So I never felt abandoned. I have done before, oh god, every other relationship (serious one) I had previously ended badly and with me utterly heartbroken, soul-broken and destroyed. My heart goes out to those of you who believed you were in a good relationship and they bailed out on you suddenly. I know how agonising it is. With me now, I have been numb and frozen for a long time. And I'm angry now, occasionally bitter, because of what I tolerated for so long that I shouldn't have. Not even the gambling but the lack of affection, regard, care, interest. The lack of esteem he held me in. I have examples up the wazoo of times I wish now I'd just told him to fuck the fuck off. Like when I was giving to our younger child, a 9lb 9oz, 12 days overdue child, with no pain relief (not through lack of desire but lack of time, baby held back and then really really didn't), and when I was screaming the place down, he told me to be quiet. Did he hold my hand, comfort me, soothe me? No. He told me to be quiet. I have never forgiven him for this. I suspect it would require therapy.

Yet even so, our younger child will be 4 years old in a couple of months, and I'm only now divorcing his father. :(

Well, you are doing it now, aren't you, MrsM ? So well done for not putting up with his shit any longer, you have made the first steps to freedom, that's amazing, you need to get him to leave if possible though, it must be unbearable sharing a house with that idiot..

YES Hobbit I am :D I am. And I cannot wait. First for him to move out - he is apparently moving his things out on Wednesday, but staying at the house Wed, Thur & Fri next week (why, I don't know, I don't ask, because I don't want to have to talk to him at all, and hey there's is a light at the end of the tunnel finally). As of next Saturday, he's gone properly.

After that I have 9 days left in our former marital home before the sale completes. 9 days to pack. I can't wait! I haven't done anything yet and won't till he's gone. The shared ownership flat I'm getting is an unknown quantity at the moment, I'm buying the share with cash from my share of the settlement, and that's all there as of the 3rd Aug, no mortgage to arrange or anything, but I have no idea of what timeline the sellers are on, and I'm not confident it can all be wrapped up in time, since there are only 11 working days left after today. So my boys, our cat and I will be sending our worldly goods into storage and decamping to my parents' retirement flat - for however long.

I just want not to see my stbx. Just that, I am sure, will make a world of difference to my stress levels and quality of life.

It's daunting, don't get me wrong, but really, it's only the financial side that worries me in any way. I know I'm a happier and better parent doing it by myself. I know I can give my boys a good and loving and stable home. Just not being around civil war has to be a good thing, for all of us.

Thank you for the wise words familyofthree.

What - don't waste your breath on him. Just tell dd that your arms are big enough for both of them. Snuggle up and enjoy your children, you'll never have the regret of not putting them first, he will. Arse hole! Wonder when her dd will start asking why he isn't with his own dd?!

It's tempting I know, what but I don't think I would, it would just give them ammunition that you were the bitter ex, trying to interfere with their star-crossed lovers act. What a pair of sad sacks of shite they are....

Thank you family nice to meet you properly :) so glad to read of something upbeat that gives hope of a better time to come.

MrsM thanks for clarifying that, I haven't had time to look into it today (horrendous day at work) so I can still use the UB later on down the line if needed. Thats a relief.

what stay away from the phone You will regret it, you really will.

Just press "fast forward" and imagine how you are going to feel after you send it and he ignores it. Is it worth that?

Any advice for dealing with the evenings? I've kept busy, busy, busy all day and just got in from seeing a friend, but now I just feel drained and like I met get a bit weepy.

I guess I need to plan little things to look forward to for the evening?

What lovely things do the rest of you do when you're in for the night and any children are tucked up in bed?

what don't do it! It is so tempting but unfortunately there will never be a light bulb moment where he suddenly thinks 'oh yeah, I am a total shit aren't I, I must stop behaving like this.' It won't change him but it will make you check your phone all evening for a response. I clearly remember about a month ago a little boy was crying and my child said to me 'maybe his Daddy left him too.' I wanted to ring the twunt that minute and tell him but knew it was pointless. Sad but true.

myturn the evenings are hard aren't they. I'll try and plan what I'm going to achieve during the day but once the kids are in bed, I often just veg out and speak to family and friends on the phone. I did an awful lot of decorating in the beginning. Are there any home improvements you could make? It's good to change the space. I also bake quite a bit for work and watch A LOT on Netflix. Spartacus anyone??

Myturn I go for box set marathons or geeky gaming sessions.

Id dearly love to get out and about a bit more than I do but to be fair my work currently drains any energy i have so getting home and vegging out is commonplace here

Yep, myturn I watch a lot of Netflix as well, it's a lifesaver for distraction. I used to read a lot, but I am only just getting back to being able to concentrate, your mind just goes off on a tangent about some divorce shit or other.
Or I come on MN of course, that's a few hours gone....

Family I briefly read your post today at wurk and nearly spontaneously burst into tears! And I'm a hard-nosed cow, y'know.

I always remember your "I have cost my children their father". That haunted me for a while - what a dreadful thing to believe. Like so many on here, all you've ever had was an overwhelming concern and love for your children. You're right: you married a poor excuse of a man.

Didn't we all?

But it takes such a long time to realise that. I'm glad you have. KOKO.

Family, what a lovely post! So good to see such a positive attitude .

MrsM...you too...lovely positive post and I will PM'ing you because of something you've said in it that might help me...I hope that's OK .

What..don't you bloody dare! I used to feel compelled to do all that shit and they never have that lightbulb moment. They will when they're stuck in a bedsit in their 60's...too late by then.

Evenings, well I still can't watch TV, I signed up to Netflix, the kids love it, I just can't sit in there on my own. So, I do a bit of MN'ing, talk on the phone, clear things out, write, just stuff. I try and go out as much as I can and realise I am lucky to have a DD old enough to babysit. TV still evades me though! Weird! It's been nearly two years and I can count on both hands the amount of times I've actually sat and watched something. I am going to be in decorating overdrive soon, trying to prep house for sale, so that will keep me busy. We're also planning a painting party, have had loads of offers of help so am going to take them...am v lucky really, have such fabulous friends and family....more than a lot of people have..so I am thankful.

KOKO

I was just thinking about you WWK and there you are x

Yeah, same here Hobbit I wonder when the ability to read comes back? I used to be a veracious reader but it still hasn't.

I used to subscribe to Netflix...but guess who got uppity about it? So guilt-laden me, as a compromise to my marriage, cancelled it. Fuck my marriage. It was shit.

I still barely watch TV either but then summertime TV is shite anyway! Ever the optimist, I have decided to continue to subscribe to Sky TV all the same. I laugh now that he decreed I must cancel it a year ago this week...back in the days when he was in 'master of the universe' mode (as we were heading into the interim payments hearing). I never did - and he had to continue paying for it all through the divorce...and beyond!

I also like geeky online games (one of my UB's apparently!), he had to pay for my gaming subscription all through the divorce and beyond too. A whopping £5 a month it was. He must have had a (imagined) coronary FROM HIS HEART CONDITION FROM WHICH HE WAS NOT ABOUT TO DROP DOWN DEAD FROM, FROM, FROM when I included that in my spousal maintenance claim too.

I still pay for it. My choice. 'Cos I can.

Now I'm moving, and hopefully, with two income streams coming in, as well as a little project planned, I'm hoping to fit in some outdoor pursuits too - since these days I feel comfortable being around other people as he's not here to accuse me of having an affair! Nor find myself at risk of suddenly discovering I am a lesbian without my knowing...

I remain heterosexual. But I do currently still prefer women friends. I like their wit and wisdom, their insight, their humour, their intelligence.

I've learnt I can't stand men who tell me what to think.

They don't like me much either...meh.

So to answer your question family - I'm doing okay, all things considered, with the freedom from MrSW. Learning to like things. Still resent some things. But y'know - not anything like as bad as it was a year ago.

I just KOKO. And laugh most days. Still cry a bit. But hey, it all takes time.

But the best bit is - that I currently have a job that involves public speaking. I start off with 'my greatest achievement in life is also my greatest failure'.

I am the first woman to...but I didn't succeed in...

It always gets a round of applause.

I was never allowed to mention it when I was married because..."IF women want equal rights...we must learn not to talk about our achievements as women"

IF?

He can just fuck off. In both senses. I'm starting to see that my marital failure may well be the best thing that ever happened to me.

Still looking for the Mecca of Meh...but it's no longer a mirage.

Hello all,

I think I have come to the conclusion that if he wants to see his children he will find the money, he will find a way. I bet he doesn't ask a fuel contribution from her if they go out somewhere! I've left the ball in his court about contact tomorrow and expect a last minute email today because that's his style.

I'm feeling good though, i have been discharged from the city hospital, so can give birth locally under the consultants! This makes me so happy. Just 8 weeks to go!
I finally look back on the last 6 months as a journey of independence and achievement rather than the roller coaster of trauma. I am definitely not in love with him any more, I don't miss the man he is now, I don't miss the man he was because that man was lying and cheating. Sometimes I miss what I though could've been but it is merely a fantasy, he would never and will never change. So I don't envy ow, I pity her starting out on this journey because she has no idea who the real him is. She's 30, if they have children it will be his 3rd family and 4th child, he has no money, no assets and no security, that isn't the life I want for my children or myself. If they don't have children they will just have a poor couples lifestyle whilst he pays off his debts and pays for the family he left behind.
I am financially stable, emotionally getting there, looking forward to new baby and dd becoming a big sister, not scared of doing this alone. I like myself And no longer blame me for this although I accept my failings and mistakes and learn from them.
I will finish my degree, I will raise my children, I will be a teacher and I will buy a house. Whether I meet someone else remains to be seen but I don't need someone the way I did before. I am me, I make no excuses for that, love me or hate me but I am happy, for now.

Koko x

You lot are amazing.
One weird and encouraging thing is to find how much of my new behaviour you can describe with pin-point accuracy - howling noises you didn't know you had in you, inability to focus on a book, disinclination to watch tv, preference for female company...

Today me and the ex are heading off on our pre-booked city break weekendy thing. It was something I was really, really looking forward to after a very stressful time at work and then our bereavement. I was determined to stil go one way or another. This morning I'm not too sure how I feel about it.

When I get back I start the next chapter of life, get back to work on Monday and get in to new routines.

We've both agreed we'll be heading home earlier than planned, but there are things I was looking forward to doing that I don't want to miss out on. I was going whether he was coming too or not. It'd just be easier if he was there. Or so I thought.

I'm afraid this morning all I keep remember is that this is the man who described sharing a takeaway with me as, "nice pizza, shame about the company"

I'm making a mistake aren't I?